Big Brother 2008

Okay, first impressions. I think Kyle and Jackie O are going to do a good job with the co-hosting this year. Of course the most awkward people on the night were the ingoing housemates themselves, so I shan't complain about the hosts just yet. I still sort of miss Gretel, who has become like the poor deceased Aunt Gladys of Big Brother Australia. I wonder what she was doing last night? Getting slowly hammered and injecting botox probably. But that's just a regular Sunday night for Gretel.

The housemates were... a bit of a let-down. Wasn't it strange how they revealed like, five housemates over the last week but not the others? What was the point of that? Anyway. Terri I seem to have warmed to; nobody who cries lovingly over their ugly infant grandson is a bad person in my mind. The housemates I instantly dislike are Saxon, the big crazy doofus with the stupid tattoos (ie. "Roswell") who reminds me a bit of Crabbe/Goyle; Brigitte, the stupid peroxide blonde; Bianca, the bitch who thinks that being well-endowed in the chestal region makes her desirable; and bringing up the rear is Travis, who, DAMN. You know how sometimes you just feel like acting really immature, taking off your clothes and not giving a shit what others think about you? And how you manage to stop yourself, because doing that would make you a douche in the eyes of others? Well, Travis lacks that impulse control -- and no, it is not endearing whatsoever, so you can put that back in your word-hole. Shut up, Travis. You cocksucker.

The housemate I'm looking forward to hearing from in the Uncut/Big Mouth/Whatever show is Rory, the brickie with the dreads. He just looks like he has lots of filthy, depraved, possibly chauvinistic shit to talk about, which I may giggle heartily at. A bit of a tool, but whatever.

Ben is cute.

Rima's story about her condition had me a little confused. She says that she and her brother are the only little people in the world who don't actually have a condition, but are simply... little. As opposed to all the other little people. Her husband is HUGE, which, as I said in the previous comment thread, leaves open the door to a plethora of fellatio jokes.


Did anyone else notice that her pants were... not pants, but actually just random strips of fabric down her legs?

Oh yeah, and there were some other housemates as well, blah blah.

I wonder who will be the unlucky housemate to be kicked out in the tragic first eviction, and how will the housemates go about it? (Big Brother, you're so cruel, don't ever change. PS, your voice is different this year.)

BB, Loser, Neighbours.

It's my birfday, yaaaay!

Big Brother: Something very weird happened the other day. After seeing the promo for the third housemate, Travis, I struggled to think of who his voice reminded me of. I finished work, went for a stroll down the Mall, made a beeline for the bookstores and the fancy men's stores that are overpriced and make me feel a bit inadequate. Then I saw a familiar woman wrangling her kids, and I heard her voice, and it hit me. Travis sounds exactly like the woman who taught my Economics class for three weeks in year twelve. And suddenly, in my microcosm of a world, there is a competitor for the world's most noxiously irritating voice. It'll probably be the case that he'll become beloved in the house in an ironic way (aw, Travis the jockey with the high voice!), but Travis is THAT offensive to my senses (sight and sound) that I'm not even going to give him the chance to be ironically likeable.

Oh, and he's a virgin. *Stifled laughter*.

The Biggest Loser: I always seem to get enthusiastic about Loser right at the very end. I just don't have the patience to follow the progress of each contestant or pretend to be excited about the million-and-one shock twists, and - I can't get around this point - without Bob and Gillian it just isn't the same.

Anyway, like clockwork I've gotten into this season, right at the end. My favourites this season are Alison and Sam. Alison I like because she's kind of pretty in the face, and I love the way she speaks. She strikes me as being really level-headed and universally likeable; she's soft and squidgy (both in appearance and personality) but she's also very strong and people respect her. I can't really describe it much better than that. I was just about in tears when Alison was reading aloud the letter her husband had sent to her. Awwww. Sam I like because he's not overly douche-ey like a lot of the other guys are. I think maybe it's because he's so young, but I've noticed that he hasn't really displayed that tedious alpha-male complex like so many other guys have in the past. That gets might-y boring.

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours: I watched Neighbours the other night, for the first time in several months. Actually, it's been years since I've watched it raptly week after week, but I do catch bits and pieces of it, and I know who most of the characters are. Mostly. But yeah, the Friday episode was so annoying. First, can we talk about Zeke? Zeke is such a tool. The actor who portrays said character is, if humanly possible, even tooly-er. When he delivers his lines you can just see him trying so, SO hard to get it right. When he's not speaking or doing anything, his reactions to the lines of others are always really over-acted and reminiscent of that bitch in your year eleven drama class who thought she was all that, only she wasn't.


But the thing that really sent me over the edge was Ringo and Bridget's (above) "relationship". Now, it's always been clear to me that Bridget is a lesbian. Nobody walks into a hairdresser's and asks for the Missy Higgins 'do without having a propensity for other ladies' 'gineys. And she's a bit of a dumbarse as well, in that vague way that I can't seem to articulate, but you know what I mean. I couldn't have been happier when Susan ran her over in her car. If I were the judge presiding over that case, I would have given Jackie Woodburne a medal, because in my mind, Jackie Woodburne and Susan are the same person. Actually, speaking of whom, I figured out that the voice over in the ads for some suicide hotline is none other than Jackie Woodburne, how's that for random trivia?!

Watching Friday's episode firmly cemented my belief that the writers clearly have no clue about their own characters. Ringo, I have decided, is such a latent poof. I'm not just saying that because I think he's hot and I subconsciously want his character to be gay because it'll bring me that one step further to having him on top of me, because I don't really think he's that hot anyway. He reminds me of Justin from Queer as Folk, that elfin-faced blonde faggot who I hate so much. I'd like to smash that kid. I mean, he just looks gay, which is often the best indicator, but he also wears heaps of tight singlets, is a gym junkie, is dating a lesbian [mutual covering-up of own homosexuality - Freud], and - to close the books entirely on this thorough-as-arse investigation - Ringo has an eating disorder. Mind you, if I ever had to go down on Bridget I would consider it an eating disorder, cue sitcom-esque laughter.

The big revelation to his friends and family about his eating disorder couldn't have been a more obvious allusion to his homosexuality, incidentally. It seemed like the kind of coming-out moment that only the Neighbours writers could manage to come up with, mixing the total obvious with a lame, cliched delivery. They even had a bit where all the shocked loved ones gathered around him to feign a supportive attitude. Why is this show so stupid?



Wow, it's a good thing I have a life and not writing lengthy screeds on Channel Ten's Friday night television line-up, yeah?

So You Think - SMS RHYS TO 191010 - You Can - SMS RHYS TO 191010 - Dance? Final Four? Yeah?

Wow. That was a scare. I just popped my SYTYCD tape in and pressed play and an episode of Ramsays Kitchen Nightmares – the UK Version, at least – started up. Oh noes? After this many weeks of faithful recording and recapping, have I finally fucked it all up? Is this going to be my first full from-memory recap?

Er. No. Patience is apparently my friend, and ten minutes into the tape here are Jack! And Demi! Kate! And Rhys (in an outfit I would find appalling on anyone else … all fluro and purple tights and like the 80’s threw up on themselves)! And it’s top four night. The grand final! But not the grand finale …

Jason is excited, because he’s got a brown velvet version of Matt’s hat – to which Matt says ‘Meh’ because he’s a totally l337 haXXor who knows what all the kids are saying these days. Bonnie is back from her all-too short trip, and thankful of Vanessa and Graeme. Er, who? Oh, and apparently, she’s discovered the final four can all …. DANCE!* Please, producers, shoot her before the next season. No, forget that - shoot her now. I don’t have the patience for witticisms tonight. I just want Bonnie gone.


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So there are no packages tonight which I think is awesome, but apparently is generally upsetting, according to the many SYTYCD fora I waste my days on. So, because I’m lovely, I’m going to insert a package here. Those on Team No Packages can skip it. Those on Team Packages can just scroll back up before each dance and drop in the genre.

Girl picks random boy out of hat. Sqeals of false surprise. Boy then draws style out of hat. Most likely hip hop. More squeals. One partner: Oh, I’ve been hanging out to do ____ all season [Chesty: You danced it last week, dufus!]! Other partner: _____? What’s _____? [Chesty: You danced it last week, dufus! It’s your specialty!] This is so scary. Boy and Girl meet choreographer. Girl: I love Choreographer - (s)he’s so awesome and amazing. Choreographer: Ok, so today we’re doing _____, but we’re going to mix it up a bit, with some hip-hop! A kind of spicy, sexy, modern _____! Footage of rehearsal (including lifts). Boy: These lifts are so hard! I hope I don’t drop her! Girl: So we did this one lift, and he totally dropped me! This is so hard! Choreograher: They’re going to have to forget everything they know about _____ - this is going to be something Australia has never seen before. I’m a bit worried that Boy is going to drop Girl on her face. But I’m sure they’ll be fine. Girl laughs nervously: If I don’t end up with a broken neck, this is going to be fine! Cue audience cheer and back to Nat.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And first up are Jack and Demi, doing a Jason Gilkinson Cha Cha. It’s ok – very fun, so there’s lots of cheering and stuff, as well as an obligatory Finale Play To The Judges. I don’t really need to tell you that Jack outdances Demi, do I?

