square eyes, square arse

Advertising Standards Bored.

2008-12-26T10:10:00.001+11:00

I wrote this today when I was shackled to the switchboard at work, not for any real purpose and not knowing what to do with it. Then I remembered that ads kind of come under the category of television, so I published it here, even though the list is a bit South Australia-centric (it appeared in The Advertiser - make the most of every day!) and nobody apart from me and three other guys live in Adelaide.

So the ten most offensive ads according to the Advertising Standards Board (how do you get on this board, I ask you) of 2008 were:

1. The one with the dad vomiting into the toilet and the little girl asking if he’s okay. While I generally find these “shock” ads to be a bit flaccid, especially if they’re government funded (yeah, thanks Government for telling me what’s cool and what isn’t), this particular series of ads I think are really effective. All the losers who get ill at the sight of dramatised violence and, in this case, vomiting into a porcelain bowl: like, grow a pair, maybe? And perhaps realise that your response was precisely the point of the ads in the first place.

2. A billboard for erectile dysfunction advertising ‘longer lasting sex’, which was altered after complaints about the word ‘sex’ flooded in. Right. I have to drive past this billboard when I go down Goodwood Road and I think, if anything, the ad is even more stupid and lame after the heinously shocking word was redacted, just because it’s such a stupid thing to censor when the whole ad is vile. I hate being reminded that some men, much older and grosser than me, either blow their load too soon or can’t get it up in the first place in the boudoir. Keep your unnatural and manhood-impugning afflictions to yourselves, okay?

3. That ad for tampons or pads (or whatever), featuring the woman taking her beaver around and treating it to manicures, etc. Not that offensive. Certainly not as offensive as those rubbishy feminine hygiene ads featuring the guy who naively asks his girlfriend what the mysterious pad in the bathroom is used for, and then reacts with disgust when enlightened by his exasperated girlfriend. Sexist cocks in the media, I hate you all.

4. Some ad that I’ve never seen before and therefore cannot comment on.

5. The Ingham’s chicken ad which says ‘if you don’t like chicken, there’s something very wrong with you’. Ummm…. All I can say to this is: If you don’t like chicken, there really IS something wrong with you. Even vegetarians sometimes cheat and eat chicken, and I don’t begrudge them for a second because chicken is the best meat ever.

6. Oh, THIS one I hate. The ad for Adam internet with that fat naked guy. EWWW. I had to turn my head in revulsion whenever this ad came on. Seriously, it’s tacky when ads feature gratuitous nudity to sell something that isn’t related at all to nudity (water bottles, for instance), let alone when the naked people are FAT, HAIRY MEN. Ick.

7. The ad on Foxtel with the parents trading their belligerent child for a better one. Are people kidding? This ad is gold! The first time I watched it, right before the punchline I was thinking ‘ho hum, this ad sucks, they’re going to trade the kid’s toy for something better’ but in a comic twist worthy of Shakespeare the parents trade the kid instead. Cue ROFLs.

8. Those boring ‘creeper’ commercials targeting speeding drivers. At first I found them a bit creepy, and wondered whether they were a teaser trailer for some horror movie, but then when the reality of the ads’ intention became obvious, it was a bit like… oh. Meh.

9. Another ad I’ve never seen.

10. Those absolutely insipid KFC ads with the one joke in the whole series: essentially, one guy is munching on a spicy KFC wrap, and the other guy asks how it is, and the first guy turns and slaps the dude in the face, ostensibly to demonstrate the taste explosion occurring in his mouth as a result of the KFC twist. I detest these ads. Not because I hate violence; just because they’re stupid and tacky and boring boring boring. If I had an aneurysm one day and decided to ask a random person about the KFC they were eating, and they responded by slapping me, I’d surgically remove their testicles/ovaries.

I guess you could treat this post as a trailer for The Gruen Transfer, which I love, the second season of which is due to premiere... some time this year! Wow, informative.

SESA Mailbox

2008-12-10T18:55:00.002+11:00

Dear Channel Nine,

So, let me get this straight ......

NOW you start screening Gossip Girl?

NOW?

From the beginning of the first season?

At 10.30 at night on a Wednesday?

NOW?

And it hasn't occured to you that anyone with half a brain and an internet connection who wants to see this show has, at some point over the 15 months since the first episode aired in the US, done so, somehow?

How exactly is it that you are still in business?

Sincerely,

MissE

Packed to the Rafters

2008-12-07T21:29:00.004+11:00

Yeah... more like Fudge-Packed to the Rafters. Amirite?

2008-10-03T00:23:00.004+10:00

I've got one word to say to you: Australian Idol ABBA special.

Gosh, you know, after the likes of Tom Williams, that shearer guy, and the Asian John Farnham guy, on top of my favourite being booted off (Brooke Addamo) I sort of said to myself that Australian Idol could do no worse this year. How wrong I was.

This:

Plus this:

Equals this:

(NB: this is not me.)

I think, just personally, it's time to release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you.

90210 or bust?

2008-09-07T20:14:00.003+10:00

So, you've been keeping an eye on the development of new 90210. You know that Rob Thomas (of Veronica Mars fame, not the Matchbox 20 guy) worked on the pilot and then ran far, far away. You know that a character called Daphne was retooled as Erin, Kelly's little sister from the original. You know that Jennie Garth is back as Kelly and that OMG! Shannen Doherty is back as Brenda, but only briefly, and amazingly, that their first shoot together went surprisingly smoothly (ie. nobody hit anybody). You know that Luke Perry has basically trashed the concept of coming back but the spoilers aren't seeing him sticking to his word. You know that Aunt Becky is in it. You know that Lucille Bluth is in it. You know that the network didn't send out preview screeners of the pilot - which is generally seen in the industry as a clear statement of crappiness. And you know that, just like in the original, the cast all look waaaaaay too old.

Or, you should know all of that. But should you bother tuning in? And why are you asking me, aside from the (correct) assumption that I would be all over this and have gotten my hands on the pilot some three hours after it aired in the US last week?

Well, it depends.

If you're tuning in for total shlock you can laugh at .. maybe no. It's really not that bad. Get yourself a copy of The Secret Life Of The American Teenager instead and snark your little heart out.

If you're a fan of The OC and/or Gossip Girl and want to tune in for some actually awesome teen drama ... maybe also no. It's really not that good.

If you grew up on the original there might be a little bit here you can appreciate, even if Shannen Doherty has not aged well. There are a few in-jokes for the die-hard original fans (hands up if the expression 'geographically undesireable' means anything to you at all ... anyone? anyone?) and it's hard to deny it's a little bit fun to go back to the Peach Pit, even if it's now a lame-arse Starbucks wannabe coffee house. Whether that will be enough to sustain interest is still to be seen - as is whether they're going to have to retcon the ending of the original to make this one work, and if so, how pissed off the fans are going to get.

There's even a Models Inc. shoutout, for the really sad among us.

And fans of Arrested Development will appreciate Lucille Bluth. Her lines aren't as awesome as you might hope, but she made me giggle every time she appeared on screen, which is definitely a plus.

But ultimately, two episodes (or a two-hour pilot, depending on your point of view) in - it's hard to put together an argument one way or the other. 90210 sits pretty squarely in the middle of every scale you care to place it on: It's got more humour than One Tree Hill, more realistic Dialogue than Dawsons Creek. It's prettier than Friday Night Lights, less preachy than the original 90210, less snarky and less pretty and less fun than Gossip Girl, less heartfelt and less warm than The OC. It's edgier than The Secret Life Of The American Teenager, but not by as much as it thinks it is. The writing is average. The quality of the acting ranges from wooden to passable. The directing is indistinctive. It's just sort of ... there - and it kind of feels like it's still trying to figure out where that is, which makes it all the harder for anyone else to figure out.

In short: I give it a C. 3 stars. 6 out of 10. One thumb in each direction. A Shrug. A meh - but a charitable meh. And maybe even that little hand movement where you rock your thumb and forefinger up and down to indicate something is so-so.

Which I know doesn't help much.

So, back to your original question: should you watch?

Sure, if you have a soft spot for teen drama and have nothing better to do with your Monday night.

I guess.

Top 24: Round The First

2008-09-01T20:56:00.006+10:00

I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't really feel much like writing about Australian Idol this year. After last year, I was kind of over the over-analysis that goes into the whole venture, and despite my earnest efforts, recapping was never really my thing. And so far I haven't been tempted to write, even though a few thoughts vaguely resembling the kind of thing I might put into a post have traversed this little brain of mine. Like, for instance, that red-haired guy with the glasses and how he looks like the illegitimate lovechild of Harry and Ron.

But! Tonight's show, the first six performers to sing live for actual votes, was too loaded with potential blog material that my brain LITERALLY forced me on to the computer to share my thoughts. Enjoy!

Chrislyn is a fatty, this much we know for sure. Somewhat counter-intuitively, I sort of like her. Shocking, I know.

True to her name, Jaden Dowd wore the dowdiest jumpsuit in existence tonight, in a horrific display of fashion blindness from which humanity may never recover. When quizzed on why she chose to swathe herself in said garment rather than donate it to the CFS so they can put it to use beating out grass fires, she said that it was all over the latest spring catalogues. Sure it is, Jaden. Sure it is.

Dude, lose the cowboy hat and pluck your eyebrows. I also don't think he's much of a chance competition-wise; I hadn't seen him on the show at all virtually until tonight.

She pretty. Musical theatre roXorZ!

GAY. And not just because he's an effete little French boy with a girly face. Well, that's exactly why he sets off my gaydar. Say chowda, Frenchy!

Another offender who wears the same hat all the time. I also find it difficult to get past the lank hair and beard and concentrate on his VOICE. It isn't hard to not look like you belong on a sexual offenders register, Wes. A change of hat once in a while sort of helps.

Overall, Idol this year isn't very much different to previous years. It's not worse or anything, but I'm a little dubious that there was suddenly such an unprecedented influx of talent like Dicko et al would have me believe. The absence of Mark Holden, however, is a marked improvement.

I'm thinking Nicole and Chrislyn will get through this round. Anyone disagree?

More of Ten's schemes designed to get rich, and quick!

2008-08-26T18:59:00.003+10:00

Has anyone else noticed certain.... irregularities about Ten's coverage of the Simpsons? I'm talking about the six o'clock episodes, not the shitty new episodes which air at seven thirty on Tuesday nights (or whatever).

Well, I've noticed that sometimes brief snippets of dialogue are cut out. It's virtually imperceptible to anyone with a nerd rating inferior to my own (I am the nerd equivalent of a black belt, btw), but I'm pretty sure that the episode I watched earlier was abridged in at least ONE place. It was the episode where Homer and Grampa go on the road to sell sex tonic, and there's a bit where the dialogue goes like this:

Abe: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N -- yes! But please, don't YOU say that word!
Abe: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex.
Homer: Shudder.

Well, colour me unnecessarily cheesed off, because the bit that I watched was cut at the part where Homer says "don't YOU say that word!"

!!!

I know, that's what I said too.

While it's probably likely that Ten are treating their audience with contempt, mistakenly thinking that they can get away with DESECRATING television gold in order to jam more commercials in, I can't help but think that reverse vampires are involved in some way...

Up Next: Forty Sports in Forty Minutes!

2008-08-24T15:18:00.003+10:00

So, given the Olymics are pretty much over, here are some things that whoever is broadcasting them next time might want to consider ...

- Yes, we do have short attention spans, but please try for coherence: three javelin throws, followed by half a race, followed by a single rythmic gymnastics routine, followed by another half of a race, followed by another two javelin throws, followed by two dives, followed by 90 seconds of a soccer game, a three-minute intro to a race - most of which involves a still shot of the Australian competitor standing on the spot staring into space, a 40 second race, one more javelin throw and two more dives do NOT a fun half-hour of viewing make.

- If you do have to cross between events, it would help if you made the comentators aware of your intentions, so they could welcome us back and tell us about what we missed, to give what we're about to see some, you know, context.

- Speaking of commentators, please ask them to provide actual commentary. You're paying experts to share their expertise with us, to help us understand what we are seeing and make sense of how well or not well competitors are doing - and we would really appreciate it if they would do that, instead of just rabbiting on about what it was like when they were young and/or mindlessly exclaiming when something interesting happens without offering us viewers any actual insight into what that interesting thing is and why it is so.

- We don't just care about the swimming. No, really.

- That said, see above: One sport at a time. PLEASE.

- No, the whole country is not on the edge of it's seat. No, this moment will not go down in history. No, we will not be telling our grandchildren about this moment (unless, you know, we're already grandparents and they've just nipped out for some bread and when they get back they ask what they missed ... then we might mention it). No, this is not the greatest achievement in history. It's just fucking sport, and it might be a bit of fun to watch, but should we - god forbid - come second, nothing will really change.

- Yes, Cliches are bad.

- Replays are ok, but interrupting a live event to once more show us a courageous and amazing swim from three days ago that we've already seen forty times is not.

- Joanna Griggs has no personality and sounds like she's taken one too many elocution lessons. Hire someone less robotic.

That is all. Let's hope it's a looong four years.

The Children’s Television Edition

2008-08-18T14:21:00.002+10:00

Oh how the children’s television worm has turned. When I was a little ‘un, we were prevented from watching more than one hour of television a day. On school nights, this meant wrestling with my sister over whether or not we watched ‘Secret Valley’ or whatever the hell it was she wanted to watch (something odious no doubt). Now, ABC2 seem to be marketing their non-stop children's programming as a means to improved home cleanliness.

On weekends, we were allowed to watch precisely as much cartoons as would prevent us from waking my parents early in the morning. However, in my excitement not to miss a minute of this opportunity, I often found myself watching an aged geezer read the racing preview (which finished at 7:00am). Why I didn’t just go back to bed or find something else to do, I’m not sure.

Anyhow, having my own child has led me to rediscovering kids TV in a way that I’d perhaps hoped I would never have to. But blow me down if, even by my standards, children’s television isn’t terribly obscure these days.

Grizzlewick’s current free-to-air favourites include:

Yo Gabba Gabba!

According to Nick Jr it’s “Life lessons with beat”. Mr Fix is convinced that the tall orange thing is some kind of phallus featuring a studded condom. Let’s all say this together “Mr Fix, that says more about you than it does about Yo Gabba Gabba”.

It’s essentially a skinny guy in a leotard and enormous hat mucking around with puppets. And dammit to hell if I haven’t just described most kids TV right there.

Pros:

1.In music and tone, decidedly geared to Gen X slacker rock parents such as ourselves.

Cons:

1. Too intense for early morning viewing.

You can read the yo gabba gabba production blog here , at the delightfully titled 'Yo Blogga Blogga!'. One of the contributors to the blog is the Mystical Permissions Wizard, who for reasons unknown reminds me of Chesty LaRue.

Lazy Town

Where Yo Gabba Gabba! is perplexing in its constant referencing of early 90s slacker style, Lazy Town is just plain weird. The story runs that Stephanie (a pink wigged enthusiatron with energy levels I can only envy) has moved to Lazy Town and is helping her uncle (the mayor of Lazytown) and Sportacus to get kids more active.

I’m intrigued by the notion of TV shows which seem to be promoting not watching TV (the ABC had its own version of Aerobics Oz-Style for kids a few years back, so it seems to be an international phenomenon). Unlike many other kids shows these days, this one still has a baddy, Robbie Rotten, who lives in a basement. The one interesting thing about the show is that the live-action people (because there are, of course, puppets a-plenty in this one too) have all significantly altered appearances, so that if you met them on the street, you probably wouldn’t realise (unlike meeting say, Justine from Playschool on the street*).

Pros:

1. Grizzlewick can’t stop watching it
2. Reasonably good stunts
3. No merchandise

Cons:

1. It’s just so NICE, even with a baddy in play.

Ben 10

Grizzlewick describes Ben 10 as “he’s got a watch and he can turn into heroes”. Ben 10 tells the story of Ben Tennyson who has an omnitrix (the watch Grizzlewick referred to) which can turn him into ten different “alien heroes”. With his grandfather and his cousin, he fights evil and the format’s kinda Scooby Doo in terms of its “villain of the week” approach. I’m horrified to learn that they’ve made two Ben 10 movies already and I may well have to sit through them at some time in the future. I can’t explain what it is that appeals to Grizzlewick about this one, because it’s a bit above his age level and frankly a little darker than he usually likes.

