More of Ten's schemes designed to get rich, and quick!

Has anyone else noticed certain.... irregularities about Ten's coverage of the Simpsons? I'm talking about the six o'clock episodes, not the shitty new episodes which air at seven thirty on Tuesday nights (or whatever).

Well, I've noticed that sometimes brief snippets of dialogue are cut out. It's virtually imperceptible to anyone with a nerd rating inferior to my own (I am the nerd equivalent of a black belt, btw), but I'm pretty sure that the episode I watched earlier was abridged in at least ONE place. It was the episode where Homer and Grampa go on the road to sell sex tonic, and there's a bit where the dialogue goes like this:

Abe: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N -- yes! But please, don't YOU say that word!
Abe: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex.
Homer: Shudder.

Well, colour me unnecessarily cheesed off, because the bit that I watched was cut at the part where Homer says "don't YOU say that word!"

!!!

I know, that's what I said too.

While it's probably likely that Ten are treating their audience with contempt, mistakenly thinking that they can get away with DESECRATING television gold in order to jam more commercials in, I can't help but think that reverse vampires are involved in some way...

Up Next: Forty Sports in Forty Minutes!

So, given the Olymics are pretty much over, here are some things that whoever is broadcasting them next time might want to consider ...

- Yes, we do have short attention spans, but please try for coherence: three javelin throws, followed by half a race, followed by a single rythmic gymnastics routine, followed by another half of a race, followed by another two javelin throws, followed by two dives, followed by 90 seconds of a soccer game, a three-minute intro to a race - most of which involves a still shot of the Australian competitor standing on the spot staring into space, a 40 second race, one more javelin throw and two more dives do NOT a fun half-hour of viewing make.

- If you do have to cross between events, it would help if you made the comentators aware of your intentions, so they could welcome us back and tell us about what we missed, to give what we're about to see some, you know, context.

- Speaking of commentators, please ask them to provide actual commentary. You're paying experts to share their expertise with us, to help us understand what we are seeing and make sense of how well or not well competitors are doing - and we would really appreciate it if they would do that, instead of just rabbiting on about what it was like when they were young and/or mindlessly exclaiming when something interesting happens without offering us viewers any actual insight into what that interesting thing is and why it is so.

- We don't just care about the swimming. No, really. 

- That said, see above: One sport at a time. PLEASE. 

- No, the whole country is not on the edge of it's seat. No, this moment will not go down in history. No, we will not be telling our grandchildren about this moment (unless, you know, we're already grandparents and they've just nipped out for some bread and when they get back they ask what they missed ... then we might mention it). No, this is not the greatest achievement in history. It's just fucking sport, and it might be a bit of fun to watch, but should we - god forbid - come second, nothing will really change.  

- Yes, Cliches are bad. 

- Replays are ok, but interrupting a live event to once more show us a courageous and amazing swim from three days ago that we've already seen forty times is not. 

- Joanna Griggs has no personality and sounds like she's taken one too many elocution lessons. Hire someone less robotic. 

That is all. Let's hope it's a looong four years.

The Children’s Television Edition

Oh how the children’s television worm has turned. When I was a little ‘un, we were prevented from watching more than one hour of television a day. On school nights, this meant wrestling with my sister over whether or not we watched ‘Secret Valley’ or whatever the hell it was she wanted to watch (something odious no doubt). Now, ABC2 seem to be marketing their non-stop children's programming as a means to improved home cleanliness.

On weekends, we were allowed to watch precisely as much cartoons as would prevent us from waking my parents early in the morning. However, in my excitement not to miss a minute of this opportunity, I often found myself watching an aged geezer read the racing preview (which finished at 7:00am). Why I didn’t just go back to bed or find something else to do, I’m not sure.

Anyhow, having my own child has led me to rediscovering kids TV in a way that I’d perhaps hoped I would never have to. But blow me down if, even by my standards, children’s television isn’t terribly obscure these days.

Grizzlewick’s current free-to-air favourites include:

Yo Gabba Gabba!

According to Nick Jr it’s “Life lessons with beat”. Mr Fix is convinced that the tall orange thing is some kind of phallus featuring a studded condom. Let’s all say this together “Mr Fix, that says more about you than it does about Yo Gabba Gabba”.

It’s essentially a skinny guy in a leotard and enormous hat mucking around with puppets. And dammit to hell if I haven’t just described most kids TV right there.

Pros:

1.In music and tone, decidedly geared to Gen X slacker rock parents such as ourselves.

Cons:

1. Too intense for early morning viewing.

You can read the yo gabba gabba production blog here , at the delightfully titled 'Yo Blogga Blogga!'. One of the contributors to the blog is the Mystical Permissions Wizard, who for reasons unknown reminds me of Chesty LaRue.

Lazy Town

Where Yo Gabba Gabba! is perplexing in its constant referencing of early 90s slacker style, Lazy Town is just plain weird. The story runs that Stephanie (a pink wigged enthusiatron with energy levels I can only envy) has moved to Lazy Town and is helping her uncle (the mayor of Lazytown) and Sportacus to get kids more active.

I’m intrigued by the notion of TV shows which seem to be promoting not watching TV (the ABC had its own version of Aerobics Oz-Style for kids a few years back, so it seems to be an international phenomenon). Unlike many other kids shows these days, this one still has a baddy, Robbie Rotten, who lives in a basement. The one interesting thing about the show is that the live-action people (because there are, of course, puppets a-plenty in this one too) have all significantly altered appearances, so that if you met them on the street, you probably wouldn’t realise (unlike meeting say, Justine from Playschool on the street*).

Pros:

1. Grizzlewick can’t stop watching it
2. Reasonably good stunts
3. No merchandise

Cons:

1. It’s just so NICE, even with a baddy in play.

Ben 10

Grizzlewick describes Ben 10 as “he’s got a watch and he can turn into heroes”. Ben 10 tells the story of Ben Tennyson who has an omnitrix (the watch Grizzlewick referred to) which can turn him into ten different “alien heroes”. With his grandfather and his cousin, he fights evil and the format’s kinda Scooby Doo in terms of its “villain of the week” approach. I’m horrified to learn that they’ve made two Ben 10 movies already and I may well have to sit through them at some time in the future. I can’t explain what it is that appeals to Grizzlewick about this one, because it’s a bit above his age level and frankly a little darker than he usually likes.

Pros:

1. Not as bad as current, postmodern airing of Scooby Doo
2. Or the Banana Splits

Cons:

1.Doesn’t start until just before 9am, leaving 2 hours of lego-based fun before you can crawl back into bed on Saturday morning
2. You know you’re a terrible, terrible snob when you can’t just watch a kids cartoon without silently screeching “THIS IS SO F-CKING DERIVATIVE!!!!!” in your head
3. TOO MUCH MERCH.


Consider yourselves warned: I will do a more detailed posting on Spongebob Squarepants soon.


* Or Alex Papps!!!! AL:EX PAPPS!!!!

SESA Mailbag: Monday Edition

Dear Channel Ten,

Wow! Thanks for finally screening the fourth season of US So You Think You Can Dance - just late enough so that any of your viewers who also frequent Television Without Pity are spoiled rotten about the winner. Much appreciated. 

But, really, three nights a week? 

Did you do a survey and find that fans of this show had no life? Because while we may be a little socially introverted and awkward, sometimes even the most loserish of folk manage to find non-tv things to do on Friday nights. 

Must you keep driving me into the arms of the torrents? 

Hugs,

Chesty LaRue