Matt says wow wow wow and that Demi can wear heels now. Look kids, I can wear heels too. They hurt and they suck and I hate them. But I can wear them. And sometimes I can look fabulous in them. Can I have $200,000 and a trip to the US now? Bonnie goes on about how Demi is Woman and can achieve anything**. Jason is all about the joy and then is all ‘now, time for notes’ before some pimping of Jack and Demi – who, er, eats it up with her face, because Jason is he constructive judge, yeah?

After the break – namely, meeting the charming Pauline Hanson fan that we’re going to vote out of the Big Brother house in two weeks, and that kinda fun Boost ad with the people in squirrel outfits which I like despite it being kinda lame, because I, too, want the funk (and nutty, nutty chocolate bars ...) – it’s time for Rhys and Kate.

This is a hip-hop routine by Supple, and it’s kind of … miss. Which is very hard for me to say, but unfortunately it’s one of those routines that is all about the unison, and the unison is just a little bit off. Not, mind you, as off as it was last week in Jack & Demi’s ‘This routine is all about the unison’ routine – which if you’ll remember, barely got mentioned by the judges, blinded as they were by their amazement that Demi was wearing shoes.

On the bright side, the costumes are cute – as has been established many times this season, Rhys does incredible things to tight black pants and knee-high boots.

Matt says he thought it was great but there were unsion issues in the second half, and other than that there were unison issues. Oookay. Bonnie said it was intricate. Jason compliments Supple and goes into yet another one of his ‘I’m a dance wanker and you, viewer of our here dance show, are a total n00b’ speeches about how we non-dancers at home have to understand that he knows everything and we know nothing and in a way what he’s saying is one of those backhanded compliments I never know how to take (maybe because I’m a non-dancer): That was harder than it looked, so be kind to the losers who fucked up the unison.

Hey, I love those losers. They’re my favourite losers on the show!

After the break it’s time for Demi and Rhys to do contemporary. Finally Rhys gets something in his own style. About time, stupid show. And of course he’s awesome – but because he’s not being pimped to win this, we miss most of the awesome due to the tragic ineptitude of the camera crews.

Matt says they’ve had a big week and Demi tried really hard. Aw. Still with the Demi tries hard. Matt says Rhys’s ‘jump to second’ was awesome, and we get a clip of it – which is nice because it got cut out of the actual performance in favour of a shot of Demi trying. Bonnie thinks that it’s amazing that Demi can dance in any sort of footwear. Or none at all, Rhys points out. She tries to be amused, but just … isn’t. Aw. Rhys made fun of Bonnie. Just another reason he HAS to win this.

Jason says Rhys has been waiting and good things come to those who waits, and that Demi owned it and has hot legs and a hot arse. Rhys jokes like the compliment is for him and it’s all very funny funny ha ha forced because of all the people involved in this little exchange only one actually has a personality.

No, guess which one!

Then it’s time for Jack and Kate to do jazz, which is really just contemporary in disguise. He’s a solider and she’s his lady with a peace-sign on a flag. I read somewhere before the show that this was the routine of the night, which might explain why I’m underwhelmed. It was good, but … in the words of Matt the hat-wearer, meh.

Matt the hat wearer says it was great and they had a great connection. Bonnie attempts yet another pun about the name of the song and the dancers and something and there’s a bit of polite clapping from the crowd because it’s just embarrassing, y’all – she’s so useless. Jason attempts his own season-long shtick: you know, the serious face as though he’s going to tell them it’s shit but then it turns out he thinks it’s fabulous and everyone cheers.

I never thought I would say this, but I’m so glad this season is nearly over. I'm becoming way too cynical and jaded. Also, I want to recap 
The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious and I'm too busy to be doing both. 

And then it’s time for Demi and Kate to dance – they do a Charlie Chaplain and Copper routine. I think it’s another Supple routine … but it’s not very good so who knows. That said, It’s kinda funny making the best female dancer do a routine with one of the weakest. Just in case anyone had any doubts …

Matt says that he would have liked to have seen them dance as girls, and I see what he means. It’s the GIRLS DANCE. And they’re dressed as boys. Stupid. Bonnie says that it’s amazing they’ve gone from tin soldiers to cha cha to barefoot to blah blah blah. Jason says the routine was cute but doesn’t give him anything to do at this stage of the competition – in that he can’t judge them against each other.

Which is dumb. Because, um, Kate cleaned the floor with Demi. And then dusted the furniture. And also because it’s final four, which means it’s no longer girls v girls and boys v boys, so really, he should have has been like ‘Demi, Jack is waaay better than you!’ and ‘Rhys, it’s like you were the only person on the stage your partner was so far behind!’ And also also, as someone else pointed out when we were discussing this the other day, it’s not about Australia’s best dancer, it’s about Australia’s favourite dancer, so Jason, shut up, yeah?

And then we have the real highlight of the evening. Jack and Rhys is a musical theatre number so camp that it, apparently, gave Jacob AIDS. It’s freaking awesome and I love them both. But mostly Rhys, because he does the best cheesy musical theatre face and because, well, he’s awesome.

Matt says it showed how strong they both were in that genre. I think that maybe, like me, Matt would have loved this routine even more if it had ended with a big old man-pash. Bonnie says the comraderie was awesome and they do a big cuddle for the camera and I get confused. Is this SYTYCD or the social pages of the Sydney Star Observer? So much awesome gay.

Jason loved the Cossack runs. We all loved the Cossack runs. He says Rhys is very safe on the core of his centre or something and that Jack has more flow in his hips and shoulders, so he came out (and a million teenage girls who had plans to become Mrs Jack begin to weep, silent devastated tears while the rest of us exclaim that we knew that) on top (Oh FFS, it’s family hour … must we go there?) – and I direct you all to that whole thing three paragraphs up.

Ie. Jason, shut up, yeah?

After the break, it’s time for the group routine. Which is Latino Hip-Hop (because there hasn’t been enough hip-hop tonight …). Um, no. Of course they’re not trying to make Demi look good by making this final group dance evah in her style. Or, if they are, they needn’t have bothered. She spends most of it three or four moves behind everyone else.

And after all that last-minute pimping of Jack and Demi, it’s time for us to vote. The bad news is that the voting lines are staying open until 8.10 next Sunday night. That’s 40 minutes of Grand finale which you all know is just going to be a big old Jack-fest and pretty much ensures that it’s going to be a long, long filler-filled night of mostly crud – given that it’s been revealed that there will be no Rhys/Jemma routines performed at all (I could shout conspiracy theory from the rooftops, but I’m sure it’s perfectly fair … surely Jack won’t be dancing with Demi at any point, either? Right? In the interests of fairness and all?) - with a result at about, oh, five past ten? If we’re lucky and we don’t have a Big Brother-style ‘voting meltdown’?

And we’ll all be glued to our screens the entire time, sad Reality TV addicts that we are …

Don’t forget: RHYS to 191010. As many times as you can afford.

Because I said so. Yeah?

*Except Demi. Let’s be honest here people.
** Except winning. Let’s be honest here.

Big Brother ensnares me with its neon claws, yet again.

The first two housemates to be revealed have both annoyed me, for similar reasons.



Terri (you make me very merry...), who is the one with the curious affinity with Pauline Hanson, and who blames immigrants for a lot of Australia's problems, annoys me because her supposedly non-PC views are clearly just a regurgitation of what she thinks constitutes anti-establishment non-PC rhetoric. I'm not really that offended by her views at all, more by her shallowness and transparency. She seems like the kind of woman who would bitch and moan about immigrants (or gays or Jews or any minority group under the sun), but if she were in a room full of people who disagreed with her for long enough she'd cave in fairly quickly.

Second cab off the rank is:



Dixie, who I have christened Dixie Shits, (and no, it's not because she's brown, I'm not a racist!) annoys me because she's of the "I'm LOUD and OBNOXIOUS and INYERFACE" persuasion. Being slightly tubby and Aboriginal doesn't cover for the fact that her type of BB housemate has been seen again and again -- and again and again and again.

Same show, new housemates? I don't (necessarily) think so.

Don't Go Thinking ...

I'm a hideous bundle of excitement about the fact that the first post-strike episode of Gossip Girl - The Blair Bitch Project (I know, even the episode titles are so amazingly wonderful) - aired just a few hours ago in the states, and come ... sometime tomorrow morning ... probably very early because I will to too excited to sleep ... I will be watching it and the world will be all flowers and sunshine and sweetness and light and yayness.

Or, more likely, bitchiness. Glorious bitchiness. With a side of cattiness and maybe some hair-pulling.

Of course, sometime tomorrow morning I *should* be writing the SYTYCD recap. So it may be a little late. But I promise it will be up by Thursday am. In the meantime, I hope you're all SMSing RHYS to 19 10 10, like good little Square Eyes. And don't let me hear any of this 'But I like Jack better' nonsense. It's not about who you like. It's about doing what's right for, well, me. K?