Pros:

1. Not as bad as current, postmodern airing of Scooby Doo
2. Or the Banana Splits

Cons:

1.Doesn’t start until just before 9am, leaving 2 hours of lego-based fun before you can crawl back into bed on Saturday morning
2. You know you’re a terrible, terrible snob when you can’t just watch a kids cartoon without silently screeching “THIS IS SO F-CKING DERIVATIVE!!!!!” in your head
3. TOO MUCH MERCH.

Consider yourselves warned: I will do a more detailed posting on Spongebob Squarepants soon.

* Or Alex Papps!!!! AL:EX PAPPS!!!!

SESA Mailbag: Monday Edition

2008-08-11T07:23:00.002+10:00

Dear Channel Ten,

Wow! Thanks for finally screening the fourth season of US So You Think You Can Dance - just late enough so that any of your viewers who also frequent Television Without Pity are spoiled rotten about the winner. Much appreciated.

But, really, three nights a week?

Did you do a survey and find that fans of this show had no life? Because while we may be a little socially introverted and awkward, sometimes even the most loserish of folk manage to find non-tv things to do on Friday nights.

Must you keep driving me into the arms of the torrents?

Hugs,

Chesty LaRue

The Secret Life Of A Really Crap TV Show

2008-07-27T18:34:00.003+10:00

Some of you out there may be aware that there is a whole world of television out there that the Australian Television Networks would like us not to know about - or to know about a long long time after everyone else. As a result, it's not entirely unheard of for certain Square Arses to seek out their televisual pleasures from less than conventional sources. We're not pirates, per se - although I can't deny that it's sometimes fun to don an eye patch and roll your rrrs - but we're not angels either. We're addicts. It's not our fault.

Anyway, it's not all flowers and sunshine over this side of the fence. The networks may be evil, but sometimes they do have their hearts in the right place. Sometimes they're not showing us Law & Order repeats because they want to, but because they're protecting us from something far far worse. Like the appalling The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious.

Or The Secret Life Of The American Teenager.

Those of you who have never seen an episode of Seventh Heaven - as well as being blessed and lucky and much much happier than me - may also have missed the talents of one Brenda Hampton, the show's creator and head writer. On the other hand, if you're like me and have been scarred by the Camdens, Brenda has probably taught you many things about life, such as that drinking half a beer is probably the most evil thing you can do and will lead to you leading a shit life, that hitting and killing someone with your car is bad - unless of course the person you hit smoked pot once, that Christians never say the word Jesus - unless it is the name of their hamster, and - perhaps most chillingly, that a cell phone and charger count as two items.

Or do they? Watch the series finale and find out.

Seventh Heaven ran for eleven long and horrible years. And if that's evidence enough that Brenda Hampton is indeed the Devil, she's back with a new show: The Secret Life of The American Teenager - which - if the early indicators are anything to go by, will also go for years and years and years, much to the chagrin of any of us who has lost a TV after one or two great seasons.

It's the story of Amy, your average all-american fifteen year old who accidentally slept with Ricky at band camp, and got pregnant. Amy has a creepy dad who is way too interested in her sex life, a younger sister who dresses like a Veronica, two friends who think that the perfect solution to her problem is to sleep with someone else and trick him into thinking he's the father so he marries her, and a new boyfriend - Ben - who tells her he loves her after one date.

It's also the story of Grace, a Christian who is saving herself for marriage. Grace has creepy Christian parents who also take way too much interest in her sex life, a brother with Down Syndrome who's discouraged from going out in public, lest anyone see him, and a boyfriend - Jack, who was all good with the no-sex-until-marriage thing until she started wearing a promise ring given to her by her creepy parents, at which point he realised that he was a horny teenager and - saddened by Grace's confirmation that Oral Sex Does Count - went off and shagged Adrien, the school slut.

Of course, this being a Brenda Hampton show, no-one who willingly has sex just does it because it's fun. Ricky tells his therapist that he's a manwhore and possibly a chronic masturbator because he was sexually abused as a child, and Adrien's mother is a flight attendant - which in Brenda's world, is code for 'bad bad person' (that's what Mary Camden became after drinking that half-beer) - and she's always being abandoned at home by herself.

Add to the mix a wierd and creepy Asian girl whose entire role seems to be showing up every now and then to spout off sex statistics, a guidance counsellor who - without ever having met her - tells Ben that Amy feels shame and embarrassment about having had sex with Ricky, and awful, repetitive, stilted dialogue, and you have the formula for, well, shockingly bad TV.

And this is shockingly bad TV. Have no doubts. The production values are in the toliet. The background music is recycled from Seventh Heaven. The acting is woeful. The characters are stereotypes. The messages are heavy-handed and apallingly conservative and one-sided.

Just like with Seventh Heaven, this show employ the 'tell, don't show' method of storytelling, and seems to pride itself on never using certain words that would seem key to the plot. So far, two episodes in, I think we've heard the word 'pregnant' once, with most characters preferring an awkward 'you know ...' while looking at Amy's uterus.

Possibly the saddest thing about this show? Molly Ringwald as Amy's mother. It's hard not to yell 'why, Molly, WHY?' every time she appears on screen, and despairing for the future of our current crop of quirky teen stars, if this is what they have to look forward to. WHY MOLLY WHY???

Brenda Hampton has said in interviews that she'd like the pregnancy to go for several seasons, because there are 'so many great stories to tell'. Given the ratings so far - scarily high for it's cable channel home - and the fact that she is the devil, she'll probably get her way. And then there will be a spin-off, which will also run forever.

So consider this a warning. Under no circumstances should you even give this show a chance. If - as will probably happen - one of our networks picks it up, just say no. Stay innocent. Stay pure. Stay untarnished. Don't let get you. Don't let her win.

An in case you're wondering - it's too late for me. She's won. I'm currently downloading episodes three and four and I'll be watching them as soon as humanly possible.

Pray for me.

It all falls into place....

2008-07-23T20:07:00.002+10:00

ZOMG.

Is it possible they made an entire season of Californication, just so that David Duchovny could resurrect his career to the point where a second X-Files movie was given the green light?

I wonder if they could make another series of Magnum P.I., in the hopes of resurrecting 3 Men and a Baby?

Would make about as much sense.

2008-07-20T22:43:00.002+10:00

Big Brother, as we all know, will not be on television from next year, THANK GOD. Which means that three months' worth of prime-time television will have to be filled by Ten, and I'm curious as to how it will be done. More of Ten's unofficial flagship program, The Simpsons? Perhaps. I hope it's not going to be some shockingly bad reality program stolen from American television, although it probably will be. Ugh. I still want to savour the feeling of Big Brother's cancellation for a little while longer. Seriously, I'm embarrassed by my early optimism ahead of this year's "rejuvenated" BB format. Rejuvenated my arse. I haven't watched a full episode of BB since my last post here two months ago; the sentiment at the end of which pretty much encapsulated my feelings then and now. I don't really care who wins it this year, but if you pressed me, I guess I'd say Terri. Whatever. Although I still kind of like Ben.

Australian Idol

YAY! I know last year's final was about as memorable as what you had for breakfast that morning, but something in me still absolutely adores Idol. The promos for this year are slightly worrying, for several reasons. First, because now we pretty much know who the final 50 are. Smooth move, Ten. And second, because the women appear to be more butch than ever, and the men are bigger pansies than ever. Why the HIGH VOICES? I blame Benji Mac.

Who else sniggers at that red haired guy? American Idol already did the nerdy-red-hair-guy-is-way-out-of-his-league a few years ago:

RED POWER!

Foxtel Fulminations: Hannah Montana

So, I get that I'm probably not in the target age demographic for the show Hannah Montana, featuring Miley Cyrus, but I'm a little bit bemused. Bemused both by the show itself and Miley Cyrus' inexplicable popularity among the kiddies of generations younger than my own. I've seen the show, and... it reminds me of Drake and Josh, Lizzie McGuire and that show featuring Dylan and Cole Sprouse (those blonde fuckers who used to play Ross's son on Friends. Let's hear it for random trivia!). In other words, the whole stupid show is poorly written, its young stars drive me to distraction with their underdeveloped, over-wrought acting, and the laugh track is as effective as the condom you used to keep in your wallet before you realised that it's pretty much fucked due to the change in temperature that occurs whenever you take your wallet out of your pocket. I don't quite know what my point is. I suppose I just enjoy tut-tutting over how impressionable children are.

Miley Cyrus is bulimic, meaning that she can read minds

As for her popularity, well: While I can understand why Hilary Duff was popular (her songs weren't altogether terrible, and she is quite pretty), Miley Cyrus's popularity really bothers me. It has nothing to do with that skanky photo shoot, or the fact that her creepy Keith Urban-esque dad probably took her virginity years ago -- although these facts do little to help the situation. Everyone seems to skip over the fact that she has a busted set of teeth, and she has a voice much older than her fifteen years would suggest, both of which are possibly related to an undiagnosed bout of The Bulimia. She sounds exactly like an emphysemic, chain smoking fifty-five year old woman. With the aforementioned busted teeth. Shudder.

Worst. Show. Ever.

2008-07-06T17:22:00.001+10:00

Mark Loves Sharon.

Nuff said.

I'm Freeeeeeeee

2008-06-30T07:23:00.001+10:00

I think it's safe to say that this appalling mess of a season has broken my Big Brother addiction once and for all. Go me!

Anyone else got any crap TV addictions they've kicked lately?

SESA Mailbag #237

2008-05-24T19:19:00.002+10:00

Dear Channel Ten,

Back in August of last year, you impressed us all with the news that you would be 'fast-tracking' House - meaning that you would be showing it 'fresh off the satellite' a bit under a week after it screened in the US, instead of what you usually do, which is holding shows that start in the US in September for the start of our ratings year, the following February.

You were doing this for us, you said. We knew you were in fact doing this to try to slow the spread of downlaoding biting into your ratings, but still, we were appreciative. Better than nothing, right?

And then the writers went on strike, and House (and Life, and Journeyman, and Supernatural, and all the other shows you were 'fast-tracking') close up production and you were left with the opening of a ratings season with no new episodes of anything (except, oddly, for two episodes of Life you never screened, for some reason that no-one understands). And it sucked for you.

But here's the bit you may not have heard: the writers strike is over. It ended MONTHS ago. David Shore and the House team went back into the studio and produced four of their best episodes yet to wrap up the season.

The second part of the two-part season finale aired in the US a week ago. It was awesome and involving and sad and gripping and filled with OMFGoodness in spades.

To date, you have aired one new episode. After running a brief but intense 'House is Back!' campaign, you aired one new episode, before resuming the steady diet of repeats we've been fed for months now.

So, what happened to the fast-tracking?

I mean, it doesn't matter to me - I've seen everything you're not showing me now, and even if you decided to get your arse into gear, I still wouldn't bother watching. And I dare say I'm not the only one who's given up on your shit to get their TV when they want it.

(You could pass that last bit onto messers Nine and Seven, who have the rights to Pushing Daisies, Gossip Girl and Chuck, but see no reason to air them ...)

It's a bit of a shame for all of you, really. I'm a good little consumer and in your target demographic, but I am no longer buying what you are selling. And I love television of all kinds, and will happily spread the word, both to my real life friends and all over the interweb - if I see something worth watching.

The thing is this: I have no wish to be a downloader. There is a little part of me that would rather not do it. Unfortunately, I am also a citizen of cyberworld, and as such, I'm somewhat compelled. The watercooler that I gather around to discuss my favourite TV shows is no longer in the corner of my office - it's in my computer and all over the world. And sadly, it just doesn't cut it out here if you're six months behind - nor will the fans in the US and UK think not to discuss the surprise death in the season finale all over the internet just because some suckers in Australia haven't seen it yet and don't wish to be spoiled.

And to that, you could tell me that I could just stay away from the various websites that are most likely to spoil me, and hold off on my discussion, or limit it to the lameness that is The Tribal Mind. But that's not really likely to help when YOU are just as likely to spoil me as anyone else. Remember when Marissa Cooper died? Remember those weeks of promos you ran advising me to watch the lead-up to the season finale in which Marissa Cooper will die!!!

Because that was meant to be a SURPRISE. We weren't meant to know about it until it happened. If you'd fast-tracked the show a) you wouldn't have been able to run weeks of promos spoiling us all and b) we might have had a chance to actually be shocked.

So, no, I can't just stay off the internet for the months between when they air it and when you air it. I have to stay off the network instead.

Or I could just download it. And sure, I might feel a little bad about it, but it's better than the alternative. And once I start downloading it, what do you think the chances are that I'll ever stop and come back to you? Seriously.

No longer yours,

Chesty LaRue

More Big Brother gruel

2008-05-20T17:56:00.003+10:00

Heh. Nathan was funny on last night's Big Mouth. I was only slightly annoyed by his gayness, and actually kind of impressed with some of his comments, which by the way far outstripped Rebecca Wilson's in both relevance and incisiveness.

But other than that, what a boring piece of shit show. I am convinced that it's not just because the housemates this year are kind of prudish (... well, compared to previous housemates), but because the show is now exceptionally afraid of being criticised in this post-turkey slap world. The only evidence I have to support this view is that they censored Terri's graphic description of unsavoury porn. Why did they do that? That's so pissweak. Anyway, if they censored that, then they MUST also be editing out some of the truly hilarious shit.

In other news, the Nathan and Renee thing is gross. Why is she all put off by how he is 'out of her league'? Newsflash, if you consider a 27 year old bald virgin to be out of your league, you need to work on your self esteem a little bit. How the hell does anyone manage to stay a virgin for so long, anyway?

The eviction the other night was so stupid - WE WERE SO CLOSE TO LOSING TRAVIS!! The despair was palpable when Rebecca opted to save him. In doing so, she pushed herself into the field of potential evictees, and in the end made the decision to give herself the boot. This would have been a classy way to leave the house, if it weren't for the fact that she wants to get a spread in one of those trashbag men's magazines. Yuck - do any men find these bitches attractive at all, or is it just about the posturing and bravado that ogling fake-titted bitches with bad hair affords them? Either way, you people sicken me.

A quick note about Bianca: she's a sour bitch who doesn't fit and serves no purpose whatsoever. The faux-intellectualism got on my nervese when Corey was in the house, and now that she doesn't have a target for her confected righteous indignation she's split it thirteen ways and is annoying EVERYONE, and in turn, me. I've never seen her do anything but bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

A quick note about Travis: has anyone else noticed that he likes to hug people... like, a lot? And his hugs are always kind of awkward. It's hard to describe, but he goes in for a bear hug or something, and to the other person it's just an ordinary man hug, so he ends up hanging on too long. Gah, trust me, it's annoying. Another thing I've noticed is that he always - ALWAYS - does this stupid arm-dance booty shake-esque move, usually as a kind of happy dance. It was popular in 2001, if I recall. Again, it's hard to describe, but if you've watched BB as much as I have you will have noticed this too.

A quick note about Travis' mum: Lady, if you have to go on television to personally attest to your adult son's staunch heterosexuality, chances are you are suffering a severe case of denial. I had a bad case of denial myself, until the lacrosse team stuck a pine cone up my ass (note: Billy Madison reference).

Finally - Big Brother is becoming quite dull.

FYI

2008-05-20T11:12:00.002+10:00

Gossip Girl:

You NEED to watch this show...

That is all...

Die, Carson Kressley, die.*

2008-05-14T17:12:00.008+10:00

Big Brother

Carson Kressley is going into the house tonight, so naturally I've stocked up on razor blades and drawn a nice, hot bath, and am all prepared. I hope he doesn't try to molest Corey -- you know how homosexuals can't control their filthy predilections around vigorous young go-getters like that. And anyway, I barsed him first. I thought I might challenge him to a handstand competition, after which we'd fall in a pile on the floor, and we'd laugh jovially and my hand would come to rest on his leg, and it'd be awkward for a second, and then he laughs, and I laugh, and we lean in for a kiss...

Yes, I am a thirteen year old girl hopped up on Dolly magazines.

God, now I've forgotten what I was going to bitch about, besides Carson Kressley. Well, the eviction last Sunday revealed several HUGE weaknesses in the new'n'improved sans Gretel Big Brother format, not the least of which was the obvious confusion with the names of housemates being regurgitated back into the house via the revolving door. That sucked. The actual evictee was totally deserved - Saxon just irks me. Even before this season started I commented privately that he looked a bit Crabbe/Goyle-ish and possibly missing a chromosome or two, which I never publicly articulated because I thought it was overly mean, even for a big bitching queen like me. But he is everything that I thought, and more. I don't buy for a second that he just happened to change just like that his former racist tendencies.

