So You Think I'll Snap And Make a Passive Aggressive Remark About The Lack Of Comments? Top Ten Show and Results!

So, this is it – top ten!!! New partners!! The power is in our hands!! Blah blah blah. And since everyone is doing a couple dance AND a solo, it’s going to be a loooooooooong night. Buckle up, three readers who never comment, this is going to be wild.

I never really know what to say about Natalie. Tonight she’s wearing some white fringed thing and calling Bonnie ‘Miss Bonnie Bling Bling Bling’ again, which makes me angry. Bonnie quotes the Black Eyes Peas ‘let’s get it on’ – which, dammit, I thought was one of those old soul guys, but what do I know? I’m just a girl.


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First up we have Jack and …. Vanessa!! Doing …. Contemporary!! There’s a lot of faux enthusiasm for the new partnerships and new styles, which aren’t really new. In their package, Vanessa says she’s not very technical. Whatevs.

The routine is your pretty typical twu wuv contemporary thing. What is with contemporary and twu wuv? Jack sells it though, and Vanessa is as ‘in her genre’ as she’s likely to get in the competition. Matt loved it. Bonnie thought it was wonderful. Jason calls Vanessa out for her ‘not a technical dancer’ comment, saying she is a technical dancer and she knows it before – oddly – criticizing her technique.

After the break, it’s Kate and Rhys! Which gives me tingles because they’re both awesome. There’s some lovely bits with Rhys hugging Jemma goodbye and being all ‘who’s going to tidy up your messy eyeliner?’ and awwww … so cuteness. I love Rhys. And I love Rhys and Kate, who are doing Hip Hop with Supple! Supple was in Mx last week and apparently he’s tops.

Whether he is or not, the routine is certainly better than the usual brand of Nacho Pop hip-hop we’ve been dealt so far. Rhys looks gorgeous in a loose suit and trainer combination, and Kate is hot, and they are hot and so very good and there are all these really intricate hand movements and they totally kill it with the awesome.

Nat calls it very cool. Matt says it was hot, which is fast becoming his catch-all. Bonnie says they were a good match and they’re great but Kate has Jazz face, which Jason disagrees with, because it was a Jazzy routine, so Jazz face was great. Bonnie is all ‘how dare you disagree with me boyfriend, talk to the hand!’ I wish Jason has given her an L for Loser, but he’s not five, so he just raves about the routine a bit and yay! Loved it! Yay!

And then the big surprise but not. Everyone is doing a solo! And they get to pick their own song but it has to be from a movie. At least they get help from a choreographer this time … so they might not all suck completely.

Henry is our first Solo-ist and he’s dancing to the score from 300. He’s shirtless (of course) but all painted up and wearing a big fuck-off cape which is cool but, um, keeps getting in the way of his legs so I can’t actually tell you if the dancing was any good because I couldn’t see most of it for all the cape fluttering. What I did see: meh.

Nat loves his abs. Matt liked it. Bonnie calls him ‘Hurricane Henry’ and I’m like ‘dude! We don’t get hurricanes. We get cyclones!’ Jason says he danced through the music and not to the music and says yeah a lot, which enrages Bonnie and she’s butting in left right and centre with her disagreement, but of course reassuring us that they’re great friends of-stage which I so don’t buy because why on earth would Jason want to hang out with Bonnie? Or Matt for that matter?

Matt for that matter. Try typing that three times fast.

Rhiannon’s solo is next, and she does her usual hip-hoppy thing with lots of little jogs around the stage (that or her trainers are super super bouncy). At least she pulled her pants up, I suppose.

Matt says a bunch of stuff including the word ‘yeah’ a lot, because he wants to be friends with Jason off stage too and he heard somewhere that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Bonnie asks her to smile. Blergh.

Jason says she was hot, and makes some vaguely intelligent comment about musicality again.

Anthony is next with the solo. Boooooooring. Booooooooooring. Booooooooring. He picks that ‘blowers daughter’ song that all the cool kids on reality TV are using these days, but uses the most boring bit of the whole song and stops just when it gets to anything remotely climax-like.

Matt doesn’t know if he likes it because it’s dancey, or doesn’t because it’s not tricksy. Bonnie says something. Jason wanted more light and shade. Drink!

To vote for Anthony … No. Don’t vote for Anthony. If I find out any of you have been voting for Anthony, I will be coming after you.

After the break we have Jemma, who jives to ‘Shake your Tailfeather’ and I so want her to be good but in the end it just reminds me of a bad high-school cheerleading audition and I’m so saddened because I can’t in any sort of good conscience send her a vote now. Also, she’s wearing Courtney’s solo outfit from Top 20 night, and this both offends and annoys me, because it’s fug.