So You Think The Voting Public Will Finally Throw Us a Curveball? Top Six and Results

The first search for Australia’s favourite dancer has been a rather even affair to this point. Sure, maybe no-one could have predicted that the top six would be Kate, Vanessa, Demi, Jack, Rhys and Graeme, but when you think about it, there haven’t really been any surprises.

Sure, Demi and Vanessa are both deeply, deeply flawed as dancers, but who would we have in their places? Courtney? Kassie? Stephanie? Laura? Camilla? Jemma? Rhiannon? You see my point? It’s a bit different with the boys – you could very easily substitute Hilton or Marko for Graeme and not come out with a weaker top six – but everyone knows the only real competition on this show is between a certain delightful funk/hip-hop dancer named Jack and the campiest, sweetest, loveliest Jazz dancer to have ever worn a brown hairy jumper, Rhys. Everyone else is just window dressing.

What this show has really needed, all along, is an upset. A Benji Mac v Matt Corby in the bottom two moment, if you will. Don’t get me wrong – I love that for the first time ever, after seven seasons of Big Brother and five of Australian Idol, I’m occasionally correctly predicting the vote. I love that for the most part, the vote has gone my way. But at the same time, I keep waiting for that upset. Expecting it.

Which probably explains the knot in my stomach as the top six dancers get introduced tonight. If there’s going to be an upset – and there’s always an upset – it’s now or never.

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Thankfully, Jason’s wearing another spew-covered shirt to snap me out of my thoughtfulness just in time for him to confess that the audience is peaking. Huh. I thought all that shrieking was a bit unnatural, but who’d have thought they’d be plying them with drugs? They’re just kids, goddamit!

First up tonight is Kate – clearly the best female dancer left – who relieves some of my butterflies by picking Rhys, then Rumba, then Jason Gilkinson as choreographer.

I’m not sure what to say besides it’s freaking awesome. I confess to being slightly distracted by the perfect roundness of Rhys’s butt in tight black pants, but that aside there’s lots of glorious lifts, lots of angsty, sexy posing and lots and lots of … just pretty. Aw.

Matt totally bought it. Jason – because tonight, for the first time all season, we’re mixing it up a bit with the judges comments; it makes no sense to me but whatever – is generally into it but, of course, has to find a criticism. It’s his job, so I’m ok with it … Bonnie said they danced. Right the way through. From beginning to end.

Um. Yeah. They did. Funny that.

After the break – and it grates less tonight, with only five routines, that there’s a break after everything – Demi and Jack are reunited for her fourth contemporary routine in a row.

I really want to say this show is rigged. But … I can’t. They LOVE Demi. If they were rigging it for her, she’s be getting the hip hops instead of Rhys.

Aaaanyway, in their package, the choreographer talks all about the unison and how much it matters in this routine, and Demi hurts her ankle, but is ok with it because this is what we do, as a dancer. We go through pain to get sympathy votes. Der.

And, you know, if it wasn’t for all the talk about unison in the package, the fact that they don’t find it once throughout the whole routine would not be nearly so annoying. Jack does well, and Demi … does ok, I suppose. But they’re just so shockingly off the entire time that I can’t help but think the whole thing is pretty average.

Bonnie says it’s clever but hard, because they had to be machines with emotions, and that Demi is a good dancer because she iced her hurt ankle. She also says the executed it brilliantly – which is a lie. Jason tells Demi he loves her a few times, which makes me think he’s going to nail them on the unison, but instead he talks about owenership and how Demi does so well in this genre which isn’t hers – which, remember last week when Henry did ok but not great in a genre that wasn’t his own, and Jason said that at this point in the competition being out of your genre wasn’t anything to write home about (unless you’re Graeme … in which case it’s a freaking miracle), is different, because they weren’t pimping Henry like they’re pimping Demi – and that Jack is the versatility king.

And not a word about the unison. Jason Coleman, you’re dead to me.

Matt says it was so strong but there was a little bit of a little bit of a unison issue, but puts it down to not enough rehearsal (because, you know, Jack and Demi had less time to rehearse than all the other couples who managed to get their unison down … say it with me, Square Eyes: Stupid Show!)

After the break and a reminder of the relatively lame prizes – Vanessa draws Graeme (duh!) and they get Broadway, which means Graeme is vaguely out of his genre but yet to do a partner hip-hop (unless you count that hideous non-hip-hop lyrical thing from Top 20 week) or Ballroom. Or … really anything that isn’t pretty much Jazzy.

It’s slapstick, which Vanessa thinks is a lip gloss –

OK. Fucking hell. Enough. I’m done. First these so-called dancers haven’t ever heard of any dance style besides their own. Then a so-called Jazz Specialist doesn’t know what Jazz is and thinks it’s all top hats and spirit fingers. And now a freaking grown woman has never heard of slapstick, and we’re supposed to find it cute?

Listen up: DUMB is not cute. Ignorance is not cute. And I’m going to bet that these people are not this dumb. No-one is this dumb. Or this ignorant. Why do reality TV producers insist on showing us, in a cutesy-poo way, how dumb these contestants are? It’s ridiculous, it’s annoying and I, for one, am sick of it.

- Aaaaanyway. Yeah. Slapstick (not Chapstick) with Graeme and Vanessa. It’s cute, I guess. What I saw of it in between fits of blind, ranting rage.

Jason thinks it needs more staccato – which apparently means short and sharp and to my surprise, none of the contestants giggle that they thought staccato was a flavour of ice-cream. Matt … um. Yeah. Said stuff. Bonnie decides she’s going to call Vanessa ‘Versatile Vanessa’ from now on, because obviously she didn’t actually watch her woeful attempts at hip-hop last week.

After the break we have a surprise. Which means more dancing! All girl dancing! And then all boy dancing!

Curiously (um, given Demi is a B-girl and Jack is a funk/hip-hop specialist – apparently) each gender gets a hip-hop routine. Even more curiously, the girls get the utter mediocrity of Nacho Pop, while the boys are choreographed by Supple. As if that’s fair.

So, the girls are first, and we open on a close-up of Vanessa lowering her sunglasses to give us sexy-face. Unfortunately, it seems that she’s been asked to give her sexy face right into a spotlight, so she just looks squinty.

As for the rest of it …… snooze. With a side of pointless and mostly very unsexy writhing to the soulful tunes of Tupac.

Matt says Vanessa didn’t do so well. Bonnie says it was awesome that the three girls danced together! Oh my god! I know. I thought it was incredible too … except, again, no. Not really. Jason disagrees and says that he didn’t see three girls dancing together at all. Oh, buuuuuurn, Bonnie. And Vanessa, who is the main person who wasn’t dancing right.

He’s still dead to me, but buuuuuuuurn.

And finally for tonight, it’s the boys turn. They’re all going to be animals. It’s super-duper cute. Rhys is a fish and Jack is a meerkat – I KNOW, perfect, right? – and Graeme is a … reptile?

In short, Supple is a god. Who, incidentally, is going to be fathering all my little dancing babies – by artificial insemination, of course. Ew. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Matt echoes my sentiments about supple. Bonnie has individual things she loved about each of them. Except she forgets Graeme. Poor Graeme. Jason thought it was brilliant, but is a bit annoyed that there were no unison bits that he could criticize Rhys and Graeme during.

And that’s the top six performance show. And it’s only 8.30.

Who’d a thunk?

Luckily, I tape these things so I can watch them right after each other, so … it’s results time. And my stomach is seriously twisted. I’ve voted three times: once for Kate, twice for Rhys, and I’m so nervous that MrL has to leave the room. It’s not even the finale, and this is just a freaking TV show, and yet I think I’m going to throw up.

Which is awesome, because tonight there’s going to be a lot of filler before we even start on the results. Great, more time for me to get panicky and prepared for the big upset.

Luckily, the group dance is pretty damn hot. I think Jason Gilkinson watched that whole Burlesque mess last week and decided we needed to see it done properly. It’s sexy, it’s saucy, it’s a whole bunch of other s-words, but more than anything it’s dramatic and big and brassy and bold. And just a little bit cheeky.

And in honour of all the sexy, Natalie Bassingthwaite has decided to wear a nightie.

Jason Gilkinson is, incidentally, being Bonnie tonight, because Bonnie has gone far far away (quick … let’s bitch about her!). This is a) awesome, because he’s – you know – articulate and intelligent and has probably heard of slapstick, b) useless, because it’s a Monday night where the judges don’t do anything and c) frustrating, because there are now two Jasons.

And therefore, Jason Coleman will henceforth be known as JC. No relation to Jesus, which I’m sure he’ll be disappointed to hear.

The other Jason will just be Jason.

Right, now that’s sorted, it’s time for a Very Special Performance by The Littlest Dancer In the World and A Huge Man In A Nudie Leotard. They’re from Cirque Du Soleil, so this is basically advertising (if I told you that Optus was heavily involved with both Cirque Du Soleil and SYTYCD … would you really be surprised?) but it’s still quite impressive to watch with lots of tumbling and unlikely balancing and stuff that is like what Anthony used to do but about fifteen times better. I must say though that the Huge Man’s leotard is slightly distracting. He’s reminding me of a demon of some sort, especially because he’s got these big white feet poking out from the bottom of the leotard and it’s all kind of absurd.

