SESA Mailbag #237

Dear Channel Ten,

Back in August of last year, you impressed us all with the news that you would be 'fast-tracking' House - meaning that you would be showing it 'fresh off the satellite' a bit under a week after it screened in the US, instead of what you usually do, which is holding shows that start in the US in September for the start of our ratings year, the following February.

You were doing this for us, you said. We knew you were in fact doing this to try to slow the spread of downlaoding biting into your ratings, but still, we were appreciative. Better than nothing, right?

And then the writers went on strike, and House (and Life, and Journeyman, and Supernatural, and all the other shows you were 'fast-tracking') close up production and you were left with the opening of a ratings season with no new episodes of anything (except, oddly, for two episodes of Life you never screened, for some reason that no-one understands). And it sucked for you.

But here's the bit you may not have heard: the writers strike is over. It ended MONTHS ago. David Shore and the House team went back into the studio and produced four of their best episodes yet to wrap up the season.

The second part of the two-part season finale aired in the US a week ago. It was awesome and involving and sad and gripping and filled with OMFGoodness in spades.

To date, you have aired one new episode. After running a brief but intense 'House is Back!' campaign, you aired one new episode, before resuming the steady diet of repeats we've been fed for months now.

So, what happened to the fast-tracking?

I mean, it doesn't matter to me - I've seen everything you're not showing me now, and even if you decided to get your arse into gear, I still wouldn't bother watching. And I dare say I'm not the only one who's given up on your shit to get their TV when they want it.

(You could pass that last bit onto messers Nine and Seven, who have the rights to Pushing Daisies, Gossip Girl and Chuck, but see no reason to air them ...)

It's a bit of a shame for all of you, really. I'm a good little consumer and in your target demographic, but I am no longer buying what you are selling. And I love television of all kinds, and will happily spread the word, both to my real life friends and all over the interweb - if I see something worth watching.

The thing is this: I have no wish to be a downloader. There is a little part of me that would rather not do it. Unfortunately, I am also a citizen of cyberworld, and as such, I'm somewhat compelled. The watercooler that I gather around to discuss my favourite TV shows is no longer in the corner of my office - it's in my computer and all over the world. And sadly, it just doesn't cut it out here if you're six months behind - nor will the fans in the US and UK think not to discuss the surprise death in the season finale all over the internet just because some suckers in Australia haven't seen it yet and don't wish to be spoiled.

And to that, you could tell me that I could just stay away from the various websites that are most likely to spoil me, and hold off on my discussion, or limit it to the lameness that is The Tribal Mind. But that's not really likely to help when YOU are just as likely to spoil me as anyone else. Remember when Marissa Cooper died? Remember those weeks of promos you ran advising me to watch the lead-up to the season finale in which Marissa Cooper will die!!!

Because that was meant to be a SURPRISE. We weren't meant to know about it until it happened. If you'd fast-tracked the show a) you wouldn't have been able to run weeks of promos spoiling us all and b) we might have had a chance to actually be shocked.

So, no, I can't just stay off the internet for the months between when they air it and when you air it. I have to stay off the network instead.

Or I could just download it. And sure, I might feel a little bad about it, but it's better than the alternative. And once I start downloading it, what do you think the chances are that I'll ever stop and come back to you? Seriously.

No longer yours,

Chesty LaRue

More Big Brother gruel

Heh. Nathan was funny on last night's Big Mouth. I was only slightly annoyed by his gayness, and actually kind of impressed with some of his comments, which by the way far outstripped Rebecca Wilson's in both relevance and incisiveness.

But other than that, what a boring piece of shit show. I am convinced that it's not just because the housemates this year are kind of prudish (... well, compared to previous housemates), but because the show is now exceptionally afraid of being criticised in this post-turkey slap world. The only evidence I have to support this view is that they censored Terri's graphic description of unsavoury porn. Why did they do that? That's so pissweak. Anyway, if they censored that, then they MUST also be editing out some of the truly hilarious shit.

In other news, the Nathan and Renee thing is gross. Why is she all put off by how he is 'out of her league'? Newsflash, if you consider a 27 year old bald virgin to be out of your league, you need to work on your self esteem a little bit. How the hell does anyone manage to stay a virgin for so long, anyway?

