So You Think You Can Read This Recap Before Tonights Show? Top 16!

Well hello again! We know, we know – it’s late. And as much as I would love to say that art takes time, and it’s going to be worth the wait and blah blah blah, this is a very last minute thing because ActonB has had a shitter of a week (hugs!) and I’m working from memory and rather vague notes so … you know – deal.

And the show starts with the usual dancer intros, and as much as I love the cheese, I’m getting a bit sick of the feigned surprise in ‘Here’s Jack!’ ‘It’s Jemma!’ ‘And Kate!’

Excuse me Ms Bassingthawaite, have you not been watching the show? We KNOW all these people are going to be here. It would be more fun if it was like ‘Here’s Fred! Hey, Fred, what the hell are you doing here? We cut you!’

But anyway, she has extensions. It’s a bit nasty but still better than the hair-three-times-as-wide-as-head look she had a few weeks ago. And Mary Murphy is a guest judge! And yay! She’s all screamy! Yay! And she’s loud! And the other judges love her! Yay! Mary Murphy! Yay! Are you excited yet? I know I am, so let’s see some dancing!

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By the way, did you know that Sony Vaio is a proud sponsor of SYTYCDA? I didn’t!

Jack and Demi start us off with some jazz. It’s ‘indie jazz’ – which is jazz danced to the Arctic Monkeys. Like ‘industrial jazz’ is jazz danced to The Prodigy. Get it? Jack is great and Demi …. tries hard. Which is what Mary says. Matt says Jack is too cheesy – as if there is such a thing as too cheesy! Pah! Bonnie says something but I don’t remember what and it’s probably meaningless and vaguely positive. And Jason and his man-chest criticize.

Matt makes a joke about going deaf sitting next to Mary. He will make this joke after every routine. I will smile, every time, but I will secretly be getting tired of it.

Next up, we have Henry and Vanessa doing ‘contemporary disco’. Contemporary disco, as it turns out, is contemporary danced in spangly ice-skating outfits. Their whole package is about Henry being late to the first rehearsal, and how annoyed Vanessa and the choreographer were, and how sorry Henry was. The dance itself is ok – if you’re into that kind of thing. It’s got lots of leaps and throwing and it’s meant to be all deep and meaningful and angsy. Meh.

Mary doesn’t quite get it, and can’t spot the disco. I like Mary, she’s like Jason but with less chest hair. Matt says it’s nice to see Vanessa relax for a change, and that Henry is versatile. I just think Henry is greasy, but I’m not a judge, so it doesn’t count.

Bonnie tells Henry off for being late and he goes into this long-winded not-explaination about why. As it turns out, he was only five or six minutes late, which is – bad, don’t get me wrong, but doesn’t even come close to the amount of time that everyone else seems to have wasted bitching about it.

Bonnie also says that Vanessa outdanced Henry, but probably only because she’s still mad that he was late and can’t let those 350-odd seconds go. Jason disagrees. He tells Vanessa that this was her style – except I thought her style was ballet, but maybe this is as close as she will ever get in this competition – and she didn’t kick arse like she should have.

Camilla and Sermsah get a contemporary routine. The choreographer has obviously watched Hero recently, and chosen not to use it as an excuse for a nap, but as inspiration. So they get to do a simulated fight thing. MrL, being my resident martial arts expert, thinks it’s shit and lacks unison. ActonB, in her notes, thinks it’s way funky. I … fall somewhere in the middle. They did ok, but it didn’t impress me much. But maybe that’s because I sit through every routine these do dreading the post-routine interview and Camilla’s hand-movement-ridden, teeth-laden, ‘I’m such an expert’ speech about why she is so awesome and Sermsah is ok too.

And she doesn’t disappoint. Apparently, in dance, the girl has to trust the boy. Thank you, Camilla – I bow down to your infinite dance wisdom.

The judges all loved it and MrL storms out of the room when not even Jason points out the unison issues. I can’t help but feel that all three of Camilla/Sermsah routines have been decidedly average, but been judged rather gently.

