So You Think You Can Dance And Recap At The Same Time? Top 14!

Yeah, me again. Making up for the lateness of last week by pulling a marathon all-nighter and brining you this recap before you've even had a chance to wonder when it's going up. Nah, not really. I just didn't want to go to bed.

Well, it’s top 14 night, which is kind of all kinds of cool. And less people who we see every week to introduce us to.

Nat’s wearing some sort of black sequined thing that is kinda too short, or too tight or too baggy or something and she looks a little awkward in it – which might be the ridiculously high platforms squishy-looking shoes making her knees knock together. Her hair is inoffensive, but I’m kinda wishing she’d brushed it.

The judges are looking dapper – mostly because Jason’s shirt seems buttoned up past mid-chest, and Bonnie had put her tuckshop lady arms away. Matt still looks 14, but there’s not really much he can do about that. I’m starting to wonder what’s under the hat though?

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Shaved head, maybe?

Rhys and Jemma are first tonight and they’re doing hip-hop – Dancehall to be precise, which is Jamaican hip-hop. Rhys is all into it, right down to a cute little sideways baseball cap for rehearsals, while Jemma is freaking out, because she’s all sweet and shy and virginal and stuff.

Nat calls them Ghetto Fabulous and the routine starts with Jemma hanging upside down by her hips from Rhys’ waist and pulsing her butt at us. Virginal it aint. There’s lots of ‘we’re having sex’ gesturing, and it is hip-hop, but I do quite like it. Jemma looks like those hip-hops girls from Blacktown with the big earrings and the hair pulled back so tight you wonder how they don’t have a headache. Rhys calls her Jemma from the Block. Heh. See? Rhys and I are on the same wavelength.

Matt likes it but thinks it needs more energy. Bonnie thinks it had plenty of energy and that the opening was sizzling. She asks if they had a candlelit - for those who missed it, this is a reference to a random comment she made last week about Graeme and Kate going for a candlelit dinner to get connected. Rhys says he stayed for breakfast. Squee.

Jason is still blushing, but loved it. He thought Rhys was really blokey. Yay for blokey gay boys!

After the break, we get a recap of the new prizes. And I still can’t believe they get tickets to a broadway show – it’s so ... I could go buy those for myself.

Jack and Demi get Rumba, which they didn’t want. They’re like brother and sister, which the choreographer doesn’t want, because they – gasp! – have to be in love!

They do the routine to Father Figure by George Michael, which is one of those squicky semi-incesty type songs that I always find kind gross, because it’s all about the sex, but he’s trying to be someone’s father figure. Their routine seems really short or boring or ... something. It’s lusty and romantic, but the song is distracting and I just want it to be over – and then it is.

Matt likes that they’re not fun this week, but that they don’t have a connection. He thinks they’re brother-sister, but I think that, you know, with the squicky incest music, that doesn’t *not* work. Ew. Sorry.

Bonnie liked Demi’s dress. And you know you’re not going to get a great review when Bonnie’s resorting to commenting on the clothes. She doesn’t think they were in love. Jason is wearing bright pink and it’s distracting, but he makes sense again – they weren’t very musical, and they were flat-footed because they’re not wearing shoes, which he’s all blaming the choreographer. Demi pipes up and admits she was the one who chose not to wear shoes. Silly girl – hush!

Also distracting: Jason’s jacket that he stole from those Micheal Jackson-styled extras in Beverly Hills Cop. The 80’s are over dude! OVER!

Next up are Anthony and Laura, so I curl up for a nap. AND they’re doing contemporary, so I’m asleep already.

Surprise surprise, they’re supposed to be in tortured wuv. Is there a contemporary routine anywhere that isn’t about tortured love or death? But of course Anthony is adding in jumps, because that’s what Anthony does … jumps.

And – aw – they’re dancing to Avril Lavigne – which kind of excuses Laura’s wannabe-Avril outfit. She’s … crap. And can’t stop smiling, which makes the angsty couple thing kinda weird. Anthony doesn’t register on my radar at all, so I can’t tell you what he did.

Matt says it was ordinary, and when the crowd boos he does this very ineffective-student teacher ‘hey, thank you!’ at them. Bonnie is confused. Laura says it was a fun routine and Anthony says they tried really hard – they went to their rehearsals and everything. Diddums. Jason didn’t get it either and thinks Laura is a pretty crap dancer who can’t even do a double turn when other people can do six or seven, and that she’s not sexy. Amen to that.