The eviction the other night was so stupid - WE WERE SO CLOSE TO LOSING TRAVIS!! The despair was palpable when Rebecca opted to save him. In doing so, she pushed herself into the field of potential evictees, and in the end made the decision to give herself the boot. This would have been a classy way to leave the house, if it weren't for the fact that she wants to get a spread in one of those trashbag men's magazines. Yuck - do any men find these bitches attractive at all, or is it just about the posturing and bravado that ogling fake-titted bitches with bad hair affords them? Either way, you people sicken me.

A quick note about Bianca: she's a sour bitch who doesn't fit and serves no purpose whatsoever. The faux-intellectualism got on my nervese when Corey was in the house, and now that she doesn't have a target for her confected righteous indignation she's split it thirteen ways and is annoying EVERYONE, and in turn, me. I've never seen her do anything but bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

A quick note about Travis: has anyone else noticed that he likes to hug people... like, a lot? And his hugs are always kind of awkward. It's hard to describe, but he goes in for a bear hug or something, and to the other person it's just an ordinary man hug, so he ends up hanging on too long. Gah, trust me, it's annoying. Another thing I've noticed is that he always - ALWAYS - does this stupid arm-dance booty shake-esque move, usually as a kind of happy dance. It was popular in 2001, if I recall. Again, it's hard to describe, but if you've watched BB as much as I have you will have noticed this too.

A quick note about Travis' mum: Lady, if you have to go on television to personally attest to your adult son's staunch heterosexuality, chances are you are suffering a severe case of denial. I had a bad case of denial myself, until the lacrosse team stuck a pine cone up my ass (note: Billy Madison reference).

Finally - Big Brother is becoming quite dull.

FYI

Gossip Girl:

You NEED to watch this show...

That is all...

Die, Carson Kressley, die.*

Big Brother

Carson Kressley is going into the house tonight, so naturally I've stocked up on razor blades and drawn a nice, hot bath, and am all prepared. I hope he doesn't try to molest Corey -- you know how homosexuals can't control their filthy predilections around vigorous young go-getters like that. And anyway, I barsed him first. I thought I might challenge him to a handstand competition, after which we'd fall in a pile on the floor, and we'd laugh jovially and my hand would come to rest on his leg, and it'd be awkward for a second, and then he laughs, and I laugh, and we lean in for a kiss...

Yes, I am a thirteen year old girl hopped up on Dolly magazines.

God, now I've forgotten what I was going to bitch about, besides Carson Kressley. Well, the eviction last Sunday revealed several HUGE weaknesses in the new'n'improved sans Gretel Big Brother format, not the least of which was the obvious confusion with the names of housemates being regurgitated back into the house via the revolving door. That sucked. The actual evictee was totally deserved - Saxon just irks me. Even before this season started I commented privately that he looked a bit Crabbe/Goyle-ish and possibly missing a chromosome or two, which I never publicly articulated because I thought it was overly mean, even for a big bitching queen like me. But he is everything that I thought, and more. I don't buy for a second that he just happened to change just like that his former racist tendencies.

I cannot believe that I missed the first half of Big Mouth. I think I need a planner or something. Or, you know, a little innovation called TiVo. You know TiVo - it's that thing you heard about from that episode of Sex and the City but which has never actually made its way to the southern hemisphere for no good reason at all. We are so backward here in Australia that the computer I'm typing this on is actually just a typewriter that I connected to the internet using popsticks, pipecleaners and Klag clue. The pipecleaners are mostly for aesthetic value.

What I did manage to see of Big Mouth seemed more of the same as last week, only this time Rory seems to have gotten his dick out. There was a time when I would surreptitiously salivate over this late at night when I was fourteen or so, but that time has well and truly passed. What a disappointing package. Paul wasn't on the panel, which is just a fraction of the total number of changes they needed to make, but I'm hoping that Rebecca Wilson is next. Chrissie is officially my favourite panelist, I've decided. Does anyone remember when Chrissie was in the house in 2003, and someone behind the mirrors made some remark about her being fat, which she heard, and there was this whole investigation and the person responsible was fired (or reprimanded or something)?

The Catherine Tate Show

In one of my more recent drafts for this blog I bitched about the ABC's decision to air this absolutely Brit-larious show at the patently ridiculous time of 11.20pm on a Friday night, right after Lateline. I made some sarcastic comment about how Lauren Cooper and Tony Jones go together as well as Anthony Callea does with a fist - don't quiz me on that one 'cause I'm still baffled. Anyway - I learned recently that ABC is airing the new (I hope) series at the normal time of Wednesday night at 9.30pm. Yay!

