BAAAAHAHAHAHAH!

I haven't been able to watch as much So You Think You Can Dance as I had intended, so y'all will have to verify if this is a lame call on my part, but contestant Rhys Bobridge, pictured below looking extremely fairy-like indeed:



Is the Elf character from Channel Seven morning kids' show The Fairies:



Harmony and Rhapsody are all 'what is Elf and Matt Lee doing with that double-ended dildo!?'

Oh, and apparently I watch The Fairies now. Quiet, you.

So You Think I've Run Out Of Questions That Start With 'So You Think'? Top 12 and results!

So, it’s top twelve time. Which means we’re nearly at the top ten. At the pointy end. Arroaching the finale. Halfway through the top twenty nearly. Etc. Etc. And for the first time the little Intro bit at the beginning is feeling short and empty and - oh, Rhys, Rhys Rhys, must you wear the tight patterned denim cut-offs in your intro dance? It makes it so damn hard to respect you and love you and make you my new gay best friend.

Natalie is going to prom tonight. But only junior prom – because her big boofy skirt is only knee-length and apparently that’s the rule. It’s a huge night – last chance for top 10, 2 routines each blah blah blah – and let’s meet the judges. Jason comments on Nat’s tu-tu – saying she couldn’t decide what tu-tu wear, and I’m flashing back to the evil bad punning of my year nine commerce teacher. She points out that he’s wearing a powder blue shirt with sequined flowers all over it. Score: Natalie 1, Jason ½ (because secretly I love a bad pun).

I don’t remember what the other two judges say or what they’re wearing – as per usual, but I’m thinking Matt … hat – but we have a guest judge! Kelly Abbey! And in three seconds she proves that despite what Australian Reality TV producers seem to think, it is possible to be female and an articulate judge.

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Kate and Graeme are up first and they get Jazz, which means so far Graeme has had five jazz/contemporary/lyrical styles. This time it’s hard-core thrash Jazz – which means they’re dancing to Guns & Roses ‘Live and Let Die’. It’s by the choreographer who did the ‘swap’ routine, so I’m scared, and it takes me two goes watching it but I think it’s good. It’s … odd. It goes all fast and slow and fast and slow and sometimes it looks really messy but I think that’s mostly intentional.

Kelly points out that Kate is injured and she did brilliantly given this was her first time doing the routine. Matt loved it because it had highs and lows. Bonnie says it should be ‘live and let dance’. Yeah. She’s insightful like that. Jason starts talking about the Dance Family and how it’s great that Australia’s learning what the word ‘chorry’ means. Blah blah blah – did someone tell him to be less constructive?

After the break, we get the first of our surprise challenges. Everyone gets a phone! Surprise! I’m not telling you which phone because they want me to, but it’s by one of the sponsors of the show! Not surprise! And it’s got three songs on it! Surprise! And they have to pick a costume! Surprise! And then choreograph a routine! Surprise!

JD and Rhainnon have choreographed some … weird thing where she’s wearing a big dress and he’s a waiter and then she strips and she’s in little shorts and there’s lots of running around and considering JD is a choreographer, and he choreographed it, he still spends the entire routine looking at his feet and counting.

Nat reminds everyone afterwards that they did it themselves! Yay! No wonder it was average! Jason thinks it was like pro-am choreography on a cruise ship. Thank you, the man returns.

Jemma and Rhys are next. Their phone has a Prince song on it and Rhys asks why he gets the Prince songs, and then they pick ‘Pony’ by Gynuwine. It’s way cute. But I’m so biased they could have come out and done the Hokey Pokey and I’d be all ‘best dance of the night!’ Anyway, they’re equestrian riders and the do lots of little prancy things and some hip-hoppy-poppy moves and then Jemma rides the Rhys pony. For a boy who likes boys, Rhys does very well to bring the sexy with the ladies and I’m guessing he’s like some of the theatre boys I used to know who would not sleep with a girl if you paid them a million dollars, but have pashed every single one of their girly friends, and it makes me love him even more.

Bonnie does this whole ‘we’re not judging the choreography!’ thing, which is annoying, because a) Jason just did and b) it makes it seem like it was really bad, when it was about fifteen times better than JD and Rhiannon’s.

After the break, we get Henry and Vanessa, who draw contemporary and end up with Capoera. Which is a martial art. A dancy martial art, but still a martial art. I took a Capoera lesson a few years ago and my god, I could not walk for about four days afterwards. It’s harder than it looks. In rehearsal, Vanessa pops her shoulder out of its socket. And it hurts. But luckily it just pops back in so all good! Yay for Dancers and the damage they inflict on their bodies on a regular basis!

The routine is pretty crap, really. It’s all over the place and there’s not much dancing and they’re doing it to ‘Piece of Me’ by Britney, so it feels like the wrong tempo for the routine. There are a couple of cool tricks but overall – meh.

Nat says Capoera a few times. Kelly couldn’t find the dance in it and thought it needed to be edgy. Because Kelly is a good judge who … judges. Matt says what I said in the paragraph above this one. Bonnie says that dance is a huge umbrella and it’s a martial art but also a dance and talks about Vanessa’s shoulder. Because Bonnie is a bad judge who … doesn’t judge.

Jason says he struggled to find the dance in that martial arts display, and has nothing to say. Harsh, but fair.

Camilla and Anthony are up next and – ugh! – they get Lambada. It’s the dance of forbidden love and so, in Camilla’s words, there’s a lot of lust between Camilla and Anthony. Anyone else remember Lambada the movie? No? Just me then?

They start out ok and it just goes downhill from there. The Lambada as I know it – from the aforementioned movie – involves lots of hip-grinding and sexy-type stuff. I could jam a beach ball between Camilla and Anthony’s hips at any point during this routine, and they would not notice they’re so far apart. It’s the most polite ‘dance of forbidden love’ I’ve ever seen in my life. Anthony looks as bored as I am. Snore.

Kelly tells Anthony not to scowl and to dance from the inside out, and Camilla to ooze. I think she oozes pain-in-the-arse quite well already. Matt says something about Dirty Dancing – not that there was anything Dirty about that routine. Bonnie enjoyed it. As she would. And then she actually … criticizes both of them. Intelligently. Can she hear me through the TV?

