Press Gang: A Night In (AKA The One With The Eat-Off)

Ok. Press Gang. Rocks. Etc. You know the drill, so let’s get into it, shall we? And what better way to start off than with Julie and Danny and Fraz and Colin and Sarah and Kenny take turns talking to camera about why they can’t be somewhere. I’m guessing the camera is Lynda. It’s all kind of dull and only Kenny actually makes me laugh: ‘Could you tell me what excuses haven’t been given?’

Yeah, it’s cheesy, but hey – it’s a sign that the writers are finally blessing him with one of those pesky personality things.

Spike enters – and we hear him before we see him. And then we only see his feet, on which are american flag sneakers that look remarkably similar to those canvas things the kids are getting about in these days – Press Gang = Style Beacon, obvs. He’s racecalling his feet and at one point he says that they’re ‘neck and neck, which is a pretty good trick for feet’ and I laugh because it’s punny.

read the rest

His feet bump into Lynda’s feet and she tells him it’s sweet that he’s found a couple of friends. He tells her he’d love to stay and chat but her blouse doesn’t match her skirt and it’s annoying him, and walks off.

Just so you know, she’s wearing a blue t-shirt under plaid shirt in various shades of beige, with rolled-up sleeves, and a black and white polka dot skirt – bigger dots that usual. Obviously Spike’s feet have taste. She catches up with him and asks what he’s doing tonight. Apparently it’s just a kidney transplant, and they can mail it to him. So she hands him a random slip of yellow paper. Methinks this is what everyone else was trying to avoid earlier. Me also thinks that this show should just be that banter between Spike and Lynda.

Spike protests. ‘Not a Yellow! It’s Saturday!’

Oh! A Yellow! I … don’t know what that is.

Sarah who is whinging about homework and how she’s got a Yellow and blah blah blah – shut up Sarah! – and Tiddler steps in and offers to take her Yellow. Strangely (or perhaps not – given this is Sarah we’re talking about) this doesn’t cheer Sarah up.

Kenny tries on a seriously ill aunt for size, only to be reminded that he went to her funeral not two weeks ago. He concedes the point, but notes that ‘that’s serious’. Heh.

Ok. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Lynda cuts Spike off at the door - she’s found his crumpled Yellow and is not happy. So not happy that she’s threatening to call Sullivan and have him booted off the paper and thus out of school if he doesn’t show up for late duty – which is what a Yellow means, apparently - tonight. Oooooh …

There’s this whole face-off bit and Spike is all ‘I won’t be here, make your call!’ and she’s all like ‘kenny, give me Sullivans phone number!’ and they’re staring each other down and I’m all ‘Pash! Pash! Pash! Pash!’ but I know I’m not going to get my way tonight. And then she’s all ‘Will you be here?’ and he’s all ‘I wouldn’t want to spoil your fun! You’re really enjoying yourself for the first time ever!’ and everyone else is standing around and then someone asks Lynda if this is about yesterday.

Which apparently is not the right answer – er, question, and she gets even nastier and Spike makes a move toward her which makes everyone scream but all he does is picks up a big pile of paper and throws it into the air and then goes to leave.

Toughguy.

Sarah catches him at the door and tries to nicely talk him into coming.

Lynda is dialing – and announcing it in her most bossiest voice. Sarah is telling Spike that she’s just in a funny mood … because of yesterday.

And I’m guessing this ‘yesterday’ thing will go on for a while, so I should stop expecting them to tell me what happened ‘yesterday’ any time soon. Sigh.

I love this show. Really.

Lynda gets Sullivan on the phone but asks him to hold as she says goodbye to spike and asks him to send a postcard. He storms out. Sarah goes after him, and Lynda turns to Kenny and asks why she just called the weather forecast.

Time passes. In an instant, in fact. And it’s 5.30.

Now Lynda is sitting at her desk looking cranky. Tiddler is sitting at another desk and saying ‘fridge’ a lot – which, obviously, is her non-swear swearword. But Kenny still has to ask. Ok – so they’re making him witty, not smart. Fine. It’s better than ‘wet blanket’.

Lynda tries to phone Sullivan but Kenny has disconnected the phone and is giving her a lecture on how she should give Spike a chance and all the rest, which sends her into defensive mode pointing out that it’s not personal and she’s not out to get Spike (except into her pants … which she doesn’t say, but I think …) and nothing would make her happier than if Spike walked in the door right now -

And so he does! He’s got groceries! And a plaid shirt to match Lynda’s! But pinker! And he’s brought along his stock of punny jokes! Hurrah!

