Press Gang: Interface (AKA The One With the Computer)

Ok, let’s do this. If we race through the next few we might actually get to the good stuff before Christmas. The next ep. is a two parter and I’m not sure whether to do it as one super-jumbo recap of depressing Very-Special-Episodeness, or two. Thoughts? Opinions? Expressions of giving a shit?

Back to this episode: we open on a hand-drawn – by someone who has way too much time on their hands - sign that reads ‘bills’, hanging off a box. Someone is throwing things into it. Bills, I would presume. But who knows with this wacky show?

Now, the camera pans across a pair of shoes and some funky PG tunes start up. And another box – this one labeled ‘final demands’ in equally too-much-time text gets a few things dropped into it. And then we go up, and there’s Colin … going through the mail. In his awesome Kandinsky shirt.

Meanwhile Fraz is sleeping. Tiddler gives Lynda some mail, and Lynda tells her she’s female. Har.

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She also gives Spike a pink and perfumed letter from one ‘Lovely Giselle’ and Lynda claims not to be jealous. She’s probably never heard of the supermodel of the same name. Sigh.

Colin’s showing Spike a photocopy of a page from a newspaper – there’s an ad on it for a writing competition: The Roxborough award – first prize: a computer and printer. Just what the Junior Gazette needs, he says. Spike seems to be having trouble mustering up even a little bit of interest – and who can blame him. He’s only there for the Lynda-teasing.

Cut to two weeks later, and a shot of Fraz sleeping again, with his feet up on the desk and crossed over, and a little pile of mail wedged between his shoes.

Lynda grabs the mail, talking absently to sleeping Fraz. Colin comes over and he’s all excited – as excited as anyone gets in this episode – that Sarah is on the shortlist for the competition. Colin is backing up her entry with a letter about how Sarah is from a broken home with alcoholic parents etc. etc. which doesn’t particularly thrill Lynda. I’m kinda surprised, given the kind of crap she’s usually pulling to get her way. Maybe she’s still thinking about Spike and his terrible family situation and thinking that it’s not so cool to make the fun like that, who knows?

Either way, Colin agrees not to send the letter, but makes it clear that if they don’t win the computer, it’s on Lynda’s head.

And can someone now explain to me why if Sarah wins a creative writing contest, the prize goes to the Junior Gazette? It’s not like it’s a competition for youth newspapers, as far as I can tell.

You know what I hate about DVDs? No rewind button. Or, maybe that’s what I hate about playing DVDs on a PS2. Who knows. Either way I just missed something obviously important and I’ve got to start the whole episode again. Boo!

Ok, where were we? Now it’s three weeks later, and Fraz is awake but he’s lost the mail. Tiddler has tucked it into the back of his high-waisted pants and we get this cute little scene where Lynda is telling him they’re ‘behind him’ and he’s turning around in circles looking Frazzy.

A commotion at the other end of the newsroom gets their attention. OMG! It’s a computer. A big fancy one with TWO 5 1/4” floppy drives. Lynda congratulates Sarah and asks whether there was a handing-over ceremony or something. Sarah says that’s next month some time. So … maybe then she’ll get to take HER prize home? I’m still totally stuck on why the computer is automatically the property of the Junior Gazette. Stupid show.

*hugs show*

Oh. As it turns out … Sarah didn’t win. Colin did. For his stirring piece ‘The Early Years of Sarah Jackson’ – which he sent in after all, and which they assumed was fiction (because, as Lynda points out, it was).

Now, ok. I could get Sarah being so spineless that she just hands a valuable and big prize like that over to her after-school club, but someone please tell me that Colin would not have this thing straight up onto the 1991 equivalent of Ebay for a quick buck?

Lynda’s bored of this already – and walks off with Kenny talking newspaper stuff, until she gets to her Operations Board and sees the photocopied newspaper page about the competition again. I’m confused as to why a competition for individuals is on the Junior Gazette Board, but whatevs. It’s that kinds of episode I guess.

She thinks there was something a bit too easy about the whole thing. And I tend to agree with her. It’s four minutes into the show, we haven’t got a title yet and the only piece of plot that’s come up so far – aside from Fraz’s high-pants – has just resolved itself. No wonder she’s confused. What are they all going to do for the next seventeen minutes?

Lynda’s letting it go. I’m not, because as she walks off with Kenny to the darkroom some mysterious computery music starts playing and the camera fades to a close-up of the computer screen and the title of the episode finally comes up in bright breen computery writing.

Dum Dum DUM!!!

The next scene has everyone gathered around the computer with Lynda on the phone to Danny, sitting at another computer with the school admin assistant. She asks if he’s ready. He’s ready. To ... touch the keyboard.

Suddenly the words ‘MESSAGE BEING RECEIVED type themselves – letter by letter, because this is TV - on Colins Lynda’s sreen. And everyone woots.

Wow. I guess this kind of cyber-communication was a big deal in 1991.

At the other end of the newsroom Sarah is bitching that it’s all a bit strange: that Roxborough are an office supplies company that have nothing to do with creative writing, and that if it’s just for publicity they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job, given that there hasn’t been any. Methinks she’s just bitter she didn’t win.

On the screen (blue background, green type – like ALL TV computers of this era), some more words are typing themselves. Something about a computer dating agency. Lynda looks less than amused, but when the typey writing asks her name, she responds with ‘YES’ – and even I know that back in the day Y would have been sufficient. I could triple her productivity with that little nugget, but I won’t.

Now the typey writing tells her that her perfect match is … S P I K E T H O M S O N. Everyone laughs. I laugh. In the room with Danny the school admin assistant has morphed into Spike and he laughs. Lynda just gives the computer an evil look and mutters ‘Spike!’ with intent.

Now it’s suddenly later and it’s dark because Lynda turns out all the lights before she gets ready to leave, instead of on her way out the door like a normal person. Luckily she had the awesome blue glow of the computer monitor to help her see the armholes of her jacket. Kenny is talking to her about … something. Sorry. I tune out sometimes and, you know, no rewind button … and has to get into the little pool of blue glow to put his jacket on too.

They decide to leave the computer on, in case someone sends them a message. And I can’t even be bothered figuring out if that’s remotely realistic or not, given when I turn my computer off the messages are waiting for me when I turn it back on, but I’m in 2007 and not 1991.

As they go to leave Kenny asks if Lynda if she ever gets sick of this place. And she says no. Big surprise. Because she has absolutely no life.

Now there’s some tinking computer message and across the COMPTLETELY BLANK screen some words start to type themselves … a TV review. Interestingly, words typing themselves on a screen sound just like a dot matrix printer at work.

I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt here and use the fact that in the next screen Lynda is holding a print-out of the words to convince myself that that’s because the printer was printing out the words at the same time as they were typing themselves on screen.

But only because I really do like this show.

So, yeah. Kenny and Lynda are pouring over this anonymous TV review that – spookily – Lynda was saying she wanted. She says it’s good, but too short. Kenny’s just marveling at the anonymousness of it, but Lynda is convinced that it’s just someone on the news team who’s forgotten to put their name on it. Fair ‘nuff too. She tells Kenny to find out who it was and get them to double the length.

Sarah has gone off on her own to investigate this whole thing some more and, I’m assuming, to pummel the guy who said that Colin was a better writer than she was. She’s in some boofy blonde guy’s office and he’s got the framed Roxborough Award on his wall and is giving her a speil about how office supplies are just about words.

Yeah. Right. Because only word-related officed need office supplies.

Sarah looks unconvinced and asks about publicity, which makes apparently is his cue to get antsy and show her out. She leaves her backpack on the chair and as she barges back in to get it she catches the boofy blonde taking the certificate down. Oops.

She goes back to Lynda and says she’s sure the award was just up there for her benefit. Yes, Sarah, because it’s all about you. Maybe he was taking it down because he realised that it made no sense for him to have Colin’s certificate up on his wall? Did you think of that???

Lynda kinda brushes her to ask if she wrote the TV review, which she didn’t. And that means that someone on the news team has gone anonymous … which means a group meeting and Lynda telling them all off and demanding a name and a doubling of the length of the review.

Off in the distance, Spike is staring at the computer when more words start typing themselves. He calls Lynda over and she gets there just in time to see the expanded TV review write itself on her screen.

Well, that eliminates the news team, donnit? I’d say she owes them an apology for accusing them prematurely, but I know this is Lynda we’re talking about. There’s some debate whether they run it or not and if they do, who they say wrote it, which – really – who cares? Does it need a byline? Nothing in Mx ever has a byline.

Of course, instead of doing what I would do and just running the thing without a byline they make a whole big thing of it being by the ‘Mystery Writer’. Which Lynda explains to Kerr is an ‘if you haven’t got it, flaunt it’ approach. They both agree that the whole thing is rather … mysterious.

As she walks out of Kerr’s office Chrissie asks her if it’s all a gimmick to sell papers, which makes Lynda all furious and indignant, and so of course we cut to Colin standing in the schoolyard spruiking the whole Mystery Writer thing and Lynda standing in the background looking miserable and I wonder … if she didn’t want this to happen, why she devoted half the freaking front page and probably a good chunk of the inside to ‘Who is the Mystery Writer?’ teasers.

Back at the newsroom, it seems everyone from the local batty widow to the local orange-haired goth with black blusher to Mozart is claiming to be the Mystery Writer. Lynda is not amused and goes outside to sulk, where Colin finds her.

He’s swapped his Kandinsky shirt for Kandinsky shorts and mismatched converse and it’s so not a good look, but he’s found the mystery writer, who is in a ninja suit – complete with hood - wanting to get paid.

