I've got one word to say to you: Australian Idol ABBA special.

Gosh, you know, after the likes of Tom Williams, that shearer guy, and the Asian John Farnham guy, on top of my favourite being booted off (Brooke Addamo) I sort of said to myself that Australian Idol could do no worse this year. How wrong I was.

This:

Plus this:

Equals this:

(NB: this is not me.)

I think, just personally, it's time to release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you.

Top 24: Round The First

I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't really feel much like writing about Australian Idol this year. After last year, I was kind of over the over-analysis that goes into the whole venture, and despite my earnest efforts, recapping was never really my thing. And so far I haven't been tempted to write, even though a few thoughts vaguely resembling the kind of thing I might put into a post have traversed this little brain of mine. Like, for instance, that red-haired guy with the glasses and how he looks like the illegitimate lovechild of Harry and Ron.

But! Tonight's show, the first six performers to sing live for actual votes, was too loaded with potential blog material that my brain LITERALLY forced me on to the computer to share my thoughts. Enjoy!


Chrislyn is a fatty, this much we know for sure. Somewhat counter-intuitively, I sort of like her. Shocking, I know.


True to her name, Jaden Dowd wore the dowdiest jumpsuit in existence tonight, in a horrific display of fashion blindness from which humanity may never recover. When quizzed on why she chose to swathe herself in said garment rather than donate it to the CFS so they can put it to use beating out grass fires, she said that it was all over the latest spring catalogues. Sure it is, Jaden. Sure it is.


Dude, lose the cowboy hat and pluck your eyebrows. I also don't think he's much of a chance competition-wise; I hadn't seen him on the show at all virtually until tonight.


She pretty. Musical theatre roXorZ!


GAY. And not just because he's an effete little French boy with a girly face. Well, that's exactly why he sets off my gaydar. Say chowda, Frenchy!


Another offender who wears the same hat all the time. I also find it difficult to get past the lank hair and beard and concentrate on his VOICE. It isn't hard to not look like you belong on a sexual offenders register, Wes. A change of hat once in a while sort of helps.

Overall, Idol this year isn't very much different to previous years. It's not worse or anything, but I'm a little dubious that there was suddenly such an unprecedented influx of talent like Dicko et al would have me believe. The absence of Mark Holden, however, is a marked improvement.

I'm thinking Nicole and Chrislyn will get through this round. Anyone disagree?

Big Brother, as we all know, will not be on television from next year, THANK GOD. Which means that three months' worth of prime-time television will have to be filled by Ten, and I'm curious as to how it will be done. More of Ten's unofficial flagship program, The Simpsons? Perhaps. I hope it's not going to be some shockingly bad reality program stolen from American television, although it probably will be. Ugh. I still want to savour the feeling of Big Brother's cancellation for a little while longer. Seriously, I'm embarrassed by my early optimism ahead of this year's "rejuvenated" BB format. Rejuvenated my arse. I haven't watched a full episode of BB since my last post here two months ago; the sentiment at the end of which pretty much encapsulated my feelings then and now. I don't really care who wins it this year, but if you pressed me, I guess I'd say Terri. Whatever. Although I still kind of like Ben.

Australian Idol



YAY! I know last year's final was about as memorable as what you had for breakfast that morning, but something in me still absolutely adores Idol. The promos for this year are slightly worrying, for several reasons. First, because now we pretty much know who the final 50 are. Smooth move, Ten. And second, because the women appear to be more butch than ever, and the men are bigger pansies than ever. Why the HIGH VOICES? I blame Benji Mac.

Who else sniggers at that red haired guy? American Idol already did the nerdy-red-hair-guy-is-way-out-of-his-league a few years ago:

RED POWER!

Foxtel Fulminations: Hannah Montana

So, I get that I'm probably not in the target age demographic for the show Hannah Montana, featuring Miley Cyrus, but I'm a little bit bemused. Bemused both by the show itself and Miley Cyrus' inexplicable popularity among the kiddies of generations younger than my own. I've seen the show, and... it reminds me of Drake and Josh, Lizzie McGuire and that show featuring Dylan and Cole Sprouse (those blonde fuckers who used to play Ross's son on Friends. Let's hear it for random trivia!). In other words, the whole stupid show is poorly written, its young stars drive me to distraction with their underdeveloped, over-wrought acting, and the laugh track is as effective as the condom you used to keep in your wallet before you realised that it's pretty much fucked due to the change in temperature that occurs whenever you take your wallet out of your pocket. I don't quite know what my point is. I suppose I just enjoy tut-tutting over how impressionable children are.

Miley Cyrus is bulimic, meaning that she can read minds

As for her popularity, well: While I can understand why Hilary Duff was popular (her songs weren't altogether terrible, and she is quite pretty), Miley Cyrus's popularity really bothers me. It has nothing to do with that skanky photo shoot, or the fact that her creepy Keith Urban-esque dad probably took her virginity years ago -- although these facts do little to help the situation. Everyone seems to skip over the fact that she has a busted set of teeth, and she has a voice much older than her fifteen years would suggest, both of which are possibly related to an undiagnosed bout of The Bulimia. She sounds exactly like an emphysemic, chain smoking fifty-five year old woman. With the aforementioned busted teeth. Shudder.

Go Natalie, it's your birthday, it's your birthday.

I'm going through a bit of stuff at the moment, so this is just a quick post in the meantime to say ...

YAY NAT!

I think we made the right choice. What do you reckon? Was it really the upset that people are making it out to be, or was this inevitable, given Matt's noticeable decline in the latter month or so of the competition? Her experience on Idol has been peppered with some bad performances/outfits/song choices, but otherwise I think she's been the most consistent and versatile of the two. So what do you reckon?

-- UPDATE --

Gee, thanks for the plethora of comments, jackasses. I know I didn't put much effort into this post, but you guys are so mean.

This put me in good spirits though: The Obligatory Word From My Favourite Fug Girls. I love how they don't ignore the world of pop culture outside of America, don't you?

Australian Idol: Mattalie

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the official Idol winner's song is the worst song ever written. Actually, scratch "out on a limb" and replace it instead with "and say something glaringly obvious". That song.... Matt was totally right in calling it crap. He didn't say it in so many words, being polite and non-threatening and all those things that we all love him for, but we all agree with him anyway. I love the veiled sarcasm inherent in this statement:

"It was written by a woman in America. Apparently, she's a very established writer. She's written stuff for the Backstreet Boys and Nick Lachey, so that sort of explains it straight away and what it's like."

Also, while I'm bitching: Shut up Dicko. Shouldn't you be grovelling? It's so unfair to call Nat and Matt boring. Idol packages them and puts them in pigeon holes so square you'd be struggling to find mathematicians who could recreate the perfect ninety degree angles of said pigeon holes.

And what? Past year's Idol finalists were so interesting?



Cough, and double cough.