Surprisingly, Lynda doesn’t look happy. And yells at him for being late. He ignores her and goes and flirts with tiddler … or, I assume it’s flirting because he’s complimenting the day-glow mess that she’s calling an outfit, which either means he’s flirting or he wants to borrow money, and Tiddler is wearing half ping-pong balls for earrings, so I doubt she’s got any money.

Lynda interrupts their little chatathon and gets all up in Spike’s face, which is kinda cool because Spike + Tiddler = Boring while Spike + Lynda = Awesome (although Spike + Me = Even More Awesome, but in the meantime …). And she’s all ‘did you get frightened of little old me?’ and he’s all ‘you’re so uptight your feet don’t reach the ground’ and so she looks down and he’s all ‘made you look’ and I am totally loving this.

Kenny is trying to break them up, and I ask why? A few more minutes and you know there will be slapping … and then hairpulling. And then at some point there’s got to be pashing. So leave them to it, I say!

Except he doesn’t. He points out that Lynda doesn’t usually let Spike get to her like this, and asks what’s wrong. Only she doesn’t answer. Spike answers. He says he knows, and that Sarah told him, which makes Lynda storm off in a huff and Kenny ask again if this is about yesterday.

Oh – yesterday again. Won’t someone just tell Kenny (and me) what happened yesterday!?

Spike is all cryptic and tells him that ‘Lynda’s boyfriend made history’ – which is not how I remember the line, but maybe we’re not at the payoff yet. He finds Lynda in the graphics room and starts talking to her in his nice voice, which would melt even the most frozen heart, but instead makes Lynda more yelly, which in turn makes Spike yelly and he goes to storm out of the door ‘before this gets any more stupid’.

And so, of course, he swings the door open to go and bumps right into Colin. In a bunny suit. Did someone say ‘more stupid?’ I think they did! The comic timing in this episode warms my geeky little heart.

Colin is gong on about some rich guys house he’s going to and he’s all nervous and excited because he’s all formal and uptight. Everyone is trying to ask why he’s in a bunny costume, but doesn’t get it out. And then it comes out that his mother has made him dress up as a rabbit for his little sister’s birthday party, and in all the excitement bout going to the formal, uptight rich guys house, he forgot to get changed!

He declares his life over and starts pounding his head against the wall and getting all distraught, which is just so cute.

Incidentally, his nose is a half-ping-pong ball. Oh for the days where TV continuity was not a dirty word …


Spike suggests he go home and change, which … once he thinks it over … he realizes is a great idea, and goes to leave. He comments that his family was on their way out for the evening but it’s ok because his housekeys are in his jacket pocket, and then goes.

Spike asks how long before he realizes he’s not wearing his jacket, as the cry from a tortured rabbit breaks out across the newsroom, and Lynda runs out to see to him and convinces him to run home and try to catch his family before they go out.

She comes back in and they all do this ‘poor guy’ thing and then crack up and the press gang piano is playing and it’s all lighthearted and nice. Aw.

Time passes in an instant again – TV is so good at that – and now Spike is sitting on a desk chatting to Kenny, who is curious as to the nature of the history that Lynda’s boyfriend made yesterday. Spike says the ‘Lynda’s boyfriend made history of Lynda’ joke, and Kenny finally gets it. As do I. Or, more accurately, this would be when I got it if I a)hadn’t seen this show a hundred times and b) didn’t have a brain.

Lynda interrups to ask them to get their facts straight. She hasn’t been dumped. James Armstrong just needs more time to study.

Spike comments he’s hungry and says it’s time for dinner. He asks if they like Chinese. Kenny comments that they usually just go to the fish & chip shop, but Spike starts pulling things out of his grocery bags (including his own wok) and announces that they’re having Peking-style chicken and garlic. Lynda looks amazed and … appalled that he can cook.

This of course leads to one of those awkward conversations between the divorce kid and the happy family kid where the divorce kid tells jokes about how his mom left so often when he was growing up that he though that he name was ‘leaving’ and that Santa Clause was a marriage counselor and the happy family kid asks how they can joke about it and given this is TV show … it’s kind of touching and realistic and - except for the puniness, because I’m not punny - not dissimilar to the conversations I had with the happy family kids when I was growing up.

Of course, they have to ruin it with Spike making a comment about Lynda and her saying – again, that she was not dumped. And storming off, again, to go sit at her desk and fume and break pencils.

Spike comes over and gives her a pillow to kick the hell out of, which she doesn’t want, even though it does look surprisingly like him – no backbone. And she says she has no hositily or aggression to work off. As she breaks another pencil.

Spike asks how many pencils she’s on. And she yells that she wasn’t dumped.

