Australian Idol (now with 100% less Brianna Carpenter!)

EVEN THOUGH I'm determined not to go in head first into this Idol blogging thing, as there are already excellent recappers out there, I actually set up the TV next to my computer so that I could take notes for tonight's ep, as I am tired of trying to remember what my harsh, off the cuff judgements were. This means that I have officially put more effort into Idol this year than year 12 legal studies.

So yeah, Disco Night, and you know what? It wasn't that bad. Crappy performances were limited only to those who were already pretty crap to begin with (Marty Simpson, Lana Krost, Jacob Butler) so I wasn't quite ejecting my bowels like I was during last week's episode, which was just a forgettable load of bollocks. And unlike Rock Night, there were no slippery interpretations of the chosen theme, with the possible exception of a Hot Chocolate song in the brew, which as Dicko helpfully pointed out is reggae. But whatever, I can deal.

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Tarasai shouted Hot Stuff. Immediately I am reminded of Cosima De Vito's performance of that song, and I pray to the baby Jesus that she doesn't try to bring out the same unsexy hip thrusts that Cosima utilised way back in 2003. (Wow, how good is my memory?) Anyway - my reception kind of went retarded, so I missed most of it, but I've seen enough of Tarasai's on stage shouting routine not to expect anything mind blowing, and if she did do the hip thrusts then I didn't see it, so that's all good.

Her hair was kinda weird though. Lots of spirals and shit.

Up next is Ben McKenzie.



No, not that Ben McKenzie, silly. The slightly less masculine one. Yeah, him.

As usual Ben is adorable. The start of the song is slightly retarded, and slowed down, but I don't care because it's Ben. He's done a lot of research and lists all this useless trivia about the song, like he's doing a presentation on it for class the next morning or something. Perhaps he's turning into Dicko, and is relishing the opportunity to give lengthy tutorials on every obscure fact about music?

He sings Michael Jackson's Don't Stop Til You Get Enough, and it is a vast improvement on last week's, and I get pretty into it.

Even after last week's veritable gay bashing, wherein he was told that he was feminine and pooncy, Mark decides to do a complete 360 and advises Ben to embrace his androgyny. The audience, comprised entirely of bogan mums and screaming bogan girls, clearly have no idea what the word means, as they are unsure whether to boo. I love how the judges own the audience like that - like how Kyle tells the kids to shut up and stuff, and they do. Makes me lol every time.

PS. Michael Jackson would seriously try to molest Ben McKenzie.

Then it's Mark Da Costa, whose name I'm getting sick of typing out. It doesn't seem worth the effort writing about Mark, there just aren't too many times you can rephrase the sentence "tryhard rocker with lots of ugly stubble tries to sing Jet."

The thing I hate about his performance, firstly, is that he tells the audience that they can dance before he's started singing. Jeez, why not tell them to applaud really loudly, and ask Mark to give him a Touchdown? Stupid.

He's also wearing a crucifix, which is lame, because he wears one virtually every week, and I can't imagine WHY he does it. Is it because Christian rock is so hardcore? Because, like... no.

Marcia tells us to look in his eyes, as he is apparently "in the zone." Um, okay. Not sure what zone Marcia is in, but I imagine it's full of shiny things and blue cars and dogs with puffy tails. Mark has a shoulder spasm, which I think is meant to indicate that he felt a Touchdown coming on, but instead he settles for a high pitched OOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! noise. Riiiiight. *cough* queer *cough*


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I'm totally guffawing at Lana Krost's performance, because I just KNOW that she will be eliminated any week now, and she will cry and it will be simultaneously the worst and funniest two minutes of television this year. Anyway, I noticed in her video package that she has a slightly American accent - she pronounces Disco as "discow" for instance. What's the deal with that?

Mark asks her if she would rather be performing on Idol or preparing to do her HSC exams or something (whatever it is in those wacky Eastern states, I don't know). Hm. That's a touch choice. School, or being on TV every week. I am utterly shocked that she said she'd rather be singing on Idol than doing exams. Afterthought: how in hell is she revising for said exams anyway?