Lynda pulls the hood off to reveal Fraz, and then goes back to sulking.

And then sulking in front of the computer – because blue glow is so flattering for her complexion. She starts to natter away miserably to the computer about how horrible this whole situation is and wah wah wah and the computer responds with a typed ‘Hello’ so she types Hello and the computer asks her name and she types it and asks its name and then the message ends. So much mystery I could explode … sigh.

So of course Lynda goes off the talk to Kerr and he says that this person obviously wants to be found and that there must be clues and that it wouldn’t fit the pattern for there not to be clues. Right. Thanks BD Wong. Can you pass a message onto the SVU writers for me? Tell them that Olivia’s brother was the worst idea ever and their show sucks now. Thx.

KerrD Wong tries to shoo her out of his office but she’s all ‘you’re the only person I can talk to’ and I lose patience. Lynda’s a simpering little emo shithead in this episode and I’m over it. Can she really not stand to not know one little piece of information without going off and cutting herself because she feels so freaking lonely? Gah!!!!!

So, of course, this leads to a breakthrough as she realizes that not everyone is completely caught up in this great mystery and goes and pays Spike a visit, who is talking to the TV when she walking into his bedroom and stands silently behind him as he hands back his dirty underwear to be washed, thinking it’s his dad. She finally says something and he gets all shy and nervous and hides it with stupidly cute lines like ‘fancy meeting you here … and I do’ which make the last fifteen minutes of Emo Lynda and KerrD Wong almost worthwhile.

Lynda wants to talk about the Mystery writer. Spike challenges to a game of trivial pursuit and they’re hanging out on his bed and actually having a conversation and it’s awesome and sweet and cool and would only be made better if they stopped talking occasionally to pash on. Or it was Strip Trivial Pursuit.

And of course this little chat with Spike leads to enhanced clue-searching ability and – under the blue glow of the monitor on Lynda’s desk, which is so intense it turns everything near it blue even when all the lights are on and the room is bright white – manage to find an address hidden cryptically in the original competition advert photocopy. Wow. Spike really does have that awesome an effect on people.

And they go to the house and there’s freaky music playing and Spike offers to come in with her but she doesn’t want him to and he wishes her luck and leaves – sadly without any kissing. As she approaches the house the door opens and – OMG!!! – it’s the guy from the Office Supplies company!! And he invites her in.

Don’t go Lynda! It’s a trap! He collects newspaper editors to torture them!

Except not. He shows her into a random bedroom and then leaves. In the room is a computer and a funny headset. She’s all puzzled when suddenly … the door starts to open …. It’s the office supplies guy! With a knife and some rope!

No, not really. …. It’s just a chubby guy in a wheelchair.

They cut the whole bit where he explains to her what the fuck is going on and gets straight to the bit where he needs them to have a computer to communicate and is paralysed from the neck down (which …. and I may be completely wrong here …. Seems to the layprson to make the fact that he keeps moving his left shoulder kinda remarkable). He likes being the mystery writer and doesn’t want anyone knowing who he is and then he kicks her out as we see on his screen ‘I am Billy Homer and I am a tetraplegic’. Deeep.

She leaves and talks to the Office Supplies guy while she helps him him dry dishes. And of course she tells him he’s doing it wrong and he tells her she’s just like she was described, which is when she figures out that the two of them must have had inside help to pull all this off and tries to guess who it was.

Office Supplied guy leads the conversation away from that and toward various members of the news team and gets Lynda saying that Spike is all right and quite sweet as Spike walks up behind them. Aw. Cute and … I guess he’s the insider then.

That seems to piss Lynda off enough to go and tell Billy that she’s not into the mystery writer thing and that he’s either on the team properly or not at all and that he has to come to the meeting at the newsroom tomorrow or no deal, which I think is a bit harsh – given it’s not exactly like he can just jump on his pushy and ride over the the newsroom with no notice or anything - but when she leaves the room his dad is all thumbs up. So …. Ok.

So cut to the meeting and Lynda is waiting and asks Spike if he thinks he’ll come (because Spike has apparently known Billy a long time) and Spike doesn’t know. She goes to start the meeting when Spike interrupts by opening the door and the Office Supplies guy and Billy come in and as Billy wheels into the room Spike starts clapping with such force it kinda scares me - But it’s ok because everyone joins in and stands up and is all impressed and even Lynda half-smiles and it’s your classic ‘triumph over adversity’ moment and let’s all give them a big fat ‘aw’ … AWWWWWWWW!!

And that’s it. Roll credits. Kenny is making fun of Lynda for the visiting Spike and playing Trivial Pursuit thing. I realize we never found out who won that game and choose to believe it was Spike and that very fact has made Lynda fall completely in love with him. /fanwank.

Grade: D for most of it because the rhythm and pace were just off and Emo Lynda is annoying. B+ for the Spike-Lynda moment.

Press Gang: A Night In (AKA The One With The Eat-Off)

Ok. Press Gang. Rocks. Etc. You know the drill, so let’s get into it, shall we? And what better way to start off than with Julie and Danny and Fraz and Colin and Sarah and Kenny take turns talking to camera about why they can’t be somewhere. I’m guessing the camera is Lynda. It’s all kind of dull and only Kenny actually makes me laugh: ‘Could you tell me what excuses haven’t been given?’

Yeah, it’s cheesy, but hey – it’s a sign that the writers are finally blessing him with one of those pesky personality things.

Spike enters – and we hear him before we see him. And then we only see his feet, on which are american flag sneakers that look remarkably similar to those canvas things the kids are getting about in these days – Press Gang = Style Beacon, obvs. He’s racecalling his feet and at one point he says that they’re ‘neck and neck, which is a pretty good trick for feet’ and I laugh because it’s punny.

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His feet bump into Lynda’s feet and she tells him it’s sweet that he’s found a couple of friends. He tells her he’d love to stay and chat but her blouse doesn’t match her skirt and it’s annoying him, and walks off.

Just so you know, she’s wearing a blue t-shirt under plaid shirt in various shades of beige, with rolled-up sleeves, and a black and white polka dot skirt – bigger dots that usual. Obviously Spike’s feet have taste. She catches up with him and asks what he’s doing tonight. Apparently it’s just a kidney transplant, and they can mail it to him. So she hands him a random slip of yellow paper. Methinks this is what everyone else was trying to avoid earlier. Me also thinks that this show should just be that banter between Spike and Lynda.

Spike protests. ‘Not a Yellow! It’s Saturday!’

Oh! A Yellow! I … don’t know what that is.

Sarah who is whinging about homework and how she’s got a Yellow and blah blah blah – shut up Sarah! – and Tiddler steps in and offers to take her Yellow. Strangely (or perhaps not – given this is Sarah we’re talking about) this doesn’t cheer Sarah up.

Kenny tries on a seriously ill aunt for size, only to be reminded that he went to her funeral not two weeks ago. He concedes the point, but notes that ‘that’s serious’. Heh.

Ok. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Lynda cuts Spike off at the door - she’s found his crumpled Yellow and is not happy. So not happy that she’s threatening to call Sullivan and have him booted off the paper and thus out of school if he doesn’t show up for late duty – which is what a Yellow means, apparently - tonight. Oooooh …

There’s this whole face-off bit and Spike is all ‘I won’t be here, make your call!’ and she’s all like ‘kenny, give me Sullivans phone number!’ and they’re staring each other down and I’m all ‘Pash! Pash! Pash! Pash!’ but I know I’m not going to get my way tonight. And then she’s all ‘Will you be here?’ and he’s all ‘I wouldn’t want to spoil your fun! You’re really enjoying yourself for the first time ever!’ and everyone else is standing around and then someone asks Lynda if this is about yesterday.

Which apparently is not the right answer – er, question, and she gets even nastier and Spike makes a move toward her which makes everyone scream but all he does is picks up a big pile of paper and throws it into the air and then goes to leave.

Toughguy.

Sarah catches him at the door and tries to nicely talk him into coming.

Lynda is dialing – and announcing it in her most bossiest voice. Sarah is telling Spike that she’s just in a funny mood … because of yesterday.

And I’m guessing this ‘yesterday’ thing will go on for a while, so I should stop expecting them to tell me what happened ‘yesterday’ any time soon. Sigh.

I love this show. Really.

Lynda gets Sullivan on the phone but asks him to hold as she says goodbye to spike and asks him to send a postcard. He storms out. Sarah goes after him, and Lynda turns to Kenny and asks why she just called the weather forecast.

Time passes. In an instant, in fact. And it’s 5.30.

Now Lynda is sitting at her desk looking cranky. Tiddler is sitting at another desk and saying ‘fridge’ a lot – which, obviously, is her non-swear swearword. But Kenny still has to ask. Ok – so they’re making him witty, not smart. Fine. It’s better than ‘wet blanket’.

Lynda tries to phone Sullivan but Kenny has disconnected the phone and is giving her a lecture on how she should give Spike a chance and all the rest, which sends her into defensive mode pointing out that it’s not personal and she’s not out to get Spike (except into her pants … which she doesn’t say, but I think …) and nothing would make her happier than if Spike walked in the door right now -

And so he does! He’s got groceries! And a plaid shirt to match Lynda’s! But pinker! And he’s brought along his stock of punny jokes! Hurrah!

Surprisingly, Lynda doesn’t look happy. And yells at him for being late. He ignores her and goes and flirts with tiddler … or, I assume it’s flirting because he’s complimenting the day-glow mess that she’s calling an outfit, which either means he’s flirting or he wants to borrow money, and Tiddler is wearing half ping-pong balls for earrings, so I doubt she’s got any money.