But still, nice tumbling.

And then it’s time for more filler! Tonight every single dancer will get to dance a solo. Joy of all joys! Kate is first and she goes down the angsty contemporary path. I love her but I find the angsty contemporary kind of lame as a solo.

Vanessa decides that originality is for suckers and does something from the Lion King. And you know what? I hate it. I'm sure it's not the popular opinion but I think it sucks. And she just looks stupid in a leopard skin leotard. It’s all just so awkward – although perhaps not as awkward as Demi’s bright yellow pyjama shorts. Or her solo.

How did those two get this far again? Oh, yeah: Courtney, Kassie, Stephanie, Laura, Camilla, Jemma and Rhiannon. If in doubt, consider the competition.

Then we need a break, because three 30-second solos is all that will fit in one segment. Stupid show. On the bright side, all these ad breaks make this a really quick show to watch with a fast forward button.

I actually quite enjoy Jack’s solo, even though he choses that music from the Bonds Kaleidoscope ads and he’s not nearly as pretty as all those girls in bright underpants. Graeme, on the other hand, does the same as Kate and goes for the angsty contemporary. He’s no Danny, but he dedicates it to his mum. Awww. Did no-one tell him the lines have closed already?

Rhys is last and as much as I love him with my whole big faghaggy heart – I’m glad he hasn’t had to do many of these kinds of solos in the competition. They’re kind of … weird. And not really awesomely so.

After all that, it’s time for …. More filler!! This time in the form of on Sean Kingston. Who? I hear you ask. It’s a valid question. One I can’t answer because - oops. My finger fell on the fast forward button.

And then it’s time for another break, of course, and then – finally, finally, finally – it’s time for some actual results. The girls are first and I’m so nervous I could puke. Or maybe that was just Sean Kingston.

There’s a lengthy process of going through each of the girls performances and comments and recaps and blah blah blah and then they announce the first safe girl is … wait for it … Kate!!!

And really, it’s a small victory for the underdog. A real one, not a manufactured, Demi-like fairy tale. Kate’s the girl who didn’t even make it on screen through the auditions or the top 100 week. Her first partner was completely untrained and half a foot shorter than her. Her second was more popular, but she dragged him into the bottom three and he got booted. We all thought she was filler. The producers treated her like filler. And yet, because she, you know, actually can dance, here she is. She’s in the grand final. She’s stoked. I’m stoked. Australia is stoked. Bonnie … maybe not so stoked, wherever she is, but that just makes it all the more awesome.

After yet another break, we repeat the same process for the boys and I’m totally expecting that damn upset but thankfully it’s not to be – yet – and we can all exhale for the first time all night as Rhys is the first boy through to the final four. I may or may not have squeed – you’ll never know.

So now Kate and Rhys are off squealing in the corner and I love them and I want them to make little dancing babies for me to adopt and raise as my own, because, really – Supple may be awesome by Rhys and Kate are much, much prettier. And sure, there’s a small risk that the babies end up without top lips … well, that’s what collagen is for. Obvs.

If it makes it easier, they can still do the artificial insemination thing.

Sorry, back to the show, and it’s time to find out who else made it through – and therefore, who’s going home. Surprising no-one in the LaRue household, Demi makes it into the finals and Vanessa gets to do the ‘stand of shame’ as everyone is hugging Demi. She does a good job of not looking disappointed, but you know she is. No big loss, I say – maybe she can go out now and learn what slapstick is.

And Demi, by default, really, when you consider Courtney, Kassie, Stephanie, Laura, Camilla, Jemma, Rhiannon and Vanessa, makes it into the final.

And now it’s time for judges comments and I’d tell you what they said but it was all so freaking pointless. Why waste a good judge like Jason Gilkinson on tonights show? Surely a blow-up doll would have done, given the judges have said exactly five words between them all night?

And then it’s the boys turn. Final chance for an upset – but it’s not to be and Jack makes it through. Just like we all knew he would weeks and weeks and weeks ago.

Graeme, on the other hand, is going home. He looks devastated, and so we cut straight to the package so they can drug him up so he doesn’t cry. Looking back at his experience – I refuse to use the J word – I’m thinking shaving off the bad teenage mustache was the best thing Graeme ever did.

When we cut back, Graeme is still holding back tears, and the judges are still talking crap. JC tells us that he doesn’t know what the votes were, but he’s sure they were very close, which is probably the most ridiculous thing he has ever said. I can tell you how close it was. This close:

*stretches arms out* Jack and Rhys v Graeme? Are you for reals?

Graeme then gives us the longest departure speech yet, which starts with the thanking of God for giving him gifts and putting him here … because as any theologist will tell you – if there is a God, he spends his days creating actors and singers and dancers and putting them on earth so they can go on reality TV shows. Of course.

And that’s pretty much it. No surprises. No shocks. No Benji Mac moments. A top four that anyone could have predicted a month ago, and the same old two-horse race for the grand prize. All that stands between us and the result is one more night of dancing (and one more night of filler … and maybe some dancing) – our SYTYCD experience is nearly over. Are you sad? I'm sad. I'm going to miss this gig.

No don’t forget kids, when the voting lines open at the end of next weeks show, it’s RHYS to 191010. As many times as you can afford. And then a few. God put you on this earth and made you read this recap so you, too, could vote for Rhys.

It’s density. Just don’t forget.

See you next week!

Squarely arsed readers...

... how good are the promos for Big Brother? I can't get that "I Don't Think So" song out of my head -- not that I'd want to, since it always gives me a little frisson of excitement over the upcoming series. My god. What's happening to me? I'm actually excited about the start of Big Brother for the first time since, like, 2004. The particular ad featuring John Howard giving a radio interview, saying 'get this stupid program off the air' hits exactly the note that the BB producers should be aiming for. I'm naturally sceptical of the planned panel show element of the 2008 series, as it had proved horrendously bad television in the past, but with the promise of an Uncut revival I'm happy to go along with it. Well done, Ten. For once I'm optimistic about your programming schedule.

Continuing my unseemly positive tone, I just would like to say that Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares makes for pretty good viewing. I normally despise cooking shows, which is what I thought this show essentially is, but I found that it was more in the vein of Trinny and Susannah than Jamie Oliver. Except, obviously, for poorly managed restaurants instead of fashion.

Last Thursday's episode featured some former theatre actor who decided to pour all his life savings into a posh restaurant specialising in seafood, situated just several hundred feet from the shore at Brighton. It should be added here that the restaurateur hadn't actually tasted seafood in thirty years, and that the produce his chefs were cooking wasn't actually taken from anywhere near the coast at Brighton. In comes Gordon Ramsay like a tornado of fucks and shits and other delightful words, giving him and his lazy staff a right bollocking. Of the two chefs, an Australian and a Frenchman, neither is sure which is meant to be the Head Chef. Nor do either of them have much of a clue how to cook, and at one point we have Gordon Ramsay throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of crayfish because it had been cooked all wrong.

The attitudes of the staff are pretty funny. They take advantage of the poor restaurant manager, who doesn't seem to realise that everything about his venture is sloppy and pretentious. Like, for example, the decor, which features pieces from a little known local artist. The main centrepiece is a splotchy piece of crap that probably wouldn't have gone up on the fridge if I had brought it home from kindy back in the day, complete with a pair of women's knickers encrusted into the paint. Women's knickers. Encrusted into the paint. You really do feel for the guy, though, in spite of the horrendous decor. Gordon takes him aside to discuss how much money he's losing from the restaurant, and in the torrent of tears that follows I couldn't help but get a bit weepy myself.

Anyway, I shan't be going into it more than that, but I was gently surprised by the show. Shamefully, the only thing I'd heard about it was from this post by Chesty. Oh, and the kerfuffle that arose when some Liberal arsehat wanted it banned because of Gordon's swearing, as if makes any sense at all to watch an entire television show despite not liking it very much and then proceed to use it as political leverage. Um, get a life, pls kthxbai.

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares airs on Channel Nine at 8.30pm on Thursday nights.

Robin Hood

So “inspired” by my mother in law, which is another way of saying,

“Abandoned by my mother in law who raced to the television like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory had come true and you really could pick up a block of chocolate from the screen”

And in the absence of anything else interesting to do, I decided to watch Robin Hood. Honestly, the teeve options aren’t exactly setting my world on fire on a Sunday night and there isn’t even any learning to be done anymore. Plus my MiL’s house only has one television so it wasn’t like I could sneak off and watch So You Think You Can Dance, even if I wanted to.

Anyway, so back to Robin Hood. Being an argumentative sort, I started a stupid argument with my MiL’s partner over whether or not they would end the story with historical accuracy (namely that Robin Hood bleeds to death after being betrayed by a nun). Of course MilP thinks that Robin Hood and Maid Marian run off and have ten children while tra-la-la-ing around the forest and making floral tiaras in their spare time. Yeah sure, and Prince John is a Mountain Lion, and best friends with a snake.