Anyway, I quite enjoyed tonight's episode. I can't exactly put my finger on what I loved about it. Oh, wait, yes I can, it was the bit that showed Matt's earlier years, busking away and singing in choirs and going on an eighteen month tour around Australia at the age of fourteen. Jesus. I also learned tonight that Matt does indeed have parents, they've just been a bit camera shy or whatever all year. Frankly I would have been happier just to believe that he burst forth from a magical tree in some enchanted forest somewhere to bring happy tunes and funny dresses disguised as shirts to the world. Interesting to note that he's always had those really defined eyebrows and the "sluggish" lips, as Chesty calls them.

Natalie's video package bizzo was also pretty revealing. (Hm... package.... revealing.... I'm getting so depraved in my old age, huh). She was in a few of those funny ABC-Kids shows in the nineties, and she actually funded her own album and went to America or something. Pity nothing came of it, which I guess led her to Australian Idol. I suppose it IS kind of tacky to actually pay to release your own album (just like it's tacky for a model to pay a fashion label to feature them in a show).

The performances of the Idol winner's song were both pretty crap, but I think I liked Nat's version just a wee bit better. That's not saying much by the way. That song..... it's not even good in an ironic sense. What's with the title? I know it's an Idol institution to have a lame song with a lame title, incorporating souls, angels, listening with one's heart (as if that were physiologically possible, song writers), going on a journey and having the night of one's life. 'Here I Am' is a lame title, so ... I guess it compliments the tuneless and utterly forgettable song poifectly.

The other performances were a drag, really. I never even HEARD of "High and Dry" and "Running Up That Hill".

Timbaland? Wolfmother? Bleh.

So, that's it, until the Opera House finale next week - which I always enjoy. Who will win? I'm happy with either of them for the win, frankly. Last year (and, in fact, every year) I've hated one of the finalists and loved the other, but this year I'm not displeased that it's Matt and Nat. It's kind of like this year's Big Brother if you think about it. It was a crap year for Big Brother, but the final two were actually decent, I remarked at the time that I wouldn't have minded which one of them took it out and I guess the feeling is much the same with Idol 2007.

Obviously though my favourite to win is Matt Corby (der, whose isn't?) but I wouldn't totally disregard the possibility of an upset. Which wouldn't be all that bad for either contestant, as Matt seems to have gone off Idol in the last few months, and it would be great to see him build a career on his own merits.

But seriously, if you're going to vote, vote for Matt.

PS. Goddam that song was shit.

Uggghh, totally.

Australian Idol: The Final Three

My Idol rants have become a combination of lengthy essays on the nuances of the show, bouts of apoplectic vein popping regarding Marty Simpson's persistence in getting through each show against all logic and reason, and the odd post where the overwhelming crapness of this year's Idol have rendered me, inexplicably, at a total loss of inspiration to snark.

So, in the words of James Mathison, we shall take it left foot, right foot, as we make it to the end of this rather prickly year of Idol, wheezing and clasping at our various wounds.

Ahem, now that I'm done waxing lyrical, it's down to the bizz of tonight's Idol, the theme of which is Audience's Choice.

My first thought is: yay! None of the poncy crap that was Swing Night. Let's hope the audience members pick decent songs. I also hope that the audience members are really awkward and end up mincing their words, because there's nothing funnier than watching randoms being put in unfamiliar situations.

Ha, and the first random IS incredibly awkward. Props to Andrew G for subtly making fun of him. Hey - who else reckons that Andy G and James Mathison have gotten kind of snarkier and funnier this year? The one example that comes to mind is G's brilliantly succinct comment to Marty about crashing in the waves or learning to surf. Anyway, the song is Ray of Light by Madonna, and... meep. Any higher and it would be Benji Mac circa 2001. It isn't great, but I've loved Nat for so long that the worst key change of the year didn't seriously phase me. What DOES phase me is that she excuses her crap performance by blaming nerves. BITCH, you've been on the show for months now, nerves are no longer a legitimate excuse for suckage.

Nat's second song, of her own choice, is Pink's Nobody Knows. I ashamedly confess to owning the CD and loving every song on it, so she's already got this one in the bag as far as I'm concerned. Great choice, particularly for her own style. It's not likely to be another 'rehab moment', and it's ballad-ey and strong enough to get the fickle audience to rise up in their seats for her. There's just one arse note in it, but it's a solid effort. Squee, I was just about to mention the shoes when Kyle said the stuff about how they made her legs look like a chicken's. Not to be too unfair to the shoes, the whole outfit is a bit crap. It's like she's singing at her high school talent show and gone for the messed up uniform look rather than bring in a change of clothes.

Carl is the second to perform, his first song tonight is that 'You Give Me Something' song. I guess it's a logical song choice, he can get away with that faux-smoky shit that he does (which we all know is just a weak voice being strained). His photo shoot is sort of funny, because the guy from BMG records says that they've had Harry Connick Jr signed to the label for many years, which begs the question: why do we need another one like him? Even more hilarious, it takes him and the photographers a little while to realise that what's needed to take a good shot is for his trumpet to be in the picture somewhere. It's an excellent metaphor for his entire Idol experience, I think.

Anyway - I much prefer the Carl who wears hoodies and denim to the one who wears fugly cheap suits, I've decided. Just putting that out there for anyone who is interested. The performance itself is tolerable, but what shocks and disturbs are the daggy little moves that he does toward the end of the song. It was lame. How lame? Lame as a room full of cerebral palsy sufferers.

His second song is For Once In My Life. I don't want to dwell on this point for longer than absolutely necessary, but I thought it was really good. I was doing that involuntary head bop thing as I was sitting at the computer watching it. D'oh! Stupid inconsistent brain of mine. I'm not meant to like Carl! Moving on I think.

Ha, before we get onto Matt Corby's performance, I have to give honourable mention to Kyle's hilarious bit about only doing cones. True. Funny and true. See, it's because he does drugs, and it was a play on words? Are you with me? Kyle's funny. Maybe Big Brother won't suck so much next year after all.

Ahem. Yes, Matt Corby. Has anyone else notices that public favour has turned away from Matt in recent weeks? He's obviously still a dead set favourite for the win, but some of the judges' comments have been decidedly more negative than before, which were almost unilaterally positive.

I think it started around the time he went to the ARIAs and spent much of the time being uncomfortable around the big slebs because of the stigma attached to the Idol franchise and its many offspring. I kind of love him for that, because at least he's self aware and has a reasonably realistic and mature attitude toward the Idol thing. Dicko's reassurances by the way, that the traditional routes taken by past musicians are merely an alternative in the age of Youtube and Myspazz, didn't quite assuage Matt's reservations, as well they shouldn't.

But enough of all that.

I'm quite pleased with the song choice, 'Too Late' by Evermore, which allows him the room to do that wailing thing he does so well. The voice is a bit... cartoony? Like, Spongebob? I don't know if that's totally accurate, but I was reminded of cartoon character voices in the first part of the song, but he seems to relax into it a bit. Thank the lord Jesus Christ and his corporate affiliates that he doesn't go all mopey and sad-sack on us afterwards like the last couple of weeks. Maybe it was cause it was Matt's seventeenth birthday (ha, he's younger than Ben McKenzie, wtf!?!?) this week and he's flying through on those happy thoughts.