After the break, Rhys and Jemma rock the Paso Doble. It’s well awesome and he flings her around like a pro. There’s a bit of a clunky snake thing but other than that it’s great.

Rhys is still my new TV Gay Best Friend.

Mary screams! Matt yays! Bonnie yays! Jason says he’s only got 40% hearing in his left ear, and now it’s only 30%. Mary makes the comment of the night and suggests we all have a pity party for him. Heh! Take that, nasty judge who I agree with 100% of the time.

Steph and Marko are up next with the Krump. And I’m calling bullshit. I hate Stephanie as much as the next person, but could these guys get three worse routines, with three worse costumes, for three consecutive weeks? No.

Although the editors do take care this week to show us that there are lots of cards in the magical dance-genre bucket. And yes, they’re all stacked neatly on top of each other and when Stephanie goes in she moves her hand around and picks up the top one. Don’t do it Steph – you KNOW they have it in for you. Root around the bottom. Fight your fate.

Or, don’t. Just take your Krump pills and shut up.

In the pre-dance package, Steph is all positive and ‘yay Krump! I don’t know what it means but I’m not going to whinge and bitch and moan – much! I’m positive! I’m happy! I can’t wait!’ while Marko is all ‘Working with the same partner every week is hard, especially when it’s Steph!’ except the last part is said with his eyes and not his mouth.

The dance is shit. Marko does what he can and he’s all fierce. Steph is shit.

Mary is nice, but thinks that Steph was too soft. Matt and Bonnie have just swallowed that Kool-Aid that Steph served them before the show and think it was awesome. Jason was rightly suspicious and just pretended to drink his, so he’s only written down three words: Big. Fat. Mess.

Yay for skeptical non-Kool-Aid-drinking Jason!

Laura and Anothony are doing Soul Swing. And Michael of the lovely upper body is choreographing! Laura gets to wear Steph’s outfit from last week – lucky thing!

I’m not feeling the love here. I do sort of her the soul swingy-ness of it, but it’s still boring. Is there anyone in this competition with less charisma and stage appeal than Anthony?

Oh, wait. Laura.

The udges said some stuff but I was asleep. ActonB said she quite liked it, so, maybe I’m just a cynical bint.

JD and Rhiannon are next with the Tango, and to my untrained eye it starts off ok, then gets a bit random and ends with the same step twice for no good reason. Apparently though, it was fourteen flavours of fucked up and Rhiannon is totally pissed when they come up to get their comments.

Mary and Matt and Bonnie are all ‘I felt for you! Poor dears! Woe is you!’

JD says he froze. And it’s all very serious and sad so I’m guessing that that whole same-move-twice thing was not because the Choreographer sucks?

Jason says JD let his partner down. Yeah. But in the results show JD just says he let himself down. And I don’t know who to believe any more.

Kate and Graeme draw Bollywood, but that suddenly becomes ‘Bollywood hip-hop’ in Choreography, because it’s Bollywood to Kelly Rowland! Get it? Kate comments in the package that she’s going through partners like underwear, and I hope the kids get that she’s talking about dance partners and not bed partners, because she’s not a big old slut at all.

I don’t have a lot to say about the routine. Jason sums it up best when he says it was two great dancers in an average routine. The judges can’t agree whether Kate and Graeme have a connection or not, but I think they’re reasonably cute. I’d vote for them if I voted and it was clear that Rhys and Jemma weren’t in any sort of danger.

So, that’s it. Eight routines. It didn’t feel like eight and I have to go back and count. But apparently is was.

To end the Show, Mary announces some more prizes for the winner of this whole thing: Dance lessons in the US! So our dancers have a chance to get half as good as Proper American Dancers! And tickets to a Broadway Show!

OMG! Everyone feigns excitement and the credits roll.

So, who wants a recap of the results show? Ok, just a quick, random one then, for our one reader! I have no notes, I’m juts using my remembery.

The proup dance is a jivey 50’s thing by Jason Gilkison, who is apparently God according to this show. It’s good, but a bit too similar to Kelly Abbey’s group routine a couple of weeks ago.