One of the things that bothers me about it is the "futuristic medieval" genre. My sister and I have had a running stoush with one of her friends about the term "futuristic medieval", which was applied in the original melee to the Star Wars movies. Of course, it isn't possible for Star Wars to be "futuristic medieval", as medieval necessarily applies to the middle ages, where Star Wars is ancient history. Robin Hood, on the other hand, is set in medieval times and is frankly borrowing heavily from the 21st century cultural experience, leading it to be a more accurate incarnation of the term, "futuristic medieval". Of course, if I use that term ever again I'm going to have to blind myself with a laser pointer. Or, you know, an arrow. Whatevs.

So I’ve watched three episodes now, which I think is enough to have formed an opinion. Although it’s possible I did miss large chunks of it when I watched it in the privacy of my own home, busy as I was sputtering about the “Merry Men as Melting Pot” motif and making myself cups of tea.

Things I like about it:

1. Occasional piece of fashion excellence in Maid Marian’s wardrobe
2. Web site includes listing of each character’s weaponry. I would not be surprised to learn that they had some kind of WoW dude design it*
3. Allan-a-dale and Will Scarlett. Actually, to be totally honest I can’t figure out if I like them so much as tolerate them
4. It’s not often you see blokes with (literal) feathers in their hats on television these days


Things I despise about it:

1. Robin’s hair (facial and otherwise)**
2. Sheriff is not “so evil he’s funny – he’s hilarious, he’s so great, can you ever imagine seeing him in anything else I wouldn’t be able to take him seriously I’d always think he’s the sheriff tee hee hee”
3. Cutaways between scenes remind me a little bit too much of ‘It’s a Knockout’
4. Robin’s inability to pick up his clothes (is it necessary to discard a cape in the street in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)
5. Can’t hear soundtrack without wishing I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean (but only the first one)
6. Breaks in action at completely inexplicable times: if you’re searching the forest for the Sheriff of Nottingham, without whom the town of Nottingham will be razed to the ground, you’d take the time to ruminate on your impending (but oh-so-secret) nuptials with your chums?
7. ‘Dude, WTF’ moments so frequent as to induce whiplash
8. 21st century social/cultural updates simultaneously necessary/nauseating

No doubt other people like this show*** (although it’s distinctly possible none of them read this blog). I can suspend my disbelief. But I just don’t care enough about any of these characters to bother.


Robin Hood screens on what we now know as ABC 1, at 7:30pm on Sundays


* I am now pretty much guaranteed to bear the wrath not only of Robin Hood fans, but also WoW fans.

** Keep yourselves nice, you know what I mean.

*** Actonb's girls, for example.

So You Think You Can Pick The Top Six? Top Eight Night And Results

It’s top eight night – which means the end is getting closer and closer to the end and closer and closer to a new season of Big Brother. Sigh.

Nat is doing a Single White Female thing on Delta Goodrem this week, with long blonde hair and a vaguely Virgin Mary dress. Natalie, Natalie, Natalie … Brian McFadden is not that hot.

So the judges have some comments to start us off with, but most of them really aren’t very interesting. Jason points out that the winner of this competition will be wearing Green and Gold and representing Australia and so we should all vote for the most truly top Aussie Bloke or Sheila out there and do our country proud. Except that dancing is so Unaustralian I don’t think we have any Blokes or Sheilas left.

And then we’re into it.

read the rest

This week the boys are picking girls, and Rhys is first up and he gets Vanessa. Sigh. Sure, it will be pretty, but unless they get ‘Ballet’, it’s just going to suck. And what do you know, they don’t. They get hip-hop and broadway.

Hip-hop is first and thankfully it’s another Supple routine. Old school this time. In their package Supple is trying to get Vanessa to lose her manners. As the routine starts it’s pretty clear that he failed miserably. Can someone tell this girl that cheesy smile face has no place in the world of hip-hop?

This is Rhys’s third (fourth if you count the self-choreographed thingamy) hip-hop routine in this competition, so he’s got that whole Eminem skinny-white-boy thing down pat. It’s not his best work, I’ll admit, but it’s far from the worst routine of the night.

Matt is talking really really really fast about old school hip hip and isolations, but overall he liked it. Bonnie – god, do I have to tell you what Bonnie said? It’s so … pointless and lame. She’s very nice, but … pointless and lame. Jason is all about the unison and the beat and kicking the beat. He points out that Vanessa has done awesome considering this isn’t her genre, but that now that we’re up to top eight, there will be no more of this ‘good considering it’s not your genre’ and so it actually wasn’t that good. But that Rhys was tops.

After the break, and tonight there will be a break after every routine, just to ease us into the commercial break hell that will be tomorrow nights verdict show – it’s Jacks turn to dance with Kate, which means he’ll either be awesome or get sent home. They get Quickstep – tonight’s token ballroom effort – and hip-hop.

Their quickstep is to the Buble version of the Spiderman theme. I don’t know how quicksteppy it is but they look awesome and it’s lots of fun and kicking and I do kind of love it lots and lots, even though I can’t get ‘Spiderpig’ out of my head for the entire routine.

Predictably, the judges love it, and love how it brought quickstep into the modern day. Jaosn goes as far as to say he ached for it, which … brings all sorts of wrong images into my mind involving Jason and Jack and Kate and Dr Cox loving this moment so much he wants to have sex with it. Yah – best not go there. He takes yet another dig at Jemma by pointing out where the splits belong on stage – dude! She’s gone. Quit kicking over the gravestone, k?

Incidentally, I can’t wait until Elton joins the cast of Law & Order. I mean, it’s Elton! And sure, he was a bit of a sleaze to Cher, but – awesome!!! Although sad that there’s one more member of the Clueless cast making somethings of themselves while poor Alicia Silverstone … does nothing.

See … more ads. So many ads. And in every break, we get that weird backwards Flake ad which annoys the crap out of me. Can someone explain that ad to me? Please?

Right – back to the show. Henry picks Demi out of the hat and they’re doing House and Contemporary.

Mmmm … House.

Erm. Not that one, obviously. Unfortuately, too, because Hugh Laurie is about fifteen billion times hotter than this routine. Demi tries to smile her way through it, but Henry just … sucks. Though at least he’s covered up all his manflesh, so … small mercies.

Matt thought the unison was out. I counted five yeahs, so it must have really. Sucked. Bonnie thought that Demi made a mistake, which she admits, and then goes on and on about how if you make a mistake, you have to get over it which I thought she did - unlike some people when they make mistakes *cough* Rhiannon and JD *cough*, but it’s ok when Rhiannon stuffs up, innit Bonnie?

Jason is all about encouraging Demi not to let being the only untrained dancer left get to her – and is interrupted by Bonnie, who finds it necessary, for some reason, to angrily yell the words to ‘I am woman’ at everyone, but replacing ‘woman’ with ‘Demi’ and punctuating it with a lot of finger pointing. Jason looks at her like she’s the fruitcake she is and tries to pretend that moment of oddness never happened by bagging Henry, which is awesome. In a rare moment of consistency, Henry also gets the ‘it’s not your genre, but that’s no longer an excuse’.

Next up, Graeme gets Rhiannon … not for the first time, if you believe the rumours … and they get Burlesque and Jazz. Because it’s Graeme, and he cannot help but draw the one card out of the hat that doesn’t have ‘hip-hop’ and/or a ballroom style on it.

The burlesque routine is centered around a whip. It’s basically Jazz, but Rhiannon gets to wear a wig and tights with seams up the back. It’s not very hot. In fact, here is a list of sexier routines on this show so far: ALL OF THEM. Except maybe the ones involving Anthony, and in particular, that horrible ‘dance of forbidden love’ he made us sit through with Camilla the aptly chosen Metamucil spokeswoman.

Matt thinks they were too young to d that routine because they’ve never had the raunchy seks. Bonnie agrees. Jason starts talking and Rhiannons head falls forward as though her drugs just kicked in. I’m worries she’s going to be drooling any second. She still manages a smile when Jason tells her that he started feeling her halfway through. Again … ew. Jason needs a shag because I cannot take much more of his sexually-charged commentary.

After the break, we get the obligatory plug for the SYTYCD soundtrack. And for the finale, which I’m looking forward to and dreading all at the same time.

As far as dancing goes, Jack and Kate are next and they get Supple for their hip-hop, which means Kate and Rhys both got Supple twice, but Kate definitely got the better deal, because this routine freaking awesome. You know how I said that this show should be ‘So You Think You Can Dance Kelly Abbey Choreography?’? Well, I’m changing that to ‘So You Think You Can Dance Supple And Kelly Abbey Choereography?’

The judges are all ‘couple of the night’ and raving and ranting about the freaking awesomeness of the whole thing. Except Bonnie, who is just blathering some shit about listening to the radio. And look, I know they’re pimping Jack. I know that the they’re ignoring a couple of little unison issues. I know all that, but I still have to agree that for sheer entertainment, these guys have killed everyone else tonight.

Yes, even Rhys. Damn Vanessa. And Damn Supple. Why didn’t he give Rhys that piece of awesome instead of the better-than-Nacho-Pop-but-not-awesome thing he got?

Aaanyway, enough with the bitter. Henry and Demi have to do their contemporary next. It’s Kelly Ackers, so the judges will love the choreography but I will think it’s awesome. And … one guess as to the subject?