Jason said it was missing a big key element of the Lambada: the sex. Amen! Nat points out that it’s a family show. Heh. The Lambada is ‘having sex with your clothes on’ or – as Bonnie interjects – ‘inappropriate dancing’. Yes, inappropriate. That’s exactly what this routine wasn’t. Except as entertainment.

Demi and Jack get surprise challenge next. They pick a Beyonce song and Beyonce outfits and while choreograph a routine right out of a Beyonce video. It’s cute – Jack mostly is cute – but hardly original. Beyonce did it all better, as much as it pains me to praise her.

It’s Matt’s turn to comment, but not judge (of course). And somehow he manages to do just that. Matt points out that this isn’t ‘so you think you can choreograph’ which has me wondering about the point of this whole surprise challenge.

After the break, it’s Rhys and Jemma in their proper routine. They’re doing Musical Theatre and – what do you know – they get actual musical theatre, with actual music from a musical. Jemma has to learn how to pirouette, because you don’t do that in ballroom. Or something.

The routine is so cheesy and cute silly and I love it. There’s lots of big movements and jazz hands and it’s just one of those awesome routines that puts a big sloppy grin on my face.

Kelly says it’s a unison routine and they have to be as tight as a fishes butt. Ok. She doesn’t say if that actually were as tight as a fishes butt, but she liked it anyway. Jason points out that a fishes butt has to be tight so the water doesn’t get it. Boom Tish. Matt thinks it was really fun, but maybe wanted more fun.

Bonnie totally dismissed how hard these guys have worked by saying they were so lucky with the music and the routine and how could anyone fail at that? Er, hello? Unison as tight as a fishes butt or disaster? The only other couple I think that could kick this would be Kate & Graeme. Jack would ace it but I think Demi would do worse than Jemma. That’s Bonnie’s second comment to Rhys and Jemma tonight that could be very easily misconstrued as an insult. And then she goes on to talk about pirouettes and Billy Eliot and blah blah blah. She’s pissed me off so I don’t care.

Jason says it was his favourite routine of the night, and showed Rhys’s personality without the make-up. Does that mean Rhys will stop with the make-up? Probably not, but we can only hope.

Kate and Graeme get the surprise challenges next. They do this very cute racing thing to ‘pump it’ by The Black Eyed Peas. I like it and I’m even going to go out on a limb and say it’s the best of the surprise challenges. Kate is adorable. I’m so taking Kate and Rhys to the pub once this thing is over.

Kelly does a Mary Murphy and tells them to call the fire brigade because that was hot!

I so so so love that Courtney and Khaly are the new spokespeople for Metamucil. Go fibre for Dance energy!

Rhiannon and JD do their proper routine after the break. And they get hip-hop. Woot! How convenient. Their pre-routine package is an ad for some phone company that lets you download songs to your phone from the interwebs. And no, I’m not saying which one but – again – let’s see who sponsors the show.

They’re popping. And I think they do well, but the routine is just freaking boring. I watched it twice and both times I got distracted by the paintwork on the wall under our lounge room window and missed a chunk of it.

Kelly thinks they did well. Matt thinks there wasn’t enough energy for TV. I am a little wary of his maths. TV sucks out 50% of your energy, so you have to give 150%, he says. Seems right, but … no. If you start at 150, and take out 50%, you get 75. If TV sucks out 50% of your energy and you want to end up with 100, you have to start at 200. Obvs. But I’m sure I’m the only person who cares.

Bonnie is glad Rhiannon wasn’t cute. Jason says they were missing energy and unison and they cut out this bit where he yells something at Rhiannon – which we all know about anyway thanks to the power of the interwebs – which makes Nat’s ‘do you want to say something?’ to Rhiannon at the end make some sort of sense. The wide shot to break shows Jason getting up and walking off. Damn the TV people. Either pretend it never happened or show it. None of this half-in half-out crap. Stupid editing.

Camilla and Anthony’s surprise challenge is next. They do a fight scene to ‘Stronger’ by Kanye West, which is NOT as good a song as everyone seems to think it is, mostly because it’s actually just Kanye West rapping over someone elses song. Camilla tells us all about how she choreographs and I don’t care. There’s a whole lot of Camilla and Anthony trying to get the crowd cheering and interested but it never quite sticks and the actual routine is just cheesy faux boxing moves and suuuuuucks huge quantities of aaaaaarse.

Matt says it looks like they really enjoy dancing together and they’re just giggly and stupid and ‘woo! We have personality!!!’ but they don’t.

Henry and Vanessa do Surprise challenge next. They pick Michael Jackson’s Black or White, and black and white outfits. Their story – Henry as a schoolkid seduced by his teacher – doesn’t fit the outfits OR the music.

Oh, wait. Remember that episode of ‘*random 80’s sitcom* where *random 80’s sitcom star* finds out that their kids teacher moonlights as a cocktail and everyone is all outraged until she explains that teaching pays so badly this is the only way she can make ends meet and there’s a big lesson-learning moment*? Maybe Vanessa is THAT teacher and she forgot to change back into her teacher clothes.

It’s ok, but two things ruin it for everyone. The first being the ripping off of Henry’s shirt – why must we see that again? The second is Henry’s facial expression when the ‘teacher’ gets him. It’s the same face you KNOW he’d have while he was bragging to his friends about getting laid. Ew.

Demi and Jack are the last couple for the night – they draw contemporary. It’s ballistic and high-velocity, apparently, so not angsty. It’s pretty cool – with random little fight elements and lots of throwing around and leaping and stuff, but not boring like it would be if it was Camilla and Anthony doing. I think I like it, but I can’t be 100% sure.

Demi is also wearing a tu-tu, and so Jason makes his joke again. Kelly saw them lose energy at the end and comments on Jack’s expression. Matt thinks it was a little bit too manic, but liked it. Bonnie thinks the routine was too hard for Demi. Diddums. Stupid mean choreographers –

Oh, wait. Stupid Bonnie. Because no-one has had a hard routine outside their comfort zone besides these poor victimized people. Right.

Jason loved the routine, but thinks it was a little under compared to people who dance like that all the time – which is, der! He’s also concerned that we the plebs, the non-members of the dance family, won’t get it.