I cannot believe that I missed the first half of Big Mouth. I think I need a planner or something. Or, you know, a little innovation called TiVo. You know TiVo - it's that thing you heard about from that episode of Sex and the City but which has never actually made its way to the southern hemisphere for no good reason at all. We are so backward here in Australia that the computer I'm typing this on is actually just a typewriter that I connected to the internet using popsticks, pipecleaners and Klag clue. The pipecleaners are mostly for aesthetic value.

What I did manage to see of Big Mouth seemed more of the same as last week, only this time Rory seems to have gotten his dick out. There was a time when I would surreptitiously salivate over this late at night when I was fourteen or so, but that time has well and truly passed. What a disappointing package. Paul wasn't on the panel, which is just a fraction of the total number of changes they needed to make, but I'm hoping that Rebecca Wilson is next. Chrissie is officially my favourite panelist, I've decided. Does anyone remember when Chrissie was in the house in 2003, and someone behind the mirrors made some remark about her being fat, which she heard, and there was this whole investigation and the person responsible was fired (or reprimanded or something)?

The Catherine Tate Show

In one of my more recent drafts for this blog I bitched about the ABC's decision to air this absolutely Brit-larious show at the patently ridiculous time of 11.20pm on a Friday night, right after Lateline. I made some sarcastic comment about how Lauren Cooper and Tony Jones go together as well as Anthony Callea does with a fist - don't quiz me on that one 'cause I'm still baffled. Anyway - I learned recently that ABC is airing the new (I hope) series at the normal time of Wednesday night at 9.30pm. Yay!

UPDATE: ... but I didn't get to see it tonight because SOMEBODY interfered with my DVD recorder. We'll see who stands in the way of me and my inappropriate use of office equipment!

* Er, it's German, for "the Carson Kressley, the".

Sweet, nourishing Big Brother gruel.

2008-05-06T11:17:00.004+10:00

Big Brother.

Corey is a bigger moron than I thought. A condition of Terri's return to the house as a housemate is that she keeps Corey into line, and since a good portion of the housemates don't really want her back, what do they do? They convince Corey to act like a shit. At one point he was actually hiding from her, and when Travis asked him why he was doing it, he said - and I quote - 'I dunno, they told me to do it.' More than being a complete moron, he's allowed himself to be a pawn. Well done Corey, you obviously couldn't cultivate an original thought if your life depended on it.

I suppose my exasperation at this is that I have come to like Terri. I really feel sorry for her, especially when I saw Nobbi do his spectacularly immature tantrum on the announcement of her return to the house. It was like an episode of Jerry Springer - that beep lasted about two straight minutes last night. Seriously Nobbi, she HAD to pick one person, and you happened to be one of the people who voted to evict her, so be a grown-up and suck it the fuck UP. Crybaby.

And anyway, despite her wayward political views (which, honestly, we haven't even heard about once) I think she's a good person. When the new housemates and Corey stood up to introduce themselves, I immediately hated all of them. One guy, who I believe is the hardcore rocker guy, stood up and said "I've been clean for eleven years, I don't drink or smoke". Uh huh. And this is the most interesting thing that you could come up with to introduce yourself? Not doing drugs doesn't make you a loser, but acting like it's in any way interesting DOES make you a loser. But no, Terri actually said something about her upbringing and her family and some of her relationships, and I liked her for it. So I think that it's vastly unfair of Nobbi and others to a) actively encourage Corey to act up; and b) to just stand back and watch her flounder in her mission. It's cowardly and it's mean, and it doesn't make for good television.

Jacob no like. Baaaad medicine.

PS. Corey? Your hair SUCKS. You look like every faggot blonde twink I have ever met. Just bone your boyfriend already.

Big Mouth

Pissed me off. Too much talking, not enough raw footage from the house. I would have preferred to see the lead-up to, and the fallout from, Rory's confrontation with Travis about his sexuality. Instead we had to listen to Rebecca Wilson making an embarrassment of herself and Tony Squires desperately trying to revive his television credentials. The former seemed very uncomfortable, and her observations on the house bordered on the total obvious at some points, and completely inaccurate on other points. As for it being rated MA15+, well, I think that if you count Nobbi's stereotype-enforcing dick (and gross pubes!) or brief talk of anal sex as MA15+ material, then you... need to go outside a bit more. The first half was pretty much the panel gasbagging, and a slightly shorter recap of everything we had already seen in the daily show.

But talk about too many cooks spoiling the broth! Uncut doesn't work as a panel show, and with FIVE people all trying to butt in it gets awesomely tedious. Rebecca Wilson does not need to be there, Tony Squires could potentially be replaced with Mike Goldman just for a little bit of consistency with the rest of the BB franchise, and maybe get rid of the other three. I didn't actually mind Chrissie, Paul and Tim's input, but as I said already, too much blah blah-ing and not enough of what we really want to see and hear. Dirty smut and gratuitous nudity, blessed be.

Tim Brunero, you have commented on my blog once after I mentioned you, which suggests that you take on board what petty bloggers like myself say, so please can you address some of the issues enumerated above with your producers?

PS. Ben was SO lying when he said he'd had sex with six different people. The uuummmmm was a dead giveaway. Going by the theory expounded in some teen movie that I can't quite remember what it was called, women always divide by three the number of sex partners they have actually had, and guys always multiply by three the number of sex partners. Which means he's had two sex partners, which, at his age, isn't bad to just come out and admit.

So You Think I Can Be Finishing With The Recapping Now? The Finale ... All 2.5 hours of it.

2008-05-02T20:42:00.005+10:00

Right-o. There’s no time for faffing about. No time for philosophical musings or witty intros. We have over two hours of show to get through – let’s hope most of it is fast-forwardable, or we’re going to be here for a looooooong time.

Oh, and I'd like to apologise for the lateness of my recap. I know we've all moved on to Big Brother and The Biggest Loser finale and forgotten about our special little show, and I feel so bad about letting it get to Friday night before I finished this. What can I say? Busy week. So if I can ask you to cast your mind back to the excitement that was last Sunday night, just for a few minutes/4,040 words (excluding this paragraph), then that would be great. Sorry for any inconvenience caused ... Hugs!

And also – grand finale! Yay!

We open with shots of the top four talking over their top 48-solos, and then some other recapping of auditions and top 100 week – and mostly Jason’s horrible hair, and a quite from Camilla and Courtney (oh! Hi Courtney! You won’t get to do a partner dance later so I’ll say hi now … in case we don’t see you again.) and then all the shows – in short, the recaps are here. If you missed any of this, go read them.

I'll wait.

read the rest

Not surprisingly, since this is the grand finale and we’re all about recapping the whole thing, we’re going to get some Potbelleez with our recapping. For old-times sake.

And then we finally open on a top 20 number. The camera starts on Courtney and the ‘dance flicks’ through to all our friends we’ve lost along the way, before everyone joins in. Oh, and it’s to that Rhianna song from Auditions. Awesome. And I thought I’d never ever have to hear it again.

But of course because it’s the finale it’s not *just* about the top 20. Because here’s Bonnie and Jason Gilkinson, with a little Ballroom interlude. Maybe she should have stuck to high-kicks and kept her mouth shut. And here’s Nacho Pop! Poptacular! And now look, it’s Matt and Jason – and all their gay gay glory - and Kelly Abbey, who is pretty hot for … however old she is. And finally in her rightful place – with the other judges.

And then the top four come out and they’re wearing glittery bits and aw … I love them all. But mostly Rhys (who rocks the shirtless cuffs) and then mostly Kate (who should avoid glittery black pants, by the way) and then mostly Jack and then … not so much Demi. But she’s ok.

Although the Kate/Jack thing is close. If not for the Jack pimpery of the last few weeks, it’d probably be a dead heat.

As for Our Nat, well, she murdered an ostrich and a drag queen and made herself a little dress! And she’s still calling Bonnie ‘bling bling bling’. Some things will never improve.

Bonnie takes the opportunity that everyone else took to say nice things about the dancers to thank us for taking her into our hearts and making her feel so welcome. Oh. I guess she hasn’t been reading the fora then … Now I feel guilty for all my blind raging hatred.

Except not. Shut up Bonnie.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #1. Bonnie. Except for the fun-making potential.

So now it’s time for a recap of the auditions. A proper one, not just an opening one. So many memories. So many tears. So much happy. And look. There was footage of Kate’s audition. Still … not very much, but it was there. Pity we couldn’t have seen it before …

And then it’s back to Nat and she’s all random and ‘wow! So many memories! I remember Caleb most of all!’ and we’re all like ‘Who the fuck is Caleb, but thanks for sharing!’

Now it’s time for some tap by the tap dogs and tap pups and it’s all very cute but I’m writing this at 6.45 in the am so the tapping is giving me a migrane. It’s one noisy dance-style, innit? But cute. With the little kid tappers.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #2. The stupid Flake ad.

Then it’s time for a proper recap of top 100 week. I feel like I’ve seen this before … oh. Wait. I have. And here’s Kate again! I love how now she’s top four they’re making out like she was there all along …

Oh! It’s greasy dirty Will who used to be such a sweet boy! And shut up Camilla.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #3. Camilla.

And then we get the bit where Jason tells Rhys he loves how different he is and Rhys says he doesn’t hear that very often and I get all teary. Wasn’t that beautiful television, kids?

And then it’s time for more Dancing. This time it’s hip-hop, with Khaly (Um?) and hip-hop dancers from the Top 100. And look how many of them there are! The costumes are all cool are futuristic but …

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #4. All the freaking Hip-hop.

I suppose they’re giving Khaly (Don’t pretend you don’t remember him. Pierced guy. Short. Crap.) this dance because his only partner dance was so shit and they’d have to show how horrible they were to Kate by pairing her with someone so much shorter and crappier than her.

After the break, there’s yet another reminder of the voting numbers. Ok, who in the voting public still doesn’t know that you sms the name of the person you like to 191010? And not just because I told you? It’s … really not that hard. And it’s the same number (or thereabouts) for all the Channel Ten shows.

Then we have some dancing from Jamie Elliot. Aw. More cute boy dancing. I’m getting a very strong ‘boys! Dancing is cool!’ public service announcement from this show, and I’m thinking my son – if I ever have one – will be learning to dance. I want him to feel the sting and humiliation of being a boy dancer on every one of life stages but this one. And maybe win me 200,000 one day.

After that, Natalie explains to us (as though it still matters) how we used to kick people out during the first half of the top 20. And … recap! All those eliminations. Jason looking pensive and serious. JD crying because he can’t dance. Oh! Marko! I liked Marko. Why did they make him dance with that … wench? And once more, with a backing vocal:

SHUT UP CAMILLA!!

Why do they keep showing her talk?

Now it’s time for a Top 10 routine. Aw. Jack is tapping. And … there’s a stupid black big brother ad running across the bottom of the dancing. Thanks Channel Ten.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #5. The craptacular camera work.

The routine is pretty cool, but it’s so very clearly a Nacho Pop-influenced routine. Blergh.

(See things I will not miss about SYTYCD #4.)

Nat takes the opportunity to tell us that a) the voting lines are closed. Eh. I’m actally impressed at the total absence of any sort of Jackpimping that has gone on. Nice work, show and b) The top ten will be touring. Oh. My. God. ActonB, we are so there! And c) that the ultimate breathtaking moment was from Rhys and Kate’s … Rumba?

Wow. Way to fit too much information into one little segment there, writers.

After the break, another reminder of the crapness of the prizes that all the runners up will get. Hardly seems fair, does it?

And then … recap! Top ten to top four. Which is awesome because there’s no quotes from Camilla. We end with a shot of the top four and a cool top four dance routine (which the cynic in me suspects is one of the first live performances we’ve seen tonight … given these are the outfits these guys were wearing in the little grab from backstage they threw into the last 10 minutes of The Biggest Loser). It’s pretty awesome. If this show has taught me anything – and it hasn’t taught me much – it’s that if you want to make a routine hot, just … add a chair.

Or four.

And Rhys. If you can’t get the chair.

After that visual feast, the top four go over to Natalie to get made into three. She tries to make it very clear that she’s going to reveal the top three, not the winner, except then she says that Jack is safe, so – you know – she’s a liar. Natalie then says it’s time to reveal the two top dancers, and calls Kate which is – again – a lie. Or … Something. I’m so confused right now. For someone who started this whole thing off by wanting to make things clear, she’s certainly not doing that.

So it’s down to Rhys and Demi. And of course Rhys is safe, because that’s just the least suspenseful elimination since that time they kicked out Laura. Strangely though, I still felt a little bit ill in the moment before they called his name. This is nervewracking, y’all. You don’t understand.

Anyway, all that means that Demi came fourth. If she was a boy, she wouldn’t have made the top twenty, but because she’s a girl and I can’t really think of many girls that sucked less than her, I guess I’ll deal. Her recap is all about her journey from b-girl to girl-who-sometimes-dances-in-heels. Or barefeet, even. Sadly, they show Bonnie’s ‘You Are Woman’ brain snap and the whole world winces.

Jason tells Demi she’s awesome. And what else is he going to say? Bonnie … makes us all wince again by asking Demi to sign an essay to her sister about how she is Demi and she is great and she can dance and blah blah blah and even Demi winces and totally fudges it.

Matt kicks Bonnie under the table for making it that he doesn’t have time to speak, and we go to commercial break. Hopefully Bonnie takes the chance to have a good long think about how inane she is.

After the break, it’s time for the top 20 dancers to perform some of the most memorable dances from the show. And first up is … Marko and Stephanie’s punk Jive to The Veronicas, which Matt introduces with an internal wince. Don’t worry Matt, we don’t really think you consider this memorable for being anything but … bad.

Although I do wish Marko had gone further. He’s lovely and I kind of adore him – more for the fact that he reminds me so very much of an old friend than anything else, but still … Hearts for Marko.

Camilla and Sermsah are up next with their martial arts thingamy. Now, I was a lone voice in calling this mediocre last time, and I probably will be again, but this is mediocre. And … not even nearly as good as last time. I wonder if Camilla and Sermsah realised they’d have to dance together again when they went around bagging each other out after being elimintated all those weeks ago?

Please don’t let Camilla talk. Please don’t let Camilla talk. Please don’t let – DAMN!!!

Next up – and we’re not wasting any time tonight, are we – are Blahura and Blahnthony with their disco routine and my god it’s shit. Maybe in top eighteen week or whatever this seemed good but we’ve come so far that now it just looks like someone’s bad home videos … and you know what’s even sadder – this is as good as these two ever got. Yeah. And, even sadder: Blanthony made the top frigging ten. And Marko didn’t.

Blahnthony says hi to the Gold Coast. The Gold Coast rolls over and starts snoring.

Next up, Bonnie introduces – awwwww – Rhys and Jemma’s waltz. Now, this is still freaking awesome. It gives me tingles and it’s like the third time I’m watching it. And just maybe I’m tearing up a bit at what might have been. I love them.

The voting public is so needlessly cruel.

And then there’s this beautiful thing where Jemma tells Rhys that she’s so proud of him and she was so lucky to be his partner and she’s his number one fan and he says he couldn’t have done it without her and they cuddle and IT’S NOT FAIR. WHY, voting public, WHY? Doesn’t this shit just get you right in the gut and make you melty? When did Jack ever make you melty? Huh? Jack may have perfect Jazz face, but he never made us MELTY! IT’S NOT FAIR!!

Ad break. Which gives me time to compose myself.

Aaanyway.

After the break Rhiannon and JD get an opportunity to get that shitful Tango right. Aw. How lovely. Sadly, I didn’t actually pick where they fucked it the first time so to me it just looks … a bit better. Rhiannon’s skirt splits a bit high for my tastes – although I suppose it’s the best advertising her waxer will ever get.

She prefers a straight landing strip to a small V, by the way …

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #6. Intimate knowledge of Rhiannon’s pubic grooming.

Natalie asks if JD and Rhiannon are lovers again and … ew. No. Not after my waxer joke.

