So You Think The Voting Public Will Finally Throw Us a Curveball? Top Six and Results

The first search for Australia’s favourite dancer has been a rather even affair to this point. Sure, maybe no-one could have predicted that the top six would be Kate, Vanessa, Demi, Jack, Rhys and Graeme, but when you think about it, there haven’t really been any surprises.

Sure, Demi and Vanessa are both deeply, deeply flawed as dancers, but who would we have in their places? Courtney? Kassie? Stephanie? Laura? Camilla? Jemma? Rhiannon? You see my point? It’s a bit different with the boys – you could very easily substitute Hilton or Marko for Graeme and not come out with a weaker top six – but everyone knows the only real competition on this show is between a certain delightful funk/hip-hop dancer named Jack and the campiest, sweetest, loveliest Jazz dancer to have ever worn a brown hairy jumper, Rhys. Everyone else is just window dressing.

What this show has really needed, all along, is an upset. A Benji Mac v Matt Corby in the bottom two moment, if you will. Don’t get me wrong – I love that for the first time ever, after seven seasons of Big Brother and five of Australian Idol, I’m occasionally correctly predicting the vote. I love that for the most part, the vote has gone my way. But at the same time, I keep waiting for that upset. Expecting it.

Which probably explains the knot in my stomach as the top six dancers get introduced tonight. If there’s going to be an upset – and there’s always an upset – it’s now or never.

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Thankfully, Jason’s wearing another spew-covered shirt to snap me out of my thoughtfulness just in time for him to confess that the audience is peaking. Huh. I thought all that shrieking was a bit unnatural, but who’d have thought they’d be plying them with drugs? They’re just kids, goddamit!

First up tonight is Kate – clearly the best female dancer left – who relieves some of my butterflies by picking Rhys, then Rumba, then Jason Gilkinson as choreographer.

I’m not sure what to say besides it’s freaking awesome. I confess to being slightly distracted by the perfect roundness of Rhys’s butt in tight black pants, but that aside there’s lots of glorious lifts, lots of angsty, sexy posing and lots and lots of … just pretty. Aw.

Matt totally bought it. Jason – because tonight, for the first time all season, we’re mixing it up a bit with the judges comments; it makes no sense to me but whatever – is generally into it but, of course, has to find a criticism. It’s his job, so I’m ok with it … Bonnie said they danced. Right the way through. From beginning to end.

Um. Yeah. They did. Funny that.

After the break – and it grates less tonight, with only five routines, that there’s a break after everything – Demi and Jack are reunited for her fourth contemporary routine in a row.

I really want to say this show is rigged. But … I can’t. They LOVE Demi. If they were rigging it for her, she’s be getting the hip hops instead of Rhys.

Aaaanyway, in their package, the choreographer talks all about the unison and how much it matters in this routine, and Demi hurts her ankle, but is ok with it because this is what we do, as a dancer. We go through pain to get sympathy votes. Der.

And, you know, if it wasn’t for all the talk about unison in the package, the fact that they don’t find it once throughout the whole routine would not be nearly so annoying. Jack does well, and Demi … does ok, I suppose. But they’re just so shockingly off the entire time that I can’t help but think the whole thing is pretty average.

Bonnie says it’s clever but hard, because they had to be machines with emotions, and that Demi is a good dancer because she iced her hurt ankle. She also says the executed it brilliantly – which is a lie. Jason tells Demi he loves her a few times, which makes me think he’s going to nail them on the unison, but instead he talks about owenership and how Demi does so well in this genre which isn’t hers – which, remember last week when Henry did ok but not great in a genre that wasn’t his own, and Jason said that at this point in the competition being out of your genre wasn’t anything to write home about (unless you’re Graeme … in which case it’s a freaking miracle), is different, because they weren’t pimping Henry like they’re pimping Demi – and that Jack is the versatility king.

And not a word about the unison. Jason Coleman, you’re dead to me.

Matt says it was so strong but there was a little bit of a little bit of a unison issue, but puts it down to not enough rehearsal (because, you know, Jack and Demi had less time to rehearse than all the other couples who managed to get their unison down … say it with me, Square Eyes: Stupid Show!)

After the break and a reminder of the relatively lame prizes – Vanessa draws Graeme (duh!) and they get Broadway, which means Graeme is vaguely out of his genre but yet to do a partner hip-hop (unless you count that hideous non-hip-hop lyrical thing from Top 20 week) or Ballroom. Or … really anything that isn’t pretty much Jazzy.

It’s slapstick, which Vanessa thinks is a lip gloss –

OK. Fucking hell. Enough. I’m done. First these so-called dancers haven’t ever heard of any dance style besides their own. Then a so-called Jazz Specialist doesn’t know what Jazz is and thinks it’s all top hats and spirit fingers. And now a freaking grown woman has never heard of slapstick, and we’re supposed to find it cute?