Lynda interrupts their little chatathon and gets all up in Spike’s face, which is kinda cool because Spike + Tiddler = Boring while Spike + Lynda = Awesome (although Spike + Me = Even More Awesome, but in the meantime …). And she’s all ‘did you get frightened of little old me?’ and he’s all ‘you’re so uptight your feet don’t reach the ground’ and so she looks down and he’s all ‘made you look’ and I am totally loving this.

Kenny is trying to break them up, and I ask why? A few more minutes and you know there will be slapping … and then hairpulling. And then at some point there’s got to be pashing. So leave them to it, I say!

Except he doesn’t. He points out that Lynda doesn’t usually let Spike get to her like this, and asks what’s wrong. Only she doesn’t answer. Spike answers. He says he knows, and that Sarah told him, which makes Lynda storm off in a huff and Kenny ask again if this is about yesterday.

Oh – yesterday again. Won’t someone just tell Kenny (and me) what happened yesterday!?

Spike is all cryptic and tells him that ‘Lynda’s boyfriend made history’ – which is not how I remember the line, but maybe we’re not at the payoff yet. He finds Lynda in the graphics room and starts talking to her in his nice voice, which would melt even the most frozen heart, but instead makes Lynda more yelly, which in turn makes Spike yelly and he goes to storm out of the door ‘before this gets any more stupid’.

And so, of course, he swings the door open to go and bumps right into Colin. In a bunny suit. Did someone say ‘more stupid?’ I think they did! The comic timing in this episode warms my geeky little heart.

Colin is gong on about some rich guys house he’s going to and he’s all nervous and excited because he’s all formal and uptight. Everyone is trying to ask why he’s in a bunny costume, but doesn’t get it out. And then it comes out that his mother has made him dress up as a rabbit for his little sister’s birthday party, and in all the excitement bout going to the formal, uptight rich guys house, he forgot to get changed!

He declares his life over and starts pounding his head against the wall and getting all distraught, which is just so cute.

Incidentally, his nose is a half-ping-pong ball. Oh for the days where TV continuity was not a dirty word …


Spike suggests he go home and change, which … once he thinks it over … he realizes is a great idea, and goes to leave. He comments that his family was on their way out for the evening but it’s ok because his housekeys are in his jacket pocket, and then goes.

Spike asks how long before he realizes he’s not wearing his jacket, as the cry from a tortured rabbit breaks out across the newsroom, and Lynda runs out to see to him and convinces him to run home and try to catch his family before they go out.

She comes back in and they all do this ‘poor guy’ thing and then crack up and the press gang piano is playing and it’s all lighthearted and nice. Aw.

Time passes in an instant again – TV is so good at that – and now Spike is sitting on a desk chatting to Kenny, who is curious as to the nature of the history that Lynda’s boyfriend made yesterday. Spike says the ‘Lynda’s boyfriend made history of Lynda’ joke, and Kenny finally gets it. As do I. Or, more accurately, this would be when I got it if I a)hadn’t seen this show a hundred times and b) didn’t have a brain.

Lynda interrups to ask them to get their facts straight. She hasn’t been dumped. James Armstrong just needs more time to study.

Spike comments he’s hungry and says it’s time for dinner. He asks if they like Chinese. Kenny comments that they usually just go to the fish & chip shop, but Spike starts pulling things out of his grocery bags (including his own wok) and announces that they’re having Peking-style chicken and garlic. Lynda looks amazed and … appalled that he can cook.

This of course leads to one of those awkward conversations between the divorce kid and the happy family kid where the divorce kid tells jokes about how his mom left so often when he was growing up that he though that he name was ‘leaving’ and that Santa Clause was a marriage counselor and the happy family kid asks how they can joke about it and given this is TV show … it’s kind of touching and realistic and - except for the puniness, because I’m not punny - not dissimilar to the conversations I had with the happy family kids when I was growing up.

Of course, they have to ruin it with Spike making a comment about Lynda and her saying – again, that she was not dumped. And storming off, again, to go sit at her desk and fume and break pencils.

Spike comes over and gives her a pillow to kick the hell out of, which she doesn’t want, even though it does look surprisingly like him – no backbone. And she says she has no hositily or aggression to work off. As she breaks another pencil.

Spike asks how many pencils she’s on. And she yells that she wasn’t dumped.

Ok. I love Lynda. Love her. And all her foibles. But if she exclaims – in reply to nothing – ‘I wasn’t dumped!’ in her bossy voice once more in this episode I will bang my head against the keyboard.

Plus, James Armstrong wasn’t even hot. Not like Spike is hot.

Colin bursts in in a tizz and advises everyone to never to try to thumb a lift in a bunny costume. He’s all torn up and dirty, because he missed his family as they were leaving and tried to break in as two policemen were walking past and they thought he was a robber and went after him but he made a run for it and got away. And here he is. And not at the rich guys house.

Colin asks Spike for his clothes. And they both go to start undressing

*cue canned Wooooooo borrowed from the kissing scenes in Saved By The Bell*

But not for long – as Colin finds his zipper is stuck. Which causes more distress and rapid breathing.

Kenny asks why this is such a disaster – because in this episode, Kenny has a personality: he’s become moderately amusing and ….. the dumbest person in the world.

Colin says that there are certain things you can’t do in a rabbit costume … like meet rich people. And … pee. Not that he says that, but he does say his legs are crossed in four places, so I can only guess.

Kenny suggests he go as he is and Colin gets rather sarcastic and whiny and is all hunched over in obvious bladder pain – which seems to have been brought on rather suddenly by this particular verbal exchange, because I swear he was fine a minute ago.

Kenny tries reverse psychology and – hurrah! – it works and Colin runs off to try to use the bunny suit to his advantage with the uptight formal rich man … it’s going to end badly, I can feel it in my waters.

And everyone does a bit of fake laughery after except Lynda who just yells – again – that she was not dumped.

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Sorry. I said it would happen.

Some cheesy oriental music starts up as they all sit down to eat. Everyone has chopsticks and as it turns out … Lynda isn’t so good with them. She kinda shovels food into her mouth. And off the plate. And drops a lot. And throws some at Kenny.

Spike goes to show her how to do it, which makes her get all supercompetitive and there’s this whole wild-west showdown with Spike and Lynda eating and staring each other down with close ups of their eyes and Lynda’s food-stained mouth and then they reach a point where Spike has one piece of food left and Lynda has three and they stare each other off and Spike looks all relaxed, until Lynda stabs all three remaining morsels of food with her chopsticks and jams them into her mouth. And then wipes her face in a show of victory. Hot.

Spike says that Lynda is the only person he’s met who eats dinner to win. She stares at him for a while and goes from stony faced to slightly less as she admits that she was dumped and walks out of the room and into the bathroom.

The three remaining kids wonder if Lynda is crying. Kenny wonders if she does cry.

Colin walks back in to break up the awkward, only he looks completely shut down. He plonks himself into a chair and tells them his story.

The rich guy died last week. It was his funeral this afternoon and they were having the wake at his house. Colin admits heavily that he regrets pushing past the guy who opened the door, rushing into the house and shouting ‘Hi walter, I’m a bunnygram!’ to a room full of mourners.

Ouch.

Colin looks devastated and on the verge of tears. He excuses himself to go into the toilet and whimper for a bit, but Kenny points out that it’s taken and suggests under one of the desks.

And you know … I always wondered where I got my urge to hide under the desk at work whenever things got a bit difficult. Now I know. Thanks you, wonderful show.

Spike goes and knocks on the toilet door and gives her a lovely speech about how he knows she’s upset and he mentions that his dad thinks apologizing is what your wife does when you hit her enough – and I am wondering when this cute kids show became such heavy going with the dead people and the awkward and the domestic violence references.

Spike is telling Lynda that the reason he came in was to show her that he’s not the jerk she thinks he is, and he’s also found out that she’s not a total bich – but they don’t say bitch because this is kids TV and while throwaway comments about domestic violence are ok, the b-word is not – but that she’s human and he tells her she doesn’t have to hide it and they won’t think she’s lousy because she cries and stuff.

At which point she opens the door and barges straight past him without saying a word and back into the newsroom. She turns the lights on and becomes all editor-lady and starts giving everyone orders. In another nice callback, Kenny is still working on a hillwalking story.

For the first time all episode, I wonder why they need late duty at all … given that they just spent the entire night tooling around? It doesn’t matter, I suppose, but I am curious.

Spike tries to talk to her, and she denies that she was crying and he tells her she can’t keep up the ice-princess thing. Which she takes as a challenge to do just that, and yells out some more orders as we freeze frame and go to credits, with just the sound of Colin sobbing in the background.

Grade: A- The minus is for the difficulty level of recapping such awesome dialogue. More Spike and Lynda, please.

Press Gang: Deadline (AKA Not the One Where Someone Dies)

It’s Press Gang time again, and I know you’re all excited.

Ok. Maybe it’s just me that’s excited. But that’s the most important thing, right? That I’m amused?

Right.

So, on with the show!

This evening we open on the entire junior gazette staff crammed into a bathroom as Danny spies on Lynda and Kerr with his camera. His camera that looks like an SLR with about a 50mm lens, but that is actually a special zoom lens. The cynic in me would suggest that the camera is only in use to a) give Danny something to do (and why? He’s not in the credits – why does he need anything to do? Why can’t Spike do more?) and b) give us those funky ‘the screen is the camera lens’ shots with the centrebox and the focus point marked out on the screen.