But I’m sure we’ll try. Just so we can prove him wrong. Especially since he then spends a lovely chunk of time explaining that this show is about diversity and the dance family and blah blah blah and dammit I love the man but he’s getting so into his little dance family thing and I’m feeling all left out because I only lasted 10 weeks at LA Talent School when I was twelve.

And that’s the show. Vote early. Vote often. Or … don’t. Because it’s probably a bit late …

… Given the results show is being recapped –

Now.

First up is the group routine and it’s freaking awesome and wonderful and delicate and sweet and pretty and really just the loveliest thing I’ve seen on this show. It’s so lovely I can’t even snark on it in any way. It’s by Kelly Abbey, which makes it two from two for her and I think she should just choreograph everything. EVERYTHING. Ever. On this show. Everything. The whole thing should be renamed ‘So You Think You Can Dance Kelly Abbey’s Choreography?’

And also – why is it that twelve people can pretty much nail unison, but two people can’t? This show poses all the big questions people …

Nat’s still going to prom, but tonight it’s booby prom. And there’s the usual chatter about how the judges hate Monday and how they’re so glad it’s the last time they have to do this.

First up to go through the recap-and-recap-of-recap-and-verdict mill tonight are JD & Rhiannon vs Jack and Demi. This is about as suspenseful as Playschool, and JD and Rhiannon are in the bottom three. Or, as Natalie puts it, Jack and Demi are in the Top Ten, meaning they get to jump and squeal and be all cheery while the losers just stand there being ignored.

After the break, Rhys and Jemma come up against Camilla and Anthony and for fucks sake people, at least freaking TRY. If Jack & Demi vs JD and Rhiannon was Playschool, Rhys & Jemma vs Camilla & Anthony is Pooh-bah. No, really. If you need to be told whether ‘best routine of the night, never been in the bottom three and just totally awesome and insanely popular’ or ‘boring and annoying and boring and quite familiar with the bottom three and so crap last night’ will be in the bottom three, you obviously haven’t been paying attention.

Strangely enough, Natalie gushes over Rhys and Jemma getting to the top ten without being in the bottom three. She calls it a ‘world record or something’ … while Jack and Demi stand in the wings with their hands up yelling ‘Us too! Us too! And Sabra and Dominic! And probably others! But us too! Three minutes ago! Literally! We just did that too and we got nothing!’

Or not, but they should.

Finally, it’s Kate & Graeme vs Henry and Vanessa, and we all know who *should* be in the bottom three, but tonight – Australia gets it wrong, and Kate and Graeme go down, which makes Matt mad. It’s ok, honey. You can save them.

And then it’s time for the dancing for your life. Or the dancing for yourself, which is what the judges want tonight.

Rhiannon dances for herself, or – more so – for the boys. She’s got some weird stomach thing going on. It’s much more pronounced tonight and I’m worried she’s malnourished or something because … weird.

JD is next and he’s ok. As usual. It’s the same old thing but I will give him a teeny bit of credit for at least making half an effort to put a bit more energy into it.

Camilla’s a big old fat mess, just like last week – and Anthony goes angsty this week – just like last week! His angst is so … icky.

Kate is all over the place, but in a good way. It’s not coherent, but it’s pleasant to watch and a bit of fun.

Graeme is last and he does angsty and leapy, and it’s not icky like it was with Anthony. I … actually like it, easy ride through to the top ten or not.

And as usual the judges go away to deliberate. Tonight’s musical guest is KT Tunstall, who really should have done ‘Suddenly I See’ and I don’t care if it’s old or not what she’s promoting this week or overplayed or whatever - it’s a SYTYCD institution.

After the break and the usual shot of the judges standing around and trying to get their stories straight about what they’ve been doing, it’s elimination time. Dum dum DUM!

The girls go first, and Kate gets safed like we all knew she would because Camilla and Rhiannon are both fifteen times suckier and even Jason knows that.

I don’t care which one of these two goes, but I’d almost prefer Rhainnon, because that just means Camilla would get caned by the public next week, while Rhiannon actually had *gulp* fans.

Alas, the judges haven’t considered this. Bonnie probably stood backstage and stamped her little feet about Rhiannon and everyone else just gave up, so Rhainnon stays, while Camilla gets sent packing.

Oh boy. That means she gets to make a speech. And make a speech she does. She manages to at once thank and patronize every single person involved in the competition - from the dancers to the judges to the freaking crew.

I feel for her, in a way. She seemed to hold such a strong belief that she should win this thing that she’s probably right now looking for any excuse as to why she didn’t to hold her fragile ego together. And she probably doesn’t realize that treating the remaining dancers like they’re the ones that got eliminated when she says ‘I believe in all of you! You’ll go far!’ isn’t the right way to do it, but it makes her feel superior, and validated – so whatevs. And they will go far, right into the top ten, in fact. Which she will watch on television.

To my surprise, nearly everyone is in tears. So I guess Camilla’s personality, like JD’s dancing, loses something through the TV screen.

Ok, enough of that. Jason finds it difficult to speak after such a humble and heartfelt speech – and even though he’s a bit red around the eyes my sarcasm meter picked up traces of activity as he said the words ‘humble’ and ‘heartfelt’.

Next up are the boys. Graeme is safe first, which is just yay. Kate & Graeme forevs! Or, until final four! Except not, because next week it’s couple swapping time. D’oh!

Now it’s down to JD and Anthony, and like with the girls, I don’t really care who goes but I’d prefer Anthony, because he’s so damn smug and it’s like he’s given up lip balm while he’s on the show and he really, really needs lip balm.

But JD goes. So much for diversity, judges. Anthony does his luggy walk back to the others, probably confident of ultimate victory now, and I’m comforted by the knowledge that next week it’s Australia’s turn to vote, and there’s no way Anthony is outvoting Graeme, Rhys, Jack or Henry – sole Queenslander or not – so we only have one week left of him.

JD’s leaving package is actually mostly quite moving. He was a shitty dancer, but probably not a bad person. I’m kind of confused though, as to why, of all the judges comments and quotes and footage they could have used, they chose to play Jason saying ‘you’re the kind of dancer that could make the biggest mistake ever, and no-one would even notice’ over footage of that disastrous tango.