The second song is the performance of the night, an excellent rendition of the Beatles' 'Across the Universe'. I remember Chanel Cole's performance of it three years ago, and it remains as one of my favourite songs and Idol moments ever. I'm so happy to see that he's done without the superfluous and off-sounding key change that Chanel had to put her chords through, if it's at all possible to make a criticism of it. But basically it's fantastic. If Simon Cowell were a guest judge (which I totally think Australian Idol should have) he'd say that it was his Idol winner's acceptance performance.

What's with Kyle's thing about how 'straight' Matt is? Wording is everything, Kyle.

So, tonight again was a good indication of how I think this year is. Nat and Carl were okay, but Matt, the clear favourite, is miles and miles ahead. I cannot wait for the results tomorrow. I'm thinking Carl will go. But I've been wrong before at this stage in previous years, so I guess we'll see.

G'night, y'all.

Ok .... So ...

Here's what Jacob had to say about last nights episode of Idol:

'I think tonight's Australian Idol had a definite 'end of term' feeling to it. Like, classes are coming to an end, the assignments are having their last touch ups, Marty is making excuses for why his essay is illegible and written on the smooth side of a piece of sandpaper, and all that's left to do is revise for the upcoming exams. Tonight's lesson didn't produce anything new, and it wasn't all that interesting.

Marty, with any luck, will be gone tomorrow, then it will be Carl, and then in a gripping finale we will see Matt Corby take to the stage as the 2007 Idol winner.'

At this point, he got bored and wandered off ... leaving just a draft in the folder for someone to find and take pity on and sculpt an Idol post out of. And because I am nothing if not a busybody, I found it and nominated myself that person.

Truth be told, I saw the last ten minutes of the show last night ... so, long enough to add the following observations (which may or may not be true, but rather an attempt to reverse fate):

- Movember is a horrible month. Doesn't Andrew G realise he looks sleazy enough without the porn 'mo?

- Natalie Gauchi is TERRIBLE. Simply ... terrible. And not at all gorgeous. Come on Australia, vote her off. I dare you.

- I love Marty. He stole those five second snippets at the end with that constipated foghorn voice and ... those eyebrows. *swoon* Plus anyone who says that 'light my fire' is NOT Big Band clearly needs their ears checked. I mean, The Doors had FOUR members. Four. That's more than Silverchair and Nirvana. Plus, you have to admit, that they were pretty big in that 'famous' sense, so: I say it works. Let's all band together and send some love Marty's way tonight.

Eugh. I feel so dirty. Let's hope it works.

I gots nothing else, so I'm leaving the real snark to all our fabulous commenters ...

(Sorry Jacob. Best I could do)

Oy, this god awful show made me slip a disc

BIG BROTHER:

Y'all probably already heard that Gretel Killeen has quit/been sacked from her role as host of Big Brother, and been replaced with Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O. My impression of this is that Ten have gotten it right with need to make changes, I'm just not sure whether this is quite the change that will bring the show back from the abyss that was BB07 (and, come to think of it, BB05 and 06). Changes that needed to be made were:

read the rest

1) Chose better housemates. This has been a trend that has gotten way out of hand. As a viewer, I really don't find it remotely entertaining watching the same bunch of bland miscreants and bogans enunciating poorly on television every year. Housemates with giant fake boobs does not make for watchable television. The same can be said for all the lame 'twists' that fall on their arse the second they are effected.

2) Bring back Uncut. The idea that Channel Ten had any responsibility to the Australian public to pull that show in the first place is laughable. Whatever criticism you might have of the crudeness and questionable material that the housemates get up to, ultimately what the housemates do on a television show ought to be fair game, and people who don't like it can exercise their tiny minds by making the decision not to watch. It's as simple as that. Any suggestion that we're safer or a more moral society because a television show is taken off air is nothing but bullshit, and I'm sick of the stupid nonsense that gets peddled every year by politicians and "pro family" (ie. Pro-Telling Others What To Do) groups telling me otherwise.

The show is DULL without Uncut, and I think last year suffered enormously because of its absence.

Anyway. I hate to judge Gretel's replacements without giving them a chance, but I have a fairly good idea already of how it will turn out. Kyle will attempt to ask the hard questions, while totally lacking the intelligence and sharp wit that Gretel Killeen had, and Jackie O will do all our heads in with her vapidness and stilted on screen manner.

IDOL:

Wow, what a shit night of Idol. Matt Corby apparently got the nerves and couldn't play the piano properly. I don't know what's wrong with that boy; the piano sounded fine, he sounded fine, he looked as messy as ever but at least someone kept him away from the lego-themed dresses.

Imagine my surprise when, half way through Natalie Gauci's performance, I looked up from my dinner to see her standing on the piano which she had hitherto been playing. It was like Andy from Little Britain, how he just randomly turns up in weird places, like the top of a diving board or in a tree:

"How did you get up there?"

"I fell."

I like Natalie, but I wasn't as down with that performance as the judges. It just didn't deserve a Touchdown, no matter how inexpressibly stupid the Touchdown has become (what am I talking about? It's always been stupid).

Marty sucked.

Wow, when did the judges get so pissed with Tarisai for being fake? For those who missed it, she had a near meltdown on stage when confronted with accusations of not being herself. I quite agree with the judges, and what Dicko said about her saying 'thank you' in that breathy voice and not actually listening to their criticism, but it felt a bit like a cruelly staged intervention of some kind.

Carl... well, let's put it this way: the less said about Carl the better. Whatever kudos he earned from me last week was lost this week. Back to his boring self.

I was under the impression that the Idols were performing two songs again tonight, but since the ARIAS were on, they had to cut it down a bit. Which leads quite nicely into the third part of this post...

ARIAS:

How utterly pointless. Australia, first of all, doesn't churn out that many decent musicians each year to warrant such an overblown evening. If the Grammies are like the Oscars for music, then the ARIAS are the equivalent of the plays that four year old kids put on for their parents using dolls and teddies in the living room. It's just an excuse for the Idols to gush over all the "celebrities" and exclaim how they NEVER thought they'd make it THIS FAR and how EXCELLENT it is that they're attending such a prestigious event!

Notes on the ARIAS:

I'm pretty disappointed that there won't any Missy Higgins/David Hasselhoff love-ins again tonight.

No red frilly dresses either. Jeez, Missy, way to let the team down.

Daniel Johns sounded so bad tonight. Oh boy, it was a performance to rival Steph Macintosh's disastrous Footy Show appearance.

Rove really isn't a very good presenter, is he? No he is not.

Ooh! Nicole Kidman is at the ARIAS tonight with her lame husband who no one cares about. Hey, do you reckon she'll let him put his ARIA on the same mantle as her Oscar? [Snigger].

I wonder where Axel Whitehead is, and if his penis is feeling left out?