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So they’re spying on Lynda and Kerr and Lynda is pulling on her left earlobe which apparently means it’s good. Which makes everyone cheer. Especially Sarah who has been edgy to leave because she has a date with Garry Morris after this. At least it’s not James Armstrong, I think. Whatever happened to him? Spike is counting Sarah’s mentions of her date and he gets up to 266.

Colin is on the phone selling advertising to someone based on a story their running of the opening of their shop the next day.

Everyone is dispersing but Danny is still looking in his magical camera and he’s noticed something strange happening. Lynda and Kerr are going into another room. With two guys. Who look like printers! Because you can pick a printer just by looking at them in 1989! And now Lynda is tugging on her right earlobe. Which is bad news.

How bad, you ask? Very bad, Lynda explains to the group (sans Sarah). The printers are going on strike at midnight and there will be no Junior Gazette next week until they can have it ready to print by 10.30 tonight.

Everyone is all confused and I’ll admit – so am I. Can’t they just get another printer? It’s not like there’s only one. Or maybe in 1989 there is. Who knows? Anyway, it comes to this: they have three hours to write next weeks news.

And cue funky music and frantic typewritery and the title of the episode: Deadline. Damn. I was hoping that meant it was one of the controversial one where someone dies.

Kenny tries to convince Lynda that this whole thing is really stupid. I think it’s far more entertaining that a ‘teacher feature’ so far, so I’m willing to go with it. Lynda is convinced it will be fine, and points out to Kenny that this is what a ‘rainy day file’ is for. Kenny is pretty sure that the rainy day file is full of wet stories (heh), and that they can’t lead with the story of a little old lady with 27 cats if she’s planning to make a coat out of them.

I disagree. I think that would be hilarious, but I am just one (1) girl.

In the meantime, Spike seems to have been charged with finding Sarah and dragging her back to the newsroom to write something. His first attempt achieves nothing but alerting Sarah’s mother to the fact that her daughter is at a party she was banned from going to with a boy she was banned from seeing. If I liked Sarah, I might feel bad for her. But I don’t, so I’m amused.

More amusement comes from the bewildered look on Fraz’s face as he wonders how he’s going to do the horoscopes a week in advance. Spike tells him to make it up, which just bewilders him more – how is he meant to know what he’ll make up a week in advance.

Spike points out that it could be worse and that someone has to report on the football a week in advance.

And picking up yet another of the bazillion plotlines we’re going to have to follow through this episode, Colin is pointing out to Lynda that they can’t afford to do this whole thing. Remember how he sold that ad based on the story about the shop opening? Well he guaranteed the advertiser that he would get a photo of some local celebrity called Tommy Anderson at their shop opening the next morning to seal the deal. And now that they’re printing tonight they can’t get the photo. And if they don’t get the photo, they don’t get the ad.

Lynda doesn’t really care. She just wants the whole thing fixed. And I don’t blame her. Colin can be amusing and cute, but he’s a bit of a shitheel at times.

Spike’s next move in Operation-Find-Sarah is to drop her in it with one of her friends – who thought that Garry Morris was her boyfriend. Poor Spike. Poor Sarah (heh).

Awesomely, Kenny has found a story. Not awesomely, it’s about Mr Sullivan’s sewage-infested garden, which sounds about as interesting to me as the one about the lady with the cats called ‘pocket’ and ‘collar’. Awesomely, the story is going to see this episode littered with poo jokes, and I love me a good poo joke. Not awesomely, they never say the word ‘poo’.

Awesomely, Colin’s got a plan to get Local Celebrity Tommy Anderson to go down to the shop tonight so they can get the photo they need. Not awesomely, Colin has sold Tommy something dodgy in the past and Tommy tells him to get bent.

Awesomely, Tiddler has a suggestion for the football story. Not awesomely, Fraz doesn’t think it’s going to work. Or – is that awesome because he pulls his cute cynical face?

So Kenny goes off to see Mr Sullivan and Colin grabs Danny and goes off to see Tommy Anderson and Mr Sullivan ditches Kenny to go on a date with some hottie and Tommy Anderson slams the door in Colin’s face. This is all not boding well for the Junior Gazette.

Meanwhile, Sarah is out on her date. She looks like she borrowed her grandmothers floral church dress, tore it into pieces and layered it over a black cropped singlet and tights. With a topknot. And black boots. With white socks. And she still looks way better than Garry Morris, who is short. And wearing a suit. With a stupid hat. And a red waistcoat. And a slight Mr Bean accent.

Obviously, he’s not wearing the hat. If he was we wouldn’t be able to see that he’s pulled his mullet back into a ponytail with a little coloured scarf.

He’s holding the hat, and being all aloof while Sarah does this whole sickening overenergised chatty thing.

Spike catches up with them and tells Sarah about the printers strike. She gets all pissy because she’s on a date with Mullet Man, and Mullet Man gets all pissy and Spike gets all sarcastic to Mullet Man and I love him just a little bit more with every cutting insult that comes out of his beautiful rubber-lipped mouth. But Sarah’s not falling for it. She points out that not everyone does everything that Lynda wants, because not everyone is nuts about her and she stomps off in her black boots with her white socks. But she does take her notes. So small victory.

Spike looks kind of shocked and wounded and denies that he’s nuts about her. Hush, Spike. She’s just jealous. Remember when she was looking you up and down in the first episode? Yeah. She’s jealous. Don’t let the jealousy bring you down.

As for the denial … I have one word: bathwater. Liar.

Back at the newsroom, Lynda is doing her best to sabotage Sullivan’s date. Tiddler and Fraz are working out team lists and strategies and he’s still looking all cynical. Spike arrives back with news of Sarah. It’s all happening, as usual.

Damn this show is hard to recap. There is so much going on. Stupid show.

I mean, er, I love this show. *hugs show*

Colin and Danny are back at Tommy’s house, trying to get him down to the store with tales of a this-is-your-life type surprise. It doesn’t work and Tommy slams the door on them again.

Sarah is at the party, pashing on with Mullet Man. No, I lie. She’s on the phone to Kenny. Because I know that when I am at a party trying to have a good time with a boy I like and avoid some people who assume I have no life and am available to do anything they want wheever they want, I too will sit in the hallway and talk to them on the phone instead of trying to charm the pants off my date.

No, not really. You?

Anyway, she’s on the phone to Kenny. Telling him over and over she’s not writing the story. But not hanging up. Julie grabs the phone and guides Sarah to the little black book in Mullet Man’s pocket. Predictably, the little black book contains ratings out of ten and a list of all the girls he asked to the party first.

Sarah is a four. She hangs up.

At the newsroom, Julie tells the boys she was a nine. Kenny is still confused as to whether this means Sarah will do the story. Julie says yes. Spike suggests she will sooner attempt suicide. I’d pay to see that – and I’ll take the one-way ticket to hell as well. Thx.

Lynda accosts Sullivan at what is apparently a fancy restaurant but looks more like a cheaply decorated faux-swiss chalet. There’s a bit of banter about Sullivan’s virility and his date and his French. It’s very nearly flirty, and they’re standing in this rather couply pose and she’s looking up at him with these big Lynda eyes, which is kind of icky due to the whole Lynda-is-sixteen-and-Sullivan-is-her-teacher thing, but it seems to do the trick because she manages to blackmail him into letting her join him and his date for dinner.

At the party, Sarah is sitting on the bathroom floor. Her wrists are intact, which is – good, I suppose. She gets out her pen and her notes and grabs the roll of toilet paper. Everything’s coming up Junior gazette, but I’m still fascinated by her white socks. I mean, I get it. It was the 80’s. We all did it. But … I still hate her.

Mullet Man is knocking on the door. Sarah tells him off with one of her patented lectures about being a dickhead and her not standing for it. And yes, I know he’s a dick, but I still want her to shut up.

Happily, she gets her comeuppance when Mullet Man interrupts her self-righteous rant to tell her he only wanted to use the bathroom. Take that, Sarah.

And we’ve been away from the newsroom for a while so it’s about time we cut back there, yeah? Tiddler and Fraz are finishing up a game of tiddlywinks and I can’t help but notice that she has the stupidest crush on him, despite the fact that he can’t tiddlywinks for shit.

Over at Tommy’s house, some little old lady has interrupted his evening to ask for help. He picks her as a patsy right away, and she drops the little-old-lady voice and goes all ‘you rumbled me’. He replies in a bogey-esque ‘That’s right, shweethart’ and that’s kinda why I love this show. Even the old lady and the Local Celebrity play well off each other. Not that it’s going to help Colin with his photo, especially after Danny shows up to point out that it’s all useless because even f they could get Tommy down to the store, the sign isn’t up yet.

At the restaurant, Sullivans poo story has put his date – who never got told the one about the red hair and purple satin not being the best of friends – into a bit of a huff. He’s not getting lucky tonight. Unless … you know. Lynda.

Eh. Make that one-way ticket on the Helltrain first class. Ew.

Back to the show.

Sarah is on the phone to Kenny and he’s all chuffed because she wrote her story and she’s all chuffed because … I don’t know why. She hang up and hugs her writer-all-over roll of TP as Mullet Man calls out for the bathroom because he’s obviously done a big sloppy one (I’m sorry … I’m 12 really - and immature at that) and there’s no paper. So she passes him his little black book and is all amused with herself.

Ok. I’m a teeny bit amused with her too. But just this once.

See how everything is coming together? Can’t you just hear that background music? That music they play any time things come together for my favourite bunch of malcontents? Sarah’s back at the newsroom typing up her story, and Lynda’s approved the write-up of the football game, and Lynda’s got the poo story.