Yup. Twu Wuv. Or, Young Twu Wuv tonight. It’s vaguely cute, but mostly pretty boring and technically nowhere near top eight standard. Remember that lame twu wuv routine Anthony and Laura did in Top 20 week? No? Not surprising. But anyway, this is the companion piece. It’s chemistry free, technique free and way too twee.

Matt thought it was like dancing through puppies. Poor puppies. I hope they were biting them on the ankles. Bonnie sees blue sky and sunshine, which I think is the drugs, not the routine, but is about as relevant as anything she’s ever said. Jason said they matched in their lack of technique, and all the other dancers would have been better, but they both sucked equally, so it worked. Um… that’s good I suppose.

ATB (that’s shorthand), it’s Vanessa and Rhys doing Broadway. Vanessa is supposed to be a really tough Puerto Rican chicky torturing Rhys, which fills me with fear, because …. Vanessa is so not tough, or a chicky, even.

The music is weird and the whole thing just falls a bit flat, despite Rhys’s best effort. It’s well danced, but Vanessa is just … too …. Not. Sigh. Let’s hope Rhys gets someone good next week.

The judges basically agree with me. Bonnie calls Rhys ‘hot baby hot’ and talks about a Rhys inferno. Right. That’s it. Bonnie – SHUT UP!!!

Last but not least, we have Graeme and Rhiannon doing a Jazz routine with a Mr and Mrs Smith vibe, to a Madonna song. It’s going to be really tough, the package tells me – because at one point Graeme drops a glass from the top of the stairs and Rhiannon has to catch it. Wow. Tough. Most people are dealing with dangerous lifts, but, you know, that doesn’t compare to having to catch a glass.

Their performance is, somewhat ironically, hotter than their burlesque. But not by much. Graeme spends a lot of their non-dancing time chewing on Rhiannon’s head, which is way too teenage-boy horny for prime time. This show is so icky tonight. Teenagers being sexy. Jason being horny. I’m worried for ActonB and her daughters!

The judges like it. Bonnie thinks Rhiannon is still trouble. Ha! We’ll see Bonnie … we’ll see. I know who gets sent home …

And that’s it. Eight performances are a lot easier to recap than fifteen, so I’m feeling good. Especially when Jason reminds the twelve-year-old girls out there not to vote for the hottie, but for the favourite dancer. So, I’m guessing he wants Henry gone too, yeah?

Bonnie closes with ‘each show is different, and tonight is no different!’ and I really don’t think there are enough drugs in the world to make that sentence sound even remotely sensible. But, you know, what more can you expect?

And now … the results show. No waiting. Just like when we saw the US version. And I remember that I forgot to vote.

Not, er, that I do. Um. But in theory, if I did, it’s too late.

The group dance tonight is – not surprisingly, - hip-hop (I think …). But not Nacho pop hip-hop. Not Supple hip-hop either, but ok. Light and cheerful and cheeky and not purely hip-hop. And then not hip-hip at all. So what do I know what I’m talking about?

For the results show, Natalie has kicked the Delta habit, and we are all grateful. Jason tries to hurry the show along, but Natalie is not having it. Instead we have to listen to Bonnie talk about how the dancers are going to end up dancing with Celine Dion (which, I believe, actually was part of the prize for the US version, but come on! How much would hearing that make you want to run and hide if you were listening backstage!) and Matt talking about Mondays being sucky. Blergh.

And then we’re into it. It’s the girls first as usual and it’s Kate v Rhiannon. And these recaps go on for so long I’m checking my work email while I’m watching and still getting everything I need. Nat confirms that one of them is safe, and one is in the bottom four, but admits that we should all know that by now, so yay for self-awareness.

Not surprisingly, Kate is safe and Rhiannon is not. Surprisingly, if the rumours are to be believed, Graeme looks delighted by the result.

And then it’s time for an ad break, before we find out whether Demi or Vanessa will be joining her. Again, not surprisingly, Demi is safe and Vanessa is in the bottom two. Natalie goes straight to the judges for them to have a little bit of a rave about the shit dancers and pretend their opinions still matter. Matt is brave enough to say they got it right.

And then another ad break! What was that segment? Three minutes?

ATB, it’s the guys. Rhys is a sailor tonight. A sailor with an eye infection making him weap bright fluro yellow stuff. Poor boy. I’d hug him, but I don’t want to catch that.

It’s Henry v Jack first, so you just know Henry is in the bottom two, because Jack sure as hell isn’t.

Tellingly, Jack hugs Rhys first. Because last week the edit was all ‘Rhys hates Jack!’ but this week the edit is all ‘Rhys loves Jack!’ because no-one in editing really know what they’re going for with this. See, they thought that if Rhys hated Jack, maybe the public would start to hate Rhys, but that obviously didn’t happen, because we all love Rhys, and if Rhys hates Jack we’re all thinking that there must be a good reason and starting to hate Jack. So, now Rhys loves Jack, because if Rhys loves Jack, we’re all going to love Jack too. And Rhys, but they’ve accepted that nothing is going to change that.

Sooo … I’m rambling because there’s another commercial break to sit through now. This is getting ridiculous. Idol ridiculous.

After the break, it’s Rhys versus Graeme, and I have to confess I’m just a bit worried, because what if everyone just forgot to vote? Like when we all forgot to vote for Ben McKenzie? Or Ricki-Lee?

Oh, that’s right. We didn’t forget to vote for Ricki-Lee.

They both look amazingly nervous, but Rhys can’t even be happy when he gets safed because of poor Graeme. Although he regains his mojo and cartwheels off stage … to hug Jack. Yay for Rhys and Jack love. Can they dance together in the finale? Please?

The judges do a bit more pointless, irrelevant commentary, basically agreeing with Australia, with lots of shots of the Top Four – and you just KNOW they will be – hanging off the side of the stage looking sad or serious or something. Anything but gloaty, the memo said.

I fast forward the musical guest and the crappy interview afterwards. And the ad break the follows. So. Many. Ad. Breaks.

The useless solos follow. And look! Rhiannon is doing the dance from ‘If’ by Janet Jackson, just like my friends and I used to do when we were fifteen! I suppose most of the audience for this show won’t pick that routine as being straight out of the video. Or care, I suppose, given they let Demi get away with ‘Choreographing’ the dance Beyonce does to ‘Crazy In Love’ and didn’t call her out on that.

Henry brings out the hips for one last showing, and I might miss them, if it weren’t for the accompanying facial expressions which kind of make me cringe. Nat tries to be all friendly and chatty, but he basically shoots her dead with talk of fusion and wankery.

Obviously he hits the bitch button because poor Vanessa because when poor Vanessa sweetly tells her that she loves dancing after her solo, she responds with ‘we can tell you love dancing. Can’t you tell she loves dancing everybody?’ in the most snarky tone imaginable. It’s like Gretel Killeen broke into her body for a minute there. Vanessa slinks off stage, suitably humbled and humiliated, while Nat tries to regain the façade that she doesn’t think these people are all total morons.

Sadly, they’re not doing much to dispel the illusion, with Graeme choosing Michael Jackson to dance to and then following it up by singing that he’s ‘cool, calm and collected, bay-bah!’ when Nat tries to talk to him.

It’s time for another ad break, so Natalie can go punch someone out the back and regain that composure she’s so famous for.

And then it’s time to kick some people off the show. Starting with Rhiannon. And it’s about bloody time. I guess Australia didn’t want to be represented by someone from Minto.

Rhiannon is suitably devastated, which is probably why she says she wants to be a triple threat, bigger than Michael. Bigger than Janet. Of course. She’s hoping for a record deal out of this … because apparently now they give record deals to people from all sorts of random reality TV shows, even if they’ve demonstrated no ability to sing or play an instrument or anything. Except, um, not.

And you know, Nat laughing at her right now might be a bit mean, but, really – I’d be laughing too. She’s only human.

Jason says he’ll hire her. Bonnie says something about a secret and I’m just not listening any more. Matt says he’ll hire her too. Well, good then. Nat tells Michael and Janet to watch out because … yeah. Rhiannon’s going to be in Matt’s next Ricki-Lee video, donthca know?

So, enough of that.

It’s time to send Henry home. I’d tell you what Henry says in his exit interview, but to be honest, his freaking Justin Timberlake hat covers his eyes and it strikes me as so disrespectful and rude that I just can’t bring myself to give a shit.

Oi. Dufus. If you want people to listen to you, take your freaking hat off and look them in the eye, k?

Jason has a lovely stab at Bonnie by pointing out that Hurricane Henry seems to have died down. Bonnie disagrees. He’ll always be HER Hurricane Henry. And I hate to be all ‘shameful joy’, but I can’t help but feel a little bit of delight in Bonnie’s babies being sent home.

And on that nasty note, that’s the show, and the recap. There are only six left, and after next week, there will be only four. And you know what that means, don’t you?

Yep. Big Brother is just three short weeks away.

So You Think I'll Snap And Make a Passive Aggressive Remark About The Lack Of Comments? Top Ten Show and Results!