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE:

I am so looking forward to this show. I'm watching the American version and loving it. I do wonder whether we have quite the same pool of talent as the US, but we shall see. It certainly can do no worse than Dancing With The Stars, which is just so horrible I cannot fathom why anybody actually continues to watch it. Why do people want to see Z-grade celebrities dancing merely competently when you can see the likes of Neil Haskell going insane every week on the dance floor?

Natalie Bassingthwaighte seems like a good appointment to the position of host, methinks. Surprising, really, given that she'll probably use it in the near future to publicise her shitty brand of "electro-rock."

Australian Idol: What The Frock?

SPIEL #1 - I'm quite glad that the judges on Idol have actually addressed their issews (or rather, Mark's issews) regarding Dicko and the supposed superfluousness (superfluity?) of the fourth judge concept. Mark, this entire series, has proven himself to be a massive whiny bitch, and I personally believe that the competition could stand to lose him as a judge in the future. I get that Mark has certain legitimate criticisms of Dicko, but really, Marcia isn't being stupid and pathetic about him, so why can't he just get over it? It's like Mark is some little kid whose dad left him one day, and then came back years later, and he still has residual trust issues. Issues which manifest themselves in blatant acts of famewhoring, namely, going to the media to drum up support for his pointless crusade.

Eff off Mark, right now.

SPIEL #2 - Can we talk about the Young Divas? Apart from having the most laughably stupid name for a girl group ever, they're also a little bit like the adult version of High-5, except with perhaps less music cred. Just like High-5, you can replace any one of the "divas" and nobody really knows or cares.

Being serious for a second, I feel for the ex Idols, whether Diva or otherwise, and I think that Idol should be more of a contest to win money or other fabulous prizes, rather than a serious search for the next big Australian musician. I absolutely love Idol, but it taints the whole experience when you look at the cost of people's dignity at the end. Not to mention some of the truly awful music that we have to listen to.

Rexona Girl Deodorant commercials - I challenge the theory as espoused by Amali Ward that a simple anti-perspirant can "get you through" a competition such as Australian Idol. Really, these ads are so, so stupid.

The results - no surprises there with Daniel Mifsud leaving the competition. I still am bitter about Marty still being in the competition, but at least we don't have to type 'Mifsud' anymore.

(Matt Corby is wearing a clown-pattern mini-dress tonight. I am dead serious.)

Australian Idol: Judges' Choice

On Friday night I was a total loser and watched the Australian Idol 'Doin' it For The Kids' special. The Helping Sick Kids From The Bush theme got extremely boring as the night wore on, and I didn't appreciate being guilt tripped into donating to some free helicopter service, or even worse, auctioning to buy crap items on offer from the Kyle Sandilands collection. But it was at least partly entertaining.

I quite enjoyed Natalie Gauci's take on Crazy. That was a shock, because I didn't really like it all that much when she performed it in the earlier rounds (which, by the way, seems like several years ago now). Disappointing that Ben wasn't there though. Howcome last year when Bobby Flynn was kicked out he was allowed to come back for the Up Close And Personal show but Ben wasn't allowed to perform on Friday night too?

[Don't worry though, Ben. We'll go shopping, yeah? We will be FABULOUS. Yes we will.]

Anyway - tonight's Idol, which was the first round where each Idol performed two songs, was Judges' Choice, otherwise known as the Swap Back and Forth Between Idol And Watching Kevin Rudd Walking All Over John Howard night.

Why didn't they just make it easier on me and do a genre cross-over? We could have the audience gauging the Idols' performances with the little wormy thing at the bottom of the screen -- then we might be able to get an interactive measure of just how shit Marty Simpson's flaccid attempts at producing a marketable sound are. It might also have been interesting to see how far the worm dipped whenever Daniel Mifsud hit any of the many crap high notes that punctuated his deplorable performance.

On the flip side, we could have had John Howard leaping about the stage singing Sinead O'Connor. Hey - girlfriend's already got the funky baldness going on. And you look me in the eye and say you wouldn't love to see Kevin Rudd in a pair of emo pants, sporting a mop of floppy, boot-polished hair.

Actually, I doubt that would work.

Anyway!

Tarisai Vushe - I am still loving that crazy-arse hair of hers and I generally think she's got a wicked voice. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, I think she is ultimately hampered by her lack of personality. Every week she struggles to come across as the quiet and personable type (but fails), and she's extremely inarticulate, which makes the case for wanting her to win pret-ty thin.

Daniel Mifsud - It's so disturbing to me that every week his hair resembles that of Tracy Turnblad. I also find it difficult to look at him when he's singing because he does this weird thing with his non-mic hand that looks like he's... well... interfering with himself. In matters pertaining to his vocal quality: it's a bit too meh, really.

Carl Riseley - It was actually Friday night that I realised this, but I've changed how I feel about Carl. He's less of a goober than he was in previous weeks. He even looks better, for some reason. I don't want him to win (nor do I expect him to) but I feel that his inclusion in the competition thus far isn't totally unwarranted. I dislike the Michael Buble genre, but after several weeks of internal warring over the merits of Carl Riseley's passable voice and mediocre taste in music, I have made my peace with it and am ready to move on. I feel like the protagonist in some really shit novel.

Marty Simpson - ehhh. What can I say that hasn't been said? I swear every time he steps out on stage he consults a checklist of excuses for why he sucks so much:

Marty Simpson Excuse Checklist:

I can't perform on my guitar
There isn't enough time
Australian Idol is wrong for me
I'm a surfie rocker type guy
This genre doesn't suit my unique style
My legs hurt
Wah wahhh wahh

Folks, it really has gotten too far. Is Australia trying to punk me or something? Is there actually any substance to these rumours about Idol being fixed? Because... I am at a loss. Please end it. I NEVER want to hear him do Bob Marley again. Likewise, I never want to have his bogan taste inflicted on me again in the form of Pearl Jam's Last Kiss. Oh, and his story about how the song meant more to him because he had a friend who died in a motorcycle accident didn't shake my belief that it was the single most bogan song choice of any contestant EVER.

Matt Corby - he da winner fo sho. The weird Von Trapp thing that he wore tonight for his first performance was weird, but I quite enjoyed his go at that song from the Phanton of the Opera. It could only be Mark Holden who gave him that. The second song saw him back to his usual fare -- sitting at a piano and singing soulfully, whilst occasionally looking up to dazzle us with those disarming blue eyes of his.

Natalie Gauci - whee! I think she's back on the wheat, poor love. Apart from being a FAT HEIFER*, she's also my second favourite in the competition now that Ben has gone (sigh) (Ben, my offer to hang out still stands, mkay. A friend of mine reckons he knows your ex, and from the sound of it I reckon we'd have a lot in common. So yeah, call me?), and I reckon she's THIS CLOSE to being other people's second favourite as well. Just give her a chance, y'all.

Right. Not a bad night, unlike last week. I'm hoping all the crappiness of last week and the disappointing result will have made way for a good result tomorrow night. Make it happen, twelve year old girls of Australia.

G'night everyone.


Irrelevant side-note: On Rove tonight, the guests included Stephen Curry and some stupid jockey. A JOCKEY, PEOPLE. I was embarrassed for Rove, to be honest.