Did he really need reminding of that moment at this – his – moment? It’s funny, but it’s actually also kind of mean.

Eh.

So that’s the top ten. Rhys, Jack, Graeme, Henry., Anthony, Vanessa, Kate, Demi, Rhiannon and Jemma. As the judges say, we’re going to be losing good dancers every week now. Except next time, when we will only lose one good dancer and an annoying acrobat.

Next week is a recap show – and if you want recap of recap I’m afraid you’re going to have to hound ActonB. I’m moving house and probably going offline for a couple of weeks in the process. Damn ADSL and it’s non-instant connection.

Um, what do people without interwebs do with their time? Help!


* I’m actually not making that up. I just wish I could remember whether it was Diff’rent Strokes of Full House. Or both.

So Very Very Very Confused

Can someone please tell me how I feel about this?

Correct answer wins a prize.

So You Think The Judges Can Get It Right This Time? Top 14 Results Show

As always, we open with a group number. This week it's hip-hop and it's boring. They just don't really seem to be doing much. And can we stop with the group dances all being themed 'Gang A v Gang B'? There's been an element of that twice now and I'm bored.

Nat looks cuter this evening, she brushed her hair and blue seems to suit her. The whole thing is a little too Grease for me, and I keep expecting John Travolta to show up in his tight black jeans and carry her away - but this is a dance show after all, so you never know ... Jason, on the other hand, totally ignored my advice and has upgraded to a big old silver Michael-Jackson-In-Thriller-Era jacket. Blergh. I guess he's trying to prove that he's all about the 80's and none about the 70's, after Anothony's comment the other week.

Right-o. Lets get into it.

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First up on the results train, we have Demi & Jack and Camilla & Sermsah. As per usual, we get a recap of the dancing and the comments, followed by Nat repeating what we just saw the judges say, and it's Camilla and Sermsah in the bottom three for the first time, so Jack and Demi get shuffled off stage while Nat does an amusing interview with Camilla and Sermsah, which is actually only amusing because no matter how far away from Camilla and toward Sermsah Nat angles her microphone, Camilla gets in front of it and answers every single bloody question. Bint.

After the break - and there are a lot of breaks in this show, so lets pretty much assume that every paragraph starts with an 'after the break' so I can stop typing it - it's Henry & Vanessa and Rhys (who has decided this week to experiment with glitter and red facepaint, and it's part adorable and part just-got-hit-by-a-car icky) & Jemma. They do this to scare Team Rhys, I tells you, because looking at those two and hearing all the teen girls squeeling and yelling for New Henry, I'm getting kind of worried that if one of these couples is in the bottom three, it's my boy and his woman and I'm regretting not voting. But only for a minute, because after the obligatory recap, Nat declares both couples safe. Yay!

So then we're down to Anthony & Laura, Kate & Graeme and JD & Rhiannon. This is going to be close, boys and girls. Except ... not really.

Anthony and Laura get sent through to the bottom three without even having to wait for the other couples to get recapped. And then JD and Rhiannon join them, which Rhainnon doesn't look particularly devastated about, because everyone knows she wants a new partner. Don't get too cocky there, young lady. He's not gone yet ...

The judges waste no time telling Australia that they got it right this week, and they're really pleased about it and yay yay yay for everyone who voted, which I'm sure makes the bottom six dancers, who are standing RIGHT THERE, really happy.

Then it's time for this weeks DFYL, which of course is broken up by a commercial break, because it's impossible to fit six 30-second routines and six 30-second interviews into one segment and still get an ad to show ratio of 60-40. Obvs.

Camilla is first and she's pretty average. It's that whole 'first time in the bottom three, must do absolutely every trick I know' thing, I suppose. Sermsah does his part-traditional part-contemporary thing, which is quite good, if not particularly interesting to me.

Laura does better this week - but only marginally. I think part of her problem is that she's quite tall and long limbed, with big feet and big hands, but she's also still quite curvy, so on the whole, she never looks particularly graceful. There's too much of her.

And - FUCK ME - could the people living upstairs stomp down on their wooden floorboards with any more intensity as the march back and forth across their living room more times in five minutes than I do in a freaking week? This makes me really look forward to moving house, let me tell you. Sorry. It's 7am here. There need not be so much ruckus.

Anthony probably read that no-one liked the stripper routine much last week so this week he's angsty contempo-boy. So there's lots of walking around looking wounded in between the usual random acrobatics. Yawn. I so don't care.

Rhiannon does a pretty ok but not overly exciting hip-hop jazz routine, and I can't help but think she pulls off those big hip-hop sneakers in quite a cute way. JD does what he does and what makes everyone watching on TV wonder why the judges love him so.

And then the judges go and deliberate, and I'm thinking it can't be that hard this week, so they're probably going to go out the back and smoke a cigarette or two and talk about the latest episode of Kitchen Nightmares US, where Ramsey dropped the c-bomb. But no, when we cut to them after the Simple Plan performance that I really can't be bothered saying anything about at all, they actually look like they're doing judgy shit.

... And then they're back, and ready to kick out a girl. Jason says a bunch of irrelevant crap and looks all bossy and pissed off and then gets tired of dragging out the most obvoious elimination since Stephanie and eliminates Laura, which is about as surprising as - breakfast, maybe. She's all nice about the whole thing and keeps smiling while she makes her rejection speech and I start to wonder if the wind changed and her face froze into that crazy wide smile. Bye Laura. We'll miss you ... not much.

Next up are the boys and Jason criticises them all and then eliminates ... Sermsah? Huh? I don't think he's that great, but he's way less boring than Anthony and less one-note than JD. This makes no sense to me.

Nor to Rhiannon, who fills my screen all of a sudden looking - not nearly as happy as she probably should for her safe partner. I want to remind her there's only one more week in these pairs and then it's random and she might get someone good. And at least she's spared dancing with Anothony.

Nat gives us this whole speech about how we don't even know the half of what Sermsah has gone through to get here, which - is puzzling and makes me wonder what more there is. And then they recap his journey and it's quite nicely done, even if I still think his 'are you sure you want to do that?' when they put him through after the group dances was lame-arse. And then we get the interview and the editing monkeys bleep out most of his first sentence right up to just before he actually says the word fuck. Ah, the pitfalls of live TV.