So, this is it – top ten!!! New partners!! The power is in our hands!! Blah blah blah. And since everyone is doing a couple dance AND a solo, it’s going to be a loooooooooong night. Buckle up, three readers who never comment, this is going to be wild.

I never really know what to say about Natalie. Tonight she’s wearing some white fringed thing and calling Bonnie ‘Miss Bonnie Bling Bling Bling’ again, which makes me angry. Bonnie quotes the Black Eyes Peas ‘let’s get it on’ – which, dammit, I thought was one of those old soul guys, but what do I know? I’m just a girl.


read the rest

First up we have Jack and …. Vanessa!! Doing …. Contemporary!! There’s a lot of faux enthusiasm for the new partnerships and new styles, which aren’t really new. In their package, Vanessa says she’s not very technical. Whatevs.

The routine is your pretty typical twu wuv contemporary thing. What is with contemporary and twu wuv? Jack sells it though, and Vanessa is as ‘in her genre’ as she’s likely to get in the competition. Matt loved it. Bonnie thought it was wonderful. Jason calls Vanessa out for her ‘not a technical dancer’ comment, saying she is a technical dancer and she knows it before – oddly – criticizing her technique.

After the break, it’s Kate and Rhys! Which gives me tingles because they’re both awesome. There’s some lovely bits with Rhys hugging Jemma goodbye and being all ‘who’s going to tidy up your messy eyeliner?’ and awwww … so cuteness. I love Rhys. And I love Rhys and Kate, who are doing Hip Hop with Supple! Supple was in Mx last week and apparently he’s tops.

Whether he is or not, the routine is certainly better than the usual brand of Nacho Pop hip-hop we’ve been dealt so far. Rhys looks gorgeous in a loose suit and trainer combination, and Kate is hot, and they are hot and so very good and there are all these really intricate hand movements and they totally kill it with the awesome.

Nat calls it very cool. Matt says it was hot, which is fast becoming his catch-all. Bonnie says they were a good match and they’re great but Kate has Jazz face, which Jason disagrees with, because it was a Jazzy routine, so Jazz face was great. Bonnie is all ‘how dare you disagree with me boyfriend, talk to the hand!’ I wish Jason has given her an L for Loser, but he’s not five, so he just raves about the routine a bit and yay! Loved it! Yay!

And then the big surprise but not. Everyone is doing a solo! And they get to pick their own song but it has to be from a movie. At least they get help from a choreographer this time … so they might not all suck completely.

Henry is our first Solo-ist and he’s dancing to the score from 300. He’s shirtless (of course) but all painted up and wearing a big fuck-off cape which is cool but, um, keeps getting in the way of his legs so I can’t actually tell you if the dancing was any good because I couldn’t see most of it for all the cape fluttering. What I did see: meh.

Nat loves his abs. Matt liked it. Bonnie calls him ‘Hurricane Henry’ and I’m like ‘dude! We don’t get hurricanes. We get cyclones!’ Jason says he danced through the music and not to the music and says yeah a lot, which enrages Bonnie and she’s butting in left right and centre with her disagreement, but of course reassuring us that they’re great friends of-stage which I so don’t buy because why on earth would Jason want to hang out with Bonnie? Or Matt for that matter?

Matt for that matter. Try typing that three times fast.

Rhiannon’s solo is next, and she does her usual hip-hoppy thing with lots of little jogs around the stage (that or her trainers are super super bouncy). At least she pulled her pants up, I suppose.

Matt says a bunch of stuff including the word ‘yeah’ a lot, because he wants to be friends with Jason off stage too and he heard somewhere that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Bonnie asks her to smile. Blergh.

Jason says she was hot, and makes some vaguely intelligent comment about musicality again.

Anthony is next with the solo. Boooooooring. Booooooooooring. Booooooooring. He picks that ‘blowers daughter’ song that all the cool kids on reality TV are using these days, but uses the most boring bit of the whole song and stops just when it gets to anything remotely climax-like.

Matt doesn’t know if he likes it because it’s dancey, or doesn’t because it’s not tricksy. Bonnie says something. Jason wanted more light and shade. Drink!

To vote for Anthony … No. Don’t vote for Anthony. If I find out any of you have been voting for Anthony, I will be coming after you.

After the break we have Jemma, who jives to ‘Shake your Tailfeather’ and I so want her to be good but in the end it just reminds me of a bad high-school cheerleading audition and I’m so saddened because I can’t in any sort of good conscience send her a vote now. Also, she’s wearing Courtney’s solo outfit from Top 20 night, and this both offends and annoys me, because it’s fug.

Matt says it was lackluster, but it’s hard for her without a partner. Bonnie is ‘very disappointed’ and Jason loves her but basically says that she sucked.

Awww. She’s nearly crying and I want Rhys to run out and give her a big old hug and fix her eye make-up.

Demi’s new partner is Graeme, and he does the usual bonehead thing of picking the top genre card from the pile and draws contemporary, which makes him sad (and also Rhys and Jemma, apparently) because it’s his third contemporary routine and Australia is going to think he’s not very versatile.

Huh. And here I thought they were being nice to him with every single routine so far being in his genre. Maybe next time he’ll grow a pair and go for the card at the bottom of the pile. Fight fate, my lovelies! Fight fate!

Tonight Demi and Graeme have to do the gratuitous plug for the music downloading service using the shiny laptop from the shows sponsor (that, incidentally, I want. In red. But I feel dirty for wanting. Because of the pimping on the show. But how hot is it?) Note to the producers: It doesn’t work if the people doing the plug sound deliberately annoyed about doing it.

They’re doing a critters routine by Sarah Boulter. It’s very cute and hard not to like, despite the usual unison issues and Demi actually not killing it in nearly the same fashion as Graeme does.

After they’re done they crawl over to Natalie and she’s all freaking out. Cute! Or … not really.

Matt enjoyed it. Bonnie thought it was wow wow wow – as constructive as ever – and then she goes on about how hard it must have been … for Demi. Poor Graeme. Jason loved it, but again says that it must have been so hard …. For Demi. And then adds ‘Graeme, I can’t forget you here, because you danced that so well together’. So, in other words, ‘Graeme, I’m mentioning your name here because someone should, but I’ve not actually got anything to say to you.’

And I feel the rage boiling here because Graeme so outdanced Demi in that routine and I don’t care if it was in his genre, someone should still say it, like they do every other time someone in their genre outdances their partner.

Ok. Calm. Breathe. Breathe. Calm.

Vanessa. Solo. Very pretty but I can’t get up the caring.

Matt loved the light and shade, yeah? Bonnie says something about a genie. Jason is obviously pissed at the theft of the yeah and gets ¾ of the way through his critique (something about emotion and feeling and whatevs.) without letting one out, and then stumbles for a final yeah-count of two. Eh. It’s progress.

After the break, Nat plugs the new SYTYCD soundtrack, which … features the Rogue Traders, and her ‘Oh, get this … the Rouge Traders! I love them!’ would have been perfectly cute and acceptably glib if not for the fact that I was sitting here wondering how they got on the soundtrack despite not being used on the show ever.

Jack’s next doing a Mission-Impossible solo. And no, not a solo to the music from Mission Impossible, but a solo as though he’s in the movie. It’s pretty cute, but I don’t need no reminding of Tom Cruise during my favourite Reality TV show of 2008 so far.

Matt loved it but thought it might have been too literal. Bonnie loved it, and says he’s on a mission, but a possible one. Jason does a fake-out and is all serious like it was shit, but then says it was so entertaining and stopped the show and doesn’t say yeah once he’s so excited.

Hmmm … perhaps the yeah is bad? Perhaps the dancers should be sitting around backstage comparing yeah-counts. It’s a theory.

Kate does a solo to some song from the Bodyguard that at first sounds like ‘Gangsta’ by Bell Biv Devoe, which would be awesome, but is actually ‘Queen of the Night’ by Whitney Houston. Blergh.

It’s pretty good but I can’t get excited about it. Matt says she pwned it. Or owned it. Or whatever. Bonnie didn’t think she was the queen of the night, and it was mediocre and then she does a thing at the audience where she’s like ‘and you can’t boo me because that’s what I think’ – which is a) rude, because they can boo you because that’s what THEY think b) unnecessary, because no-one was really booing yet and c) so smug I want to punch her and d) annoying, because she does it instead of justifying WHY that’s what she thinks, which might actually be constructive. I hate Bonnie.

Jason loved bits of it and didn’t love other bits, but only gave her one yeah, so there goes my theory.

And how appropriate that they gave Camilla a Metamucil ad *insert ‘she certainly gives me the shits’ joke here*

Rhys is next, doing a routine to Born Slippy from Trainspotting and it’s very intense and full-on and fairly confronting for a family timeslot – very thematically Trainspotting – and I love it. I don’t love the hairy beige see-through jumper he’s wearing, but he’s Rhys, and I have to forgive him the fashion because it’s all part of the rich tapestry and he owns it.