Matt says it was lackluster, but it’s hard for her without a partner. Bonnie is ‘very disappointed’ and Jason loves her but basically says that she sucked.

Awww. She’s nearly crying and I want Rhys to run out and give her a big old hug and fix her eye make-up.

Demi’s new partner is Graeme, and he does the usual bonehead thing of picking the top genre card from the pile and draws contemporary, which makes him sad (and also Rhys and Jemma, apparently) because it’s his third contemporary routine and Australia is going to think he’s not very versatile.

Huh. And here I thought they were being nice to him with every single routine so far being in his genre. Maybe next time he’ll grow a pair and go for the card at the bottom of the pile. Fight fate, my lovelies! Fight fate!

Tonight Demi and Graeme have to do the gratuitous plug for the music downloading service using the shiny laptop from the shows sponsor (that, incidentally, I want. In red. But I feel dirty for wanting. Because of the pimping on the show. But how hot is it?) Note to the producers: It doesn’t work if the people doing the plug sound deliberately annoyed about doing it.

They’re doing a critters routine by Sarah Boulter. It’s very cute and hard not to like, despite the usual unison issues and Demi actually not killing it in nearly the same fashion as Graeme does.

After they’re done they crawl over to Natalie and she’s all freaking out. Cute! Or … not really.

Matt enjoyed it. Bonnie thought it was wow wow wow – as constructive as ever – and then she goes on about how hard it must have been … for Demi. Poor Graeme. Jason loved it, but again says that it must have been so hard …. For Demi. And then adds ‘Graeme, I can’t forget you here, because you danced that so well together’. So, in other words, ‘Graeme, I’m mentioning your name here because someone should, but I’ve not actually got anything to say to you.’

And I feel the rage boiling here because Graeme so outdanced Demi in that routine and I don’t care if it was in his genre, someone should still say it, like they do every other time someone in their genre outdances their partner.

Ok. Calm. Breathe. Breathe. Calm.

Vanessa. Solo. Very pretty but I can’t get up the caring.

Matt loved the light and shade, yeah? Bonnie says something about a genie. Jason is obviously pissed at the theft of the yeah and gets ¾ of the way through his critique (something about emotion and feeling and whatevs.) without letting one out, and then stumbles for a final yeah-count of two. Eh. It’s progress.

After the break, Nat plugs the new SYTYCD soundtrack, which … features the Rogue Traders, and her ‘Oh, get this … the Rouge Traders! I love them!’ would have been perfectly cute and acceptably glib if not for the fact that I was sitting here wondering how they got on the soundtrack despite not being used on the show ever.

Jack’s next doing a Mission-Impossible solo. And no, not a solo to the music from Mission Impossible, but a solo as though he’s in the movie. It’s pretty cute, but I don’t need no reminding of Tom Cruise during my favourite Reality TV show of 2008 so far.

Matt loved it but thought it might have been too literal. Bonnie loved it, and says he’s on a mission, but a possible one. Jason does a fake-out and is all serious like it was shit, but then says it was so entertaining and stopped the show and doesn’t say yeah once he’s so excited.

Hmmm … perhaps the yeah is bad? Perhaps the dancers should be sitting around backstage comparing yeah-counts. It’s a theory.

Kate does a solo to some song from the Bodyguard that at first sounds like ‘Gangsta’ by Bell Biv Devoe, which would be awesome, but is actually ‘Queen of the Night’ by Whitney Houston. Blergh.

It’s pretty good but I can’t get excited about it. Matt says she pwned it. Or owned it. Or whatever. Bonnie didn’t think she was the queen of the night, and it was mediocre and then she does a thing at the audience where she’s like ‘and you can’t boo me because that’s what I think’ – which is a) rude, because they can boo you because that’s what THEY think b) unnecessary, because no-one was really booing yet and c) so smug I want to punch her and d) annoying, because she does it instead of justifying WHY that’s what she thinks, which might actually be constructive. I hate Bonnie.

Jason loved bits of it and didn’t love other bits, but only gave her one yeah, so there goes my theory.

And how appropriate that they gave Camilla a Metamucil ad *insert ‘she certainly gives me the shits’ joke here*

Rhys is next, doing a routine to Born Slippy from Trainspotting and it’s very intense and full-on and fairly confronting for a family timeslot – very thematically Trainspotting – and I love it. I don’t love the hairy beige see-through jumper he’s wearing, but he’s Rhys, and I have to forgive him the fashion because it’s all part of the rich tapestry and he owns it.