UPDATE: ... but I didn't get to see it tonight because SOMEBODY interfered with my DVD recorder. We'll see who stands in the way of me and my inappropriate use of office equipment!

* Er, it's German, for "the Carson Kressley, the".

Sweet, nourishing Big Brother gruel.

Big Brother.

Corey is a bigger moron than I thought. A condition of Terri's return to the house as a housemate is that she keeps Corey into line, and since a good portion of the housemates don't really want her back, what do they do? They convince Corey to act like a shit. At one point he was actually hiding from her, and when Travis asked him why he was doing it, he said - and I quote - 'I dunno, they told me to do it.' More than being a complete moron, he's allowed himself to be a pawn. Well done Corey, you obviously couldn't cultivate an original thought if your life depended on it.

I suppose my exasperation at this is that I have come to like Terri. I really feel sorry for her, especially when I saw Nobbi do his spectacularly immature tantrum on the announcement of her return to the house. It was like an episode of Jerry Springer - that beep lasted about two straight minutes last night. Seriously Nobbi, she HAD to pick one person, and you happened to be one of the people who voted to evict her, so be a grown-up and suck it the fuck UP. Crybaby.

And anyway, despite her wayward political views (which, honestly, we haven't even heard about once) I think she's a good person. When the new housemates and Corey stood up to introduce themselves, I immediately hated all of them. One guy, who I believe is the hardcore rocker guy, stood up and said "I've been clean for eleven years, I don't drink or smoke". Uh huh. And this is the most interesting thing that you could come up with to introduce yourself? Not doing drugs doesn't make you a loser, but acting like it's in any way interesting DOES make you a loser. But no, Terri actually said something about her upbringing and her family and some of her relationships, and I liked her for it. So I think that it's vastly unfair of Nobbi and others to a) actively encourage Corey to act up; and b) to just stand back and watch her flounder in her mission. It's cowardly and it's mean, and it doesn't make for good television.

Jacob no like. Baaaad medicine.

PS. Corey? Your hair SUCKS. You look like every faggot blonde twink I have ever met. Just bone your boyfriend already.

Big Mouth

Pissed me off. Too much talking, not enough raw footage from the house. I would have preferred to see the lead-up to, and the fallout from, Rory's confrontation with Travis about his sexuality. Instead we had to listen to Rebecca Wilson making an embarrassment of herself and Tony Squires desperately trying to revive his television credentials. The former seemed very uncomfortable, and her observations on the house bordered on the total obvious at some points, and completely inaccurate on other points. As for it being rated MA15+, well, I think that if you count Nobbi's stereotype-enforcing dick (and gross pubes!) or brief talk of anal sex as MA15+ material, then you... need to go outside a bit more. The first half was pretty much the panel gasbagging, and a slightly shorter recap of everything we had already seen in the daily show.

But talk about too many cooks spoiling the broth! Uncut doesn't work as a panel show, and with FIVE people all trying to butt in it gets awesomely tedious. Rebecca Wilson does not need to be there, Tony Squires could potentially be replaced with Mike Goldman just for a little bit of consistency with the rest of the BB franchise, and maybe get rid of the other three. I didn't actually mind Chrissie, Paul and Tim's input, but as I said already, too much blah blah-ing and not enough of what we really want to see and hear. Dirty smut and gratuitous nudity, blessed be.

Tim Brunero, you have commented on my blog once after I mentioned you, which suggests that you take on board what petty bloggers like myself say, so please can you address some of the issues enumerated above with your producers?

PS. Ben was SO lying when he said he'd had sex with six different people. The uuummmmm was a dead giveaway. Going by the theory expounded in some teen movie that I can't quite remember what it was called, women always divide by three the number of sex partners they have actually had, and guys always multiply by three the number of sex partners. Which means he's had two sex partners, which, at his age, isn't bad to just come out and admit.

So You Think I Can Be Finishing With The Recapping Now? The Finale ... All 2.5 hours of it.

Right-o. There’s no time for faffing about. No time for philosophical musings or witty intros. We have over two hours of show to get through – let’s hope most of it is fast-forwardable, or we’re going to be here for a looooooong time.

