Australian Idol: London Calling

Remember Jacob's vow not to talk about Australian Idol until one Aggro Simpson gets kicked out? Well, he decided to let me have a go at it in the meantime. I'm one of his cousins you don't see a lot... er, BartBart, and I'll be posting tonight in his absence.

So for tonight's Idol theme, Britpop, we have London calling -- and when the Mother Country calls you gotta accept the charges! I sat back and thought of England all right. I only hope Jacob Butler got his pants back from the dry cleaners before tonight's show: he must have totally creamed in them the moment he heard about British pop night. Ahem.

Dirty jokes aside, it wasn't a totally bad night, continuing a rather merciful trend of overall decency. The only thing that's confusing me about Idol this year is that the contestants are predominantly of the male persuasion, yet most of the said males are kind of lame and boring, whereas the two lonely women perform well week in and week out. Then you look at Carl Riseley and Marty Simpson, for instance. I'm not just having a go because I'm a prejudiced dickhead, it seriously does not make sense that they are still there.

They get on stage and it's like I'm Will Ferrell's character from Zoolander: I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE!

Mr. One Trick Pony (and really, the one trick wasn't that interesting in the first place) and Marty "I don't sing covers" Simpson, who even tonight admitted sheepishly that he doesn't belong there. I like that Dicko beseeched the audience to not vote for Marty, but I have a feeling that it might result in a few 'don't vote for him? How's this for not voting!' votes.

So we're down to just eight Idols. Carl performs first, and as I've already had my spiel about him I don't see much point in extrapolating. It's a Harry Connick Junior cover of Can't Buy Me Love. Moving on.

And it's Tarisai, and I am tickled pink that she chose a big belter of a Queen song, Somebody To Love. "This is a little story about myself" she says, to the general bemusement of everyone (is it meant to be a piece of rhetorical showmanship, or is she getting toey all stuck up in the Idol mansion?). Dicko asked her what that's about, and she pretty much gave a demonstration on how to avoid a question that probably could be cleared up with a simple "I miss my family". But anyway, it was a fecking ass-whomping performance, very worthy of a cheesy Touchdown, and we won't don't be doubting her diva credentials after tonight.

Kyle proved that he is a bit of a sweetheart with his comment to her, about looking his way if anyone is making the Idol experience difficult. They keep doing this: alluding to all the rumours and criticism that gets dealt to the Idols behind the scenes, without actually making it very clear what they're talking about. It's annoying.

(Ads: Oh my god, Lee Harding is obese and is sporting the most horrendous Rubeus Hagrid hair. Is he the absolute best person to be selling confectionary to children?)

Up next is Ben McKenzie, the perpetually squeaky, tight pants-wearing darling little brother of the Idol family. He's still heaps breathy with his singing, but I think we're at a stage where we can accept it as a funny performance quirk, because I quite like him. He sang Wonderwall, which is a bit on the dull side for me, but he does a decent job of it. The judges say a few things that get me cranky. Firstly, Marcia says something about light and shade. Okay, seriously: what the HELL does that even MEAN? It's the new phrase for '07 because I swear I haven't heard it before this year, and it doesn't even mean anything. Secondly, Kyle gives the ole backhanded compliment by saying how he's a little geek who never fails to deliver. I'm totally sympathising with Ben here. Get over it much?

Thirdly, Mark says something about how daunting it must have been to perform after Tiramisu. He is STILL saying Tiramisu? I was in a fit of giggles over James Mathison's reply: Mark, if you call Tarisai 'tiramisu' again I'm going to punch you in the throat. It's as simple as that.

Give that man a raise.

Right. Marty Simpson. The reason I'm writing this and not Jacob (ahem). I wish we could vote to evict, I really do. I'm sure even he would vote to end the suffering. I didn't appreciate Dicko's comments about how he's a brilliant performer who just isn't in the right setting to truly shine. Maybe my ears are wired different, but I don't hear anything special about his voice. It's like gravel stomped into butter and spread on burnt toast. Translation: yuck, get the fuck off my telly.

Up next is one of my two examples of underwhelming male singers on Idol: Jacob "my mum says I'm cool" Butler. I'm not surprised that Mark Da Costa is pissed that he was evicted before Jacob, in general, but tonight? Dude is pretty good. He sang the Beatles' Let It Be, and apart from what appeared to be a musically induced tantrum on stage during the latter half of the performance, I enjoyed it. Mark ripped on him for his crap enunciation ("let it beeeya!"), which I didn't notice until that point, but it does seem to be a pretty important point. Stupid Jacob!

Fun Fact: My other cousin, Jenni, went to school with Jacob Butler, and he was a "dick".

Daniel Mifsud. Bleh. Yaaaaaaaawn. I hated that he got a Touchdown last week: it was undeserved and it cheapened an already lame Idol institution. I don't care much for his constant butchering of old songs and I'm glad that Dicko called him out on it, because slowing down a song or adding superfluous vocal gymnastics does not a good arrangement make. He has my Hot Tip for an appearance in the bottom three tomorrow.

Anyway, let's put that behind us, and check in on Natalie Gauci, who sang Amy Winehouse's song about refusing to go back to rehab. I think I'll go out on a limb here and say that our Nat is decidedly classier than Amy Boozehouse. The pictures speak for themselves:


Incidentally, the picture on the right is what I would like to do to Daniel Mifsud. See, he's got the grey scarfe and everything.

I quite like it. The song didn't lose the funny and cheeky appeal of the original, in spite of the fact that Natalie was looking fresh faced and FRIGGIN HOT tonight. My cousin Jacob has called her the dark horse of the competition, which she totally is. Why would anyone vote for the likes of Daniel Mifsud, Jacob Butler and Aggro when the two girls are clearly kicking their sorry arses every single week?

Kyle wants to know what she's doing to look so good, and she says she doesn't eat wheat anymore. Hurray for anorexia! As Culture Strain Sam would say: Carbs are your friend.

Then, and this is the most astonishing part, the judges say that the song is lost on her, being all fresh of face and free of drugs and everything. Bastards!

I am SO a junkie slag.

You tell 'em Nat.

So with the seven warm-up acts out of the way, up next is Matt Corby! The first thing I think of when he comes out on stage is 'is he perhaps taking the hobo chic thing too far?' Granted, it sort of works for him, but I would at least like to see him come out with something.... different. Maybe. Anyway. He manages to hit a big long note withOUT the facial contortions required by some of the other contestant, so that's a big plus. It's a marvellous rendition of Bittersweet Symphony, and a well deserved Touchdown. Not that it matters after last week, but you know. Whatever.

So, that's it from BartBart. I'm not holding my breath for Marty Simpson to be gone by next week, but I sincerely hope so. If not, my other tips for eviction are Daniel Mifsud and Carl Riseley. I feel it's time to go for one of those three. But we shall see.

PS - Did Dicko use the word 'glossy' at all tonight? I don't think he did.