Next up are Kate and Hilton doing their foxtrot. Not exactly memorable, really, but it couldn’t all be Rhys and Jemma, could it?

And again, we have proof of the chair theory. Chair = sexy dance. It’s cool, but sadly Hilton just doesn’t bring the hot manly love. Rhys would have KILLED that.

Then it’s Kassy and Graeme, and here’s a question for the square eyes: why are all the most memorable dances from the first three weeks of live performances? Because me, I thought things got better as we got further in, but every single dance so far has been from the first three weeks.

Although, on the bright side: no hip-hop.

Strange. Must not have been particularly memorable. Hmmmm …

Also, while I’m asking you guys for help: I’m running out of original ways to say indicate what is happens next. I don’t want to kill you all with ‘And then’s and ‘Next up’s and ‘After the break’s … but how else can I say it? Is there a thesaurus for this kind of this, do you think?

And then (SEE???) we have our final memorable dance and it’s Henry and Vanessa’s African Samba – which … may have been from a bit further in. But not much, really.

This is mean, but for some reason ever since Vanessa took to the stage in that hideous leopard-skin leotard to do her Lion-King dance just before she got eliminated, I have found her … kinda gross to watch. She squicks me now in a way she didn’t before that leopard-print camel-toe burned itself onto my brain, and so I find this routine pretty fast-forwardable.

Ew. Vanessa camel-toe.

And ew. Shirtless Henry.

I won’t go on about how there were many more, much more memorable performances they could have shown us, or, for that matter, about how it’s quite obvious that Jack wasn’t very memorable, given they all just forgot about him. I’m just going to let it go, because I’m mature and grown up and not at all bitter. Really.

And it is just a TV show.

After the break, it’s time for some Damian Leith. He’s singing Mad World by Gary Jules, which is a very odd choice – given it’s so Ben McKenzie’s song and this is just bastadry, even though I don’t hate Damian Leith particularly much at all.

So it starts off like it’s all about him, and then a little way in he wanders off toward the side of the stage and good old Caleb starts doing his thing. Remember Caleb? Probably not as well as Natalie does, but he was that super-talented fifteen-year old we saw in the auditions who made everyone cry, but then couldn’t be in the show because he was too young.

You know what I find kind of funny, and kind of sad, is that the audience cheered for the dancing right over the line ‘look right through me, look right through me’ – and it gets even funnier and sadder when the song ends and Natalie rushes over to … hug Caleb, and go on about how wonderful … Caleb is, and then – remembers Damien, yells over to him from the other side of the stage about how he was great and he has a new album out and then dismisses him.

And for the first time since I started inwardly pointing and laughing at him for releasing a shitehouse novel (not that I read it, but it … just looks shitehouse, doesn’t it?), I feel deeply sad for Damian Leith. He looks so dejected, and who can blame him? He was just used and abused by the producers of a Channel Ten reality TV show …

Again.

Natalie then gives Caleb a scholarship for the Sydney Dance company (sponsored by Optus, of course) and lets Jason wank on about line and technique and performance maturity and blah blah. I’m not part of his dance family, so I have no idea what he just said. Do you?

And we cap that off with an embarrassing ad for the Idol Auditions.

Voiceover: No matter who you are –
Guy Sebastian: I’m Guy!

So. Deep. It. Doesn’t. Even. Stand. To. Be. Mocked.

Things I will not miss abous SYTYCD #7. In Show ads for Idol.

Things I will not miss abous SYTYCD #8. And Optus.

Things I will not miss abous SYTYCD #9. And Sony

After that, it’s time to eliminate someone. I wonder who it is! So much excitement –

I qualify the sarcasm there by pointing out that when I first watched this, my heart was in my throat and I felt kind of giddy from the excitement, so while I’m bagging it out now, you all know it comes from a place of having been there

- and the first one safe is Rhys, because they’re messing with our heads in a way that can only be described as way cruel. And yet the first time I saw this I cheered, because I didn’t yet know that my chain was being yanked. On first watching, it was just awesome.

And then it was down to Jack and Kate.

Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be Kate. Please be – DAMN!

There’s lots of screaming and clapping and yaying, and Rhys tries to look happy but you just know that he was wishing the same thing I was.

Kate’s package is lovely. A lot of stuff we didn’t see – because, as we all know, we weren’t allowed to see Kate even once before the top 20 week – so it’s not just recapping shit we’ve seen fifteen times.

Everyone cheers and claps and – what is that, a tear in the corner of my eye?

Pah!

As if.

And the judges still think she’s awesome. Except Bonnie, who thinks she deserves to be standing there … and not with the top two.

The guys come over and hug her and it’s all lovely.

And then there were two. The two we’ve been predicting since week two. If this show has been one thing all the way through, it’s predictable. Sigh. Maybe with everyone predicting a Jack-win, we’ll finally get an upset.

I know it’s wishful thinking, ok? I’m writing this after having seen the result … just, let me go live in that alternate universe where the voting public thinks like me.

Next up, it’s Leona Lewis – who looks rather … leonine. This is where I go to the toilet (the first time) and hit fast forward (the second time).

Then of course there is another break. The billionth of the night. But after that it’s time for the awesome. Jack and Rhys come out in suspiciously matched shirts and jeans with the cuffs rolled up and aww … they’re both so cute. Mostly Rhys, but Jack too.

Nat asks if they thought they’d get this far and I just wish for someone, some day, on some reality TV show far far away that I don’t have to like anyone on – such as maybe The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, for example - to be asked that question and answer ‘well, yeah. Everyone else is shit and I am awesome. Who wouldn’t have predicted a me-slide?’

No, Natalie, they didn’t. Because they’re a bit humble and not big balls of hateful ego. Der.

Thankfully, we go straight into Jack’s package, which means that the end is near. Notice how they’re doing Jack first? That’s to make us think he’s not going to win. They’re throwing us off the stanky scent of victory. Or is that sweaty dancer boy after rehearsal? Who can tell these days …

I like Jack’s package – not that one! Sheesh! – but I can’t help but thinking that no matter what he does, he … keeps being Jack. Week to week, it’s not so noticeable, but in a montage, it becomes very clear. He may be versatile, but only so long as he still gets to be Jack. And luckily for him, they kept on giving him routines were he could be.

Rhys’s package – Can I use the same joke here again? Please? – shows something different. For a start, it shows a kinda gross mustache I’m so glad he got rid of. But then it shows someone who becomes each and every character he gets given. It’s all Rhys, but it’s all so very very different and unique and true and amazing and every emotion he’s had to express – and there have been so many – he’s expressed with his whole self and I’ve bought it, absolutely and without reseveration.

Sigh.

Finally, it’s time for our last routine of the night. Which is a Jack and Rhys jive that is so very very hot. Whoever said girls didn’t find boy-on-boy sexy never saw this. It’s also fun, energetic and light-hearted – as in it turns on a little light in my heart and makes me smile.

Everyone cheers and claps and then Jack and Rhys hug. Sadly, there is no snogging, but, you never know … maybe after the show the creating of Rhys/Jack babies can begin in earnest? Yes?

Please?

So, now would be the ultimate time to reveal the winner. But instead there’s an ad break.

Things I will not miss about SYTYCD #11: All. The. Freaking. Ads.

Or, did I say that already? It’s been a looooooong recap. Hence the lateness etc.

After the break there’s another reminder of just what our winner will win, and Mia Michaels does this little bit to the camera that’s meant to be live and shit but is suspiciously gender neutral and non-specific.

Also, is she stoned?

Nat throws to Jason as he lies and says that he doesn’t care who wins, and I think if that were true he wouldn’t have spent the whole season pimping Jack. Then Bonnie lies and says they’re both her favourites, and she thinks Mia Michaels will be happy to work with either one – except, you know, Mia loves the quirky and hates the cheesy, so I know who she would really prefer. Matt doesn’t say much of anything except ‘guy dancers rock’. Which is …actually true.

It’s time for the result now - after two and some hours of what has basically been kinda entertaining filler - and I think I’m going to spew.

Erm. And that’s watching it the second time with nearly a week to get over the initial shock. Maybe it’ll be different this time, yeah?

Please be Rhys. Please be Rhys. Please be Rhys. Please be Rhys. Please – DAMN!!!!

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!!

Glitter falls from the sky. The boys hug. Natalie hugs Rhys. The judges cheer (I KNEW IT!). The top 20 run up on stage and everyone hugs as Natalie demonstrates her incredible inability to keep her voice at a consistent and natural volume and pace one last time – for this year. Because this show will be back next year. Yipee!

And I will be watching. But just to see how badly they take a perfectly nice reality TV show format and make it shit for season two … because this is Channel 10, after all.

Credits.

End.

Rove.

Stop.

Until next time … it’s been fun. Thank you for having me as your recapper in ActonB’s absence.

Be good, yeah?

Chesty XX

The Biggest Big Loser Brother!

2008-05-01T22:28:00.002+10:00

The Biggest Loser.

Yay Sam! I was genuinely happy that Sam took out the third series. In a final comprised of two of my favourites (both of whom I liked more or less right from the two episodes I watched at the start), it was a most fantastic result. Pity I missed most of it due to an earlier engagement (read: Sex & The City on Foxtel).

The other bad news is that all three contestants looked distinctly haggard. Alison had crows feet, where before she had cherubic features. Sam even looked kind of old, surprisingly. And huge ears! Did you see his ears? I guess the weathered looks might have something to do with the lighting -- everyone looked a bit off. Still, I guess they must have gone home and subsisted on a diet of dust and sticks, slept whilst running on the treadmill, and chugged battery acid to dissolve the remaining calories. So the weathered faces can be excused.

Big Brother.

ACTION REPLAY: Terri is evicted by housemate vote, who then banishes Nobbi to the Kombi van. But she isn't gone yet! Oh no, it looks like she'll be back this Sunday or thereabouts. Amongst other dramas fermenting in the BB crock pot, Travis is getting all sorts of shit for his BLATANT faggotry, and as much as he doth protest, the jury has already returned a unanimous decision. No matter how hard he waves the rolling pin which he had wedged firmly up his lower colon in staunch defence of his utterly unconvincing heterosexuality, nobody is convinced. Blind, deaf, mute people around the country are all 'der, as if he ISN'T gay'. You know, if deaf mutes could speak, that is.

ANALYSIS: Look, the subject of Travis' sexuality is a moot point. Moot, I tell you. I can't picture a straight woman ever being interested in straddling that sickly frame, ever, not even on Opposite Day. Likewise, what gay man would put up with him anyway? Going out with someone who talks and sounds like an especially toxic woman (with unspecified vaginal trauma) kind of defeats the point of being interested in men, yeah? Can I get a holler from my queer compatriates?

PROTRACTED SIGH: Corey Delaney is set to enter the Big Brother house. Which begs the question: Would you say it's time to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside? Yes I would, Kent.

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE: Ben, is it possible that you could do or say anything that could make me love you less? You're arrogant. You clearly feel entitled. You think that because you were universally beloved within your school that this would translate into the Big Brother house. But fuck me if I don't really like you. PS, I think you're spot on about Dave. Ie. the "nice guy". Nice guy, my tit.

UPDATE: Okay, I think I'm over him.

Big Brother 2008

2008-04-29T11:38:00.003+10:00

Okay, first impressions. I think Kyle and Jackie O are going to do a good job with the co-hosting this year. Of course the most awkward people on the night were the ingoing housemates themselves, so I shan't complain about the hosts just yet. I still sort of miss Gretel, who has become like the poor deceased Aunt Gladys of Big Brother Australia. I wonder what she was doing last night? Getting slowly hammered and injecting botox probably. But that's just a regular Sunday night for Gretel.

The housemates were... a bit of a let-down. Wasn't it strange how they revealed like, five housemates over the last week but not the others? What was the point of that? Anyway. Terri I seem to have warmed to; nobody who cries lovingly over their ugly infant grandson is a bad person in my mind. The housemates I instantly dislike are Saxon, the big crazy doofus with the stupid tattoos (ie. "Roswell") who reminds me a bit of Crabbe/Goyle; Brigitte, the stupid peroxide blonde; Bianca, the bitch who thinks that being well-endowed in the chestal region makes her desirable; and bringing up the rear is Travis, who, DAMN. You know how sometimes you just feel like acting really immature, taking off your clothes and not giving a shit what others think about you? And how you manage to stop yourself, because doing that would make you a douche in the eyes of others? Well, Travis lacks that impulse control -- and no, it is not endearing whatsoever, so you can put that back in your word-hole. Shut up, Travis. You cocksucker.

The housemate I'm looking forward to hearing from in the Uncut/Big Mouth/Whatever show is Rory, the brickie with the dreads. He just looks like he has lots of filthy, depraved, possibly chauvinistic shit to talk about, which I may giggle heartily at. A bit of a tool, but whatever.

Ben is cute.

Rima's story about her condition had me a little confused. She says that she and her brother are the only little people in the world who don't actually have a condition, but are simply... little. As opposed to all the other little people. Her husband is HUGE, which, as I said in the previous comment thread, leaves open the door to a plethora of fellatio jokes.

Did anyone else notice that her pants were... not pants, but actually just random strips of fabric down her legs?

Oh yeah, and there were some other housemates as well, blah blah.

I wonder who will be the unlucky housemate to be kicked out in the tragic first eviction, and how will the housemates go about it? (Big Brother, you're so cruel, don't ever change. PS, your voice is different this year.)

BB, Loser, Neighbours.

2008-04-26T15:41:00.000+10:00

It's my birfday, yaaaay!

Big Brother: Something very weird happened the other day. After seeing the promo for the third housemate, Travis, I struggled to think of who his voice reminded me of. I finished work, went for a stroll down the Mall, made a beeline for the bookstores and the fancy men's stores that are overpriced and make me feel a bit inadequate. Then I saw a familiar woman wrangling her kids, and I heard her voice, and it hit me. Travis sounds exactly like the woman who taught my Economics class for three weeks in year twelve. And suddenly, in my microcosm of a world, there is a competitor for the world's most noxiously irritating voice. It'll probably be the case that he'll become beloved in the house in an ironic way (aw, Travis the jockey with the high voice!), but Travis is THAT offensive to my senses (sight and sound) that I'm not even going to give him the chance to be ironically likeable.

Oh, and he's a virgin. *Stifled laughter*.

The Biggest Loser: I always seem to get enthusiastic about Loser right at the very end. I just don't have the patience to follow the progress of each contestant or pretend to be excited about the million-and-one shock twists, and - I can't get around this point - without Bob and Gillian it just isn't the same.

Anyway, like clockwork I've gotten into this season, right at the end. My favourites this season are Alison and Sam. Alison I like because she's kind of pretty in the face, and I love the way she speaks. She strikes me as being really level-headed and universally likeable; she's soft and squidgy (both in appearance and personality) but she's also very strong and people respect her. I can't really describe it much better than that. I was just about in tears when Alison was reading aloud the letter her husband had sent to her. Awwww. Sam I like because he's not overly douche-ey like a lot of the other guys are. I think maybe it's because he's so young, but I've noticed that he hasn't really displayed that tedious alpha-male complex like so many other guys have in the past. That gets might-y boring.

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours: I watched Neighbours the other night, for the first time in several months. Actually, it's been years since I've watched it raptly week after week, but I do catch bits and pieces of it, and I know who most of the characters are. Mostly. But yeah, the Friday episode was so annoying. First, can we talk about Zeke? Zeke is such a tool. The actor who portrays said character is, if humanly possible, even tooly-er. When he delivers his lines you can just see him trying so, SO hard to get it right. When he's not speaking or doing anything, his reactions to the lines of others are always really over-acted and reminiscent of that bitch in your year eleven drama class who thought she was all that, only she wasn't.

But the thing that really sent me over the edge was Ringo and Bridget's (above) "relationship". Now, it's always been clear to me that Bridget is a lesbian. Nobody walks into a hairdresser's and asks for the Missy Higgins 'do without having a propensity for other ladies' 'gineys. And she's a bit of a dumbarse as well, in that vague way that I can't seem to articulate, but you know what I mean. I couldn't have been happier when Susan ran her over in her car. If I were the judge presiding over that case, I would have given Jackie Woodburne a medal, because in my mind, Jackie Woodburne and Susan are the same person. Actually, speaking of whom, I figured out that the voice over in the ads for some suicide hotline is none other than Jackie Woodburne, how's that for random trivia?!