Oh, and I'd like to apologise for the lateness of my recap. I know we've all moved on to Big Brother and The Biggest Loser finale and forgotten about our special little show, and I feel so bad about letting it get to Friday night before I finished this. What can I say? Busy week. So if I can ask you to cast your mind back to the excitement that was last Sunday night, just for a few minutes/4,040 words (excluding this paragraph), then that would be great. Sorry for any inconvenience caused ... Hugs!

And also – grand finale! Yay!

We open with shots of the top four talking over their top 48-solos, and then some other recapping of auditions and top 100 week – and mostly Jason’s horrible hair, and a quite from Camilla and Courtney (oh! Hi Courtney! You won’t get to do a partner dance later so I’ll say hi now … in case we don’t see you again.) and then all the shows – in short, the recaps are here. If you missed any of this, go read them.

I'll wait.

read the rest

Not surprisingly, since this is the grand finale and we’re all about recapping the whole thing, we’re going to get some Potbelleez with our recapping. For old-times sake.

And then we finally open on a top 20 number. The camera starts on Courtney and the ‘dance flicks’ through to all our friends we’ve lost along the way, before everyone joins in. Oh, and it’s to that Rhianna song from Auditions. Awesome. And I thought I’d never ever have to hear it again.

But of course because it’s the finale it’s not *just* about the top 20. Because here’s Bonnie and Jason Gilkinson, with a little Ballroom interlude. Maybe she should have stuck to high-kicks and kept her mouth shut. And here’s Nacho Pop! Poptacular! And now look, it’s Matt and Jason – and all their gay gay glory - and Kelly Abbey, who is pretty hot for … however old she is. And finally in her rightful place – with the other judges.

And then the top four come out and they’re wearing glittery bits and aw … I love them all. But mostly Rhys (who rocks the shirtless cuffs) and then mostly Kate (who should avoid glittery black pants, by the way) and then mostly Jack and then … not so much Demi. But she’s ok.

Although the Kate/Jack thing is close. If not for the Jack pimpery of the last few weeks, it’d probably be a dead heat.

As for Our Nat, well, she murdered an ostrich and a drag queen and made herself a little dress! And she’s still calling Bonnie ‘bling bling bling’. Some things will never improve.

Bonnie takes the opportunity that everyone else took to say nice things about the dancers to thank us for taking her into our hearts and making her feel so welcome. Oh. I guess she hasn’t been reading the fora then … Now I feel guilty for all my blind raging hatred.

Except not. Shut up Bonnie.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #1. Bonnie. Except for the fun-making potential.

So now it’s time for a recap of the auditions. A proper one, not just an opening one. So many memories. So many tears. So much happy. And look. There was footage of Kate’s audition. Still … not very much, but it was there. Pity we couldn’t have seen it before …

And then it’s back to Nat and she’s all random and ‘wow! So many memories! I remember Caleb most of all!’ and we’re all like ‘Who the fuck is Caleb, but thanks for sharing!’

Now it’s time for some tap by the tap dogs and tap pups and it’s all very cute but I’m writing this at 6.45 in the am so the tapping is giving me a migrane. It’s one noisy dance-style, innit? But cute. With the little kid tappers.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #2. The stupid Flake ad.

Then it’s time for a proper recap of top 100 week. I feel like I’ve seen this before … oh. Wait. I have. And here’s Kate again! I love how now she’s top four they’re making out like she was there all along …

Oh! It’s greasy dirty Will who used to be such a sweet boy! And shut up Camilla.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #3. Camilla.

And then we get the bit where Jason tells Rhys he loves how different he is and Rhys says he doesn’t hear that very often and I get all teary. Wasn’t that beautiful television, kids?

And then it’s time for more Dancing. This time it’s hip-hop, with Khaly (Um?) and hip-hop dancers from the Top 100. And look how many of them there are! The costumes are all cool are futuristic but …

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #4. All the freaking Hip-hop.

I suppose they’re giving Khaly (Don’t pretend you don’t remember him. Pierced guy. Short. Crap.) this dance because his only partner dance was so shit and they’d have to show how horrible they were to Kate by pairing her with someone so much shorter and crappier than her.

After the break, there’s yet another reminder of the voting numbers. Ok, who in the voting public still doesn’t know that you sms the name of the person you like to 191010? And not just because I told you? It’s … really not that hard. And it’s the same number (or thereabouts) for all the Channel Ten shows.