Now all they need is Colin’s photo.

Thankfully, Colin has yet another idea. It’s not even a terrible one. And it works – for the next time Tommy Anderson opens his front door he may be in his pyjamas and looking all bleary-eyed, but he’s also standing under the temporarily relocated shop sign and in front of a photographer.

It’s almost beautiful, never mind that it’s very obviously nighttime.

So then we get the typical shots of the printers and some really cheesy hurrah music and Lynda and Colin and Kenny are standing at the presses with big cheesy smiles and Kenny is all ‘We did it!’

And it would be a fine and dandy bit old pile of cheese if they ended it there. But no, Kenny has to turn to Colin and ask ‘Tommy Anderson? Wasn’t he the one who …?’ and Kenny and Colin have to smile and nod and I have to not get it at all. I didn’t mind that Spike was the one at the school dance who … but at least that was a running joke. This is just completely and irritatingly random.

And because obviously they couldn’t end the show on that big pile of wtf, now it all goes back to where it started, and they’re spying on Kerr with the printers. Tiddler wonders what Kerr would do if he found out they were spying on him, and of course everyone is all like ‘he wont find out’, just as Kerr looks out the window and … pulls on his right earlobe.

Too funny.

And that’s another episode. Done and dusted. Except for the Credit talkies, which are Sarah inviting Garry and a whole bunch of his girlfriends to the same place at the same time. I hate Sarah.

But it is a teeny bit funny.

Grade: Oh, C+ I've been too hard on you show *hugs show*

Press Gang: One Easy Lesson (AKA The Sarah Is Crap One)

I never really thought I’d say this but there were some really boring episodes in the first season, and this is one of them. Not surprisingly, it’s a Sarah episode. Stupid whingy Sarah.

But at least the credits are still awesome – although I don’t know why they feature Spike. Is he even in this episode? It doesn’t feel like it.

So, Lynda is standing outside a mens toilet. Is she waiting for Spike so they can banter and be adorable? No. She’s waiting for Sullivan – the ‘Stashe from the first episode – who owes her an article for the paper. He wants an extension and she’s not willing to give him one, until he points out that she owes him an English essay.

She says she’s busy. He says he’s busy.

She asks how busy he can be if he’s just spent eight minutes on the toilet, which is two minutes longer than yesterday and I kind of die a little inside at the fact that one of my TV idols is actually kind of … weird. And is wearing a polka-dot skirt. Yech.

Sullivan ignores Lynda to poke his head into an out of control classroom and ask the hapless teacher at it’s head if everything is ok – despite the fact that it’s obviously not – before wandering off. If you don’t know that this is going to be relevant later, it makes no sense. Thankfully – you have me to tell you. So you know.

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And … cut to newsroom. Today’s scene-setting montage goes like this: Kenny is hiding the phone. Colin has a huge box. Julie is suggesting an acne advice column. Fraz is training a bunch of new recruits while demonstrating his adorable dopiness. And a younger girl in a school uniform is watching it all through some bookshelves.

Sarah is looking mysteriously annoyed and Kenny tries to cheer her up by doing an impression of the teacher we saw earlier trying to quiet his class down. It doesn’t work and Sarah yells at him and runs away. Ok, so it was the worst impression I’ve ever seen and Kenny was really just talking like Kenny, but there was no need for yelling. Really. It’s just going to encourage him.

Meanwhile, Spike – who thankfully does have at least one line in this episode – asks Colin about the boxes. Which are full of half ping-pong balls that Colin spent a whole bunch of Junior Gazette ad money on. He says it was because it was a bargain and he couldn’t resist, but I’m sure it was just to give Lynda an opportunity to threaten to kill him and the episode a Cheesy Colin B-plot.

And … yes. He suddenly decided he’s going to sell the half-ping pong balls as ‘Pings’. Cheesy Colin B-plot – here we come.

These newsroom scenes are non-stop action as the younger girl in the uniform now parks herself at Sarah’s desk and starts typing on a blank sheet of paper. ‘The Junior Junior Gazette’. It’s a start, I suppose. At least she can spell ‘Junior’ – unlike Julie.

Lynda asks Kenny where Sarah is and he tells her she stormed out after he did his impression of Mr Knowles – the hapless teacher. He does the impression again and it’s still bad, and this would have been much funnier if Lynda had yelled at him and stormed off too. Which maybe she did because we don’t get to see her reaction as we’re suddenly in Knowles’ class …

He’s doing this pathetic whimpering ‘now settle down class’ thing and everyone is ignoring him except Sarah, who is shooting death stares at everyone who is ignoring him. The bell goes – which makes me think that he’s been saying ‘now settle down class’ for the past forty minutes, because why would he start a minute before the end of the class – and everyone runs out. Except Sarah. And Knowles. Who slumps in his chair. Sarah is seemingly hanging about to hear the homework assignment.

No, wait: it seems like Sarah and Knowles know each other. But are not getting it on – sadly. In fact, their relationship seems to consist of Knowles being pathetic and Sarah feeling sorry for him. Sigh. Secret student-teacher sex would be way more interesting.

Sullivan comes in and asks for a word. Sarah leaves to go and eavesdrop at the door as Sullivan reminds Knowles to believe in himself and various other advice that is really dumb. I’d be suggesting an AK47 fired into the ceiling. That would shut the little fuckers up.

Sarah’s eavesdropping is interrupted by Colin - who is covered in half-ping pong balls – asking her if she pings. And of course there is a cheesy ‘ping’ sound effect - just in case you didn’t know this was the Cheesy Colin B-plot.

Colin tries to sell her some ping headphones, for lovers of silence. It’s cute, but she’s all touchy this episode so yells at him to go away. Sullivan comes out of the room and gives them both filthy looks – even though Colin wasn’t even eavesdropping.

In the classroom, Knowles has his head in his hands and his glasses off. Diddums.

And …. more newsroom. Where Sarah is trying to sell Lynda on the idea of ‘Teacher Features’ – which will give everyone the opportunity to better know their teachers, except sounds a bit too much like ‘creature features’ for me to think it’s going to be flattering. Lynda right away picks not only that this is about Knowles, but that he’s Sarah’s cousin – which she worked out from the fact that Sarah got upset when Kenny did the impersonation. Right. Because Lynda is psychic now, but not psychic enough to know that this is a bad idea. So she agrees.

Incidentally, the potplant is covered in pings painted to look like ladybirds. Ping!

Fraz comes over and asks Lynda to tell her sister to stop using his typewriter. Lynda of course doesn’t have a sister but it looks like the younger girl in the uniform is busted …. She explains: her name is Tiddler and she thinks the Junior Gazette needs a kids page because there’s nothing in it for under 12s and she thinks writing such a page will put her in good stead to take over as editor when Lynda leaves school in a couple of years.

Lynda looks stunned … but what can she say to her twelve-year old self?

Julie interrupts to show Colin a poster she’s designed for his pings. Except she’s called them pongs so the poster says ‘do you pong?’ which isn’t quite the right question. It’s also really ugly. Julie is an idiot. I really have no time for her until Season Five.

Back at the school, Sarah is interviewing Knowles and he’s making all the usual statements about how he’s always wanted to be a teacher so he can shape young minds and improve the future and blah blah blah I don’t care. He also collects butterflies … which anyone with a brain would know will not endear him to your average fifteen-year-old kid.

Thankfully, Sarah is writing the story, so no such thought occurs to her.

Somewhere offscreen a newspaper gets printed, and in the next scene we see Kerr reading it while Lynda stares at him, longing for approval. He tells her it’s not bad, which she doesn’t like but then Chrissie’s mullet reminds her that not bad is good, by virtue of being … not bad.

You’d think these newspaper types would have a broader vocabulary … says me whose fallback word of the month is ‘awesome’.

Back at the school, Lynda does her creepy toilet thing with Sullivan and he also tells her the latest issue of the paper is not bad. Just out of shot, we hear a kids voice exclaim ‘butterflies?’ Hee.

In class, Knowles is showing off his butterfly collection, all proud and hopeful-like. Surprisingly, it seems to be going well. Not surprisingly, it doesn’t last and the kids start playing catch with some rather valuable specimens and – shock horror – they get broken.

Knowles looks devastated but as one of the kids rightly points out: it’s ok. They were already dead. Hahaha! Shitheads.

In Sullivans office Lynda and Sarah are getting a telling off for their Teacher Features, and for Knowles’ new nickname of ‘Butterfly’ – which isn’t really their fault. They’re smart, they would have come up with a much better nickname had they been given the chance. Especially if Spike was allowed more than two lines in this whole episode.

Sullivan starts making his lunch as he dismissed them. He has ping-sized portions of butter. Ping!

Sarah decides the best plan here is to talk to Knowles and say sorry, but he’s doing this whole ‘oh, the Junior Gazette did me a favour and made me realize I could never be a real teacher’ which – sure, there was no engagement of brain but – doesn’t strike me as fair. He was always a crap teacher. That’s not actually Sarah’s fault. The butterfly thing: Sarah’s fault. The crap teaching: not.

And believe me, I wish I could blame Sarah for all the evils of the world, so admitting she’s not responsible is kind of tough.

Sarah doesn’t take all this very well and tells him off for his defeatist attitude. This episode is so full of guilt-trippery I’m starting to feel bad for both Knowles being a crap teacher and for giving up on my dreams.