Watching Friday's episode firmly cemented my belief that the writers clearly have no clue about their own characters. Ringo, I have decided, is such a latent poof. I'm not just saying that because I think he's hot and I subconsciously want his character to be gay because it'll bring me that one step further to having him on top of me, because I don't really think he's that hot anyway. He reminds me of Justin from Queer as Folk, that elfin-faced blonde faggot who I hate so much. I'd like to smash that kid. I mean, he just looks gay, which is often the best indicator, but he also wears heaps of tight singlets, is a gym junkie, is dating a lesbian [mutual covering-up of own homosexuality - Freud], and - to close the books entirely on this thorough-as-arse investigation - Ringo has an eating disorder. Mind you, if I ever had to go down on Bridget I would consider it an eating disorder, cue sitcom-esque laughter.

The big revelation to his friends and family about his eating disorder couldn't have been a more obvious allusion to his homosexuality, incidentally. It seemed like the kind of coming-out moment that only the Neighbours writers could manage to come up with, mixing the total obvious with a lame, cliched delivery. They even had a bit where all the shocked loved ones gathered around him to feign a supportive attitude. Why is this show so stupid?

Wow, it's a good thing I have a life and not writing lengthy screeds on Channel Ten's Friday night television line-up, yeah?

So You Think - SMS RHYS TO 191010 - You Can - SMS RHYS TO 191010 - Dance? Final Four? Yeah?

2008-04-23T20:57:00.004+10:00

Wow. That was a scare. I just popped my SYTYCD tape in and pressed play and an episode of Ramsays Kitchen Nightmares – the UK Version, at least – started up. Oh noes? After this many weeks of faithful recording and recapping, have I finally fucked it all up? Is this going to be my first full from-memory recap?

Er. No. Patience is apparently my friend, and ten minutes into the tape here are Jack! And Demi! Kate! And Rhys (in an outfit I would find appalling on anyone else … all fluro and purple tights and like the 80’s threw up on themselves)! And it’s top four night. The grand final! But not the grand finale …

Jason is excited, because he’s got a brown velvet version of Matt’s hat – to which Matt says ‘Meh’ because he’s a totally l337 haXXor who knows what all the kids are saying these days. Bonnie is back from her all-too short trip, and thankful of Vanessa and Graeme. Er, who? Oh, and apparently, she’s discovered the final four can all …. DANCE!* Please, producers, shoot her before the next season. No, forget that - shoot her now. I don’t have the patience for witticisms tonight. I just want Bonnie gone.

read the rest

So there are no packages tonight which I think is awesome, but apparently is generally upsetting, according to the many SYTYCD fora I waste my days on. So, because I’m lovely, I’m going to insert a package here. Those on Team No Packages can skip it. Those on Team Packages can just scroll back up before each dance and drop in the genre.

Girl picks random boy out of hat. Sqeals of false surprise. Boy then draws style out of hat. Most likely hip hop. More squeals. One partner: Oh, I’ve been hanging out to do ____ all season [Chesty: You danced it last week, dufus!]! Other partner: _____? What’s _____? [Chesty: You danced it last week, dufus! It’s your specialty!] This is so scary. Boy and Girl meet choreographer. Girl: I love Choreographer - (s)he’s so awesome and amazing. Choreographer: Ok, so today we’re doing _____, but we’re going to mix it up a bit, with some hip-hop! A kind of spicy, sexy, modern _____! Footage of rehearsal (including lifts). Boy: These lifts are so hard! I hope I don’t drop her! Girl: So we did this one lift, and he totally dropped me! This is so hard! Choreograher: They’re going to have to forget everything they know about _____ - this is going to be something Australia has never seen before. I’m a bit worried that Boy is going to drop Girl on her face. But I’m sure they’ll be fine. Girl laughs nervously: If I don’t end up with a broken neck, this is going to be fine! Cue audience cheer and back to Nat.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And first up are Jack and Demi, doing a Jason Gilkinson Cha Cha. It’s ok – very fun, so there’s lots of cheering and stuff, as well as an obligatory Finale Play To The Judges. I don’t really need to tell you that Jack outdances Demi, do I?

Matt says wow wow wow and that Demi can wear heels now. Look kids, I can wear heels too. They hurt and they suck and I hate them. But I can wear them. And sometimes I can look fabulous in them. Can I have $200,000 and a trip to the US now? Bonnie goes on about how Demi is Woman and can achieve anything**. Jason is all about the joy and then is all ‘now, time for notes’ before some pimping of Jack and Demi – who, er, eats it up with her face, because Jason is he constructive judge, yeah?

After the break – namely, meeting the charming Pauline Hanson fan that we’re going to vote out of the Big Brother house in two weeks, and that kinda fun Boost ad with the people in squirrel outfits which I like despite it being kinda lame, because I, too, want the funk (and nutty, nutty chocolate bars ...) – it’s time for Rhys and Kate.

This is a hip-hop routine by Supple, and it’s kind of … miss. Which is very hard for me to say, but unfortunately it’s one of those routines that is all about the unison, and the unison is just a little bit off. Not, mind you, as off as it was last week in Jack & Demi’s ‘This routine is all about the unison’ routine – which if you’ll remember, barely got mentioned by the judges, blinded as they were by their amazement that Demi was wearing shoes.

On the bright side, the costumes are cute – as has been established many times this season, Rhys does incredible things to tight black pants and knee-high boots.

Matt says he thought it was great but there were unsion issues in the second half, and other than that there were unison issues. Oookay. Bonnie said it was intricate. Jason compliments Supple and goes into yet another one of his ‘I’m a dance wanker and you, viewer of our here dance show, are a total n00b’ speeches about how we non-dancers at home have to understand that he knows everything and we know nothing and in a way what he’s saying is one of those backhanded compliments I never know how to take (maybe because I’m a non-dancer): That was harder than it looked, so be kind to the losers who fucked up the unison.

Hey, I love those losers. They’re my favourite losers on the show!

After the break it’s time for Demi and Rhys to do contemporary. Finally Rhys gets something in his own style. About time, stupid show. And of course he’s awesome – but because he’s not being pimped to win this, we miss most of the awesome due to the tragic ineptitude of the camera crews.

Matt says they’ve had a big week and Demi tried really hard. Aw. Still with the Demi tries hard. Matt says Rhys’s ‘jump to second’ was awesome, and we get a clip of it – which is nice because it got cut out of the actual performance in favour of a shot of Demi trying. Bonnie thinks that it’s amazing that Demi can dance in any sort of footwear. Or none at all, Rhys points out. She tries to be amused, but just … isn’t. Aw. Rhys made fun of Bonnie. Just another reason he HAS to win this.

Jason says Rhys has been waiting and good things come to those who waits, and that Demi owned it and has hot legs and a hot arse. Rhys jokes like the compliment is for him and it’s all very funny funny ha ha forced because of all the people involved in this little exchange only one actually has a personality.

No, guess which one!

Then it’s time for Jack and Kate to do jazz, which is really just contemporary in disguise. He’s a solider and she’s his lady with a peace-sign on a flag. I read somewhere before the show that this was the routine of the night, which might explain why I’m underwhelmed. It was good, but … in the words of Matt the hat-wearer, meh.

Matt the hat wearer says it was great and they had a great connection. Bonnie attempts yet another pun about the name of the song and the dancers and something and there’s a bit of polite clapping from the crowd because it’s just embarrassing, y’all – she’s so useless. Jason attempts his own season-long shtick: you know, the serious face as though he’s going to tell them it’s shit but then it turns out he thinks it’s fabulous and everyone cheers.

I never thought I would say this, but I’m so glad this season is nearly over. I'm becoming way too cynical and jaded. Also, I want to recap
The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious and I'm too busy to be doing both.

And then it’s time for Demi and Kate to dance – they do a Charlie Chaplain and Copper routine. I think it’s another Supple routine … but it’s not very good so who knows. That said, It’s kinda funny making the best female dancer do a routine with one of the weakest. Just in case anyone had any doubts …

Matt says that he would have liked to have seen them dance as girls, and I see what he means. It’s the GIRLS DANCE. And they’re dressed as boys. Stupid. Bonnie says that it’s amazing they’ve gone from tin soldiers to cha cha to barefoot to blah blah blah. Jason says the routine was cute but doesn’t give him anything to do at this stage of the competition – in that he can’t judge them against each other.

Which is dumb. Because, um, Kate cleaned the floor with Demi. And then dusted the furniture. And also because it’s final four, which means it’s no longer girls v girls and boys v boys, so really, he should have has been like ‘Demi, Jack is waaay better than you!’ and ‘Rhys, it’s like you were the only person on the stage your partner was so far behind!’ And also also, as someone else pointed out when we were discussing this the other day, it’s not about Australia’s best dancer, it’s about Australia’s favourite dancer, so Jason, shut up, yeah?

And then we have the real highlight of the evening. Jack and Rhys is a musical theatre number so camp that it, apparently, gave Jacob AIDS. It’s freaking awesome and I love them both. But mostly Rhys, because he does the best cheesy musical theatre face and because, well, he’s awesome.

Matt says it showed how strong they both were in that genre. I think that maybe, like me, Matt would have loved this routine even more if it had ended with a big old man-pash. Bonnie says the comraderie was awesome and they do a big cuddle for the camera and I get confused. Is this SYTYCD or the social pages of the Sydney Star Observer? So much awesome gay.

Jason loved the Cossack runs. We all loved the Cossack runs. He says Rhys is very safe on the core of his centre or something and that Jack has more flow in his hips and shoulders, so he came out (and a million teenage girls who had plans to become Mrs Jack begin to weep, silent devastated tears while the rest of us exclaim that we knew that) on top (Oh FFS, it’s family hour … must we go there?) – and I direct you all to that whole thing three paragraphs up.

Ie. Jason, shut up, yeah?

After the break, it’s time for the group routine. Which is Latino Hip-Hop (because there hasn’t been enough hip-hop tonight …). Um, no. Of course they’re not trying to make Demi look good by making this final group dance evah in her style. Or, if they are, they needn’t have bothered. She spends most of it three or four moves behind everyone else.

And after all that last-minute pimping of Jack and Demi, it’s time for us to vote. The bad news is that the voting lines are staying open until 8.10 next Sunday night. That’s 40 minutes of Grand finale which you all know is just going to be a big old Jack-fest and pretty much ensures that it’s going to be a long, long filler-filled night of mostly crud – given that it’s been revealed that there will be no Rhys/Jemma routines performed at all (I could shout conspiracy theory from the rooftops, but I’m sure it’s perfectly fair … surely Jack won’t be dancing with Demi at any point, either? Right? In the interests of fairness and all?) - with a result at about, oh, five past ten? If we’re lucky and we don’t have a Big Brother-style ‘voting meltdown’?

And we’ll all be glued to our screens the entire time, sad Reality TV addicts that we are …

Don’t forget: RHYS to 191010. As many times as you can afford.

Because I said so. Yeah?

*Except Demi. Let’s be honest here people.
** Except winning. Let’s be honest here.

Big Brother ensnares me with its neon claws, yet again.

2008-04-23T12:10:00.002+10:00

The first two housemates to be revealed have both annoyed me, for similar reasons.

Terri (you make me very merry...), who is the one with the curious affinity with Pauline Hanson, and who blames immigrants for a lot of Australia's problems, annoys me because her supposedly non-PC views are clearly just a regurgitation of what she thinks constitutes anti-establishment non-PC rhetoric. I'm not really that offended by her views at all, more by her shallowness and transparency. She seems like the kind of woman who would bitch and moan about immigrants (or gays or Jews or any minority group under the sun), but if she were in a room full of people who disagreed with her for long enough she'd cave in fairly quickly.

Second cab off the rank is:

Dixie, who I have christened Dixie Shits, (and no, it's not because she's brown, I'm not a racist!) annoys me because she's of the "I'm LOUD and OBNOXIOUS and INYERFACE" persuasion. Being slightly tubby and Aboriginal doesn't cover for the fact that her type of BB housemate has been seen again and again -- and again and again and again.

Same show, new housemates? I don't (necessarily) think so.

Don't Go Thinking ...

2008-04-22T18:25:00.003+10:00

I'm a hideous bundle of excitement about the fact that the first post-strike episode of Gossip Girl - The Blair Bitch Project (I know, even the episode titles are so amazingly wonderful) - aired just a few hours ago in the states, and come ... sometime tomorrow morning ... probably very early because I will to too excited to sleep ... I will be watching it and the world will be all flowers and sunshine and sweetness and light and yayness.

Or, more likely, bitchiness. Glorious bitchiness. With a side of cattiness and maybe some hair-pulling.

Of course, sometime tomorrow morning I *should* be writing the SYTYCD recap. So it may be a little late. But I promise it will be up by Thursday am. In the meantime, I hope you're all SMSing RHYS to 19 10 10, like good little Square Eyes. And don't let me hear any of this 'But I like Jack better' nonsense. It's not about who you like. It's about doing what's right for, well, me. K?

So You Think The Voting Public Will Finally Throw Us a Curveball? Top Six and Results

2008-04-15T22:41:00.002+10:00

The first search for Australia’s favourite dancer has been a rather even affair to this point. Sure, maybe no-one could have predicted that the top six would be Kate, Vanessa, Demi, Jack, Rhys and Graeme, but when you think about it, there haven’t really been any surprises.

Sure, Demi and Vanessa are both deeply, deeply flawed as dancers, but who would we have in their places? Courtney? Kassie? Stephanie? Laura? Camilla? Jemma? Rhiannon? You see my point? It’s a bit different with the boys – you could very easily substitute Hilton or Marko for Graeme and not come out with a weaker top six – but everyone knows the only real competition on this show is between a certain delightful funk/hip-hop dancer named Jack and the campiest, sweetest, loveliest Jazz dancer to have ever worn a brown hairy jumper, Rhys. Everyone else is just window dressing.

What this show has really needed, all along, is an upset. A Benji Mac v Matt Corby in the bottom two moment, if you will. Don’t get me wrong – I love that for the first time ever, after seven seasons of Big Brother and five of Australian Idol, I’m occasionally correctly predicting the vote. I love that for the most part, the vote has gone my way. But at the same time, I keep waiting for that upset. Expecting it.

Which probably explains the knot in my stomach as the top six dancers get introduced tonight. If there’s going to be an upset – and there’s always an upset – it’s now or never.

read the rest

Thankfully, Jason’s wearing another spew-covered shirt to snap me out of my thoughtfulness just in time for him to confess that the audience is peaking. Huh. I thought all that shrieking was a bit unnatural, but who’d have thought they’d be plying them with drugs? They’re just kids, goddamit!

First up tonight is Kate – clearly the best female dancer left – who relieves some of my butterflies by picking Rhys, then Rumba, then Jason Gilkinson as choreographer.

I’m not sure what to say besides it’s freaking awesome. I confess to being slightly distracted by the perfect roundness of Rhys’s butt in tight black pants, but that aside there’s lots of glorious lifts, lots of angsty, sexy posing and lots and lots of … just pretty. Aw.

Matt totally bought it. Jason – because tonight, for the first time all season, we’re mixing it up a bit with the judges comments; it makes no sense to me but whatever – is generally into it but, of course, has to find a criticism. It’s his job, so I’m ok with it … Bonnie said they danced. Right the way through. From beginning to end.

Um. Yeah. They did. Funny that.

After the break – and it grates less tonight, with only five routines, that there’s a break after everything – Demi and Jack are reunited for her fourth contemporary routine in a row.

I really want to say this show is rigged. But … I can’t. They LOVE Demi. If they were rigging it for her, she’s be getting the hip hops instead of Rhys.

Aaaanyway, in their package, the choreographer talks all about the unison and how much it matters in this routine, and Demi hurts her ankle, but is ok with it because this is what we do, as a dancer. We go through pain to get sympathy votes. Der.

And, you know, if it wasn’t for all the talk about unison in the package, the fact that they don’t find it once throughout the whole routine would not be nearly so annoying. Jack does well, and Demi … does ok, I suppose. But they’re just so shockingly off the entire time that I can’t help but think the whole thing is pretty average.