Then we have some dancing from Jamie Elliot. Aw. More cute boy dancing. I’m getting a very strong ‘boys! Dancing is cool!’ public service announcement from this show, and I’m thinking my son – if I ever have one – will be learning to dance. I want him to feel the sting and humiliation of being a boy dancer on every one of life stages but this one. And maybe win me 200,000 one day.

After that, Natalie explains to us (as though it still matters) how we used to kick people out during the first half of the top 20. And … recap! All those eliminations. Jason looking pensive and serious. JD crying because he can’t dance. Oh! Marko! I liked Marko. Why did they make him dance with that … wench? And once more, with a backing vocal:

SHUT UP CAMILLA!!

Why do they keep showing her talk?

Now it’s time for a Top 10 routine. Aw. Jack is tapping. And … there’s a stupid black big brother ad running across the bottom of the dancing. Thanks Channel Ten.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #5. The craptacular camera work.

The routine is pretty cool, but it’s so very clearly a Nacho Pop-influenced routine. Blergh.

(See things I will not miss about SYTYCD #4.)

Nat takes the opportunity to tell us that a) the voting lines are closed. Eh. I’m actally impressed at the total absence of any sort of Jackpimping that has gone on. Nice work, show and b) The top ten will be touring. Oh. My. God. ActonB, we are so there! And c) that the ultimate breathtaking moment was from Rhys and Kate’s … Rumba?

Wow. Way to fit too much information into one little segment there, writers.

After the break, another reminder of the crapness of the prizes that all the runners up will get. Hardly seems fair, does it?

And then … recap! Top ten to top four. Which is awesome because there’s no quotes from Camilla. We end with a shot of the top four and a cool top four dance routine (which the cynic in me suspects is one of the first live performances we’ve seen tonight … given these are the outfits these guys were wearing in the little grab from backstage they threw into the last 10 minutes of The Biggest Loser). It’s pretty awesome. If this show has taught me anything – and it hasn’t taught me much – it’s that if you want to make a routine hot, just … add a chair.

Or four.

And Rhys. If you can’t get the chair.

After that visual feast, the top four go over to Natalie to get made into three. She tries to make it very clear that she’s going to reveal the top three, not the winner, except then she says that Jack is safe, so – you know – she’s a liar. Natalie then says it’s time to reveal the two top dancers, and calls Kate which is – again – a lie. Or … Something. I’m so confused right now. For someone who started this whole thing off by wanting to make things clear, she’s certainly not doing that.

So it’s down to Rhys and Demi. And of course Rhys is safe, because that’s just the least suspenseful elimination since that time they kicked out Laura. Strangely though, I still felt a little bit ill in the moment before they called his name. This is nervewracking, y’all. You don’t understand.

Anyway, all that means that Demi came fourth. If she was a boy, she wouldn’t have made the top twenty, but because she’s a girl and I can’t really think of many girls that sucked less than her, I guess I’ll deal. Her recap is all about her journey from b-girl to girl-who-sometimes-dances-in-heels. Or barefeet, even. Sadly, they show Bonnie’s ‘You Are Woman’ brain snap and the whole world winces.

Jason tells Demi she’s awesome. And what else is he going to say? Bonnie … makes us all wince again by asking Demi to sign an essay to her sister about how she is Demi and she is great and she can dance and blah blah blah and even Demi winces and totally fudges it.

Matt kicks Bonnie under the table for making it that he doesn’t have time to speak, and we go to commercial break. Hopefully Bonnie takes the chance to have a good long think about how inane she is.

After the break, it’s time for the top 20 dancers to perform some of the most memorable dances from the show. And first up is … Marko and Stephanie’s punk Jive to The Veronicas, which Matt introduces with an internal wince. Don’t worry Matt, we don’t really think you consider this memorable for being anything but … bad.

Although I do wish Marko had gone further. He’s lovely and I kind of adore him – more for the fact that he reminds me so very much of an old friend than anything else, but still … Hearts for Marko.

Camilla and Sermsah are up next with their martial arts thingamy. Now, I was a lone voice in calling this mediocre last time, and I probably will be again, but this is mediocre. And … not even nearly as good as last time. I wonder if Camilla and Sermsah realised they’d have to dance together again when they went around bagging each other out after being elimintated all those weeks ago?

Please don’t let Camilla talk. Please don’t let Camilla talk. Please don’t let – DAMN!!!