Listen up: DUMB is not cute. Ignorance is not cute. And I’m going to bet that these people are not this dumb. No-one is this dumb. Or this ignorant. Why do reality TV producers insist on showing us, in a cutesy-poo way, how dumb these contestants are? It’s ridiculous, it’s annoying and I, for one, am sick of it.

- Aaaaanyway. Yeah. Slapstick (not Chapstick) with Graeme and Vanessa. It’s cute, I guess. What I saw of it in between fits of blind, ranting rage.

Jason thinks it needs more staccato – which apparently means short and sharp and to my surprise, none of the contestants giggle that they thought staccato was a flavour of ice-cream. Matt … um. Yeah. Said stuff. Bonnie decides she’s going to call Vanessa ‘Versatile Vanessa’ from now on, because obviously she didn’t actually watch her woeful attempts at hip-hop last week.

After the break we have a surprise. Which means more dancing! All girl dancing! And then all boy dancing!

Curiously (um, given Demi is a B-girl and Jack is a funk/hip-hop specialist – apparently) each gender gets a hip-hop routine. Even more curiously, the girls get the utter mediocrity of Nacho Pop, while the boys are choreographed by Supple. As if that’s fair.

So, the girls are first, and we open on a close-up of Vanessa lowering her sunglasses to give us sexy-face. Unfortunately, it seems that she’s been asked to give her sexy face right into a spotlight, so she just looks squinty.

As for the rest of it …… snooze. With a side of pointless and mostly very unsexy writhing to the soulful tunes of Tupac.

Matt says Vanessa didn’t do so well. Bonnie says it was awesome that the three girls danced together! Oh my god! I know. I thought it was incredible too … except, again, no. Not really. Jason disagrees and says that he didn’t see three girls dancing together at all. Oh, buuuuuurn, Bonnie. And Vanessa, who is the main person who wasn’t dancing right.

He’s still dead to me, but buuuuuuuurn.

And finally for tonight, it’s the boys turn. They’re all going to be animals. It’s super-duper cute. Rhys is a fish and Jack is a meerkat – I KNOW, perfect, right? – and Graeme is a … reptile?

In short, Supple is a god. Who, incidentally, is going to be fathering all my little dancing babies – by artificial insemination, of course. Ew. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Matt echoes my sentiments about supple. Bonnie has individual things she loved about each of them. Except she forgets Graeme. Poor Graeme. Jason thought it was brilliant, but is a bit annoyed that there were no unison bits that he could criticize Rhys and Graeme during.

And that’s the top six performance show. And it’s only 8.30.

Who’d a thunk?

Luckily, I tape these things so I can watch them right after each other, so … it’s results time. And my stomach is seriously twisted. I’ve voted three times: once for Kate, twice for Rhys, and I’m so nervous that MrL has to leave the room. It’s not even the finale, and this is just a freaking TV show, and yet I think I’m going to throw up.

Which is awesome, because tonight there’s going to be a lot of filler before we even start on the results. Great, more time for me to get panicky and prepared for the big upset.

Luckily, the group dance is pretty damn hot. I think Jason Gilkinson watched that whole Burlesque mess last week and decided we needed to see it done properly. It’s sexy, it’s saucy, it’s a whole bunch of other s-words, but more than anything it’s dramatic and big and brassy and bold. And just a little bit cheeky.

And in honour of all the sexy, Natalie Bassingthwaite has decided to wear a nightie.

Jason Gilkinson is, incidentally, being Bonnie tonight, because Bonnie has gone far far away (quick … let’s bitch about her!). This is a) awesome, because he’s – you know – articulate and intelligent and has probably heard of slapstick, b) useless, because it’s a Monday night where the judges don’t do anything and c) frustrating, because there are now two Jasons.

And therefore, Jason Coleman will henceforth be known as JC. No relation to Jesus, which I’m sure he’ll be disappointed to hear.

The other Jason will just be Jason.

Right, now that’s sorted, it’s time for a Very Special Performance by The Littlest Dancer In the World and A Huge Man In A Nudie Leotard. They’re from Cirque Du Soleil, so this is basically advertising (if I told you that Optus was heavily involved with both Cirque Du Soleil and SYTYCD … would you really be surprised?) but it’s still quite impressive to watch with lots of tumbling and unlikely balancing and stuff that is like what Anthony used to do but about fifteen times better. I must say though that the Huge Man’s leotard is slightly distracting. He’s reminding me of a demon of some sort, especially because he’s got these big white feet poking out from the bottom of the leotard and it’s all kind of absurd.

But still, nice tumbling.

And then it’s time for more filler! Tonight every single dancer will get to dance a solo. Joy of all joys! Kate is first and she goes down the angsty contemporary path. I love her but I find the angsty contemporary kind of lame as a solo.

Vanessa decides that originality is for suckers and does something from the Lion King. And you know what? I hate it. I'm sure it's not the popular opinion but I think it sucks. And she just looks stupid in a leopard skin leotard. It’s all just so awkward – although perhaps not as awkward as Demi’s bright yellow pyjama shorts. Or her solo.