It's very funny anyway, because he's all apologising for swearing and everyone else is trying to look shocked and not laugh, but failing, and I'm laughing because I have no kids to protect the innocent ears of. But, you know, he too is nice about leaving, and not all bitter and shit.

And that's the show. Next week the dancers are choreographing their own routines. Which I find frightening and not-cool in the extreme, because this is SYTYCDA, not Idol, and we don't need or want special theme nights. Just ... go find some choreographers, k?

But here are my predictions anyway:

Rhys and Jemma will do a little bit of slightly gender-bending jazzy stuff. Jason will hate that Rhys didn't dance like a man. Or maybe he won't. It depends on the song. I will like it but middle Australia might get a bit worried.

Henry and Vanessa will combine lots of his hip thrusting with lots of her ballet. It will be slightly wrong, but ok.

Camilla and Anthony will put me to sleep with boring leapy jazz.

Kate and Graeme will probably stick to what they do well and go for some sort of angry contemporary jazz thing.

Demi and Jack will do something hip-hop flavoured, to cater to Demi not being that good at anything else.

Ditto JD and Rhiannon.

It will not be the best night of dance ever. Sigh.

So You Think You Can Dance And Recap At The Same Time? Top 14!

Yeah, me again. Making up for the lateness of last week by pulling a marathon all-nighter and brining you this recap before you've even had a chance to wonder when it's going up. Nah, not really. I just didn't want to go to bed.

Well, it’s top 14 night, which is kind of all kinds of cool. And less people who we see every week to introduce us to.

Nat’s wearing some sort of black sequined thing that is kinda too short, or too tight or too baggy or something and she looks a little awkward in it – which might be the ridiculously high platforms squishy-looking shoes making her knees knock together. Her hair is inoffensive, but I’m kinda wishing she’d brushed it.

The judges are looking dapper – mostly because Jason’s shirt seems buttoned up past mid-chest, and Bonnie had put her tuckshop lady arms away. Matt still looks 14, but there’s not really much he can do about that. I’m starting to wonder what’s under the hat though?

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Shaved head, maybe?

Rhys and Jemma are first tonight and they’re doing hip-hop – Dancehall to be precise, which is Jamaican hip-hop. Rhys is all into it, right down to a cute little sideways baseball cap for rehearsals, while Jemma is freaking out, because she’s all sweet and shy and virginal and stuff.

Nat calls them Ghetto Fabulous and the routine starts with Jemma hanging upside down by her hips from Rhys’ waist and pulsing her butt at us. Virginal it aint. There’s lots of ‘we’re having sex’ gesturing, and it is hip-hop, but I do quite like it. Jemma looks like those hip-hops girls from Blacktown with the big earrings and the hair pulled back so tight you wonder how they don’t have a headache. Rhys calls her Jemma from the Block. Heh. See? Rhys and I are on the same wavelength.

Matt likes it but thinks it needs more energy. Bonnie thinks it had plenty of energy and that the opening was sizzling. She asks if they had a candlelit - for those who missed it, this is a reference to a random comment she made last week about Graeme and Kate going for a candlelit dinner to get connected. Rhys says he stayed for breakfast. Squee.

Jason is still blushing, but loved it. He thought Rhys was really blokey. Yay for blokey gay boys!

After the break, we get a recap of the new prizes. And I still can’t believe they get tickets to a broadway show – it’s so ... I could go buy those for myself.

Jack and Demi get Rumba, which they didn’t want. They’re like brother and sister, which the choreographer doesn’t want, because they – gasp! – have to be in love!

They do the routine to Father Figure by George Michael, which is one of those squicky semi-incesty type songs that I always find kind gross, because it’s all about the sex, but he’s trying to be someone’s father figure. Their routine seems really short or boring or ... something. It’s lusty and romantic, but the song is distracting and I just want it to be over – and then it is.

Matt likes that they’re not fun this week, but that they don’t have a connection. He thinks they’re brother-sister, but I think that, you know, with the squicky incest music, that doesn’t *not* work. Ew. Sorry.

Bonnie liked Demi’s dress. And you know you’re not going to get a great review when Bonnie’s resorting to commenting on the clothes. She doesn’t think they were in love. Jason is wearing bright pink and it’s distracting, but he makes sense again – they weren’t very musical, and they were flat-footed because they’re not wearing shoes, which he’s all blaming the choreographer. Demi pipes up and admits she was the one who chose not to wear shoes. Silly girl – hush!

Also distracting: Jason’s jacket that he stole from those Micheal Jackson-styled extras in Beverly Hills Cop. The 80’s are over dude! OVER!

Next up are Anthony and Laura, so I curl up for a nap. AND they’re doing contemporary, so I’m asleep already.

Surprise surprise, they’re supposed to be in tortured wuv. Is there a contemporary routine anywhere that isn’t about tortured love or death? But of course Anthony is adding in jumps, because that’s what Anthony does … jumps.

And – aw – they’re dancing to Avril Lavigne – which kind of excuses Laura’s wannabe-Avril outfit. She’s … crap. And can’t stop smiling, which makes the angsty couple thing kinda weird. Anthony doesn’t register on my radar at all, so I can’t tell you what he did.

Matt says it was ordinary, and when the crowd boos he does this very ineffective-student teacher ‘hey, thank you!’ at them. Bonnie is confused. Laura says it was a fun routine and Anthony says they tried really hard – they went to their rehearsals and everything. Diddums. Jason didn’t get it either and thinks Laura is a pretty crap dancer who can’t even do a double turn when other people can do six or seven, and that she’s not sexy. Amen to that.

And then he criticizes the choreographer again, and explains why he likes to diss choreographers. I like it too, but not because I'm trying to build the dancers up, but because it’s fun.

Camilla and Sermsah are up after the break and doing hip-hop, again. This week: It’s a graffiti romance!

Which means that so far Sermsah has been a thief, a convict and now a graffiti artist – and I hate conspiracy theories and I don’t ask why they keep making Rhys dance all blokey when he’s actually quite comfy in womens clothes, but what is with that? Surely there’s some other, nicer, less criminal type character you can give the aboriginal dancer to explore?