* I'm just exaggerating, der.

I.

Am.

GOBSMACKED.

My Idol watching this year has had its ups and downs, for sure. When Sarah Lloyde didn't get through to the Top 12, that was disappointing. When Daniel Mifsud got served an entirely unjustified Touchdown, that was pretty hard to deal with, too. But one of the few constants that could be relied upon throughout the competition has been my absolute adoration of Ben McKenzie. I know that sounds a little pervy, but in a completely platonic way I sort of fell in love with him: the spotty, squeaky voiced teen, the little brother, the musical theatre enthusiast, the effeminate seventeen year old. And you know what? I think, in some perverse way, I identified with him.

So to see him gone, especially in such unfair and uncalled-for circumstances, says so much about how totally BACKWARD this year's Australian Idol is. I don't know if it's the Ricki-Lee Effect back in full force, but any competition in which Matt Corby and Ben McKenzie can possibly be judged worse than the likes of Marty Simpson, clearly something is very, very wrong.

I get that his performance last night was not great, and you can't seriously expect your favourites to be safe every week just because you like them, but this? This was not justified.

And Marty Simpson, despite not being in any real way accountable for the decision, needs to wipe that self satisfied smirk off his dirty, unwashed and possibly gangrenous face. That wave you are riding, dear Marty, is a wave of pity, and it will dump your sorry arse on a jagged rock at some stage.

In the past my comments about Marty Simpson have possessed a certain ironic air, even when scathing and downright vitriolic, but tonight I really feel almost personally insulted that he will be back again next week, and Ben won't. YES, it's just a TV show, but STILL.

Dicko may have lost some money on Centrebet (and from the look in his eyes I'm guessing it was a sizeable sum of money), but Australian Idol 2007 has lost so, so much more.

As a reminder, I'm going to post the video of Ben singing Mad World, arguably one of the best performances of the series. I defy Marty Simpson to do anything like it, even with his precious guitar and a bottle of Felix Felicis in hand.



Not happy Jan.




Afterthought: At least I have a new episode of Weeds to keep me in good spirits. Channel Nine, tonight at 10.40. Hint HINT.

Australian Idol: The Year Their Mums Shat Them Out

Highlights from tonight's Australian Idol:

- Marcia slamming the desk and shouting an expletive
- Tarisai wasn't actually born in 1999
- Baby photos are no indication of how good looking a person will turn out to be
- Marty Simpson's voice "one of the best we've ever had on Idol"

And that's about it. Seriously, when did Idol get so boring? For the first time in a while I just didn't care for any of the performances.

Ben made the mistake of forgetting which genre was worst for him - rock - and went ahead and tried to do rock. Carl is a good looking guy, and you get the impression from the judge's comments that he's a nice person back stage, but the boring suit and predictable song choice is wearing mightily thin.

Natalie sang Endless Love, a song that makes me think of Happy Gilmore. Tarisai is nice and all, but you can't help but feel that she'd be a massive bitch in real life. When the judges try to joke with her it feels just uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Marty Simpson is Marty Simpson, and that's all I can say about that.

Matt Corby, who was described hilariously as the Kevin Rudd of Australian Idol, appeared just as usual, like he didn't care to properly dress and groom himself. But tonight was the first time it really bothered me. Like, I get that you're hobo chic and everything, but the illusion is ruined somewhat by the fact that your hair is always hobo-ified exactly the same every week. Comes off a tad forced, yeah?

Daniel Mifsud took all of the judges' aspersions against arranging a song to within an inch of its life and did EXACTLY THAT. He sped Billie Jean up to a reasonable beat, I must concede, but it's a great song to rouse the audience from their collective coma and he just didn't deliver.

So... all in all not a great set of performances tonight. The worst part, I think, was hearing at least half the Idols whingeing about how the year they were born in gave them virtually no songs to work with. I get that 1990 might yield little choice (Hammer Time, anyone?) but, like, can you shut up please? Thanks.

The only thing I feel good about after tonight is that I'm fairly sure that Marty Simpson will be leaving the competition. Other than that, the Year The Idols Were Born was a pretty crap night.

What did y'all think? Am I way off the mark, or was tonight a bit of a dud?

Australian Idol: London Calling

Remember Jacob's vow not to talk about Australian Idol until one Aggro Simpson gets kicked out? Well, he decided to let me have a go at it in the meantime. I'm one of his cousins you don't see a lot... er, BartBart, and I'll be posting tonight in his absence.

So for tonight's Idol theme, Britpop, we have London calling -- and when the Mother Country calls you gotta accept the charges! I sat back and thought of England all right. I only hope Jacob Butler got his pants back from the dry cleaners before tonight's show: he must have totally creamed in them the moment he heard about British pop night. Ahem.

Dirty jokes aside, it wasn't a totally bad night, continuing a rather merciful trend of overall decency. The only thing that's confusing me about Idol this year is that the contestants are predominantly of the male persuasion, yet most of the said males are kind of lame and boring, whereas the two lonely women perform well week in and week out. Then you look at Carl Riseley and Marty Simpson, for instance. I'm not just having a go because I'm a prejudiced dickhead, it seriously does not make sense that they are still there.

They get on stage and it's like I'm Will Ferrell's character from Zoolander: I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE!

Mr. One Trick Pony (and really, the one trick wasn't that interesting in the first place) and Marty "I don't sing covers" Simpson, who even tonight admitted sheepishly that he doesn't belong there. I like that Dicko beseeched the audience to not vote for Marty, but I have a feeling that it might result in a few 'don't vote for him? How's this for not voting!' votes.

So we're down to just eight Idols. Carl performs first, and as I've already had my spiel about him I don't see much point in extrapolating. It's a Harry Connick Junior cover of Can't Buy Me Love. Moving on.

And it's Tarisai, and I am tickled pink that she chose a big belter of a Queen song, Somebody To Love. "This is a little story about myself" she says, to the general bemusement of everyone (is it meant to be a piece of rhetorical showmanship, or is she getting toey all stuck up in the Idol mansion?). Dicko asked her what that's about, and she pretty much gave a demonstration on how to avoid a question that probably could be cleared up with a simple "I miss my family". But anyway, it was a fecking ass-whomping performance, very worthy of a cheesy Touchdown, and we won't don't be doubting her diva credentials after tonight.

Kyle proved that he is a bit of a sweetheart with his comment to her, about looking his way if anyone is making the Idol experience difficult. They keep doing this: alluding to all the rumours and criticism that gets dealt to the Idols behind the scenes, without actually making it very clear what they're talking about. It's annoying.

(Ads: Oh my god, Lee Harding is obese and is sporting the most horrendous Rubeus Hagrid hair. Is he the absolute best person to be selling confectionary to children?)