Matt didn’t like it. Didn’t like the music. It icked him – and I’m thinking that was part of the point, so Matt is stupid. And maybe a big old homophobe too, which means he’s in completely the wrong line of work unless he’s content to only ever choreograph nubile young girls in mediocre Australian ‘hip-hop’ videos. Bonnie thought he could do better. Jason loved the top of it and thought the whole thing was very powerful and evoked emotion, so well done. The comments have very clearly been cut to shit because they don’t really make a whole lot of sense and they’re over in a flash and tomorrow night we’ll get recaps of a whole different set of comments, but let’s leave that for the results show recap for now and just all give Rhys a big old virtual hug.

*awww … so warm*

The brown hair jumper is a bit itchy though.

Jemma draws Anthony out of the Hat Of Evil and pretends to be happy about it. It’s not our night, Team Jemma. It’s really not. She’s much happier about getting a Cha Cha, and is all comfortable with the sexy dance now, not that Anthony could bring the sexy anywhere …

The routine is fine. I mean, Jemma’s bit is fine. I can’t say my eyes fell upon her dancing partner at any point during my original viewing.

Matt doesn’t think the routine was as strong as the music. Yeah x 2. Bonnie is all ‘Jemma did much better’. Jason tells her it’s not her night but calls her darlin’ a lot, because he loves her, but she’s sucking tonight and I know he’s trying to be nice, and I’m with him on everything he’s saying, but it just sounds so very patronizing.

Then he goes and calls Anthony beige and I’m pulling my Jason Coleman Fan Club membership out of the bin and holding it somewhere close to my heart once more. Sing it, my badly dressed older brother!

After the break – yeah, I know. This show, like this recap, is going forever – Graeme does a high energy solo to the fast bit out of Bohemian Rhapsody. And I get he’s trying to be versatile, but he’s just … not that great. And I like Graeme.

Matt says it showed what kind of dancer he was. Dynamic etc. Bonnie wanted more and better and for him to show his emotion – which, of course, he hasn’t done in the bazillion twu wuv routines he’s had so – oh, wait.

Jason got it, but thinks less is more. Jason is so sensible. Yeah?

And final, we’re up to our final solo for the night (not our final performance, mind you – but we have to be getting close) and it’s Demi! In pink pantaloons. It starts of cheesy and theatrical and ends up the usual hip-hop stylings and I don’t really love it. It’s too eisteddfod. God that word is so spelled wrong but Microsoft is INSTISTING. You know what I mean … high school. Cheesy. Lame.

Blergh.

Matt is all sunshine and positivity and tricks. Bonnie says journey and firecracker and a few other stupid words that don’t mean anything. Jason does an uh-oh, and calls her darling’, so you just know he thinks it’s shit. Which he does, of course. Because someone has to agree with me, yeah?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand then! It’s the last performance of the night! Finally. I’d be joyous but I know I’ve got a results show to recap tonight too … and that involves Delta Goodrem. So, frankly, I’d be happy if the performance show just kept going and going and going.

And going and going.

Rhiannon picks ……… guess who??? …. Henry!! Out of the hat, and I’m wondering why they’re all surprised, given, um, process of elimination and everything. Stupid show/dancers/something.

Anyway, they get Jazz, and Rhiannon is all ‘what does Jazz mean?’ and thinks it’s going to be jazz hands and cheese, which is completely dumb because a) I thought she was a jazz/hip-hop dancer, b) she’s already done two (2) jazz routines in this competition and c) even I know what Jazz is.

The thing is I suspect she’s serious. Dipstick.

And because life sucks balls, they get Kelly Abbey, which is so not fair. I want Rhys to get Kelly Abbey. Alas for the viewing public, it’s this seasons obligatory death dance. It’s the unwritten rule of SYTYCD that there must be a death dance every season. It must be all deep and angsty and involve the choreographers own backstory and make the cynics groan.

On the brightside, Kelly Abbeys death dance shits all over Mia Michaels ‘dance like stupid four-year-olds’ death dance. I’m still all for renaming this show ‘So You Think You Can Dance Kelly Abbey Choreography?’ despite this minor fall from awesome funness.

I’d tell you what the judges said, but I’m too distracted by Henry and his constant sobbing during the feedback. And by sobbing I mean heavy-breathing and eye rubbing, and a glorious moment where he wipes his nose with his finer and rubs it on Rhiannons head. Aw. That, there, my readers, is the start of a beautiful friendship. But I’m guessing that because they can hardly say otherwise, they’re going to say it’s awesome.

And that’s why I hate the death dance. No judge is ever going to say anything bad. None. Except maybe Vyle Sandypants. But really, do we want him anywhere near our dear show? No.

And now that I’ve sullied it, that was the performance show. Awesome, yeah? Yeah.