Bonnie says it’s clever but hard, because they had to be machines with emotions, and that Demi is a good dancer because she iced her hurt ankle. She also says the executed it brilliantly – which is a lie. Jason tells Demi he loves her a few times, which makes me think he’s going to nail them on the unison, but instead he talks about owenership and how Demi does so well in this genre which isn’t hers – which, remember last week when Henry did ok but not great in a genre that wasn’t his own, and Jason said that at this point in the competition being out of your genre wasn’t anything to write home about (unless you’re Graeme … in which case it’s a freaking miracle), is different, because they weren’t pimping Henry like they’re pimping Demi – and that Jack is the versatility king.

And not a word about the unison. Jason Coleman, you’re dead to me.

Matt says it was so strong but there was a little bit of a little bit of a unison issue, but puts it down to not enough rehearsal (because, you know, Jack and Demi had less time to rehearse than all the other couples who managed to get their unison down … say it with me, Square Eyes: Stupid Show!)

After the break and a reminder of the relatively lame prizes – Vanessa draws Graeme (duh!) and they get Broadway, which means Graeme is vaguely out of his genre but yet to do a partner hip-hop (unless you count that hideous non-hip-hop lyrical thing from Top 20 week) or Ballroom. Or … really anything that isn’t pretty much Jazzy.

It’s slapstick, which Vanessa thinks is a lip gloss –

OK. Fucking hell. Enough. I’m done. First these so-called dancers haven’t ever heard of any dance style besides their own. Then a so-called Jazz Specialist doesn’t know what Jazz is and thinks it’s all top hats and spirit fingers. And now a freaking grown woman has never heard of slapstick, and we’re supposed to find it cute?

Listen up: DUMB is not cute. Ignorance is not cute. And I’m going to bet that these people are not this dumb. No-one is this dumb. Or this ignorant. Why do reality TV producers insist on showing us, in a cutesy-poo way, how dumb these contestants are? It’s ridiculous, it’s annoying and I, for one, am sick of it.

- Aaaaanyway. Yeah. Slapstick (not Chapstick) with Graeme and Vanessa. It’s cute, I guess. What I saw of it in between fits of blind, ranting rage.

Jason thinks it needs more staccato – which apparently means short and sharp and to my surprise, none of the contestants giggle that they thought staccato was a flavour of ice-cream. Matt … um. Yeah. Said stuff. Bonnie decides she’s going to call Vanessa ‘Versatile Vanessa’ from now on, because obviously she didn’t actually watch her woeful attempts at hip-hop last week.

After the break we have a surprise. Which means more dancing! All girl dancing! And then all boy dancing!

Curiously (um, given Demi is a B-girl and Jack is a funk/hip-hop specialist – apparently) each gender gets a hip-hop routine. Even more curiously, the girls get the utter mediocrity of Nacho Pop, while the boys are choreographed by Supple. As if that’s fair.

So, the girls are first, and we open on a close-up of Vanessa lowering her sunglasses to give us sexy-face. Unfortunately, it seems that she’s been asked to give her sexy face right into a spotlight, so she just looks squinty.

As for the rest of it …… snooze. With a side of pointless and mostly very unsexy writhing to the soulful tunes of Tupac.

Matt says Vanessa didn’t do so well. Bonnie says it was awesome that the three girls danced together! Oh my god! I know. I thought it was incredible too … except, again, no. Not really. Jason disagrees and says that he didn’t see three girls dancing together at all. Oh, buuuuuurn, Bonnie. And Vanessa, who is the main person who wasn’t dancing right.

He’s still dead to me, but buuuuuuuurn.

And finally for tonight, it’s the boys turn. They’re all going to be animals. It’s super-duper cute. Rhys is a fish and Jack is a meerkat – I KNOW, perfect, right? – and Graeme is a … reptile?

In short, Supple is a god. Who, incidentally, is going to be fathering all my little dancing babies – by artificial insemination, of course. Ew. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Matt echoes my sentiments about supple. Bonnie has individual things she loved about each of them. Except she forgets Graeme. Poor Graeme. Jason thought it was brilliant, but is a bit annoyed that there were no unison bits that he could criticize Rhys and Graeme during.

And that’s the top six performance show. And it’s only 8.30.

Who’d a thunk?

Luckily, I tape these things so I can watch them right after each other, so … it’s results time. And my stomach is seriously twisted. I’ve voted three times: once for Kate, twice for Rhys, and I’m so nervous that MrL has to leave the room. It’s not even the finale, and this is just a freaking TV show, and yet I think I’m going to throw up.

Which is awesome, because tonight there’s going to be a lot of filler before we even start on the results. Great, more time for me to get panicky and prepared for the big upset.

Luckily, the group dance is pretty damn hot. I think Jason Gilkinson watched that whole Burlesque mess last week and decided we needed to see it done properly. It’s sexy, it’s saucy, it’s a whole bunch of other s-words, but more than anything it’s dramatic and big and brassy and bold. And just a little bit cheeky.

And in honour of all the sexy, Natalie Bassingthwaite has decided to wear a nightie.

Jason Gilkinson is, incidentally, being Bonnie tonight, because Bonnie has gone far far away (quick … let’s bitch about her!). This is a) awesome, because he’s – you know – articulate and intelligent and has probably heard of slapstick, b) useless, because it’s a Monday night where the judges don’t do anything and c) frustrating, because there are now two Jasons.

And therefore, Jason Coleman will henceforth be known as JC. No relation to Jesus, which I’m sure he’ll be disappointed to hear.

The other Jason will just be Jason.

Right, now that’s sorted, it’s time for a Very Special Performance by The Littlest Dancer In the World and A Huge Man In A Nudie Leotard. They’re from Cirque Du Soleil, so this is basically advertising (if I told you that Optus was heavily involved with both Cirque Du Soleil and SYTYCD … would you really be surprised?) but it’s still quite impressive to watch with lots of tumbling and unlikely balancing and stuff that is like what Anthony used to do but about fifteen times better. I must say though that the Huge Man’s leotard is slightly distracting. He’s reminding me of a demon of some sort, especially because he’s got these big white feet poking out from the bottom of the leotard and it’s all kind of absurd.

But still, nice tumbling.

And then it’s time for more filler! Tonight every single dancer will get to dance a solo. Joy of all joys! Kate is first and she goes down the angsty contemporary path. I love her but I find the angsty contemporary kind of lame as a solo.

Vanessa decides that originality is for suckers and does something from the Lion King. And you know what? I hate it. I'm sure it's not the popular opinion but I think it sucks. And she just looks stupid in a leopard skin leotard. It’s all just so awkward – although perhaps not as awkward as Demi’s bright yellow pyjama shorts. Or her solo.

How did those two get this far again? Oh, yeah: Courtney, Kassie, Stephanie, Laura, Camilla, Jemma and Rhiannon. If in doubt, consider the competition.

Then we need a break, because three 30-second solos is all that will fit in one segment. Stupid show. On the bright side, all these ad breaks make this a really quick show to watch with a fast forward button.

I actually quite enjoy Jack’s solo, even though he choses that music from the Bonds Kaleidoscope ads and he’s not nearly as pretty as all those girls in bright underpants. Graeme, on the other hand, does the same as Kate and goes for the angsty contemporary. He’s no Danny, but he dedicates it to his mum. Awww. Did no-one tell him the lines have closed already?

Rhys is last and as much as I love him with my whole big faghaggy heart – I’m glad he hasn’t had to do many of these kinds of solos in the competition. They’re kind of … weird. And not really awesomely so.

After all that, it’s time for …. More filler!! This time in the form of on Sean Kingston. Who? I hear you ask. It’s a valid question. One I can’t answer because - oops. My finger fell on the fast forward button.

And then it’s time for another break, of course, and then – finally, finally, finally – it’s time for some actual results. The girls are first and I’m so nervous I could puke. Or maybe that was just Sean Kingston.

There’s a lengthy process of going through each of the girls performances and comments and recaps and blah blah blah and then they announce the first safe girl is … wait for it … Kate!!!

And really, it’s a small victory for the underdog. A real one, not a manufactured, Demi-like fairy tale. Kate’s the girl who didn’t even make it on screen through the auditions or the top 100 week. Her first partner was completely untrained and half a foot shorter than her. Her second was more popular, but she dragged him into the bottom three and he got booted. We all thought she was filler. The producers treated her like filler. And yet, because she, you know, actually can dance, here she is. She’s in the grand final. She’s stoked. I’m stoked. Australia is stoked. Bonnie … maybe not so stoked, wherever she is, but that just makes it all the more awesome.

After yet another break, we repeat the same process for the boys and I’m totally expecting that damn upset but thankfully it’s not to be – yet – and we can all exhale for the first time all night as Rhys is the first boy through to the final four. I may or may not have squeed – you’ll never know.

So now Kate and Rhys are off squealing in the corner and I love them and I want them to make little dancing babies for me to adopt and raise as my own, because, really – Supple may be awesome by Rhys and Kate are much, much prettier. And sure, there’s a small risk that the babies end up without top lips … well, that’s what collagen is for. Obvs.

If it makes it easier, they can still do the artificial insemination thing.

Sorry, back to the show, and it’s time to find out who else made it through – and therefore, who’s going home. Surprising no-one in the LaRue household, Demi makes it into the finals and Vanessa gets to do the ‘stand of shame’ as everyone is hugging Demi. She does a good job of not looking disappointed, but you know she is. No big loss, I say – maybe she can go out now and learn what slapstick is.

And Demi, by default, really, when you consider Courtney, Kassie, Stephanie, Laura, Camilla, Jemma, Rhiannon and Vanessa, makes it into the final.

And now it’s time for judges comments and I’d tell you what they said but it was all so freaking pointless. Why waste a good judge like Jason Gilkinson on tonights show? Surely a blow-up doll would have done, given the judges have said exactly five words between them all night?

And then it’s the boys turn. Final chance for an upset – but it’s not to be and Jack makes it through. Just like we all knew he would weeks and weeks and weeks ago.

Graeme, on the other hand, is going home. He looks devastated, and so we cut straight to the package so they can drug him up so he doesn’t cry. Looking back at his experience – I refuse to use the J word – I’m thinking shaving off the bad teenage mustache was the best thing Graeme ever did.

When we cut back, Graeme is still holding back tears, and the judges are still talking crap. JC tells us that he doesn’t know what the votes were, but he’s sure they were very close, which is probably the most ridiculous thing he has ever said. I can tell you how close it was. This close:

*stretches arms out* Jack and Rhys v Graeme? Are you for reals?

Graeme then gives us the longest departure speech yet, which starts with the thanking of God for giving him gifts and putting him here … because as any theologist will tell you – if there is a God, he spends his days creating actors and singers and dancers and putting them on earth so they can go on reality TV shows. Of course.

And that’s pretty much it. No surprises. No shocks. No Benji Mac moments. A top four that anyone could have predicted a month ago, and the same old two-horse race for the grand prize. All that stands between us and the result is one more night of dancing (and one more night of filler … and maybe some dancing) – our SYTYCD experience is nearly over. Are you sad? I'm sad. I'm going to miss this gig.

No don’t forget kids, when the voting lines open at the end of next weeks show, it’s RHYS to 191010. As many times as you can afford. And then a few. God put you on this earth and made you read this recap so you, too, could vote for Rhys.

It’s density. Just don’t forget.

See you next week!

Squarely arsed readers...

2008-04-13T18:05:00.004+10:00

... how good are the promos for Big Brother? I can't get that "I Don't Think So" song out of my head -- not that I'd want to, since it always gives me a little frisson of excitement over the upcoming series. My god. What's happening to me? I'm actually excited about the start of Big Brother for the first time since, like, 2004. The particular ad featuring John Howard giving a radio interview, saying 'get this stupid program off the air' hits exactly the note that the BB producers should be aiming for. I'm naturally sceptical of the planned panel show element of the 2008 series, as it had proved horrendously bad television in the past, but with the promise of an Uncut revival I'm happy to go along with it. Well done, Ten. For once I'm optimistic about your programming schedule.

Continuing my unseemly positive tone, I just would like to say that Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares makes for pretty good viewing. I normally despise cooking shows, which is what I thought this show essentially is, but I found that it was more in the vein of Trinny and Susannah than Jamie Oliver. Except, obviously, for poorly managed restaurants instead of fashion.

Last Thursday's episode featured some former theatre actor who decided to pour all his life savings into a posh restaurant specialising in seafood, situated just several hundred feet from the shore at Brighton. It should be added here that the restaurateur hadn't actually tasted seafood in thirty years, and that the produce his chefs were cooking wasn't actually taken from anywhere near the coast at Brighton. In comes Gordon Ramsay like a tornado of fucks and shits and other delightful words, giving him and his lazy staff a right bollocking. Of the two chefs, an Australian and a Frenchman, neither is sure which is meant to be the Head Chef. Nor do either of them have much of a clue how to cook, and at one point we have Gordon Ramsay throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of crayfish because it had been cooked all wrong.

The attitudes of the staff are pretty funny. They take advantage of the poor restaurant manager, who doesn't seem to realise that everything about his venture is sloppy and pretentious. Like, for example, the decor, which features pieces from a little known local artist. The main centrepiece is a splotchy piece of crap that probably wouldn't have gone up on the fridge if I had brought it home from kindy back in the day, complete with a pair of women's knickers encrusted into the paint. Women's knickers. Encrusted into the paint. You really do feel for the guy, though, in spite of the horrendous decor. Gordon takes him aside to discuss how much money he's losing from the restaurant, and in the torrent of tears that follows I couldn't help but get a bit weepy myself.

Anyway, I shan't be going into it more than that, but I was gently surprised by the show. Shamefully, the only thing I'd heard about it was from this post by Chesty. Oh, and the kerfuffle that arose when some Liberal arsehat wanted it banned because of Gordon's swearing, as if makes any sense at all to watch an entire television show despite not liking it very much and then proceed to use it as political leverage. Um, get a life, pls kthxbai.

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares airs on Channel Nine at 8.30pm on Thursday nights.

Robin Hood

2008-04-09T19:06:00.002+10:00

So “inspired” by my mother in law, which is another way of saying,

“Abandoned by my mother in law who raced to the television like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory had come true and you really could pick up a block of chocolate from the screen”

And in the absence of anything else interesting to do, I decided to watch Robin Hood. Honestly, the teeve options aren’t exactly setting my world on fire on a Sunday night and there isn’t even any learning to be done anymore. Plus my MiL’s house only has one television so it wasn’t like I could sneak off and watch So You Think You Can Dance, even if I wanted to.

Anyway, so back to Robin Hood. Being an argumentative sort, I started a stupid argument with my MiL’s partner over whether or not they would end the story with historical accuracy (namely that Robin Hood bleeds to death after being betrayed by a nun). Of course MilP thinks that Robin Hood and Maid Marian run off and have ten children while tra-la-la-ing around the forest and making floral tiaras in their spare time. Yeah sure, and Prince John is a Mountain Lion, and best friends with a snake.

One of the things that bothers me about it is the "futuristic medieval" genre. My sister and I have had a running stoush with one of her friends about the term "futuristic medieval", which was applied in the original melee to the Star Wars movies. Of course, it isn't possible for Star Wars to be "futuristic medieval", as medieval necessarily applies to the middle ages, where Star Wars is ancient history. Robin Hood, on the other hand, is set in medieval times and is frankly borrowing heavily from the 21st century cultural experience, leading it to be a more accurate incarnation of the term, "futuristic medieval". Of course, if I use that term ever again I'm going to have to blind myself with a laser pointer. Or, you know, an arrow. Whatevs.

So I’ve watched three episodes now, which I think is enough to have formed an opinion. Although it’s possible I did miss large chunks of it when I watched it in the privacy of my own home, busy as I was sputtering about the “Merry Men as Melting Pot” motif and making myself cups of tea.

Things I like about it:

1. Occasional piece of fashion excellence in Maid Marian’s wardrobe
2. Web site includes listing of each character’s weaponry. I would not be surprised to learn that they had some kind of WoW dude design it*
3. Allan-a-dale and Will Scarlett. Actually, to be totally honest I can’t figure out if I like them so much as tolerate them
4. It’s not often you see blokes with (literal) feathers in their hats on television these days

Things I despise about it:

1. Robin’s hair (facial and otherwise)**
2. Sheriff is not “so evil he’s funny – he’s hilarious, he’s so great, can you ever imagine seeing him in anything else I wouldn’t be able to take him seriously I’d always think he’s the sheriff tee hee hee”
3. Cutaways between scenes remind me a little bit too much of ‘It’s a Knockout’
4. Robin’s inability to pick up his clothes (is it necessary to discard a cape in the street in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)
5. Can’t hear soundtrack without wishing I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean (but only the first one)
6. Breaks in action at completely inexplicable times: if you’re searching the forest for the Sheriff of Nottingham, without whom the town of Nottingham will be razed to the ground, you’d take the time to ruminate on your impending (but oh-so-secret) nuptials with your chums?
7. ‘Dude, WTF’ moments so frequent as to induce whiplash
8. 21st century social/cultural updates simultaneously necessary/nauseating

No doubt other people like this show*** (although it’s distinctly possible none of them read this blog). I can suspend my disbelief. But I just don’t care enough about any of these characters to bother.