And then Sullivan called Kerr to complain about this whole Knowles mess – because Kerr is also responsible for Knowles being a crap teacher – and to tell him that the Nameless Headmaster is now having doubts about Knowles’ teaching ability and is going to pay a surprise visit on one of this classes next week to decide if he has a future in the job. Which Kerr of course passes onto Lynda, so she can do ‘something’. She leaves to go do her something and Kerr looks out his window and spots the totally obvious phone cable running between his window and the Junior Gazette office. Well done, Colin’s cousin. Subtle as fuckery.

Anyway, back to Knowles. Or, more accurately, back to Lynda and Sarah running into each other at the newsroom and doing an extremely cheesy simultaneous ‘we’ve got to do something!’ – because for some reason they are now solely responsibility for the success and/or failure of some guys teaching career.

And they call a meeting which involves lots of strategizing. Because between school and homework and actually putting out a newspaper, they now have to same a crap teachers career as well. So Danny has to pretend to take photos of the school admin assistant while surreptitiously taking photos of the master timetable, and then they have to figure out which class the headmaster is visiting and Sarah has to volunteer to help the admin assistant and sneakily photocopy a copy of the class list and then Spike and Fraz have to lean on all the students in that class to make them behave – but not look like they’re behaving because they’ve been leaned on, but because really Knowles is an awesome teacher. It’s all very very tedious.

Except maybe the last part. Because yay! Spike finally gets to do something!

So then we get a shot of Knowles, standing outside the classroom full of noisy kids and looking all apprehensive. He’s been let in on the plan but he’s all ‘is this right?’ – the answer to which is actually ‘no, of course it’s not. If you can’t teach, you’re just wasting everyone’s time’ but Sarah lies and tells him it’s all good.

So he walks in, sits down at his desk and goes to open his mouth with this weird scary wobble. But we don’t see what happens because we have to cut to Sarah and Fraz and -Yay! - Spike sitting in the hallway being all worried the plan hasn’t worked.

And we have to cut away to them at that moment, because otherwise we wouldn’t see two kids run past who are supposed to be in Knowles’ class and we wouldn’t find out that they leant on the wrong class!!!!!

Oh noes!

So they all run to the classroom in a panic and Sarah walks straight in and through some sheer miracle all the kids are being good and the headmaster is all impressed and Sarah is gobsmacked and calls Knowles out of the room to find out what the fuck is going on.

And as it turns out – Knowles believing he could control the class suddenly meant that he could. Because teaching is really like walking on hot coals! It’s all about self-belief! And probably The Secret!

Right.

So Knowles believes the kids will listen to him and suddenly they are little angels and at the end of the lesson the headmaster is happy and Knowles tells the class that he hopes they learnt a valuable lesson and then we get a close-up on his face as he mumbles ‘I know I did’ and smiles.

And … he’s really, really unattractive. Them British teeth and coke-bottle glasses don’t really work in close-up and for the first time in ages I’m glad I don’t have a plasma screen.

Back at the newsroom Sarah does a bit of exposition to sum up the moral of the story and then everyone leaves and Lynda is all alone when – shock! Horror! - the phone rings. She goes looking for it as the camera pulls back to that awesome birds-eye view of the newsroom that I honestly love – because I’m a nerd – before she finds the phone in the toilet. She answers it.

It’s Kerr. Obvs.

Roll credits. This time with stills! Thankfully the cheesy stills don’t last for long and we get the credit talkies and Lynda telling Sullivan his article was flabby. Yeah. Whatevs.

Grade: D. Needed More Spike. And Less Sarah. Even the Cheesy Colin B-plot wasn’t very interesting.

Press Gang: Photo Finish (AKA The One Where All The Adults Are Stupid)

Right-o. For those that want to play along at home JB HiFi are STILL selling whole seasons of this brilliance for $12.95 each. There’s no bonus features to get you all excited but there is plenty of Spike, a good amount of Lynda and yes, even some Colin and Fraz. And the DVD covers are delightfully amateurish.

Stupidly, they’re also selling the complete series box set – for $62.95 – which is a whole eleven bucks more than all the sets together, but, you know, if you like your TV shows all boxed up, you could buy that too. It might have features – who knows?

Anyway – on with the show. Roll credits. I fear my neighbours can hear how often the Press Gang credits play in my house. I’m not embarrassed, but, you know – I might be if they ever played anything other than UB40.

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Once the parade of turn-and-smile is done, we open on the newest member of the Junior Gazette – Lynda’s swear box. Lynda approaches, clipboard in hand, and drops a handful of coins into it – I’m guessing she swore up a storm earlier. Today’s outfit is a big BLUE t-shirt, black skirt and blazer.

I’m ashamed to say I still kinda love the way she dresses, even though it is really not all that cool.

Then there’s all the usual good stuff: Lynda criticizes Kenny. Kenny takes it. Lynda criticizes at arty girl who will henceforth be known as Julie. Julie pulls a bitchface. Spike pays out on Lynda. Lynda pays out on Spike. Sarah whinges. Lynda criticizes someone else in a witty way and yells at some other people, and Spike pays out on her some more. It’s all fairly generic and irrelevant but quite funny. Just get the DVD’s ok and then you can laugh too.

Lynda then tells Spike she needs him to get more info on the Disco story. Remember the disco story everyone? There were three men outside a disco. One was the owner. Danny took some photos and it’s the ‘big story’ for the first edition because there’s a rumour the disco might be sold off for a supermarket.

It may be their big story, but sadly I just don’t care: which sucks for me because it’s the main focus of this episode.

Oh wait, Kenny just offered to do a Hillwalking feature. Suddenly the Disco thing sounds way awesome. Hillwalking? Really? Even for Kenny that’s some unexcitement.

Spike offers Lynda sexual favours in a roundabout way and for some reason I don’t understand she turns him down. In favour of hillwalking. Freak.

Lynda needs Spike to get her some more info on the disco story and all I can think of is Disco night on Idol, which didn’t suck too bad. Sadly, they’re not discussing how Ben is the BB Zach of Idol and making me all squee-ey, because that would be interesting, unlike the three men outside some random disco, who are not.

Spike tries to use the disco thing to blackmail Lynda into going to see a band with him. It doesn’t come off too well – mostly because she’s already going and no, Spike, not with a girlfriend. Or her brother. Or her sister. Or her mother. Or her father. Or her dog, since he asked.

She’s going with James Armstrong. Who Julie – who is for some reason reading Lynda’s clipboard while all this goes on - thinks is mighty fine.

Spike does a sulk which is very cute but really kind of pathetic. Lynda has to do all sorts of ego flattery to get him out of the newsroom and on his way out he admits to Kenny in the most delightfully simpering way that he would drink Lynda’s bathwater.

Yes – her bathwater. Presumably after she had bathed in it. Now, that there is a crush. No wonder we all wanted to be Lynda when we were growing up.

Not that I want anyone drinking my bathwater … ew.

Probably.

Just then, a phone rings. This is exciting because they don’t have a phone, and so everyone goes hunting for it and it continues to ring for a really long time before someone finds it in a drawer and Lynda answers it with a buttload of unnecessary trepadation.

We cut to Spike walking up the High Street and into the local greasy spoon – Czars, which it truly greasy and awesome because it has arcade games and faux-wood paneled walls – like I wanted my room to be when I was seven. Spike and Czar exchange a little bit of banter and I’m thinking that this is truly a greasy greasy spoon. Too greasy for me even, which is a feat.

Back in the newsroom Lynda is putting coin after coin into her swearbox. I am kind of annoyed that we never get to hear her swear, given she seems to do it so often. Not surprisingly for anyone who’s seen more than an episode and a half of this, it’s Colin at the other end of the line and the phone is a dodgy fix that basically involves stealing phone line from Kerr over at the big Gazette -

Allow me some editorial comment here. I love this show but I have to call bullshit here. Kerr has given them a building and a shitload of photographic paper and is paying for the printing of their newspaper and he hasn’t given them a phone?? Were phone lines prohibitively expensive in the UK in the late 80’s? Is this like that TV license thing? Because we’re talking a phone line here – how the fuck would they function without one?

- None of which changes the fact that Lynda is furious and in the process of dragging Colin back to the newsroom so she can kill him.

Back at the Greasy, Spike and Fraz are bantering and it takes them all of four seconds to figure out that they’ve both been assigned to the disco story and that Lynda doesn’t think either of them will get anywhere.

They’ve been played, and Spike is none to impressed. He’s all ‘Are we going to let her get away with this?’ and ‘She thinks we’re stupid! Why does she think we’re stupid?’ – to which Fraz answers ‘yeah’ and ‘maybe somebody told her’ – which is why I love Fraz. He’s so adorably clueless.

I don’t love how high Fraz wears his tight blue jeans so much. I’m glad the 80’s are over. Why are you fashionistas insisting on bringing them back?

Spike makes an executive decision that they’re going to ‘show her’ and get disco info. Fraz rightly points out that that is exactly what Lynda wants them to do, and he’s right. I love Fraz.

As Spike perves on a girl in incredibly high mom-jeans, a couple of what I can only assume are his friends come around the corner. The jibe him for joining the Junior Gazette. He gets all macho and tries to take them on. There’s a very cute ‘who do you think you are? Rambo? Superman? James Armstrong?’ thing and the boys walk off, leaving Spike looking rather annoyed.

He does annoyed very very well.

Back at the newsroom – damn all this cutting between two concurrent scenes, it makes me very tired - there’s a bit of a panic because Chrissie is about to interrupt this whole argument between Lynda and Colin about the phone by bursting in and discovering it. They all play hide-the-phone, which is a much more frantic game than it should be.