And then he criticizes the choreographer again, and explains why he likes to diss choreographers. I like it too, but not because I'm trying to build the dancers up, but because it’s fun.

Camilla and Sermsah are up after the break and doing hip-hop, again. This week: It’s a graffiti romance!

Which means that so far Sermsah has been a thief, a convict and now a graffiti artist – and I hate conspiracy theories and I don’t ask why they keep making Rhys dance all blokey when he’s actually quite comfy in womens clothes, but what is with that? Surely there’s some other, nicer, less criminal type character you can give the aboriginal dancer to explore?

It’s better than their last hip-hop, but they’re dancing to that overplayed ‘just the way you are’ song that was in the Gossip Girl pilot so I immediately start thinking about Gossip Girl and tuning out of this routine. In summary, it’s ... Ok.

Matt loses all brownie points by asking Camilla to speak. And speak she does, at length and with all the inflections of great wisdom but none of the insight, which makes me sad.

Bonnie is all sighy. She’s been sighing a lot lately and I’m wondering if someone asked her to be meaner, and she’s struggling with actual criticism. Jason thinks Camilla is great, which makes her say ‘thank you’ and nod about seven times in thirty seconds, and then crisicised Sermsah’s partnering. I half expect Camilla to pipe up like she has every week and tell them how much she likes Sermsah and how he’s a great partner and blah blah blah, but she doesn’t, so maybe she agrees with him.

Vanessa and Henry are up after the break and he’s had a haircut. Yay … or … not. Henry works better for me as unattractive as possible. On the plus side, Vanessa is coming out of her shell and I can bear listening to her now. Especially when she says Henry’s hair ‘makes him look cool! ... Not, um, that he wasn’t cool before!’

They’re doing an African Samba by Jason Gilkison and it’s all very dramatic and animal and leapy and starts without music, which is the new black, according to God Jason Gilkison. Sadly for me, Henry gets the hips out. Vanessa actually vaguely fierce, and luckily doesn’t end up face-planting the floor.

Everyone love love loves it and there’s lots of clapping. The judges love them, but not as much as they love Jason Gilkison, who would so win if this was So You Think You Can Choreograph? I, personally, think he’s a bit over-rated, but when he’s on, he’s on.

Yes, I am a dance expert, obvs.

After the billionth break for the evening, we have Graeme and Kate doing a contemporary routine. They went out for a candle-lit dinner, which is lucky because – surprise (again) – it’s tortured love!

Of all the girls, Kate strikes me as the most fun to go for cocktails with. Which means I like her.

They’re dancing to Fix You by Coldplay and it is all very tortured and angsty and emotional and I really like it despite myself. It … makes sense. I’m not saying that I would get the ‘one member of the relationship is needy and it’s starting to fuck everything up’ thing without being told – although I might - but because they did tell me, it made sense. There was no moment of ‘… and how does what they just did show that in any way whatsoever?’ which is what I usually get out of contemporary. Or maybe that’s just when Anthony and Laura are doing it.

Matt thought it was awesome. Bonnie comments on the candle-lit dinner (again), and asks if they booked a room. So I wonder if they’re the secret sytycd COUPLE couple. And if so … AWKward. Graeme’s girlfriend is going to be pissed.

Jason thinks it was the best contemporary routine in the competition so far. Jason loved it loved it loved it loved it loved it loved it.

Yay! But do you think he liked it?

Last but (maybe) not least we have Rhiannon and JD, who want hip-hop but get Jazz. They do this cute thing where Rhiannon has to drag JD kicking and screaming into rehearsal. They’re struggling in their package, obviously, but don't they all? There's never a package where everyone's like 'We've nailed it. No problem!'. But, you know, it's different because they fucked it last week, so the pressure is on.

They do this top-hat-and-tails thing and it’s not great, but they don’t cock it up completely (although, she who didn’t notice the cock-up actually thought they did at one point), and so they’re totally giddy and amazed at the end. Wow! Imagine how excited they would be if they actually did a routine *well*!

Matt thought they did fine. Bonnie babbles about something or other, and I think she had some of Marcia Hines’ crack, because she gets about halfway through four different sentences and doesn’t finish a single one. Jason thinks they did good, but their unison was a bit crap at times.

I get distracted suddenly by a full-length shot of Nat – holy crappers, Batman! That’s not a dress! That’s a onesie! A black, shorty, glittery playsuit!

That, or she’s wearing big black dancer undies.

And … that’s pretty much the show. My picks to go are Laura and either Anthony, JD or Sermsah. But Camilla can go too, if they want to put us out of our misery and take it straight to top 10.