Robin Hood screens on what we now know as ABC 1, at 7:30pm on Sundays

* I am now pretty much guaranteed to bear the wrath not only of Robin Hood fans, but also WoW fans.

** Keep yourselves nice, you know what I mean.

*** Actonb's girls, for example.

So You Think You Can Pick The Top Six? Top Eight Night And Results

2008-04-08T10:09:00.004+10:00

It’s top eight night – which means the end is getting closer and closer to the end and closer and closer to a new season of Big Brother. Sigh.

Nat is doing a Single White Female thing on Delta Goodrem this week, with long blonde hair and a vaguely Virgin Mary dress. Natalie, Natalie, Natalie … Brian McFadden is not that hot.

So the judges have some comments to start us off with, but most of them really aren’t very interesting. Jason points out that the winner of this competition will be wearing Green and Gold and representing Australia and so we should all vote for the most truly top Aussie Bloke or Sheila out there and do our country proud. Except that dancing is so Unaustralian I don’t think we have any Blokes or Sheilas left.

And then we’re into it.

read the rest

This week the boys are picking girls, and Rhys is first up and he gets Vanessa. Sigh. Sure, it will be pretty, but unless they get ‘Ballet’, it’s just going to suck. And what do you know, they don’t. They get hip-hop and broadway.

Hip-hop is first and thankfully it’s another Supple routine. Old school this time. In their package Supple is trying to get Vanessa to lose her manners. As the routine starts it’s pretty clear that he failed miserably. Can someone tell this girl that cheesy smile face has no place in the world of hip-hop?

This is Rhys’s third (fourth if you count the self-choreographed thingamy) hip-hop routine in this competition, so he’s got that whole Eminem skinny-white-boy thing down pat. It’s not his best work, I’ll admit, but it’s far from the worst routine of the night.

Matt is talking really really really fast about old school hip hip and isolations, but overall he liked it. Bonnie – god, do I have to tell you what Bonnie said? It’s so … pointless and lame. She’s very nice, but … pointless and lame. Jason is all about the unison and the beat and kicking the beat. He points out that Vanessa has done awesome considering this isn’t her genre, but that now that we’re up to top eight, there will be no more of this ‘good considering it’s not your genre’ and so it actually wasn’t that good. But that Rhys was tops.

After the break, and tonight there will be a break after every routine, just to ease us into the commercial break hell that will be tomorrow nights verdict show – it’s Jacks turn to dance with Kate, which means he’ll either be awesome or get sent home. They get Quickstep – tonight’s token ballroom effort – and hip-hop.

Their quickstep is to the Buble version of the Spiderman theme. I don’t know how quicksteppy it is but they look awesome and it’s lots of fun and kicking and I do kind of love it lots and lots, even though I can’t get ‘Spiderpig’ out of my head for the entire routine.

Predictably, the judges love it, and love how it brought quickstep into the modern day. Jaosn goes as far as to say he ached for it, which … brings all sorts of wrong images into my mind involving Jason and Jack and Kate and Dr Cox loving this moment so much he wants to have sex with it. Yah – best not go there. He takes yet another dig at Jemma by pointing out where the splits belong on stage – dude! She’s gone. Quit kicking over the gravestone, k?

Incidentally, I can’t wait until Elton joins the cast of Law & Order. I mean, it’s Elton! And sure, he was a bit of a sleaze to Cher, but – awesome!!! Although sad that there’s one more member of the Clueless cast making somethings of themselves while poor Alicia Silverstone … does nothing.

See … more ads. So many ads. And in every break, we get that weird backwards Flake ad which annoys the crap out of me. Can someone explain that ad to me? Please?

Right – back to the show. Henry picks Demi out of the hat and they’re doing House and Contemporary.

Mmmm … House.

Erm. Not that one, obviously. Unfortuately, too, because Hugh Laurie is about fifteen billion times hotter than this routine. Demi tries to smile her way through it, but Henry just … sucks. Though at least he’s covered up all his manflesh, so … small mercies.

Matt thought the unison was out. I counted five yeahs, so it must have really. Sucked. Bonnie thought that Demi made a mistake, which she admits, and then goes on and on about how if you make a mistake, you have to get over it which I thought she did - unlike some people when they make mistakes *cough* Rhiannon and JD *cough*, but it’s ok when Rhiannon stuffs up, innit Bonnie?

Jason is all about encouraging Demi not to let being the only untrained dancer left get to her – and is interrupted by Bonnie, who finds it necessary, for some reason, to angrily yell the words to ‘I am woman’ at everyone, but replacing ‘woman’ with ‘Demi’ and punctuating it with a lot of finger pointing. Jason looks at her like she’s the fruitcake she is and tries to pretend that moment of oddness never happened by bagging Henry, which is awesome. In a rare moment of consistency, Henry also gets the ‘it’s not your genre, but that’s no longer an excuse’.

Next up, Graeme gets Rhiannon … not for the first time, if you believe the rumours … and they get Burlesque and Jazz. Because it’s Graeme, and he cannot help but draw the one card out of the hat that doesn’t have ‘hip-hop’ and/or a ballroom style on it.

The burlesque routine is centered around a whip. It’s basically Jazz, but Rhiannon gets to wear a wig and tights with seams up the back. It’s not very hot. In fact, here is a list of sexier routines on this show so far: ALL OF THEM. Except maybe the ones involving Anthony, and in particular, that horrible ‘dance of forbidden love’ he made us sit through with Camilla the aptly chosen Metamucil spokeswoman.

Matt thinks they were too young to d that routine because they’ve never had the raunchy seks. Bonnie agrees. Jason starts talking and Rhiannons head falls forward as though her drugs just kicked in. I’m worries she’s going to be drooling any second. She still manages a smile when Jason tells her that he started feeling her halfway through. Again … ew. Jason needs a shag because I cannot take much more of his sexually-charged commentary.

After the break, we get the obligatory plug for the SYTYCD soundtrack. And for the finale, which I’m looking forward to and dreading all at the same time.

As far as dancing goes, Jack and Kate are next and they get Supple for their hip-hop, which means Kate and Rhys both got Supple twice, but Kate definitely got the better deal, because this routine freaking awesome. You know how I said that this show should be ‘So You Think You Can Dance Kelly Abbey Choreography?’? Well, I’m changing that to ‘So You Think You Can Dance Supple And Kelly Abbey Choereography?’

The judges are all ‘couple of the night’ and raving and ranting about the freaking awesomeness of the whole thing. Except Bonnie, who is just blathering some shit about listening to the radio. And look, I know they’re pimping Jack. I know that the they’re ignoring a couple of little unison issues. I know all that, but I still have to agree that for sheer entertainment, these guys have killed everyone else tonight.

Yes, even Rhys. Damn Vanessa. And Damn Supple. Why didn’t he give Rhys that piece of awesome instead of the better-than-Nacho-Pop-but-not-awesome thing he got?

Aaanyway, enough with the bitter. Henry and Demi have to do their contemporary next. It’s Kelly Ackers, so the judges will love the choreography but I will think it’s awesome. And … one guess as to the subject?

Yup. Twu Wuv. Or, Young Twu Wuv tonight. It’s vaguely cute, but mostly pretty boring and technically nowhere near top eight standard. Remember that lame twu wuv routine Anthony and Laura did in Top 20 week? No? Not surprising. But anyway, this is the companion piece. It’s chemistry free, technique free and way too twee.

Matt thought it was like dancing through puppies. Poor puppies. I hope they were biting them on the ankles. Bonnie sees blue sky and sunshine, which I think is the drugs, not the routine, but is about as relevant as anything she’s ever said. Jason said they matched in their lack of technique, and all the other dancers would have been better, but they both sucked equally, so it worked. Um… that’s good I suppose.

ATB (that’s shorthand), it’s Vanessa and Rhys doing Broadway. Vanessa is supposed to be a really tough Puerto Rican chicky torturing Rhys, which fills me with fear, because …. Vanessa is so not tough, or a chicky, even.

The music is weird and the whole thing just falls a bit flat, despite Rhys’s best effort. It’s well danced, but Vanessa is just … too …. Not. Sigh. Let’s hope Rhys gets someone good next week.

The judges basically agree with me. Bonnie calls Rhys ‘hot baby hot’ and talks about a Rhys inferno. Right. That’s it. Bonnie – SHUT UP!!!

Last but not least, we have Graeme and Rhiannon doing a Jazz routine with a Mr and Mrs Smith vibe, to a Madonna song. It’s going to be really tough, the package tells me – because at one point Graeme drops a glass from the top of the stairs and Rhiannon has to catch it. Wow. Tough. Most people are dealing with dangerous lifts, but, you know, that doesn’t compare to having to catch a glass.

Their performance is, somewhat ironically, hotter than their burlesque. But not by much. Graeme spends a lot of their non-dancing time chewing on Rhiannon’s head, which is way too teenage-boy horny for prime time. This show is so icky tonight. Teenagers being sexy. Jason being horny. I’m worried for ActonB and her daughters!

The judges like it. Bonnie thinks Rhiannon is still trouble. Ha! We’ll see Bonnie … we’ll see. I know who gets sent home …

And that’s it. Eight performances are a lot easier to recap than fifteen, so I’m feeling good. Especially when Jason reminds the twelve-year-old girls out there not to vote for the hottie, but for the favourite dancer. So, I’m guessing he wants Henry gone too, yeah?

Bonnie closes with ‘each show is different, and tonight is no different!’ and I really don’t think there are enough drugs in the world to make that sentence sound even remotely sensible. But, you know, what more can you expect?

And now … the results show. No waiting. Just like when we saw the US version. And I remember that I forgot to vote.

Not, er, that I do. Um. But in theory, if I did, it’s too late.

The group dance tonight is – not surprisingly, - hip-hop (I think …). But not Nacho pop hip-hop. Not Supple hip-hop either, but ok. Light and cheerful and cheeky and not purely hip-hop. And then not hip-hip at all. So what do I know what I’m talking about?

For the results show, Natalie has kicked the Delta habit, and we are all grateful. Jason tries to hurry the show along, but Natalie is not having it. Instead we have to listen to Bonnie talk about how the dancers are going to end up dancing with Celine Dion (which, I believe, actually was part of the prize for the US version, but come on! How much would hearing that make you want to run and hide if you were listening backstage!) and Matt talking about Mondays being sucky. Blergh.

And then we’re into it. It’s the girls first as usual and it’s Kate v Rhiannon. And these recaps go on for so long I’m checking my work email while I’m watching and still getting everything I need. Nat confirms that one of them is safe, and one is in the bottom four, but admits that we should all know that by now, so yay for self-awareness.

Not surprisingly, Kate is safe and Rhiannon is not. Surprisingly, if the rumours are to be believed, Graeme looks delighted by the result.

And then it’s time for an ad break, before we find out whether Demi or Vanessa will be joining her. Again, not surprisingly, Demi is safe and Vanessa is in the bottom two. Natalie goes straight to the judges for them to have a little bit of a rave about the shit dancers and pretend their opinions still matter. Matt is brave enough to say they got it right.

And then another ad break! What was that segment? Three minutes?

ATB, it’s the guys. Rhys is a sailor tonight. A sailor with an eye infection making him weap bright fluro yellow stuff. Poor boy. I’d hug him, but I don’t want to catch that.

It’s Henry v Jack first, so you just know Henry is in the bottom two, because Jack sure as hell isn’t.

Tellingly, Jack hugs Rhys first. Because last week the edit was all ‘Rhys hates Jack!’ but this week the edit is all ‘Rhys loves Jack!’ because no-one in editing really know what they’re going for with this. See, they thought that if Rhys hated Jack, maybe the public would start to hate Rhys, but that obviously didn’t happen, because we all love Rhys, and if Rhys hates Jack we’re all thinking that there must be a good reason and starting to hate Jack. So, now Rhys loves Jack, because if Rhys loves Jack, we’re all going to love Jack too. And Rhys, but they’ve accepted that nothing is going to change that.

Sooo … I’m rambling because there’s another commercial break to sit through now. This is getting ridiculous. Idol ridiculous.

After the break, it’s Rhys versus Graeme, and I have to confess I’m just a bit worried, because what if everyone just forgot to vote? Like when we all forgot to vote for Ben McKenzie? Or Ricki-Lee?

Oh, that’s right. We didn’t forget to vote for Ricki-Lee.

They both look amazingly nervous, but Rhys can’t even be happy when he gets safed because of poor Graeme. Although he regains his mojo and cartwheels off stage … to hug Jack. Yay for Rhys and Jack love. Can they dance together in the finale? Please?

The judges do a bit more pointless, irrelevant commentary, basically agreeing with Australia, with lots of shots of the Top Four – and you just KNOW they will be – hanging off the side of the stage looking sad or serious or something. Anything but gloaty, the memo said.

I fast forward the musical guest and the crappy interview afterwards. And the ad break the follows. So. Many. Ad. Breaks.

The useless solos follow. And look! Rhiannon is doing the dance from ‘If’ by Janet Jackson, just like my friends and I used to do when we were fifteen! I suppose most of the audience for this show won’t pick that routine as being straight out of the video. Or care, I suppose, given they let Demi get away with ‘Choreographing’ the dance Beyonce does to ‘Crazy In Love’ and didn’t call her out on that.

Henry brings out the hips for one last showing, and I might miss them, if it weren’t for the accompanying facial expressions which kind of make me cringe. Nat tries to be all friendly and chatty, but he basically shoots her dead with talk of fusion and wankery.

Obviously he hits the bitch button because poor Vanessa because when poor Vanessa sweetly tells her that she loves dancing after her solo, she responds with ‘we can tell you love dancing. Can’t you tell she loves dancing everybody?’ in the most snarky tone imaginable. It’s like Gretel Killeen broke into her body for a minute there. Vanessa slinks off stage, suitably humbled and humiliated, while Nat tries to regain the façade that she doesn’t think these people are all total morons.

Sadly, they’re not doing much to dispel the illusion, with Graeme choosing Michael Jackson to dance to and then following it up by singing that he’s ‘cool, calm and collected, bay-bah!’ when Nat tries to talk to him.

It’s time for another ad break, so Natalie can go punch someone out the back and regain that composure she’s so famous for.

And then it’s time to kick some people off the show. Starting with Rhiannon. And it’s about bloody time. I guess Australia didn’t want to be represented by someone from Minto.

Rhiannon is suitably devastated, which is probably why she says she wants to be a triple threat, bigger than Michael. Bigger than Janet. Of course. She’s hoping for a record deal out of this … because apparently now they give record deals to people from all sorts of random reality TV shows, even if they’ve demonstrated no ability to sing or play an instrument or anything. Except, um, not.

And you know, Nat laughing at her right now might be a bit mean, but, really – I’d be laughing too. She’s only human.

Jason says he’ll hire her. Bonnie says something about a secret and I’m just not listening any more. Matt says he’ll hire her too. Well, good then. Nat tells Michael and Janet to watch out because … yeah. Rhiannon’s going to be in Matt’s next Ricki-Lee video, donthca know?

So, enough of that.

It’s time to send Henry home. I’d tell you what Henry says in his exit interview, but to be honest, his freaking Justin Timberlake hat covers his eyes and it strikes me as so disrespectful and rude that I just can’t bring myself to give a shit.

Oi. Dufus. If you want people to listen to you, take your freaking hat off and look them in the eye, k?

Jason has a lovely stab at Bonnie by pointing out that Hurricane Henry seems to have died down. Bonnie disagrees. He’ll always be HER Hurricane Henry. And I hate to be all ‘shameful joy’, but I can’t help but feel a little bit of delight in Bonnie’s babies being sent home.