Aaaand back in the street Spike and Fraz are interrogating a local shopkeeper about the new supermarket. Unsurprisingly the shopkeeper is none too thrilled as he thought the council had scrapped the whole supermarket plan. Sigh. I’m bored of the supermarket. I’d ignore all the dialogue and pay attention to the music but it is just so cheesy I need crackers.

Back at the newsroom (again) Chrissie’s awesome haircut is talking deadlines and I’m loving it. Lynda asks her to have a look at some stuff and Chrissie’s haircut reminds her that she knows the rule: they’re not looking at the paper until it’s printed. And – for the second time – I have to call bullshit. Surely a newspaperman as experienced as Matt Kerr – who is almost certainly going to be listed as the publisher of this little rag, is not as stupid as to print and release a newspaper written by a bunch of inexperienced teenagers without so much as reading over it to check he’s not likely to get sued? Riiight. I forget sometimes that this show was aimed at kids.

And then the phone rings. Stupidly everyone panics and Kenny unplugs it and so obviously Chrissie straight away picks that something dodgy is going on., and she freaks and reinforces to everyone that Kerr is going to be furious. Which is really kind of lucky because it means Chrissie isn’t going to tell him.

I mean really … it’s a phone!!!

Once Chrissie and her awesome hair and her even more awesome blue pinstriped jacket with rolled up sleeves take their leave, Lynda approaches Colin with something akin to murder in her eyes. Thankfully for him, Sarah pulls her of and the two of them go off to get more disco info.

You see where we’re going here? You see? That’s right. It’s Spike and Fraz versus Lynda and Sarah. The swots versus the rebels. The geeks versus the cools. It’s on.

Fraz and Spike are on their way to the council because Spike ‘knows someone’ whose dad is on the council. There’s a very cute phone call where this ‘friend’ – Debbie – goes on and on about new guy she’s semi-stalking who’s taller and better looking than Spike and whose name is – you guessed it – James Armstrong. Poor Spike.

So, Lynda and Sarah show up at the council and get turned away by their contact and they’re all furious and Lynda has obviously been swearing a lot off-screen because she’s going on and on about her swearbox. And, of course, they run into Spike and Fraz and there’s a whole competitive thing and then Lynda and Sarah leave and Fraz and Spike consider ways to get in to see the council contact and of course there’s a photo on the wall of the area’s ‘Young Person Of The Year’ who is – yep – James Armstrong, and Spike gets all huffy and has a brainwave and the next thing we know he’s in a Viking costume and charming the pants off a middle-aged council lady and getting the interview that Lynda and Spike couldn’t.

Victory. I’m still bored of the disco story but go Team Cools!

Back at the newsroom there’s a whole bunch of exposition about where we’re at with the disco story – which according to the swots is precisely nowhere. Fraz comes over and announces that he’s finally got all twelve star signs and the rest of them – rather predictably – start throwing a whole bunch of fake ones at him. I don’t blame them: there is something utterly alluring about his confused face. And of course it comes out that Spike got the interview that Lynda couldn’t get, and instead of being thrilled that someone’s got her anything that resembles an actual story, she’s furious that he’s not in the newsroom filling her in … about the interview. Obviously.

Minds out of the gutter people. Now.

Lynda and Fraz find Spike at Czars basically posing for a slacker tableaux. Five or six boys in tight high jeans and jackets are stage talking and laughing with ‘Czar’ while generic 80’s rock music plays in the background. Some of them are wearing sunglasses inside.

Lynda waltzes in, takes his arm and proceeds to humiliate him – calling him darling and reminding him about his ballet classes and even going so far as to threaten to read out some of his poetry to the group. Spike looks like his mom just checked his underpants for skid marks in the playground. Lynda looks almost unbearably smug.

He pulls her aside and there’s some hotness as they glare each other off in fury before he hands over the results of his interview: which are not much. An official denial.

All of a sudden, there’s some very exciting music and some even more exciting 80’s special effects and a newspapers spins onto the screen. Omg! They made it! It’s the first edition. And the owner of the disco and his two mates made the cover. Awesome!

We cut to Lynda looking nervous with Kerr reads the paper, and he tells her off for breaking the first rule of journalism and not checking her sources.

Which pisses me off. She asked for one of you adults to look at it before it went to print, and you wouldn’t, and now all this angry about these rules? Did you actually explain the first rule of journalism to her at any point? Or was she meant to figure that out for herself too?

Yes, I know. TV show. Calm blue ocean.

The next scene has Lynda at the town hall while the middle-aged council lady looks all sour and denies there will be a new supermarket and calls the paper a bunch of names and says they were wrong and irresponsible and alarmist and you know what – this is stupid.

If they used her ‘official denial’ – and I have to assume they did, what on earth is the problem? The extent of the story probably runs something like this:

‘A meeting between the owner of the disco and these two mysterious men on Friday is fuelling speculation that the site is being sold off for a supermarket. Such a move would anger local shopkeepers. Councillor Sour-Face has denied that a new supermarket be built on the site.’

… except with more words, from the look of that front cover.

And I just don’t get what on earth the problem with that is, or just how they managed to offend every single shopkeeper in town printing it (unless it makes them all look like wusses in the face of a bit of competition, which it kind of does). Local papers print this kind of crap every week around here and no-one goes nuts.

Lynda’s all nervous and anxious and it’s all looking very bad and she does a rubicks cube in anger because she’s given up swearing.

Is this the end of the Junior Gazette? Already? After just two episodes?

Pah! No.

And guess who comes to the rescue?

OMG! It’s Fraz! And he’s had a thought! A real one! If the supermarket isn’t being sold off for a disco – what were those two men doing outside the disco that day?

Good question, Fraz, and here we might get our answer, as we cut to two men being arrested and put in the back of a police car while an old detective-type dude looks all seriously but smugly at his copy of the Junior Gazette. It’s all serious, with ultra-serious music playing.

Thankfully, Lynda explains everything to Spike and Kenny outside the copshop after her unseen interview with the police. As it turns out, the two guys with the owner were professional arsonists!! And the arson squad recognized them from the picture on the cover of the Junior Gazette and figured out that they were going to torch the place for insurance money and arrested them!! It’s amazing! Not only is the Junior Gazette still in business but they’re superheroes!

I call bullshit, and the credits roll.

Credit talkies is a bit between Spike and Kenny about how Kenny has never been on a date. When did the ultra-cool dude become friends with the guy with no personality? Did I miss this?

Grade: C- and not a lot of Spike/Lynda hotness to make up for it. Sigh. I never said it was going to be all flowers and sunshine, kids.

Press Gang: Page One (AKA: The First One)

I grew up on Press Gang and it is - to this day - the show I hold the fondest memories of and I am most likely to squee over. And rewatching it as an adult proves that it is still totally awesome - if a little silly at times. As such, there's nothing I'd rather recap over the next forty-three weeks (eep) than this fine piece of young adult viewing. So pull up a pew, get out your notepad and your pencil and your swearbox and travel back in time with me ... to 1989. When TV was good.

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We open on the Junior Gazette newsroom - it’s messy and dingy and grungy and full of badly-but-boringly dresses young journos. The walls are half-painted, probably because the set guys ran out of money or time or both. I’m guessing they sold it to the powers that be by using the word ‘atomsphere’ a lot – and, you know, it kind of works.

And setting the tone for the entire series, a girl in a huuuge tomato red t-shirt and teeny little skirt barks orders at a chubby geeky type with a clipboard who takes them with minimal eye-rolling. A stoned-looking guy deadpans something amusing but nonsensical about horoscopes and a funny-looking blonde girl is yelling about … something. An ‘arty looking’ (read: huge hair, rolled up sleeves, accessories) girl presents what I can only describe as a rather average masthead design.

Tomato doesn’t like it. Arty pulls a bitchface and skulks off.

A woman with an awesome helmet-come-afro-come-sculpted-mullet pokes her hair - er, head through the front door and there is some talking about graphics teams and tours of the print room. I don’t catch it because I’m just in awe of the hair. It’s … beyond recapping.

Some guy named Danny is asleep on the chair and gets a rude awakening as Tomato (or as the others call her: Lynda) wakes him with an abrupt and slightly smarmy ‘Five days to the first edition, Danny! Five days!’

And then there’s a kerfuffle as chubby geeky Kenny has been trying to tell Lynda it’s 8.30, and when he succeeds she seems surprised that they’ve been going for three hours, quietens the room and shoos them all off with ‘time for school’.

We’re meant to be surprised that these are school kids, but I’ve seen this show a hundred times and the only surprising thing about that whole thing is that it’s 8.30 and they’ve been there for three hours – so, from 5.30. In the AM. Because, like, um, so many teenagers – even super keen, swatty type teenagers – are doing anything at 5.30 in the am other than sleeping? I think not.

Cue the credits. They deserve a recap all of their own but this one is looking rather long already so that may have to come in with the second edition. Suffice to say: lots of turning to camera, and smiling/smirking to some delightfully cheesy music. There’s a few faces we’re yet to see … And no Danny. Dum. Dum. Dum.

The show proper (because all that was just ‘setting the scene’) opens with a set of oft used ‘newspaper clippings of exposition’. As the camera pans across the wall of clippings, we learn that some mullet named Matt Kerr quit a whole bunch of high-powered papers to edit a local paper, and started a junior version of it. Ah. Is it all falling into place for you too?

The exposition done, the camera pans to the Mullet himself … and it’s a ginger one. Ginger mullet is having an adult-type chat with a tubby, bald man with a ’stashe right out of the 70’s porn industry. Apparently the the ’stashe is using the mullet’s kiddy paper as a dumping ground for his more ‘energetic’ students – a charge which the ’stashe denies – pointing out that in actual fact he’s sent equal numbers or swats and ruffians. And with that, the ’stashe pulls out a Bart-Simpson-thick school file and dares the mullet to take this one on.