How did those two get this far again? Oh, yeah: Courtney, Kassie, Stephanie, Laura, Camilla, Jemma and Rhiannon. If in doubt, consider the competition.

Then we need a break, because three 30-second solos is all that will fit in one segment. Stupid show. On the bright side, all these ad breaks make this a really quick show to watch with a fast forward button.

I actually quite enjoy Jack’s solo, even though he choses that music from the Bonds Kaleidoscope ads and he’s not nearly as pretty as all those girls in bright underpants. Graeme, on the other hand, does the same as Kate and goes for the angsty contemporary. He’s no Danny, but he dedicates it to his mum. Awww. Did no-one tell him the lines have closed already?

Rhys is last and as much as I love him with my whole big faghaggy heart – I’m glad he hasn’t had to do many of these kinds of solos in the competition. They’re kind of … weird. And not really awesomely so.

After all that, it’s time for …. More filler!! This time in the form of on Sean Kingston. Who? I hear you ask. It’s a valid question. One I can’t answer because - oops. My finger fell on the fast forward button.

And then it’s time for another break, of course, and then – finally, finally, finally – it’s time for some actual results. The girls are first and I’m so nervous I could puke. Or maybe that was just Sean Kingston.

There’s a lengthy process of going through each of the girls performances and comments and recaps and blah blah blah and then they announce the first safe girl is … wait for it … Kate!!!

And really, it’s a small victory for the underdog. A real one, not a manufactured, Demi-like fairy tale. Kate’s the girl who didn’t even make it on screen through the auditions or the top 100 week. Her first partner was completely untrained and half a foot shorter than her. Her second was more popular, but she dragged him into the bottom three and he got booted. We all thought she was filler. The producers treated her like filler. And yet, because she, you know, actually can dance, here she is. She’s in the grand final. She’s stoked. I’m stoked. Australia is stoked. Bonnie … maybe not so stoked, wherever she is, but that just makes it all the more awesome.

After yet another break, we repeat the same process for the boys and I’m totally expecting that damn upset but thankfully it’s not to be – yet – and we can all exhale for the first time all night as Rhys is the first boy through to the final four. I may or may not have squeed – you’ll never know.

So now Kate and Rhys are off squealing in the corner and I love them and I want them to make little dancing babies for me to adopt and raise as my own, because, really – Supple may be awesome by Rhys and Kate are much, much prettier. And sure, there’s a small risk that the babies end up without top lips … well, that’s what collagen is for. Obvs.

If it makes it easier, they can still do the artificial insemination thing.

Sorry, back to the show, and it’s time to find out who else made it through – and therefore, who’s going home. Surprising no-one in the LaRue household, Demi makes it into the finals and Vanessa gets to do the ‘stand of shame’ as everyone is hugging Demi. She does a good job of not looking disappointed, but you know she is. No big loss, I say – maybe she can go out now and learn what slapstick is.

And Demi, by default, really, when you consider Courtney, Kassie, Stephanie, Laura, Camilla, Jemma, Rhiannon and Vanessa, makes it into the final.

And now it’s time for judges comments and I’d tell you what they said but it was all so freaking pointless. Why waste a good judge like Jason Gilkinson on tonights show? Surely a blow-up doll would have done, given the judges have said exactly five words between them all night?

And then it’s the boys turn. Final chance for an upset – but it’s not to be and Jack makes it through. Just like we all knew he would weeks and weeks and weeks ago.

Graeme, on the other hand, is going home. He looks devastated, and so we cut straight to the package so they can drug him up so he doesn’t cry. Looking back at his experience – I refuse to use the J word – I’m thinking shaving off the bad teenage mustache was the best thing Graeme ever did.

When we cut back, Graeme is still holding back tears, and the judges are still talking crap. JC tells us that he doesn’t know what the votes were, but he’s sure they were very close, which is probably the most ridiculous thing he has ever said. I can tell you how close it was. This close:

*stretches arms out* Jack and Rhys v Graeme? Are you for reals?

Graeme then gives us the longest departure speech yet, which starts with the thanking of God for giving him gifts and putting him here … because as any theologist will tell you – if there is a God, he spends his days creating actors and singers and dancers and putting them on earth so they can go on reality TV shows. Of course.

And that’s pretty much it. No surprises. No shocks. No Benji Mac moments. A top four that anyone could have predicted a month ago, and the same old two-horse race for the grand prize. All that stands between us and the result is one more night of dancing (and one more night of filler … and maybe some dancing) – our SYTYCD experience is nearly over. Are you sad? I'm sad. I'm going to miss this gig.

No don’t forget kids, when the voting lines open at the end of next weeks show, it’s RHYS to 191010. As many times as you can afford. And then a few. God put you on this earth and made you read this recap so you, too, could vote for Rhys.

It’s density. Just don’t forget.

See you next week!