Next up – and we’re not wasting any time tonight, are we – are Blahura and Blahnthony with their disco routine and my god it’s shit. Maybe in top eighteen week or whatever this seemed good but we’ve come so far that now it just looks like someone’s bad home videos … and you know what’s even sadder – this is as good as these two ever got. Yeah. And, even sadder: Blanthony made the top frigging ten. And Marko didn’t.

Blahnthony says hi to the Gold Coast. The Gold Coast rolls over and starts snoring.

Next up, Bonnie introduces – awwwww – Rhys and Jemma’s waltz. Now, this is still freaking awesome. It gives me tingles and it’s like the third time I’m watching it. And just maybe I’m tearing up a bit at what might have been. I love them.

The voting public is so needlessly cruel.

And then there’s this beautiful thing where Jemma tells Rhys that she’s so proud of him and she was so lucky to be his partner and she’s his number one fan and he says he couldn’t have done it without her and they cuddle and IT’S NOT FAIR. WHY, voting public, WHY? Doesn’t this shit just get you right in the gut and make you melty? When did Jack ever make you melty? Huh? Jack may have perfect Jazz face, but he never made us MELTY! IT’S NOT FAIR!!

Ad break. Which gives me time to compose myself.

Aaanyway.

After the break Rhiannon and JD get an opportunity to get that shitful Tango right. Aw. How lovely. Sadly, I didn’t actually pick where they fucked it the first time so to me it just looks … a bit better. Rhiannon’s skirt splits a bit high for my tastes – although I suppose it’s the best advertising her waxer will ever get.

She prefers a straight landing strip to a small V, by the way …

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #6. Intimate knowledge of Rhiannon’s pubic grooming.

Natalie asks if JD and Rhiannon are lovers again and … ew. No. Not after my waxer joke.

Next up are Kate and Hilton doing their foxtrot. Not exactly memorable, really, but it couldn’t all be Rhys and Jemma, could it?

And again, we have proof of the chair theory. Chair = sexy dance. It’s cool, but sadly Hilton just doesn’t bring the hot manly love. Rhys would have KILLED that.

Then it’s Kassy and Graeme, and here’s a question for the square eyes: why are all the most memorable dances from the first three weeks of live performances? Because me, I thought things got better as we got further in, but every single dance so far has been from the first three weeks.

Although, on the bright side: no hip-hop.

Strange. Must not have been particularly memorable. Hmmmm …

Also, while I’m asking you guys for help: I’m running out of original ways to say indicate what is happens next. I don’t want to kill you all with ‘And then’s and ‘Next up’s and ‘After the break’s … but how else can I say it? Is there a thesaurus for this kind of this, do you think?

And then (SEE???) we have our final memorable dance and it’s Henry and Vanessa’s African Samba – which … may have been from a bit further in. But not much, really.

This is mean, but for some reason ever since Vanessa took to the stage in that hideous leopard-skin leotard to do her Lion-King dance just before she got eliminated, I have found her … kinda gross to watch. She squicks me now in a way she didn’t before that leopard-print camel-toe burned itself onto my brain, and so I find this routine pretty fast-forwardable.

Ew. Vanessa camel-toe.

And ew. Shirtless Henry.

I won’t go on about how there were many more, much more memorable performances they could have shown us, or, for that matter, about how it’s quite obvious that Jack wasn’t very memorable, given they all just forgot about him. I’m just going to let it go, because I’m mature and grown up and not at all bitter. Really.

And it is just a TV show.

After the break, it’s time for some Damian Leith. He’s singing Mad World by Gary Jules, which is a very odd choice – given it’s so Ben McKenzie’s song and this is just bastadry, even though I don’t hate Damian Leith particularly much at all.

So it starts off like it’s all about him, and then a little way in he wanders off toward the side of the stage and good old Caleb starts doing his thing. Remember Caleb? Probably not as well as Natalie does, but he was that super-talented fifteen-year old we saw in the auditions who made everyone cry, but then couldn’t be in the show because he was too young.

You know what I find kind of funny, and kind of sad, is that the audience cheered for the dancing right over the line ‘look right through me, look right through me’ – and it gets even funnier and sadder when the song ends and Natalie rushes over to … hug Caleb, and go on about how wonderful … Caleb is, and then – remembers Damien, yells over to him from the other side of the stage about how he was great and he has a new album out and then dismisses him.