Up next is Ben McKenzie, the perpetually squeaky, tight pants-wearing darling little brother of the Idol family. He's still heaps breathy with his singing, but I think we're at a stage where we can accept it as a funny performance quirk, because I quite like him. He sang Wonderwall, which is a bit on the dull side for me, but he does a decent job of it. The judges say a few things that get me cranky. Firstly, Marcia says something about light and shade. Okay, seriously: what the HELL does that even MEAN? It's the new phrase for '07 because I swear I haven't heard it before this year, and it doesn't even mean anything. Secondly, Kyle gives the ole backhanded compliment by saying how he's a little geek who never fails to deliver. I'm totally sympathising with Ben here. Get over it much?

Thirdly, Mark says something about how daunting it must have been to perform after Tiramisu. He is STILL saying Tiramisu? I was in a fit of giggles over James Mathison's reply: Mark, if you call Tarisai 'tiramisu' again I'm going to punch you in the throat. It's as simple as that.

Give that man a raise.

Right. Marty Simpson. The reason I'm writing this and not Jacob (ahem). I wish we could vote to evict, I really do. I'm sure even he would vote to end the suffering. I didn't appreciate Dicko's comments about how he's a brilliant performer who just isn't in the right setting to truly shine. Maybe my ears are wired different, but I don't hear anything special about his voice. It's like gravel stomped into butter and spread on burnt toast. Translation: yuck, get the fuck off my telly.

Up next is one of my two examples of underwhelming male singers on Idol: Jacob "my mum says I'm cool" Butler. I'm not surprised that Mark Da Costa is pissed that he was evicted before Jacob, in general, but tonight? Dude is pretty good. He sang the Beatles' Let It Be, and apart from what appeared to be a musically induced tantrum on stage during the latter half of the performance, I enjoyed it. Mark ripped on him for his crap enunciation ("let it beeeya!"), which I didn't notice until that point, but it does seem to be a pretty important point. Stupid Jacob!

Fun Fact: My other cousin, Jenni, went to school with Jacob Butler, and he was a "dick".

Daniel Mifsud. Bleh. Yaaaaaaaawn. I hated that he got a Touchdown last week: it was undeserved and it cheapened an already lame Idol institution. I don't care much for his constant butchering of old songs and I'm glad that Dicko called him out on it, because slowing down a song or adding superfluous vocal gymnastics does not a good arrangement make. He has my Hot Tip for an appearance in the bottom three tomorrow.

Anyway, let's put that behind us, and check in on Natalie Gauci, who sang Amy Winehouse's song about refusing to go back to rehab. I think I'll go out on a limb here and say that our Nat is decidedly classier than Amy Boozehouse. The pictures speak for themselves:


Incidentally, the picture on the right is what I would like to do to Daniel Mifsud. See, he's got the grey scarfe and everything.

I quite like it. The song didn't lose the funny and cheeky appeal of the original, in spite of the fact that Natalie was looking fresh faced and FRIGGIN HOT tonight. My cousin Jacob has called her the dark horse of the competition, which she totally is. Why would anyone vote for the likes of Daniel Mifsud, Jacob Butler and Aggro when the two girls are clearly kicking their sorry arses every single week?

Kyle wants to know what she's doing to look so good, and she says she doesn't eat wheat anymore. Hurray for anorexia! As Culture Strain Sam would say: Carbs are your friend.

Then, and this is the most astonishing part, the judges say that the song is lost on her, being all fresh of face and free of drugs and everything. Bastards!

I am SO a junkie slag.

You tell 'em Nat.

So with the seven warm-up acts out of the way, up next is Matt Corby! The first thing I think of when he comes out on stage is 'is he perhaps taking the hobo chic thing too far?' Granted, it sort of works for him, but I would at least like to see him come out with something.... different. Maybe. Anyway. He manages to hit a big long note withOUT the facial contortions required by some of the other contestant, so that's a big plus. It's a marvellous rendition of Bittersweet Symphony, and a well deserved Touchdown. Not that it matters after last week, but you know. Whatever.

So, that's it from BartBart. I'm not holding my breath for Marty Simpson to be gone by next week, but I sincerely hope so. If not, my other tips for eviction are Daniel Mifsud and Carl Riseley. I feel it's time to go for one of those three. But we shall see.

PS - Did Dicko use the word 'glossy' at all tonight? I don't think he did.

Utterly disgusted by the outcome of tonight's Idol decision. Tarisai should NOT have been in the bottom three, and as bland as he is, neither should Daniel Mifsud.

Just now when I was texting a message outlining my disgust at Marty still being in the competition, the word that came up instead of Marty was 'nasty' which, if you think about it, is close enough anyway. HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE THERE, PEOPLE.

As a sign of my outrage, I won't be doing any more Idol blogging until Marty is gone from the competition.

(It's also because I feel like I'm hogging all the Idol snarking from the rest of the Square Arses, but that's just a sidenote to the main reason.)

BOOOO MARTY.

UPDATE -- This is the video replay of my reaction to Marty Simpson getting through unscathed:



Yes, I am a Swedish woman. Didn't you know?

Australian Idol (now with 100% less Brianna Carpenter!)

EVEN THOUGH I'm determined not to go in head first into this Idol blogging thing, as there are already excellent recappers out there, I actually set up the TV next to my computer so that I could take notes for tonight's ep, as I am tired of trying to remember what my harsh, off the cuff judgements were. This means that I have officially put more effort into Idol this year than year 12 legal studies.

So yeah, Disco Night, and you know what? It wasn't that bad. Crappy performances were limited only to those who were already pretty crap to begin with (Marty Simpson, Lana Krost, Jacob Butler) so I wasn't quite ejecting my bowels like I was during last week's episode, which was just a forgettable load of bollocks. And unlike Rock Night, there were no slippery interpretations of the chosen theme, with the possible exception of a Hot Chocolate song in the brew, which as Dicko helpfully pointed out is reggae. But whatever, I can deal.

read the rest

Tarasai shouted Hot Stuff. Immediately I am reminded of Cosima De Vito's performance of that song, and I pray to the baby Jesus that she doesn't try to bring out the same unsexy hip thrusts that Cosima utilised way back in 2003. (Wow, how good is my memory?) Anyway - my reception kind of went retarded, so I missed most of it, but I've seen enough of Tarasai's on stage shouting routine not to expect anything mind blowing, and if she did do the hip thrusts then I didn't see it, so that's all good.

Her hair was kinda weird though. Lots of spirals and shit.

Up next is Ben McKenzie.



No, not that Ben McKenzie, silly. The slightly less masculine one. Yeah, him.

As usual Ben is adorable. The start of the song is slightly retarded, and slowed down, but I don't care because it's Ben. He's done a lot of research and lists all this useless trivia about the song, like he's doing a presentation on it for class the next morning or something. Perhaps he's turning into Dicko, and is relishing the opportunity to give lengthy tutorials on every obscure fact about music?

He sings Michael Jackson's Don't Stop Til You Get Enough, and it is a vast improvement on last week's, and I get pretty into it.

Even after last week's veritable gay bashing, wherein he was told that he was feminine and pooncy, Mark decides to do a complete 360 and advises Ben to embrace his androgyny. The audience, comprised entirely of bogan mums and screaming bogan girls, clearly have no idea what the word means, as they are unsure whether to boo. I love how the judges own the audience like that - like how Kyle tells the kids to shut up and stuff, and they do. Makes me lol every time.