Nat spends a lot of time repeating things, and there are a lot of recaps, and then some repeating of what was in the recaps. I’d like her to pick different lines to quote when she recaps the recaps, so we don’t hear the same thing three times, but there you go.

Kate and Graeme and JD and Rhiannon are up first and both get safed. The contrast between the couples is rather telling: Kate and Graeme jump and whoop all over the stage in an infectious sort of excitement and yay usness! And Kate must be thinking it’s awesome she’s not kicked another boy out this week. JD and Rhiannon on the other hand look glary and sad. Especially Rhiannon, who was totally hoping for a competent partner next week.

Jason helpfully points out that JD and Rhiannon got through on sympathy vote and not, in case they’re totally deluded, because they didn’t suck. Yay Jason!

Next up, we have Jack and Demi, Steph and Marko and Anthony and Laura. Jack and Demi get safed, while everyone else gets bottom threed. Yay! Steph is going home tonight!

Finally, Rhys and Jemma get safed, while Henry and Vanessa and Camilla and Sernsah compete for the last safe spot, and – of course – Camilla and Sermah get it.

Everyone goes off to get ready to dance for their lives and the judges make boring, inane comments about who is in the bottom three and remind us that if we want out favourites to stay, we have to vote.

Ok, Solo time.

Laura is up first and she totally suck fifty-four kinds of arse. I could dance better, and come up with a more cohesive routine with my eyes closed and my feet tied together.

Anthony forgets that this is SYTYCDA and not a Manpower audition. I yawn. He has that effect on me.

Steph wears not a lot at all and shimmy’s all over the stage with her butt poking out.

Marko is all contempo-boy and does lots of lovely leaps and turns and bendy things, and I hope against hope that he gets to dance with a decent partner one day.

Vanessa does some Ballet. Good for her!

Henry shows off his newly waxed chest in a little vest and torn jeans, but thankfully this week she’s showing us his jive, which doesn’t involve any sort of hip manipulation at all, so I can just say that it’s sleazy and greasy.

The judges go off and deliberate, while some random rapper tries to boost his flagging career for my enjoyment. I go to the toilet instead.

When the judges come back, they do the girls first and right away make Vanessa safe. Now it’s down to Laura and Steph and I think they both suck, and so does everyone else probably including the judges, but Steph gets sent packing, and Laura walks off, happy in the knowledge that she will probably be gone next week.

Steph makes a speech about learning and growing and being blessed with opportunity and taking the positive away with her and then some more about learning and growing. It’s so rehearsed I almost feel sorry for the girl: imagine being that sure you’re going home that you hire a speechwriter.

Still: yay! She’s gone!

Next up are the boys. Jason rambles a bit about how it was not unanimous and how this competition is all about versatility and they need different styles and how they don’t want to end up with 10 jazz dancers, and so Henry is safe, just like JD was last week, because he’s a token ‘not-jazz’ dancer.

Jason then adds that Henry is also good. Which is more than he could say about JD last week.

So it’s down to Anthony who makes me sleepy, and Marko, who would probably be lovely if he wasn’t lumped with a dead weight as a partner. I suddenly realize that Marko is screwed either way: If he gets booted, he’s booted. If he doesn’t, he’s dancing with Laura next week – and I start to think that it’s best if he just gets booted and then goes out and finds himself a nice, talented girl to dance with.

And so he does. It’s the wrong call, really, because Anthony is boring and hasn’t got anywhere to go, while Marko could potentially do so much more. But it’s probably best for everyone.

And that’s it, except for a note that Steph appeared in MX this week saying that Jason was acting like the mean judge and obvoiously had it in for her, and that all the dancers still in the competition this week have commented about being sad and shocked that Marko went home, and exactly 0 of them have had anything to say about Steph.

Life’s a bitch, eh?

So you get something out of this being so late after all! See you next week (or … this week, depending on whether your calendar starts on a Sunday or a Monday …)!