And for the first time since I started inwardly pointing and laughing at him for releasing a shitehouse novel (not that I read it, but it … just looks shitehouse, doesn’t it?), I feel deeply sad for Damian Leith. He looks so dejected, and who can blame him? He was just used and abused by the producers of a Channel Ten reality TV show …

Again.

Natalie then gives Caleb a scholarship for the Sydney Dance company (sponsored by Optus, of course) and lets Jason wank on about line and technique and performance maturity and blah blah. I’m not part of his dance family, so I have no idea what he just said. Do you?

And we cap that off with an embarrassing ad for the Idol Auditions.

Voiceover: No matter who you are –
Guy Sebastian: I’m Guy!

So. Deep. It. Doesn’t. Even. Stand. To. Be. Mocked.

Things I will not miss abous SYTYCD #7. In Show ads for Idol.

Things I will not miss abous SYTYCD #8. And Optus.

Things I will not miss abous SYTYCD #9. And Sony

After that, it’s time to eliminate someone. I wonder who it is! So much excitement –

I qualify the sarcasm there by pointing out that when I first watched this, my heart was in my throat and I felt kind of giddy from the excitement, so while I’m bagging it out now, you all know it comes from a place of having been there

- and the first one safe is Rhys, because they’re messing with our heads in a way that can only be described as way cruel. And yet the first time I saw this I cheered, because I didn’t yet know that my chain was being yanked. On first watching, it was just awesome.

And then it was down to Jack and Kate.

Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be – DAMN!

There’s lots of screaming and clapping and yaying, and Rhys tries to look happy but you just know that he was wishing the same thing I was.

Kate’s package is lovely. A lot of stuff we didn’t see – because, as we all know, we weren’t allowed to see Kate even once before the top 20 week – so it’s not just recapping shit we’ve seen fifteen times.

Everyone cheers and claps and – what is that, a tear in the corner of my eye?

Pah!

As if.

And the judges still think she’s awesome. Except Bonnie, who thinks she deserves to be standing there … and not with the top two.

The guys come over and hug her and it’s all lovely.

And then there were two. The two we’ve been predicting since week two. If this show has been one thing all the way through, it’s predictable. Sigh. Maybe with everyone predicting a Jack-win, we’ll finally get an upset.

I know it’s wishful thinking, ok? I’m writing this after having seen the result … just, let me go live in that alternate universe where the voting public thinks like me.

Next up, it’s Leona Lewis – who looks rather … leonine. This is where I go to the toilet (the first time) and hit fast forward (the second time).

Then of course there is another break. The billionth of the night. But after that it’s time for the awesome. Jack and Rhys come out in suspiciously matched shirts and jeans with the cuffs rolled up and aww … they’re both so cute. Mostly Rhys, but Jack too.

Nat asks if they thought they’d get this far and I just wish for someone, some day, on some reality TV show far far away that I don’t have to like anyone on – such as maybe The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, for example - to be asked that question and answer ‘well, yeah. Everyone else is shit and I am awesome. Who wouldn’t have predicted a me-slide?’

No, Natalie, they didn’t. Because they’re a bit humble and not big balls of hateful ego. Der.

Thankfully, we go straight into Jack’s package, which means that the end is near. Notice how they’re doing Jack first? That’s to make us think he’s not going to win. They’re throwing us off the stanky scent of victory. Or is that sweaty dancer boy after rehearsal? Who can tell these days …

I like Jack’s package – not that one! Sheesh! – but I can’t help but thinking that no matter what he does, he … keeps being Jack. Week to week, it’s not so noticeable, but in a montage, it becomes very clear. He may be versatile, but only so long as he still gets to be Jack. And luckily for him, they kept on giving him routines were he could be.

Rhys’s package – Can I use the same joke here again? Please? – shows something different. For a start, it shows a kinda gross mustache I’m so glad he got rid of. But then it shows someone who becomes each and every character he gets given. It’s all Rhys, but it’s all so very very different and unique and true and amazing and every emotion he’s had to express – and there have been so many – he’s expressed with his whole self and I’ve bought it, absolutely and without reseveration.

Sigh.

Finally, it’s time for our last routine of the night. Which is a Jack and Rhys jive that is so very very hot. Whoever said girls didn’t find boy-on-boy sexy never saw this. It’s also fun, energetic and light-hearted – as in it turns on a little light in my heart and makes me smile.