PS. Michael Jackson would seriously try to molest Ben McKenzie.

Then it's Mark Da Costa, whose name I'm getting sick of typing out. It doesn't seem worth the effort writing about Mark, there just aren't too many times you can rephrase the sentence "tryhard rocker with lots of ugly stubble tries to sing Jet."

The thing I hate about his performance, firstly, is that he tells the audience that they can dance before he's started singing. Jeez, why not tell them to applaud really loudly, and ask Mark to give him a Touchdown? Stupid.

He's also wearing a crucifix, which is lame, because he wears one virtually every week, and I can't imagine WHY he does it. Is it because Christian rock is so hardcore? Because, like... no.

Marcia tells us to look in his eyes, as he is apparently "in the zone." Um, okay. Not sure what zone Marcia is in, but I imagine it's full of shiny things and blue cars and dogs with puffy tails. Mark has a shoulder spasm, which I think is meant to indicate that he felt a Touchdown coming on, but instead he settles for a high pitched OOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! noise. Riiiiight. *cough* queer *cough*


Ads: Is Rove cross-legged on a desk wearing red lace-up emo shoes? Are we absolutely sure that he isn't a fifth grader himself?


I'm totally guffawing at Lana Krost's performance, because I just KNOW that she will be eliminated any week now, and she will cry and it will be simultaneously the worst and funniest two minutes of television this year. Anyway, I noticed in her video package that she has a slightly American accent - she pronounces Disco as "discow" for instance. What's the deal with that?

Mark asks her if she would rather be performing on Idol or preparing to do her HSC exams or something (whatever it is in those wacky Eastern states, I don't know). Hm. That's a touch choice. School, or being on TV every week. I am utterly shocked that she said she'd rather be singing on Idol than doing exams. Afterthought: how in hell is she revising for said exams anyway?

Eh, Jacob Butler next. He's another contestant who I just struggle to find a different combination of words with which to describe his pleading onstage manner. But in the spirit of things, I'll give it a go:

He sang Jamiroquai. His falsetto is rubbish. He hops and bops around on stage and there are whales in the Pacific Ocean who are picking up on the awkward vibes that this guy is radiating. He is wearing a tracksuit. I think John Howard and Vicky Pollard collaborated on his outfit tonight. He is WELL gonna get beatings from the voting public I reckon.

Dicko condemns him for his 'dad dancing' (heh), Marcia says some crap that no one cares about, and Mark's advice?

"Be brilliant."

Uh-huh.

Next performer, and it's......... bletch. Marty Simpson.

He's singing You Sexy Thing (do you reckon he'll sing the T Shirt version, do ya, do ya, do ya?).

Strike one: He's wearing an orange shirt with a vest. Pukesome.
Strike two: Starts off the performance on a stool.
Strike three: He sings "I believe in mirror balls" at the end.

Still dirty. Still untalented. I want him gone.

Dicko says he needs a clip around the ears (perhaps with a good pair of shearing clippers, followed by a dunk in the sheep dip?), and Mark comes out with a rare bit of commentary gold, saying he looked and sounded like Agro.

Then Marty excuses himself by saying that he isn't used to singing covers. Did you read that, folks? HE ISN'T USED TO SINGING COVERS. To be fair, his family probably doesn't own a television, so I can understand if he isn't familiar with the Idol concept. (Hm, too far?)

Daniel Mifsud is up next, and he sings something by the Rolling Stones (you know - those icons of disco music), with some particularly chilling Bow Chika Wah Wah music in the background. His favourite grey scarf is absent. The whole thing is boring, so I'll move right along to...

Carl Riseley, who sings "September" by Earth Wind and Fire. He isn't completely bastardising the theme this week, which is a bit of a relief even though I don't much care for Carl, but his scatting is sucky AS. Dude, there's a reason why scat is another word for shit, because that's what it is. Shit.

He closes his eyes too much when he sings, which aggravates me. New rule: Only Toni Collette and Nick Hoult are allowed to sing with their eyes closed, but only if they are singing a duet of Killing Me Softly on the piano. Everyone else has to stop with the pretentious closed-eye singing, because it grates. Other than that, it isn't a terrible performance, Kyle announces the triumphant return of the sailor that the judges once knew and loved.

Another thing about Carl that I've noticed, is that he always has a compulsion to speak in between judges, even though he's kind of inarticulate and it comes off as making excuses. I'm a bit over Carl, good performance or not.


Ads: Everybody, can we please boycott Head and Shoulders and Pascall?


Okay! Here we go, it's time for Idol fans to slide into its sexy lacy knickers, because Matt Corby is about to serenade us with a song. First his video package, in which he reflects upon his performance last week, and how humble he is, and how he hopes he won't get killed for tonight's performance, and even though it's probably a load of bollocks I believe every word he says.

He's singing Got To Get You Into My Life, a song choice which can only be described as OMGWTFBBQ TEH AWESOME LOLZ, and he hits the notes so well that even I am impressed. They're powerful, and seemingly effortless, and he doesn't have that aura of trying too hard that so often shrouds the other Idols' performances. It's a fantastic performance, and it deservingly gets the first Touchdown of the series. The new Touchdown! graphics look kind of povo, like they were done by a year eight kid on Powerpoint, but HOORAY! Finally!

Marcia says she loved the song, the notes and the lack of fear; you go boy. Kyle says he would pay money to see it, and I agree.

UPDATE: It's already on Youtube.

It's a biiiiig mother of an act to follow, so it's lucky for Natalie Gauci that she's singing a song which is guaranteed to go down well: I Will Survive.

There are a few moments of unnecessary vocal gymnastics which are a little questionable, but once she gets into the performance it's upbeat and overall a pretty solid effort. Devoid of any trademark lines of his own, Dicko says it gets a "big ticko from Dicko". I doubt it will catch on, but we'll see.

Kyle asks where the drag queens are. If I hadn't defended Ben McKenzie in my last Idol post against unfair statements about his sexuality, I would suggest that he come out and grind with Matt Corby on stage. But that's more for my benefit than Natalie's, so nyar.


So after a pretty decent selection of performances, I think we can be assured that this year's Idol isn't set to be the trainwreck that we witnessed last week. My guesses are usually pretty far off the mark, but I'm going to nominate Marty Simpson, Jacob Butler and Lana Krost as my favourites for the bottom three. Now that I've said it it will be completely jinxed, but what the hey.

Australian Idol: Rock Night

Why is everybody always picking on me?

Jeez, how much were the judges laying into Ben McKenzie tonight for being the way he is? And they didn't say nice words, they actually said "feminine." Christ. I'm not exactly butch, but I would DIE if someone called me feminine. Effeminate, maybe, because that implies that you're a boy who has certain girlish qualities (which, in an abstract way, is sort of a compliment), but feminine? That's just soul crushingly awful for a boy-man in his situation, especially given that he's been getting questions throughout the competition about his sexuality, which is unthinkably rude ANYWAY because a) he is seventeen years old; and b) it's totally irrelevant.