Eh, Jacob Butler next. He's another contestant who I just struggle to find a different combination of words with which to describe his pleading onstage manner. But in the spirit of things, I'll give it a go:

He sang Jamiroquai. His falsetto is rubbish. He hops and bops around on stage and there are whales in the Pacific Ocean who are picking up on the awkward vibes that this guy is radiating. He is wearing a tracksuit. I think John Howard and Vicky Pollard collaborated on his outfit tonight. He is WELL gonna get beatings from the voting public I reckon.

Dicko condemns him for his 'dad dancing' (heh), Marcia says some crap that no one cares about, and Mark's advice?

"Be brilliant."

Uh-huh.

Next performer, and it's......... bletch. Marty Simpson.

He's singing You Sexy Thing (do you reckon he'll sing the T Shirt version, do ya, do ya, do ya?).

Strike one: He's wearing an orange shirt with a vest. Pukesome.
Strike two: Starts off the performance on a stool.
Strike three: He sings "I believe in mirror balls" at the end.

Still dirty. Still untalented. I want him gone.

Dicko says he needs a clip around the ears (perhaps with a good pair of shearing clippers, followed by a dunk in the sheep dip?), and Mark comes out with a rare bit of commentary gold, saying he looked and sounded like Agro.

Then Marty excuses himself by saying that he isn't used to singing covers. Did you read that, folks? HE ISN'T USED TO SINGING COVERS. To be fair, his family probably doesn't own a television, so I can understand if he isn't familiar with the Idol concept. (Hm, too far?)

Daniel Mifsud is up next, and he sings something by the Rolling Stones (you know - those icons of disco music), with some particularly chilling Bow Chika Wah Wah music in the background. His favourite grey scarf is absent. The whole thing is boring, so I'll move right along to...

Carl Riseley, who sings "September" by Earth Wind and Fire. He isn't completely bastardising the theme this week, which is a bit of a relief even though I don't much care for Carl, but his scatting is sucky AS. Dude, there's a reason why scat is another word for shit, because that's what it is. Shit.

He closes his eyes too much when he sings, which aggravates me. New rule: Only Toni Collette and Nick Hoult are allowed to sing with their eyes closed, but only if they are singing a duet of Killing Me Softly on the piano. Everyone else has to stop with the pretentious closed-eye singing, because it grates. Other than that, it isn't a terrible performance, Kyle announces the triumphant return of the sailor that the judges once knew and loved.

Another thing about Carl that I've noticed, is that he always has a compulsion to speak in between judges, even though he's kind of inarticulate and it comes off as making excuses. I'm a bit over Carl, good performance or not.


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Okay! Here we go, it's time for Idol fans to slide into its sexy lacy knickers, because Matt Corby is about to serenade us with a song. First his video package, in which he reflects upon his performance last week, and how humble he is, and how he hopes he won't get killed for tonight's performance, and even though it's probably a load of bollocks I believe every word he says.

He's singing Got To Get You Into My Life, a song choice which can only be described as OMGWTFBBQ TEH AWESOME LOLZ, and he hits the notes so well that even I am impressed. They're powerful, and seemingly effortless, and he doesn't have that aura of trying too hard that so often shrouds the other Idols' performances. It's a fantastic performance, and it deservingly gets the first Touchdown of the series. The new Touchdown! graphics look kind of povo, like they were done by a year eight kid on Powerpoint, but HOORAY! Finally!

Marcia says she loved the song, the notes and the lack of fear; you go boy. Kyle says he would pay money to see it, and I agree.

UPDATE: It's already on Youtube.

It's a biiiiig mother of an act to follow, so it's lucky for Natalie Gauci that she's singing a song which is guaranteed to go down well: I Will Survive.

There are a few moments of unnecessary vocal gymnastics which are a little questionable, but once she gets into the performance it's upbeat and overall a pretty solid effort. Devoid of any trademark lines of his own, Dicko says it gets a "big ticko from Dicko". I doubt it will catch on, but we'll see.

Kyle asks where the drag queens are. If I hadn't defended Ben McKenzie in my last Idol post against unfair statements about his sexuality, I would suggest that he come out and grind with Matt Corby on stage. But that's more for my benefit than Natalie's, so nyar.


So after a pretty decent selection of performances, I think we can be assured that this year's Idol isn't set to be the trainwreck that we witnessed last week. My guesses are usually pretty far off the mark, but I'm going to nominate Marty Simpson, Jacob Butler and Lana Krost as my favourites for the bottom three. Now that I've said it it will be completely jinxed, but what the hey.