Everyone cheers and claps and then Jack and Rhys hug. Sadly, there is no snogging, but, you never know … maybe after the show the creating of Rhys/Jack babies can begin in earnest? Yes?

Please?

So, now would be the ultimate time to reveal the winner. But instead there’s an ad break.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #11: All. The. Freaking. Ads.

Or, did I say that already? It’s been a looooooong recap. Hence the lateness etc.

After the break there’s another reminder of just what our winner will win, and Mia Michaels does this little bit to the camera that’s meant to be live and shit but is suspiciously gender neutral and non-specific.

Also, is she stoned?

Nat throws to Jason as he lies and says that he doesn’t care who wins, and I think if that were true he wouldn’t have spent the whole season pimping Jack. Then Bonnie lies and says they’re both her favourites, and she thinks Mia Michaels will be happy to work with either one – except, you know, Mia loves the quirky and hates the cheesy, so I know who she would really prefer. Matt doesn’t say much of anything except ‘guy dancers rock’. Which is …actually true.

It’s time for the result now - after two and some hours of what has basically been kinda entertaining filler - and I think I’m going to spew.

Erm. And that’s watching it the second time with nearly a week to get over the initial shock. Maybe it’ll be different this time, yeah?

Please be Rhys. Please be Rhys. Please be Rhys. Please be Rhys. Please – DAMN!!!!

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!!

Glitter falls from the sky. The boys hug. Natalie hugs Rhys. The judges cheer (I KNEW IT!). The top 20 run up on stage and everyone hugs as Natalie demonstrates her incredible inability to keep her voice at a consistent and natural volume and pace one last time – for this year. Because this show will be back next year. Yipee!

And I will be watching. But just to see how badly they take a perfectly nice reality TV show format and make it shit for season two … because this is Channel 10, after all.

Credits.

End.

Rove.

Stop.

Until next time … it’s been fun. Thank you for having me as your recapper in ActonB’s absence.

Be good, yeah?

Chesty XX

The Biggest Big Loser Brother!

The Biggest Loser.


Yay Sam! I was genuinely happy that Sam took out the third series. In a final comprised of two of my favourites (both of whom I liked more or less right from the two episodes I watched at the start), it was a most fantastic result. Pity I missed most of it due to an earlier engagement (read: Sex & The City on Foxtel).

The other bad news is that all three contestants looked distinctly haggard. Alison had crows feet, where before she had cherubic features. Sam even looked kind of old, surprisingly. And huge ears! Did you see his ears? I guess the weathered looks might have something to do with the lighting -- everyone looked a bit off. Still, I guess they must have gone home and subsisted on a diet of dust and sticks, slept whilst running on the treadmill, and chugged battery acid to dissolve the remaining calories. So the weathered faces can be excused.

Big Brother.

ACTION REPLAY: Terri is evicted by housemate vote, who then banishes Nobbi to the Kombi van. But she isn't gone yet! Oh no, it looks like she'll be back this Sunday or thereabouts. Amongst other dramas fermenting in the BB crock pot, Travis is getting all sorts of shit for his BLATANT faggotry, and as much as he doth protest, the jury has already returned a unanimous decision. No matter how hard he waves the rolling pin which he had wedged firmly up his lower colon in staunch defence of his utterly unconvincing heterosexuality, nobody is convinced. Blind, deaf, mute people around the country are all 'der, as if he ISN'T gay'. You know, if deaf mutes could speak, that is.

ANALYSIS: Look, the subject of Travis' sexuality is a moot point. Moot, I tell you. I can't picture a straight woman ever being interested in straddling that sickly frame, ever, not even on Opposite Day. Likewise, what gay man would put up with him anyway? Going out with someone who talks and sounds like an especially toxic woman (with unspecified vaginal trauma) kind of defeats the point of being interested in men, yeah? Can I get a holler from my queer compatriates?

PROTRACTED SIGH: Corey Delaney is set to enter the Big Brother house. Which begs the question: Would you say it's time to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside? Yes I would, Kent.

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE: Ben, is it possible that you could do or say anything that could make me love you less? You're arrogant. You clearly feel entitled. You think that because you were universally beloved within your school that this would translate into the Big Brother house. But fuck me if I don't really like you. PS, I think you're spot on about Dave. Ie. the "nice guy". Nice guy, my tit.

UPDATE: Okay, I think I'm over him.