Matt didn’t like it. Didn’t like the music. It icked him – and I’m thinking that was part of the point, so Matt is stupid. And maybe a big old homophobe too, which means he’s in completely the wrong line of work unless he’s content to only ever choreograph nubile young girls in mediocre Australian ‘hip-hop’ videos. Bonnie thought he could do better. Jason loved the top of it and thought the whole thing was very powerful and evoked emotion, so well done. The comments have very clearly been cut to shit because they don’t really make a whole lot of sense and they’re over in a flash and tomorrow night we’ll get recaps of a whole different set of comments, but let’s leave that for the results show recap for now and just all give Rhys a big old virtual hug.

*awww … so warm*

The brown hair jumper is a bit itchy though.

Jemma draws Anthony out of the Hat Of Evil and pretends to be happy about it. It’s not our night, Team Jemma. It’s really not. She’s much happier about getting a Cha Cha, and is all comfortable with the sexy dance now, not that Anthony could bring the sexy anywhere …

The routine is fine. I mean, Jemma’s bit is fine. I can’t say my eyes fell upon her dancing partner at any point during my original viewing.

Matt doesn’t think the routine was as strong as the music. Yeah x 2. Bonnie is all ‘Jemma did much better’. Jason tells her it’s not her night but calls her darlin’ a lot, because he loves her, but she’s sucking tonight and I know he’s trying to be nice, and I’m with him on everything he’s saying, but it just sounds so very patronizing.

Then he goes and calls Anthony beige and I’m pulling my Jason Coleman Fan Club membership out of the bin and holding it somewhere close to my heart once more. Sing it, my badly dressed older brother!

After the break – yeah, I know. This show, like this recap, is going forever – Graeme does a high energy solo to the fast bit out of Bohemian Rhapsody. And I get he’s trying to be versatile, but he’s just … not that great. And I like Graeme.

Matt says it showed what kind of dancer he was. Dynamic etc. Bonnie wanted more and better and for him to show his emotion – which, of course, he hasn’t done in the bazillion twu wuv routines he’s had so – oh, wait.

Jason got it, but thinks less is more. Jason is so sensible. Yeah?

And final, we’re up to our final solo for the night (not our final performance, mind you – but we have to be getting close) and it’s Demi! In pink pantaloons. It starts of cheesy and theatrical and ends up the usual hip-hop stylings and I don’t really love it. It’s too eisteddfod. God that word is so spelled wrong but Microsoft is INSTISTING. You know what I mean … high school. Cheesy. Lame.

Blergh.

Matt is all sunshine and positivity and tricks. Bonnie says journey and firecracker and a few other stupid words that don’t mean anything. Jason does an uh-oh, and calls her darling’, so you just know he thinks it’s shit. Which he does, of course. Because someone has to agree with me, yeah?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand then! It’s the last performance of the night! Finally. I’d be joyous but I know I’ve got a results show to recap tonight too … and that involves Delta Goodrem. So, frankly, I’d be happy if the performance show just kept going and going and going.

And going and going.

Rhiannon picks ……… guess who??? …. Henry!! Out of the hat, and I’m wondering why they’re all surprised, given, um, process of elimination and everything. Stupid show/dancers/something.

Anyway, they get Jazz, and Rhiannon is all ‘what does Jazz mean?’ and thinks it’s going to be jazz hands and cheese, which is completely dumb because a) I thought she was a jazz/hip-hop dancer, b) she’s already done two (2) jazz routines in this competition and c) even I know what Jazz is.

The thing is I suspect she’s serious. Dipstick.

And because life sucks balls, they get Kelly Abbey, which is so not fair. I want Rhys to get Kelly Abbey. Alas for the viewing public, it’s this seasons obligatory death dance. It’s the unwritten rule of SYTYCD that there must be a death dance every season. It must be all deep and angsty and involve the choreographers own backstory and make the cynics groan.

On the brightside, Kelly Abbeys death dance shits all over Mia Michaels ‘dance like stupid four-year-olds’ death dance. I’m still all for renaming this show ‘So You Think You Can Dance Kelly Abbey Choreography?’ despite this minor fall from awesome funness.

I’d tell you what the judges said, but I’m too distracted by Henry and his constant sobbing during the feedback. And by sobbing I mean heavy-breathing and eye rubbing, and a glorious moment where he wipes his nose with his finer and rubs it on Rhiannons head. Aw. That, there, my readers, is the start of a beautiful friendship. But I’m guessing that because they can hardly say otherwise, they’re going to say it’s awesome.

And that’s why I hate the death dance. No judge is ever going to say anything bad. None. Except maybe Vyle Sandypants. But really, do we want him anywhere near our dear show? No.

And now that I’ve sullied it, that was the performance show. Awesome, yeah? Yeah.

Stay tuned, because the results show recap is up right after the break.

Line break, I mean.

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Group dance. Hip hop. Sigh. Why must there be so many freaking hip-hop group dances? And it’s not even by super special choreographer Supple – it’s just another Nacho Pop thing. Nappy-time.

Natalie is in red tonight and looking a little overexcited for a results show. She looks cuter than Jason though, who is wearing a vomit-patterned shirt unbuttoned a little too low.

First up we have the girls. And the way this will work is that two of them will be in ‘the bottom four’, and everyone in ‘the bottom four’ will do a dance that doesn’t mean anything (filler, ok …. We need to get our hours worth of show) and then one boy and one girl will get the boot, based on the votes.

Demi is first and she gets the whole recap package but not – yay! – Natalie recapping the recap package (which then involves me recapping the recap of a recap … it’s too early for this). Demi is safe, obvs.

Jemma and Kate get recapped next. And of course Jemma is in the bottom four, which makes me sad, but not as sad as if it were both of them.

After the break, it’s down to Rhiannon and Vanessa, and curiously, they recap Jason criticizing Rhiannon’s death dance with Henry, which I’m pretty damn sure we didn’t see last night. Stupid show.

These two get to get some judging feedback and Matt says Vanessa will be in the bottom four, so of course it’s Rhiannon. I’d like to think she was going home but – unlikely. Poor Jemma.

And then it’s right onto the boys (after the break, of course). Rhys is first up and most of his recapped comments weren’t screened last night – both negative and positive. Odd. Odd. Odd.

And self-indulgent, eh? It’s a freaking solo. What happened to ‘dance for yourself!’

Say it with me kids – Stupid show.

Rhys is safe and hugs everyone and nearly mounts Henry and then hugs Nat and he’s the cutest little excited possum ever, even with the blue and green make-up that looks like he dipped the top of his head into a fluorescent fishtank and it left a stain.

Jack and Anthony are next. Nat reminds Anthony that Bonnie thinks he’s great and asks if Australia agrees. No, they don’t, she continues. How awkward. And funny! Poor Anthony. Or, not really. So Jack is safe, which – in a fake-out of editing or a vulnerable moment screened for no good reasons – doesn’t seem to please Rhys, and Anthony is going home in the bottom two.

Then it’s Henry and Graeme. And I know who I want in the bottom four, and we know who Bonnie wants – Graeme, because she and I will never be on the same team – but, in true Idol fashion, we’re going to have to wait until after the break to find out that it’s Graeme and I lose and Bonnie wins yet again.

And then we get the obligatory judges feedback, and Jason does the ‘if you like your dancers, you have to vote for them’ plug for Legion Interactive, and Natalie plugs the Idol Auditions and the Delta Goodrem performs and plugs her new album – which from this random sample is a bit pile of shite.

Not that we’re surprised. But, even for Delta, this is badness. It has shades of that Paris Hilton song – that’s how bad it is. And is why I love the Fast Forward button.

After that shocking display, each of the bottom four get to do a solo, for no good reason really except to fill up some time and show us what we might be missing. Jemma seems resigned to going home, and when even Natalie calls her darlin’ and tells her she loves her you know it’s a foregone conclusion. Poor dear.

Anthony’s solo is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, and followed up by Rhiannon’s usual brand of bouncy hip-hop in low cut pantzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and then Graeme shows us his hip-hopping moves and I do like him and his bumbling nervousness in the post-solo interview afterwards.

After the break, we finally, finally get to the eliminations, and Jemma is going home, which makes Nat all emotional, because she probably thinks Rhiannon is a whingy brat too. Her package is lovely, but then she talks about not giving up and a whole bunch of stuff and it reminds me of my first impression of her in the Top 20 revealed show. And she thanks Brendan, who auditioned with her, but not Rhys who – let’s face it, Darlin’ – got her this far.

And then it’s the boys, and it’s Anthony. Surprise surprise. And yay! Finally.

I wish I could tell you what his package and everything were like, but I just don’t care enough to put myself through the whole thing again. If you want to know what he said, and what the judges said, get the video. He does, I will note, tell everyone at home that if they’re interested in dance, to take lessons. NOT, of course, because he has a dance school whose enrollments have doubled since this show started, but because he’s a nice guy like that.

And I won’t hear anything different, k?

And that’s it folks. Except that behind Nat’s natter, I keep seeing Rhys lined up to hug Jemma while she ignores him and hugs everyone – anyone - else, and it makes me sad. If that’s how it’s going to be, then that’s how it’s going to be, but suddenly, I’m very very glad I didn’t vote for her.

See you next week! Or, maybe we can lure ActonB out of retirement?