Oh Ben! I'm sure they'd think again, if they had a friend like Ben.

Anyway.

Tonight's Idol sucked the fat one in a major way.

Firstly, and the previous post will attest to this fact, Matt Corby appeared to be wearing an insane top with what Chesty describes as a built-in shawl. I thought perhaps Quasimodo was behind stage somewhere, and poor Matt accidentally picked up one of his shirts - thinking it was part of the Idol wardrobe - and put it on backwards. Hence the funny lump bit at the front. Something like that anyway, I haven't worked it out yet either.

Carl comPLETELY went off the tracks, down an embankment and into a deep chasm with his rather liberal interpretation of the "rock" genre, which was tonight's theme. He sang Clocks by Coldplay, a song which hardly classifies as rock in the first place, and he went and turned it into (omg shock!) a swing number. Gaaaaaaaaay. He's okay looking and stuff, but he doesn't belong in the Top 12 of Australian Idol. He just doesn't. Argue with me in the comments if you think otherwise.

Brianna Carpenter went down the same chasm. Unfortunately for the "quirky" one who likes to fondle sixteen year olds in a spa, her take on the rock genre was disappointing. Although, I will give her props for actually giving it a fair go, unlike Carl who was just being lazy. It wasn't great, but at least she didn't take a rock song and turn it into a coquette, warbling nursery rhyme.

My least favourite contestant, Marty Simpson, defied the entire world's condemnation of his ghastly physical appearance, complete with Severus Snape hair and John Howard eyebrows, and showed up in usual grotty form. I walked out of the room halfway through because it sucked royally. At this point I wish that I could vote to evict.

I won't bore you with details of the entire night, because it really was a bad genre. Even the ones who are meant to be the rock performers (Jacob Butler, Mark Da Costa, Daniel Mifsud) were mediocre. I don't care what the judges said, Natalie rocked the tight, skinny-legged pants off those three. They were all a bit bland, except for a Mr Gadget coat somewhere in the mix, which... I WANT ONE.

Despite my love for Ben McKenzie and my belief that Natalie is one of the real contenders this year, my favourite of the night was Tarisai Vushe, who clearly is in a league of her own. When you look at someone like Lana Krost, there is no comparison. I loved her little walk up the aisle, as it reminded me of something that you would see every week in the 2003 season, when "working the crowd" was topmost in the judges' eyes, although Kyle or Dicko said that it was like an African evangelist. I thought that was a bit harsh - she's been good lately, we haven't heard a single reference to Jesus in quite a while.

So that's about all I have to say about tonight. At one point Mark was almost shouting for a Panadol, and as much as I despise his Mr G-like theatrical spells, I kind of agreed with him. Mostly.

Next week, children, is Disco Night! Booyah!

Random note that I couldn't neatly segue into during the formation of this post: I love how the stylist tried to squeeze all the male performers into tight pants. And how there was at least two shots of Matt Corby and Carl Riseley getting changed. Clearly there are some cunning gays working in the editing room of that show.

This Isn't the Official* Idol Post ...

... But I had to share my shock and horror:

Matt Corby was wearing a T-shirt with built-in shawl.

I have no words.






* Jacob?

This one's a two part post!

ANTM:

Okay, firstly Channel Ten - this series is OLD. I remember watching these episodes a full year ago (if not more) on Fox8, and I already know who wins.

However. I am addicted to this show and I have some general points of discussion to share.

... not the least of which is how much I detest Tyra Banks. I wish she would just stick to being a host, but instead she tries to play up her role a bit too much that it repels me, the viewer. Channel Ten keep showing clips of the women's auditions, with one of Tyra Banks acting all stupid for a hand-held camera for some reason, and it just makes me want to give her a Ritalin or two and a time-out. No Tyra! Bad!

Because I'm so progressive and enlightened, here is how I rank the women remaining in the competition from worst to best:

Nik - I don't see what the judges see in her. She's got a weirdly huge forehead, big boofy hair and fake-looking lips. I know that's shallow, but this is a modelling competition, and I am a boy. I'm allowed to make superficial judgements.

Jayla - god, what's with the retarded names? Jayla has great eyes, they remind me of Natalie Imbruglia for some reason, but she is b-to-the-oring.

Bre - I can never understand what this girl is saying because she has this weird husky voice, like she's only just developed the power of speech (or like she's had her larynx jabbed with a spike). She's pretty boring, but prettier than the first two.

Kim - the boyish lesbian. Unconventionally attractive, but attractive nonetheless. She's the dark horse of the competition, and for someone who acts all masculine all the time I think she has a lovely soft feminine face at times. Oh god, listen to me!

Nicole - she always seems kind of bored with the proceedings, but it's in a hilarious Daria-esque way, like she knows that she's better than everyone. She's absolutely stunning in the way that the other women aren't (sorry, y'all), and I think she is the best.


And finally-


I hate that this man is an expert on style.


IDOL:
I'm predicting that Marty Simpson will take out the dubious honour of becoming the first Top 12 reject of the series. He's the most perplexing contestant in the competition in my opinion, I just don't get why he is there. His voice isn't really that special, he is obviously the biggest bogan in the competition (and I mean, like, in the ENTIRE competition, not just the ones remaining), and every time I see him I just want to attack him with scissors. I like to think that this is because he desperately needs a haircut, as it always looks unwashed and gross, and it hangs around his face à la Severus Snape, giving his facial features an oddly squashed look.

Quoth Marty's dad: "I'm a brickie, and his brother's a garbo, so if Marty can make a living as a musician instead of a brickie then good on him."

[Or something, I don't have a VCR, and I can't be arsed taking notes, so nyah.]

In Ben McKenzie's video package thingo, they showed a clip from when he was singing in a musical as a kid and he sounded pretty much exactly the same as he does now. Ha! But seriously folks, I love Ben. Dicko was right with his comment about Ben being the little brother of the competition, you just know that he would share his stuff with you AND let you use his Nintendo Wii when your friends come over after school.

Brianna "cunnilingus rash face" Carpenter did God Only Knows - one of my favourite songs ever since I heard Mandy Moore's cover of it in the opening credits of Saved! - and it was slightly less faux-theatrical than last week, but it was flat most of the way through it, and there were more pitch problems than me playing baseball in PE class. The dress was nice, apart from the superfluous buttons hastily stapled on to the front by - I presume - her mother.

Matt Corby is a vision of perfection, except for the deliberately messed up hair that seems to be all the rage these days. He needs to fix that, and do something about his slouching, but otherwise he was fantastic. I'm glad that Mark Holden has discontinued his use of Touchdown (opting instead for a more sedate 'boo yah!') but I wouldn't have been at all surprised if he had pulled one out after Matt's killer performance of The Scientist.

The rest bored the crap out of me, and one in particular (who we shall call Carl R... no wait, that's too obvious, better make it C Riseley) deserves to be publicly humiliated for choosing to sing Waltzing Matilda.