Stay tuned, because the results show recap is up right after the break.

Line break, I mean.

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Group dance. Hip hop. Sigh. Why must there be so many freaking hip-hop group dances? And it’s not even by super special choreographer Supple – it’s just another Nacho Pop thing. Nappy-time.

Natalie is in red tonight and looking a little overexcited for a results show. She looks cuter than Jason though, who is wearing a vomit-patterned shirt unbuttoned a little too low.

First up we have the girls. And the way this will work is that two of them will be in ‘the bottom four’, and everyone in ‘the bottom four’ will do a dance that doesn’t mean anything (filler, ok …. We need to get our hours worth of show) and then one boy and one girl will get the boot, based on the votes.

Demi is first and she gets the whole recap package but not – yay! – Natalie recapping the recap package (which then involves me recapping the recap of a recap … it’s too early for this). Demi is safe, obvs.

Jemma and Kate get recapped next. And of course Jemma is in the bottom four, which makes me sad, but not as sad as if it were both of them.

After the break, it’s down to Rhiannon and Vanessa, and curiously, they recap Jason criticizing Rhiannon’s death dance with Henry, which I’m pretty damn sure we didn’t see last night. Stupid show.

These two get to get some judging feedback and Matt says Vanessa will be in the bottom four, so of course it’s Rhiannon. I’d like to think she was going home but – unlikely. Poor Jemma.

And then it’s right onto the boys (after the break, of course). Rhys is first up and most of his recapped comments weren’t screened last night – both negative and positive. Odd. Odd. Odd.

And self-indulgent, eh? It’s a freaking solo. What happened to ‘dance for yourself!’

Say it with me kids – Stupid show.

Rhys is safe and hugs everyone and nearly mounts Henry and then hugs Nat and he’s the cutest little excited possum ever, even with the blue and green make-up that looks like he dipped the top of his head into a fluorescent fishtank and it left a stain.

Jack and Anthony are next. Nat reminds Anthony that Bonnie thinks he’s great and asks if Australia agrees. No, they don’t, she continues. How awkward. And funny! Poor Anthony. Or, not really. So Jack is safe, which – in a fake-out of editing or a vulnerable moment screened for no good reasons – doesn’t seem to please Rhys, and Anthony is going home in the bottom two.

Then it’s Henry and Graeme. And I know who I want in the bottom four, and we know who Bonnie wants – Graeme, because she and I will never be on the same team – but, in true Idol fashion, we’re going to have to wait until after the break to find out that it’s Graeme and I lose and Bonnie wins yet again.

And then we get the obligatory judges feedback, and Jason does the ‘if you like your dancers, you have to vote for them’ plug for Legion Interactive, and Natalie plugs the Idol Auditions and the Delta Goodrem performs and plugs her new album – which from this random sample is a bit pile of shite.

Not that we’re surprised. But, even for Delta, this is badness. It has shades of that Paris Hilton song – that’s how bad it is. And is why I love the Fast Forward button.

After that shocking display, each of the bottom four get to do a solo, for no good reason really except to fill up some time and show us what we might be missing. Jemma seems resigned to going home, and when even Natalie calls her darlin’ and tells her she loves her you know it’s a foregone conclusion. Poor dear.

Anthony’s solo is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, and followed up by Rhiannon’s usual brand of bouncy hip-hop in low cut pantzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and then Graeme shows us his hip-hopping moves and I do like him and his bumbling nervousness in the post-solo interview afterwards.

After the break, we finally, finally get to the eliminations, and Jemma is going home, which makes Nat all emotional, because she probably thinks Rhiannon is a whingy brat too. Her package is lovely, but then she talks about not giving up and a whole bunch of stuff and it reminds me of my first impression of her in the Top 20 revealed show. And she thanks Brendan, who auditioned with her, but not Rhys who – let’s face it, Darlin’ – got her this far.

And then it’s the boys, and it’s Anthony. Surprise surprise. And yay! Finally.

I wish I could tell you what his package and everything were like, but I just don’t care enough to put myself through the whole thing again. If you want to know what he said, and what the judges said, get the video. He does, I will note, tell everyone at home that if they’re interested in dance, to take lessons. NOT, of course, because he has a dance school whose enrollments have doubled since this show started, but because he’s a nice guy like that.

And I won’t hear anything different, k?

And that’s it folks. Except that behind Nat’s natter, I keep seeing Rhys lined up to hug Jemma while she ignores him and hugs everyone – anyone - else, and it makes me sad. If that’s how it’s going to be, then that’s how it’s going to be, but suddenly, I’m very very glad I didn’t vote for her.

See you next week! Or, maybe we can lure ActonB out of retirement?