I'm just a cross-hair: Incredible Journeys with Steve Leonard, Osprey Odyssey

Bucking the trend of Square Eyes, Square Arse, on Sunday night I settled on to my exercise bike to do an hour’s cycling while watching a documentary.

I do love a good documentary, or to paraphrase the Simpsons, “She’s learning on her own! Get her!”

I didn’t quite understand why Steve Leonard, a vet who claims to “know a thing or two about birds”, gets his own show, nay, an entire series. I suspect it has something to do with white teeth, athletic build and a rugged outdoorsman countenance.

So Osprey Odyssey is about ospreys, surprisingly enough. In case you’re not aware of them, they’re basically a big predatory bird that makes its home between the ageing-hipster wonderland of Martha’s Vineyard (home to James Taylor, among others) and the tropical wilds of South America.

the osprey - majestic bird or crap reality television contestant?

The show set out early that its point was to follow the route of several Osprey (Bunga, Jaws and Tasha) on their first migratory journey. The local osprey dudes had already attached solar-powered tracking devices to three birds, in the hope that one of them might arrive alive.

Leonard’s early attempts to locate and glorify the osprey however seem to amount to wandering about Martha’s Vineyard and then the streets of New York City, asking random passers-by about ospreys.

All this improves however when, to the soundtrack of ‘Take me out’ by Franz Ferdinand, a tour bus is acquired and the crew sets off after the birds.

What I find perplexing is that, despite the thousands of kilometres traveled and Steve’s alleged commitment to the tracking, he often seems to find himself with nothing to do, bothering locals in a desperate bid to make this anything other than an hour’s worth of a couple of blokes sitting on a bus with their ears pressed to satellite tracking devices.

Due to the phenomenal lack of ospreys actually being tracked by the program in its footage, they pad out the program with a bunch of other shots of ospreys doing what they do – flying, catching fish, completing algebraic equations, etc.

At a later point in the show, Steve explains how, across thousands of kilometres, several borders and all kinds of terrain and weather conditions, the osprey has endured to complete its migration. What he doesn’t explain is why, across the same thousands of kilometres, several borders and all kinds of terrain and weather conditions he…..wore shorts. I mean seriously, was that completely necessary?

So what was the outcome? Two dead ospreys and one little specky osprey you can see in the distance and which we are assured is Jaws, the final osprey in the pack. I’m willing to suspend my disbelief on this one, otherwise I would have just wasted an hour of my life.

On the other hand, none of this activity took place while tone-deaf fashion tragics warbled their way through endless hours of recaps and highlights, only to be three-way-villified by Kyle, Dicko and Mark, or the alleged “hard news” value of 60 Minutes. So perhaps it’s worth watching to avoid what’s on the other channels. Or, alternatively, you can do your tax, like the ever-efficient Actonb.

Next week, Steve will be chasing caribou through the far Northern hemisphere. I’m willing to bet there will be less shorts in that one, although presumably roughly the same amount of flashing white teeth and rock soundtrack.

Incredible Journeys airs at 7:30pm on Sundays on ABC-TV.