James Thompson.

Spike.

Spike’s mug fills the screen. He looks delightfully pouty – it’s an expression those lips are made for, and we are flashing back to a school board meeting. Spike is being reminded of his various misdemeanours and suspensions and his latest indiscretion at the school dance. He continues to pout as he is given his last chance: the Junior Gazette.

And then through some clever editing, Spike is suddenly outside the newspaper building with the same pout, watching as the Arty blonde bitches about geing told off for leaving the ‘i’ out of junior on the front page. She’s all awhinge but really – dude, that’s totally reasonable. Where I come from a typo in the front page gets you paid out for months. Months!

From Spike’s facial expression we can only assume that Arty blonde farts as she walks off. And that Spike is the kind of guy that finds farts both smelly and funny. I love him already.

He puts on a pair of huge sunnies and now he’s all black plastic, brown leather and pink rubber lips. He does a bit of ‘where’s the escape hatch’ acting and goes in, running straight into the yelly blonde – who Lynda once referred to as Sarah. She’s practically drooling over his wisecracking bad-guy persona, and straight up suggesting an interview (oo-er!). Kenny interrupts her fun and tells her that Spike’s joining the team. Sarah looks him up and down in a very very dirty kinda way, and promptly runs off to sit in a puddle of her own Spike-drool.

Spike continues with the wisecracking and I start to want to marry him. And Fraz (the stoned-looking one on horoscopes). They’re so punny it hurts.

Spike is all about putting his feet up and getting through his required hours with his hear in dreamland, which is making Kenny all scowly. Even scowlier than usual. For a supposed ‘nice guy’ he’s certainly scowly.

Enter Lynda: screen left.

Music starts. Birds and flowers start appearing. The sun shines through the windows in the manner of a million religious experiences. Somewhere, a choir launches into song.

Oh, wait. No. That’s another show.

But Spike does drop his glasses, rise from his chair and saunter toward her, tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. It’s – erm – hot.

There’s some witty to-and-fro. Spike does dumb. Lynda does bitchy. Sarah interrupts (she’s going to do a LOT of that over the next four years ….). Kenny looks amused (but still scowly) and contributes little, which is fine really, given they’re yet to write him a personality.

Kenny wonders if Spike is a KD. Lynda says he’s a KD plus. Spike wonders what a KD is. Lynda just wants her precious form filled out. And it’s on.

Lynda: We need to know a bit about you
Spike: Yeah well you could try asking.
Lynda: We ask on the form.
Spike: Do you always make friends by questionnaire?
Lynda: I’m not making friends.
Spike: Yeah I can believe that.

There’s a lot of eyebrow raising and attitude and lovely lovely lovely snark. It’s getting kind of hot in here.

Lynda: Spike Thomson. Of course. The American.
Spike: Well, an American. There is more than one of us you know.
Lynda: Staying long or is this a flying visit?
Spike: I’ve been here four years.
Lynda: Really, you’ll have learnt the language soon.
Spike: Well this may come as surprise to you but some Americans, they do speak English too.
Lynda: Then why don’t you?

I can’t recap the magic happening on my tv screen right now but suffice to say that TV producers should take note: that ‘chemistry’ thing you keep going on about – this is it. Forget Ross and Rachel. Forget Brenda and Dylan. Forget Xander and Cordelia. Spike and Lynda are putting them all to shame. I’m simultaneously giggling like a mad woman and melting into a gooey mess of squee.

Spike goes on to comment that he has to watch a lot of American cop shows to keep up with his accent – which is cute given that Dexter Fletcher is a brit and Spike’s accent is waaaay dodgy (and yet – fooled me as a kid). Lynda’s had enough and walks away. Spike follows her and announced that if this were the olden days, he’d slay a dragon for her.

Lynda just looks stunned. And … really really young. It’s almost ooky, but never fear, both actors were well into pervable age-brackets when this was filmed. I checked.

In fact, he goes on, if she agrees to go out with him, he’ll make a commitment to slay the first dragon they meet.

It’s freaking adorable and I kind of hate the fact that she’s staring at him like he’s mad. I don’t care if they just met. I don’t care if they’re meant to be 16. I’m wanting the jumping of bones right there on the desk, and she’s just not complying.

Arty interrupts this time – sparing Sarah the trouble - and the magic is broken. Lynda has to go see the Mullet, and she’s none to happy about it. As she gets up to go, she tells spike that was the worst pick-up like she’s ever heard.

‘What, out of both of them?’ Smartarse. Spike gets the attention of ‘you with no personality’ – patience, Spike, they’ll write Kenny some personality over the next few weeks; he even gets mildly adorable – and tells him he’s going to find the Gazette a story. Kenny just looks amused and annoyed (and scowly), but gets Danny to follow him – in case it’s not all talk.

Meanwhile at the big paper office, Lynda has just been bollocked for expecting someone else to find her stories for her. She sees the afro-come-mullet-come-helmet, Chrissie – who I’m guessing is a ‘real journalist’ – shunning a man that is claiming to have a major news story of grave importance to kids everywhere. Me and you and everyone with a brain assume he’s a nutcase. Lynda assumes he’s her lead story. She’s really not as smart as she thinks she is.

We cut to Spike and Danny standing against a wall speculating about three guys across the road looking at a very 80’s disco. One of them is the owner and there’s speculation he’s selling. It’s all kind of dull but I know they have to put something ‘newspapery’ into this episode or else it would all seem a little soapy.

Doesn’t mean I have to care though.

A car pulls up and a mop-haired kid jumps out. Spike identifies him as Colin and tries to buy himself some math homework. I recognize Colin from the credits, so figure he’s going to have more lines in the future – unlike poor Danny, who must have pissed someone off somewhere, gven he’s in this episode more than anyone but NOT in the credits – and sure enough he’s selling advertising on the Junior Gazette as punishment for trying to sell blank report cards.

While Spike and Colin are talking, Danny is at the edge of the frame playing with his nose. Methinks that’s why he didn’t make the credits.

Spike suggests the best way to get to the bottom of the whole disco story is to ask the owner so off they go. The owner is a balding, scowly looking man, and you just know he’s evil by the way he denies the accusation that he’s selling off the disco. He’s like a non-cartoon version of every Scoopy Doo villain, and you can just imagine him lamenting that ‘he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for those meddling kids …’.

Spike’s onto him too. Because Spike does have a brain … unlike Lynda, who just gloated to Chrissie that she’s poached her very important story. If nothing else, shouldn’t the fact that Chrissie doesn’t even care be ringing alarm bells?

So the nutcase is going on about lethal toys. Lynda can barely contain her glee which is – on the one hand, really cold, and on the other, to be expected. She gets Fraz to take the man out to his car to get the evil evil toys, which results in some cute banter about astrology and horoscopes. Fraz doesn’t do much this episode, but he does this shtick with aplomb.

Conveniently, Spike chooses now to walk in and announce he’s got a story. Lynda is well unimpressed. In fact, she’s kind of a bitch in this scene – and I say that as someone who loves Lynda dearly. She declared that she doesn’t need a KD finding her stories and this time when Spike asks what a KD is she tells him - a knuckle dragger. It’s not the most impressive expression ever, but you know … nerds in the 80’s.

Spike looks actually hurt, and I’m totally on his side. He tells Lynda he is no longer willing to go out with her. She retorts that that’s going to make a dragon very happy, and he – of course – implies that she is the dragon in the equation. Which she kind of is.

And besides Lynda – shut up. Your efforts to find a story on your own are woeful and you’re the only one who doesn’t know it yet. The guy is saving your skin.

And leaving – which I also totally support.

There’s this whole cut-scene thing going on here between Spike outside and Lynda inside. It was giving me a recapping headache so I’m writing it straight. Shoot me.

Outside, Spike is standing around and fuming and bumps straight into the mullet, who drives a vintage car and wears cowboy boots. There’s some chatter about why Spike is out there what a so-and-so Lynda is and how the paper is his last chance and the mullet gives him two choices: get back inside and get to work, or … ‘else’.

It made me giggle, ok.

Inside, the nutcase is going on and on about the dangerous toys and how they breach trade regulations and threaten national security and how America’s latest defence technology is on sale in shops all over England and maybe even the world. And Lynda and Kenny are just standing there getting all excited – until he pulls out a model of that big ship from Star Wars.

America’s latest defence technology, as it turns out, is the Star Wars program.

And now she gets it.

Now.

Yeah, I know. I’m starting to think she’s a little slow as well.

But not as slow as Kenny. Who’s still looking confused.

Lynda has Kenny show the man (Mr … ‘Vader’ *guffaw*) out and slowly comes to the realization that she no longer has a story. She grabs her jacket – blazer, really – and goes out to find Spike.

She finds him on his way back in and pretends to be all ‘you need the paper so come back’, which is bullshit because she just want his story and – again with the Spike being smart – he totally calls her on it. And she fesses up and admits that she needs his story, but he does need the paper, and an uneasy truce is reached in which she’s not a dragon and he’s not a KD. It’s kind of sweet.

And roll credits.

Oh, wait. Credit talkies. Todays credit talkies are Spike and Lynda and more witty banter. Spike asks Lynda how long till they’re an item and I’m jumping out of my seat with the answer to that question: eighteen weeks!!! Thankfully, it gets a lot better sooner than that …

Grade: C for the whole thing. A+++++ for the Spike/Lynda exchanges in the middle. Squeeeee!