It’s better than their last hip-hop, but they’re dancing to that overplayed ‘just the way you are’ song that was in the Gossip Girl pilot so I immediately start thinking about Gossip Girl and tuning out of this routine. In summary, it’s ... Ok.

Matt loses all brownie points by asking Camilla to speak. And speak she does, at length and with all the inflections of great wisdom but none of the insight, which makes me sad.

Bonnie is all sighy. She’s been sighing a lot lately and I’m wondering if someone asked her to be meaner, and she’s struggling with actual criticism. Jason thinks Camilla is great, which makes her say ‘thank you’ and nod about seven times in thirty seconds, and then crisicised Sermsah’s partnering. I half expect Camilla to pipe up like she has every week and tell them how much she likes Sermsah and how he’s a great partner and blah blah blah, but she doesn’t, so maybe she agrees with him.

Vanessa and Henry are up after the break and he’s had a haircut. Yay … or … not. Henry works better for me as unattractive as possible. On the plus side, Vanessa is coming out of her shell and I can bear listening to her now. Especially when she says Henry’s hair ‘makes him look cool! ... Not, um, that he wasn’t cool before!’

They’re doing an African Samba by Jason Gilkison and it’s all very dramatic and animal and leapy and starts without music, which is the new black, according to God Jason Gilkison. Sadly for me, Henry gets the hips out. Vanessa actually vaguely fierce, and luckily doesn’t end up face-planting the floor.

Everyone love love loves it and there’s lots of clapping. The judges love them, but not as much as they love Jason Gilkison, who would so win if this was So You Think You Can Choreograph? I, personally, think he’s a bit over-rated, but when he’s on, he’s on.

Yes, I am a dance expert, obvs.

After the billionth break for the evening, we have Graeme and Kate doing a contemporary routine. They went out for a candle-lit dinner, which is lucky because – surprise (again) – it’s tortured love!

Of all the girls, Kate strikes me as the most fun to go for cocktails with. Which means I like her.

They’re dancing to Fix You by Coldplay and it is all very tortured and angsty and emotional and I really like it despite myself. It … makes sense. I’m not saying that I would get the ‘one member of the relationship is needy and it’s starting to fuck everything up’ thing without being told – although I might - but because they did tell me, it made sense. There was no moment of ‘… and how does what they just did show that in any way whatsoever?’ which is what I usually get out of contemporary. Or maybe that’s just when Anthony and Laura are doing it.

Matt thought it was awesome. Bonnie comments on the candle-lit dinner (again), and asks if they booked a room. So I wonder if they’re the secret sytycd COUPLE couple. And if so … AWKward. Graeme’s girlfriend is going to be pissed.

Jason thinks it was the best contemporary routine in the competition so far. Jason loved it loved it loved it loved it loved it loved it.

Yay! But do you think he liked it?

Last but (maybe) not least we have Rhiannon and JD, who want hip-hop but get Jazz. They do this cute thing where Rhiannon has to drag JD kicking and screaming into rehearsal. They’re struggling in their package, obviously, but don't they all? There's never a package where everyone's like 'We've nailed it. No problem!'. But, you know, it's different because they fucked it last week, so the pressure is on.

They do this top-hat-and-tails thing and it’s not great, but they don’t cock it up completely (although, she who didn’t notice the cock-up actually thought they did at one point), and so they’re totally giddy and amazed at the end. Wow! Imagine how excited they would be if they actually did a routine *well*!

Matt thought they did fine. Bonnie babbles about something or other, and I think she had some of Marcia Hines’ crack, because she gets about halfway through four different sentences and doesn’t finish a single one. Jason thinks they did good, but their unison was a bit crap at times.

I get distracted suddenly by a full-length shot of Nat – holy crappers, Batman! That’s not a dress! That’s a onesie! A black, shorty, glittery playsuit!

That, or she’s wearing big black dancer undies.

And … that’s pretty much the show. My picks to go are Laura and either Anthony, JD or Sermsah. But Camilla can go too, if they want to put us out of our misery and take it straight to top 10.

So You Think You Can Read This Recap Before Tonights Show? Top 16!

Well hello again! We know, we know – it’s late. And as much as I would love to say that art takes time, and it’s going to be worth the wait and blah blah blah, this is a very last minute thing because ActonB has had a shitter of a week (hugs!) and I’m working from memory and rather vague notes so … you know – deal.

And the show starts with the usual dancer intros, and as much as I love the cheese, I’m getting a bit sick of the feigned surprise in ‘Here’s Jack!’ ‘It’s Jemma!’ ‘And Kate!’

Excuse me Ms Bassingthawaite, have you not been watching the show? We KNOW all these people are going to be here. It would be more fun if it was like ‘Here’s Fred! Hey, Fred, what the hell are you doing here? We cut you!’

But anyway, she has extensions. It’s a bit nasty but still better than the hair-three-times-as-wide-as-head look she had a few weeks ago. And Mary Murphy is a guest judge! And yay! She’s all screamy! Yay! And she’s loud! And the other judges love her! Yay! Mary Murphy! Yay! Are you excited yet? I know I am, so let’s see some dancing!

read the rest

By the way, did you know that Sony Vaio is a proud sponsor of SYTYCDA? I didn’t!

Jack and Demi start us off with some jazz. It’s ‘indie jazz’ – which is jazz danced to the Arctic Monkeys. Like ‘industrial jazz’ is jazz danced to The Prodigy. Get it? Jack is great and Demi …. tries hard. Which is what Mary says. Matt says Jack is too cheesy – as if there is such a thing as too cheesy! Pah! Bonnie says something but I don’t remember what and it’s probably meaningless and vaguely positive. And Jason and his man-chest criticize.

Matt makes a joke about going deaf sitting next to Mary. He will make this joke after every routine. I will smile, every time, but I will secretly be getting tired of it.

Next up, we have Henry and Vanessa doing ‘contemporary disco’. Contemporary disco, as it turns out, is contemporary danced in spangly ice-skating outfits. Their whole package is about Henry being late to the first rehearsal, and how annoyed Vanessa and the choreographer were, and how sorry Henry was. The dance itself is ok – if you’re into that kind of thing. It’s got lots of leaps and throwing and it’s meant to be all deep and meaningful and angsy. Meh.