Ok. I love Lynda. Love her. And all her foibles. But if she exclaims – in reply to nothing – ‘I wasn’t dumped!’ in her bossy voice once more in this episode I will bang my head against the keyboard.

Plus, James Armstrong wasn’t even hot. Not like Spike is hot.

Colin bursts in in a tizz and advises everyone to never to try to thumb a lift in a bunny costume. He’s all torn up and dirty, because he missed his family as they were leaving and tried to break in as two policemen were walking past and they thought he was a robber and went after him but he made a run for it and got away. And here he is. And not at the rich guys house.

Colin asks Spike for his clothes. And they both go to start undressing

*cue canned Wooooooo borrowed from the kissing scenes in Saved By The Bell*

But not for long – as Colin finds his zipper is stuck. Which causes more distress and rapid breathing.

Kenny asks why this is such a disaster – because in this episode, Kenny has a personality: he’s become moderately amusing and ….. the dumbest person in the world.

Colin says that there are certain things you can’t do in a rabbit costume … like meet rich people. And … pee. Not that he says that, but he does say his legs are crossed in four places, so I can only guess.

Kenny suggests he go as he is and Colin gets rather sarcastic and whiny and is all hunched over in obvious bladder pain – which seems to have been brought on rather suddenly by this particular verbal exchange, because I swear he was fine a minute ago.

Kenny tries reverse psychology and – hurrah! – it works and Colin runs off to try to use the bunny suit to his advantage with the uptight formal rich man … it’s going to end badly, I can feel it in my waters.

And everyone does a bit of fake laughery after except Lynda who just yells – again – that she was not dumped.

7y5tz rsgrftczhg kgfcx;ikf;yrtskgtz ubfcxez ntrf

Sorry. I said it would happen.

Some cheesy oriental music starts up as they all sit down to eat. Everyone has chopsticks and as it turns out … Lynda isn’t so good with them. She kinda shovels food into her mouth. And off the plate. And drops a lot. And throws some at Kenny.

Spike goes to show her how to do it, which makes her get all supercompetitive and there’s this whole wild-west showdown with Spike and Lynda eating and staring each other down with close ups of their eyes and Lynda’s food-stained mouth and then they reach a point where Spike has one piece of food left and Lynda has three and they stare each other off and Spike looks all relaxed, until Lynda stabs all three remaining morsels of food with her chopsticks and jams them into her mouth. And then wipes her face in a show of victory. Hot.

Spike says that Lynda is the only person he’s met who eats dinner to win. She stares at him for a while and goes from stony faced to slightly less as she admits that she was dumped and walks out of the room and into the bathroom.

The three remaining kids wonder if Lynda is crying. Kenny wonders if she does cry.

Colin walks back in to break up the awkward, only he looks completely shut down. He plonks himself into a chair and tells them his story.

The rich guy died last week. It was his funeral this afternoon and they were having the wake at his house. Colin admits heavily that he regrets pushing past the guy who opened the door, rushing into the house and shouting ‘Hi walter, I’m a bunnygram!’ to a room full of mourners.

Ouch.

Colin looks devastated and on the verge of tears. He excuses himself to go into the toilet and whimper for a bit, but Kenny points out that it’s taken and suggests under one of the desks.

And you know … I always wondered where I got my urge to hide under the desk at work whenever things got a bit difficult. Now I know. Thanks you, wonderful show.

Spike goes and knocks on the toilet door and gives her a lovely speech about how he knows she’s upset and he mentions that his dad thinks apologizing is what your wife does when you hit her enough – and I am wondering when this cute kids show became such heavy going with the dead people and the awkward and the domestic violence references.

Spike is telling Lynda that the reason he came in was to show her that he’s not the jerk she thinks he is, and he’s also found out that she’s not a total bich – but they don’t say bitch because this is kids TV and while throwaway comments about domestic violence are ok, the b-word is not – but that she’s human and he tells her she doesn’t have to hide it and they won’t think she’s lousy because she cries and stuff.

At which point she opens the door and barges straight past him without saying a word and back into the newsroom. She turns the lights on and becomes all editor-lady and starts giving everyone orders. In another nice callback, Kenny is still working on a hillwalking story.

For the first time all episode, I wonder why they need late duty at all … given that they just spent the entire night tooling around? It doesn’t matter, I suppose, but I am curious.

Spike tries to talk to her, and she denies that she was crying and he tells her she can’t keep up the ice-princess thing. Which she takes as a challenge to do just that, and yells out some more orders as we freeze frame and go to credits, with just the sound of Colin sobbing in the background.

Grade: A- The minus is for the difficulty level of recapping such awesome dialogue. More Spike and Lynda, please.