Mary doesn’t quite get it, and can’t spot the disco. I like Mary, she’s like Jason but with less chest hair. Matt says it’s nice to see Vanessa relax for a change, and that Henry is versatile. I just think Henry is greasy, but I’m not a judge, so it doesn’t count.

Bonnie tells Henry off for being late and he goes into this long-winded not-explaination about why. As it turns out, he was only five or six minutes late, which is – bad, don’t get me wrong, but doesn’t even come close to the amount of time that everyone else seems to have wasted bitching about it.

Bonnie also says that Vanessa outdanced Henry, but probably only because she’s still mad that he was late and can’t let those 350-odd seconds go. Jason disagrees. He tells Vanessa that this was her style – except I thought her style was ballet, but maybe this is as close as she will ever get in this competition – and she didn’t kick arse like she should have.

Camilla and Sermsah get a contemporary routine. The choreographer has obviously watched Hero recently, and chosen not to use it as an excuse for a nap, but as inspiration. So they get to do a simulated fight thing. MrL, being my resident martial arts expert, thinks it’s shit and lacks unison. ActonB, in her notes, thinks it’s way funky. I … fall somewhere in the middle. They did ok, but it didn’t impress me much. But maybe that’s because I sit through every routine these do dreading the post-routine interview and Camilla’s hand-movement-ridden, teeth-laden, ‘I’m such an expert’ speech about why she is so awesome and Sermsah is ok too.

And she doesn’t disappoint. Apparently, in dance, the girl has to trust the boy. Thank you, Camilla – I bow down to your infinite dance wisdom.

The judges all loved it and MrL storms out of the room when not even Jason points out the unison issues. I can’t help but feel that all three of Camilla/Sermsah routines have been decidedly average, but been judged rather gently.

After the break, Rhys and Jemma rock the Paso Doble. It’s well awesome and he flings her around like a pro. There’s a bit of a clunky snake thing but other than that it’s great.

Rhys is still my new TV Gay Best Friend.

Mary screams! Matt yays! Bonnie yays! Jason says he’s only got 40% hearing in his left ear, and now it’s only 30%. Mary makes the comment of the night and suggests we all have a pity party for him. Heh! Take that, nasty judge who I agree with 100% of the time.

Steph and Marko are up next with the Krump. And I’m calling bullshit. I hate Stephanie as much as the next person, but could these guys get three worse routines, with three worse costumes, for three consecutive weeks? No.

Although the editors do take care this week to show us that there are lots of cards in the magical dance-genre bucket. And yes, they’re all stacked neatly on top of each other and when Stephanie goes in she moves her hand around and picks up the top one. Don’t do it Steph – you KNOW they have it in for you. Root around the bottom. Fight your fate.

Or, don’t. Just take your Krump pills and shut up.

In the pre-dance package, Steph is all positive and ‘yay Krump! I don’t know what it means but I’m not going to whinge and bitch and moan – much! I’m positive! I’m happy! I can’t wait!’ while Marko is all ‘Working with the same partner every week is hard, especially when it’s Steph!’ except the last part is said with his eyes and not his mouth.

The dance is shit. Marko does what he can and he’s all fierce. Steph is shit.

Mary is nice, but thinks that Steph was too soft. Matt and Bonnie have just swallowed that Kool-Aid that Steph served them before the show and think it was awesome. Jason was rightly suspicious and just pretended to drink his, so he’s only written down three words: Big. Fat. Mess.

Yay for skeptical non-Kool-Aid-drinking Jason!

Laura and Anothony are doing Soul Swing. And Michael of the lovely upper body is choreographing! Laura gets to wear Steph’s outfit from last week – lucky thing!

I’m not feeling the love here. I do sort of her the soul swingy-ness of it, but it’s still boring. Is there anyone in this competition with less charisma and stage appeal than Anthony?

Oh, wait. Laura.

The udges said some stuff but I was asleep. ActonB said she quite liked it, so, maybe I’m just a cynical bint.

JD and Rhiannon are next with the Tango, and to my untrained eye it starts off ok, then gets a bit random and ends with the same step twice for no good reason. Apparently though, it was fourteen flavours of fucked up and Rhiannon is totally pissed when they come up to get their comments.

Mary and Matt and Bonnie are all ‘I felt for you! Poor dears! Woe is you!’

JD says he froze. And it’s all very serious and sad so I’m guessing that that whole same-move-twice thing was not because the Choreographer sucks?

Jason says JD let his partner down. Yeah. But in the results show JD just says he let himself down. And I don’t know who to believe any more.

Kate and Graeme draw Bollywood, but that suddenly becomes ‘Bollywood hip-hop’ in Choreography, because it’s Bollywood to Kelly Rowland! Get it? Kate comments in the package that she’s going through partners like underwear, and I hope the kids get that she’s talking about dance partners and not bed partners, because she’s not a big old slut at all.

I don’t have a lot to say about the routine. Jason sums it up best when he says it was two great dancers in an average routine. The judges can’t agree whether Kate and Graeme have a connection or not, but I think they’re reasonably cute. I’d vote for them if I voted and it was clear that Rhys and Jemma weren’t in any sort of danger.

So, that’s it. Eight routines. It didn’t feel like eight and I have to go back and count. But apparently is was.

To end the Show, Mary announces some more prizes for the winner of this whole thing: Dance lessons in the US! So our dancers have a chance to get half as good as Proper American Dancers! And tickets to a Broadway Show!

OMG! Everyone feigns excitement and the credits roll.

So, who wants a recap of the results show? Ok, just a quick, random one then, for our one reader! I have no notes, I’m juts using my remembery.

The proup dance is a jivey 50’s thing by Jason Gilkison, who is apparently God according to this show. It’s good, but a bit too similar to Kelly Abbey’s group routine a couple of weeks ago.

Nat spends a lot of time repeating things, and there are a lot of recaps, and then some repeating of what was in the recaps. I’d like her to pick different lines to quote when she recaps the recaps, so we don’t hear the same thing three times, but there you go.

Kate and Graeme and JD and Rhiannon are up first and both get safed. The contrast between the couples is rather telling: Kate and Graeme jump and whoop all over the stage in an infectious sort of excitement and yay usness! And Kate must be thinking it’s awesome she’s not kicked another boy out this week. JD and Rhiannon on the other hand look glary and sad. Especially Rhiannon, who was totally hoping for a competent partner next week.

Jason helpfully points out that JD and Rhiannon got through on sympathy vote and not, in case they’re totally deluded, because they didn’t suck. Yay Jason!

Next up, we have Jack and Demi, Steph and Marko and Anthony and Laura. Jack and Demi get safed, while everyone else gets bottom threed. Yay! Steph is going home tonight!

Finally, Rhys and Jemma get safed, while Henry and Vanessa and Camilla and Sernsah compete for the last safe spot, and – of course – Camilla and Sermah get it.

Everyone goes off to get ready to dance for their lives and the judges make boring, inane comments about who is in the bottom three and remind us that if we want out favourites to stay, we have to vote.

Ok, Solo time.

Laura is up first and she totally suck fifty-four kinds of arse. I could dance better, and come up with a more cohesive routine with my eyes closed and my feet tied together.

Anthony forgets that this is SYTYCDA and not a Manpower audition. I yawn. He has that effect on me.

Steph wears not a lot at all and shimmy’s all over the stage with her butt poking out.

Marko is all contempo-boy and does lots of lovely leaps and turns and bendy things, and I hope against hope that he gets to dance with a decent partner one day.

Vanessa does some Ballet. Good for her!

Henry shows off his newly waxed chest in a little vest and torn jeans, but thankfully this week she’s showing us his jive, which doesn’t involve any sort of hip manipulation at all, so I can just say that it’s sleazy and greasy.

The judges go off and deliberate, while some random rapper tries to boost his flagging career for my enjoyment. I go to the toilet instead.

When the judges come back, they do the girls first and right away make Vanessa safe. Now it’s down to Laura and Steph and I think they both suck, and so does everyone else probably including the judges, but Steph gets sent packing, and Laura walks off, happy in the knowledge that she will probably be gone next week.

Steph makes a speech about learning and growing and being blessed with opportunity and taking the positive away with her and then some more about learning and growing. It’s so rehearsed I almost feel sorry for the girl: imagine being that sure you’re going home that you hire a speechwriter.

Still: yay! She’s gone!

Next up are the boys. Jason rambles a bit about how it was not unanimous and how this competition is all about versatility and they need different styles and how they don’t want to end up with 10 jazz dancers, and so Henry is safe, just like JD was last week, because he’s a token ‘not-jazz’ dancer.

Jason then adds that Henry is also good. Which is more than he could say about JD last week.

So it’s down to Anthony who makes me sleepy, and Marko, who would probably be lovely if he wasn’t lumped with a dead weight as a partner. I suddenly realize that Marko is screwed either way: If he gets booted, he’s booted. If he doesn’t, he’s dancing with Laura next week – and I start to think that it’s best if he just gets booted and then goes out and finds himself a nice, talented girl to dance with.

And so he does. It’s the wrong call, really, because Anthony is boring and hasn’t got anywhere to go, while Marko could potentially do so much more. But it’s probably best for everyone.

And that’s it, except for a note that Steph appeared in MX this week saying that Jason was acting like the mean judge and obvoiously had it in for her, and that all the dancers still in the competition this week have commented about being sad and shocked that Marko went home, and exactly 0 of them have had anything to say about Steph.

Life’s a bitch, eh?

So you get something out of this being so late after all! See you next week (or … this week, depending on whether your calendar starts on a Sunday or a Monday …)!

The SESA Mailbag #2

Dear Lee Aronsohn,

I'm not sure if you're the right person to talk to about this but I have some queries about your show Two And A Half Men, and there doesn't seem to be a definitive 'guy' to contact about the show. If you aren't the 'guy', can you pass this on to the 'guy'? Thanks.

Firstly, I'm wondering who came up with that there annoying theme song - if I can call an acapella group singing 'men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men' for 45 seconds a theme song and not just an aural assault on your audience? It's incredibly annoying - and obviously whoever thought of it thought they were much cleverer than they actually are.

Although, actually a teeny bit cleverer that the fool who heard it and decided that a refrain of 'meeeen!' should be inserted between each scene.

Yeah, I know. It's a show about men, and so the theme song is about men. But it would have been much cleverer and less offensive it the theme song was 'men men me-'

Get it? Two and a half men! And over in a heartbeat, resulting in a greatly reduced annoyancy quotient.

Secondly, I am confused as to why the 'man' who isn't Charlie Sheen keeps talking about women.

Isn't he gay? I always assumed he was gay. Isn't that the whole point of the show - guy loses wife and gets gay brother to move in and help raise cute kid?

If he's not gay, why did you cast Jack McFarland's less charismatic twin for the role? And - more importantly - if he's not gay, what's the difference between your show and - oh, I don't know - My Two Dads? Where's the 'modern-day twist on the standard sitcom format'? Why do you even have a show?

Finally (because I don't think even you can explain to me how Charlie Sheen went from tolerable film actor in such cheesy 80's awesomeness as Major League and Men At Work to boring, squinty sitcom star, so I won't even bother) - I have some problems with the 'half'.

Now, you've done a lot of sitcom work - you wrote for Who's the Boss?, for heavens sake - so I'd assume that you know the 'children=cute' rule. You must know that the whole point to children in sitcoms is to add cuteness. We want sacchrine sweet. We want adorable. We want a catchphrase. Most of all, we want 'awwww'. That is what children are there for.

Which is why this was a very risky casting decision. Sure, he seems to bring the cute. I can picture dorky one-liners coming out of that mouth, and I can even picture 'awwwing' them. But unless you're going into this show assuming you'll only get the one season, it's really worth rewatching The Wonder Years and taking note of what happened to adorable little Fred Savage before you make the final call.

Otherwise four years later you end up with this.

And, you know, it's ok for your regular viewers. They know. They know that he was once adorkable and now we're watching a particularly painful adolescence play out on screen. But us casual viewers just end up scratching our heads.

'Hang on, wasn't the kid on this show supposed to be cute? I swear I watched this show once and the kid was cute. What is that?'

But on the other hand, you're obviously all very lovely people. Less lovely people would have traded him in for a cuter, younger model.

It's too bad your show is still really crap.

Yours,

Chesty LaRue