And on that nasty note, that’s the show, and the recap. There are only six left, and after next week, there will be only four. And you know what that means, don’t you?

Yep. Big Brother is just three short weeks away.

So You Think I'll Snap And Make a Passive Aggressive Remark About The Lack Of Comments? Top Ten Show and Results!

2008-04-03T20:28:00.003+11:00

So, this is it – top ten!!! New partners!! The power is in our hands!! Blah blah blah. And since everyone is doing a couple dance AND a solo, it’s going to be a loooooooooong night. Buckle up, three readers who never comment, this is going to be wild.

I never really know what to say about Natalie. Tonight she’s wearing some white fringed thing and calling Bonnie ‘Miss Bonnie Bling Bling Bling’ again, which makes me angry. Bonnie quotes the Black Eyes Peas ‘let’s get it on’ – which, dammit, I thought was one of those old soul guys, but what do I know? I’m just a girl.

read the rest

First up we have Jack and …. Vanessa!! Doing …. Contemporary!! There’s a lot of faux enthusiasm for the new partnerships and new styles, which aren’t really new. In their package, Vanessa says she’s not very technical. Whatevs.

The routine is your pretty typical twu wuv contemporary thing. What is with contemporary and twu wuv? Jack sells it though, and Vanessa is as ‘in her genre’ as she’s likely to get in the competition. Matt loved it. Bonnie thought it was wonderful. Jason calls Vanessa out for her ‘not a technical dancer’ comment, saying she is a technical dancer and she knows it before – oddly – criticizing her technique.

After the break, it’s Kate and Rhys! Which gives me tingles because they’re both awesome. There’s some lovely bits with Rhys hugging Jemma goodbye and being all ‘who’s going to tidy up your messy eyeliner?’ and awwww … so cuteness. I love Rhys. And I love Rhys and Kate, who are doing Hip Hop with Supple! Supple was in Mx last week and apparently he’s tops.

Whether he is or not, the routine is certainly better than the usual brand of Nacho Pop hip-hop we’ve been dealt so far. Rhys looks gorgeous in a loose suit and trainer combination, and Kate is hot, and they are hot and so very good and there are all these really intricate hand movements and they totally kill it with the awesome.

Nat calls it very cool. Matt says it was hot, which is fast becoming his catch-all. Bonnie says they were a good match and they’re great but Kate has Jazz face, which Jason disagrees with, because it was a Jazzy routine, so Jazz face was great. Bonnie is all ‘how dare you disagree with me boyfriend, talk to the hand!’ I wish Jason has given her an L for Loser, but he’s not five, so he just raves about the routine a bit and yay! Loved it! Yay!

And then the big surprise but not. Everyone is doing a solo! And they get to pick their own song but it has to be from a movie. At least they get help from a choreographer this time … so they might not all suck completely.

Henry is our first Solo-ist and he’s dancing to the score from 300. He’s shirtless (of course) but all painted up and wearing a big fuck-off cape which is cool but, um, keeps getting in the way of his legs so I can’t actually tell you if the dancing was any good because I couldn’t see most of it for all the cape fluttering. What I did see: meh.

Nat loves his abs. Matt liked it. Bonnie calls him ‘Hurricane Henry’ and I’m like ‘dude! We don’t get hurricanes. We get cyclones!’ Jason says he danced through the music and not to the music and says yeah a lot, which enrages Bonnie and she’s butting in left right and centre with her disagreement, but of course reassuring us that they’re great friends of-stage which I so don’t buy because why on earth would Jason want to hang out with Bonnie? Or Matt for that matter?

Matt for that matter. Try typing that three times fast.

Rhiannon’s solo is next, and she does her usual hip-hoppy thing with lots of little jogs around the stage (that or her trainers are super super bouncy). At least she pulled her pants up, I suppose.

Matt says a bunch of stuff including the word ‘yeah’ a lot, because he wants to be friends with Jason off stage too and he heard somewhere that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Bonnie asks her to smile. Blergh.

Jason says she was hot, and makes some vaguely intelligent comment about musicality again.

Anthony is next with the solo. Boooooooring. Booooooooooring. Booooooooring. He picks that ‘blowers daughter’ song that all the cool kids on reality TV are using these days, but uses the most boring bit of the whole song and stops just when it gets to anything remotely climax-like.

Matt doesn’t know if he likes it because it’s dancey, or doesn’t because it’s not tricksy. Bonnie says something. Jason wanted more light and shade. Drink!

To vote for Anthony … No. Don’t vote for Anthony. If I find out any of you have been voting for Anthony, I will be coming after you.

After the break we have Jemma, who jives to ‘Shake your Tailfeather’ and I so want her to be good but in the end it just reminds me of a bad high-school cheerleading audition and I’m so saddened because I can’t in any sort of good conscience send her a vote now. Also, she’s wearing Courtney’s solo outfit from Top 20 night, and this both offends and annoys me, because it’s fug.

Matt says it was lackluster, but it’s hard for her without a partner. Bonnie is ‘very disappointed’ and Jason loves her but basically says that she sucked.

Awww. She’s nearly crying and I want Rhys to run out and give her a big old hug and fix her eye make-up.

Demi’s new partner is Graeme, and he does the usual bonehead thing of picking the top genre card from the pile and draws contemporary, which makes him sad (and also Rhys and Jemma, apparently) because it’s his third contemporary routine and Australia is going to think he’s not very versatile.

Huh. And here I thought they were being nice to him with every single routine so far being in his genre. Maybe next time he’ll grow a pair and go for the card at the bottom of the pile. Fight fate, my lovelies! Fight fate!

Tonight Demi and Graeme have to do the gratuitous plug for the music downloading service using the shiny laptop from the shows sponsor (that, incidentally, I want. In red. But I feel dirty for wanting. Because of the pimping on the show. But how hot is it?) Note to the producers: It doesn’t work if the people doing the plug sound deliberately annoyed about doing it.

They’re doing a critters routine by Sarah Boulter. It’s very cute and hard not to like, despite the usual unison issues and Demi actually not killing it in nearly the same fashion as Graeme does.

After they’re done they crawl over to Natalie and she’s all freaking out. Cute! Or … not really.

Matt enjoyed it. Bonnie thought it was wow wow wow – as constructive as ever – and then she goes on about how hard it must have been … for Demi. Poor Graeme. Jason loved it, but again says that it must have been so hard …. For Demi. And then adds ‘Graeme, I can’t forget you here, because you danced that so well together’. So, in other words, ‘Graeme, I’m mentioning your name here because someone should, but I’ve not actually got anything to say to you.’

And I feel the rage boiling here because Graeme so outdanced Demi in that routine and I don’t care if it was in his genre, someone should still say it, like they do every other time someone in their genre outdances their partner.

Ok. Calm. Breathe. Breathe. Calm.

Vanessa. Solo. Very pretty but I can’t get up the caring.

Matt loved the light and shade, yeah? Bonnie says something about a genie. Jason is obviously pissed at the theft of the yeah and gets ¾ of the way through his critique (something about emotion and feeling and whatevs.) without letting one out, and then stumbles for a final yeah-count of two. Eh. It’s progress.

After the break, Nat plugs the new SYTYCD soundtrack, which … features the Rogue Traders, and her ‘Oh, get this … the Rouge Traders! I love them!’ would have been perfectly cute and acceptably glib if not for the fact that I was sitting here wondering how they got on the soundtrack despite not being used on the show ever.

Jack’s next doing a Mission-Impossible solo. And no, not a solo to the music from Mission Impossible, but a solo as though he’s in the movie. It’s pretty cute, but I don’t need no reminding of Tom Cruise during my favourite Reality TV show of 2008 so far.

Matt loved it but thought it might have been too literal. Bonnie loved it, and says he’s on a mission, but a possible one. Jason does a fake-out and is all serious like it was shit, but then says it was so entertaining and stopped the show and doesn’t say yeah once he’s so excited.

Hmmm … perhaps the yeah is bad? Perhaps the dancers should be sitting around backstage comparing yeah-counts. It’s a theory.

Kate does a solo to some song from the Bodyguard that at first sounds like ‘Gangsta’ by Bell Biv Devoe, which would be awesome, but is actually ‘Queen of the Night’ by Whitney Houston. Blergh.

It’s pretty good but I can’t get excited about it. Matt says she pwned it. Or owned it. Or whatever. Bonnie didn’t think she was the queen of the night, and it was mediocre and then she does a thing at the audience where she’s like ‘and you can’t boo me because that’s what I think’ – which is a) rude, because they can boo you because that’s what THEY think b) unnecessary, because no-one was really booing yet and c) so smug I want to punch her and d) annoying, because she does it instead of justifying WHY that’s what she thinks, which might actually be constructive. I hate Bonnie.

Jason loved bits of it and didn’t love other bits, but only gave her one yeah, so there goes my theory.

And how appropriate that they gave Camilla a Metamucil ad *insert ‘she certainly gives me the shits’ joke here*

Rhys is next, doing a routine to Born Slippy from Trainspotting and it’s very intense and full-on and fairly confronting for a family timeslot – very thematically Trainspotting – and I love it. I don’t love the hairy beige see-through jumper he’s wearing, but he’s Rhys, and I have to forgive him the fashion because it’s all part of the rich tapestry and he owns it.

Matt didn’t like it. Didn’t like the music. It icked him – and I’m thinking that was part of the point, so Matt is stupid. And maybe a big old homophobe too, which means he’s in completely the wrong line of work unless he’s content to only ever choreograph nubile young girls in mediocre Australian ‘hip-hop’ videos. Bonnie thought he could do better. Jason loved the top of it and thought the whole thing was very powerful and evoked emotion, so well done. The comments have very clearly been cut to shit because they don’t really make a whole lot of sense and they’re over in a flash and tomorrow night we’ll get recaps of a whole different set of comments, but let’s leave that for the results show recap for now and just all give Rhys a big old virtual hug.

*awww … so warm*

The brown hair jumper is a bit itchy though.

Jemma draws Anthony out of the Hat Of Evil and pretends to be happy about it. It’s not our night, Team Jemma. It’s really not. She’s much happier about getting a Cha Cha, and is all comfortable with the sexy dance now, not that Anthony could bring the sexy anywhere …

The routine is fine. I mean, Jemma’s bit is fine. I can’t say my eyes fell upon her dancing partner at any point during my original viewing.

Matt doesn’t think the routine was as strong as the music. Yeah x 2. Bonnie is all ‘Jemma did much better’. Jason tells her it’s not her night but calls her darlin’ a lot, because he loves her, but she’s sucking tonight and I know he’s trying to be nice, and I’m with him on everything he’s saying, but it just sounds so very patronizing.

Then he goes and calls Anthony beige and I’m pulling my Jason Coleman Fan Club membership out of the bin and holding it somewhere close to my heart once more. Sing it, my badly dressed older brother!

After the break – yeah, I know. This show, like this recap, is going forever – Graeme does a high energy solo to the fast bit out of Bohemian Rhapsody. And I get he’s trying to be versatile, but he’s just … not that great. And I like Graeme.

Matt says it showed what kind of dancer he was. Dynamic etc. Bonnie wanted more and better and for him to show his emotion – which, of course, he hasn’t done in the bazillion twu wuv routines he’s had so – oh, wait.

Jason got it, but thinks less is more. Jason is so sensible. Yeah?

And final, we’re up to our final solo for the night (not our final performance, mind you – but we have to be getting close) and it’s Demi! In pink pantaloons. It starts of cheesy and theatrical and ends up the usual hip-hop stylings and I don’t really love it. It’s too eisteddfod. God that word is so spelled wrong but Microsoft is INSTISTING. You know what I mean … high school. Cheesy. Lame.

Blergh.

Matt is all sunshine and positivity and tricks. Bonnie says journey and firecracker and a few other stupid words that don’t mean anything. Jason does an uh-oh, and calls her darling’, so you just know he thinks it’s shit. Which he does, of course. Because someone has to agree with me, yeah?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand then! It’s the last performance of the night! Finally. I’d be joyous but I know I’ve got a results show to recap tonight too … and that involves Delta Goodrem. So, frankly, I’d be happy if the performance show just kept going and going and going.

And going and going.

Rhiannon picks ……… guess who??? …. Henry!! Out of the hat, and I’m wondering why they’re all surprised, given, um, process of elimination and everything. Stupid show/dancers/something.

Anyway, they get Jazz, and Rhiannon is all ‘what does Jazz mean?’ and thinks it’s going to be jazz hands and cheese, which is completely dumb because a) I thought she was a jazz/hip-hop dancer, b) she’s already done two (2) jazz routines in this competition and c) even I know what Jazz is.

The thing is I suspect she’s serious. Dipstick.

And because life sucks balls, they get Kelly Abbey, which is so not fair. I want Rhys to get Kelly Abbey. Alas for the viewing public, it’s this seasons obligatory death dance. It’s the unwritten rule of SYTYCD that there must be a death dance every season. It must be all deep and angsty and involve the choreographers own backstory and make the cynics groan.

On the brightside, Kelly Abbeys death dance shits all over Mia Michaels ‘dance like stupid four-year-olds’ death dance. I’m still all for renaming this show ‘So You Think You Can Dance Kelly Abbey Choreography?’ despite this minor fall from awesome funness.

I’d tell you what the judges said, but I’m too distracted by Henry and his constant sobbing during the feedback. And by sobbing I mean heavy-breathing and eye rubbing, and a glorious moment where he wipes his nose with his finer and rubs it on Rhiannons head. Aw. That, there, my readers, is the start of a beautiful friendship. But I’m guessing that because they can hardly say otherwise, they’re going to say it’s awesome.

And that’s why I hate the death dance. No judge is ever going to say anything bad. None. Except maybe Vyle Sandypants. But really, do we want him anywhere near our dear show? No.

And now that I’ve sullied it, that was the performance show. Awesome, yeah? Yeah.

Stay tuned, because the results show recap is up right after the break.

Line break, I mean.

---------

Group dance. Hip hop. Sigh. Why must there be so many freaking hip-hop group dances? And it’s not even by super special choreographer Supple – it’s just another Nacho Pop thing. Nappy-time.

Natalie is in red tonight and looking a little overexcited for a results show. She looks cuter than Jason though, who is wearing a vomit-patterned shirt unbuttoned a little too low.

First up we have the girls. And the way this will work is that two of them will be in ‘the bottom four’, and everyone in ‘the bottom four’ will do a dance that doesn’t mean anything (filler, ok …. We need to get our hours worth of show) and then one boy and one girl will get the boot, based on the votes.

Demi is first and she gets the whole recap package but not – yay! – Natalie recapping the recap package (which then involves me recapping the recap of a recap … it’s too early for this). Demi is safe, obvs.

Jemma and Kate get recapped next. And of course Jemma is in the bottom four, which makes me sad, but not as sad as if it were both of them.

After the break, it’s down to Rhiannon and Vanessa, and curiously, they recap Jason criticizing Rhiannon’s death dance with Henry, which I’m pretty damn sure we didn’t see last night. Stupid show.

These two get to get some judging feedback and Matt says Vanessa will be in the bottom four, so of course it’s Rhiannon. I’d like to think she was going home but – unlikely. Poor Jemma.

And then it’s right onto the boys (after the break, of course). Rhys is first up and most of his recapped comments weren’t screened last night – both negative and positive. Odd. Odd. Odd.

And self-indulgent, eh? It’s a freaking solo. What happened to ‘dance for yourself!’

Say it with me kids – Stupid show.

Rhys is safe and hugs everyone and nearly mounts Henry and then hugs Nat and he’s the cutest little excited possum ever, even with the blue and green make-up that looks like he dipped the top of his head into a fluorescent fishtank and it left a stain.

Jack and Anthony are next. Nat reminds Anthony that Bonnie thinks he’s great and asks if Australia agrees. No, they don’t, she continues. How awkward. And funny! Poor Anthony. Or, not really. So Jack is safe, which – in a fake-out of editing or a vulnerable moment screened for no good reasons – doesn’t seem to please Rhys, and Anthony is ~~going home~~ in the bottom two.

Then it’s Henry and Graeme. And I know who I want in the bottom four, and we know who Bonnie wants – Graeme, because she and I will never be on the same team – but, in true Idol fashion, we’re going to have to wait until after the break to find out that it’s Graeme and I lose and Bonnie wins yet again.

And then we get the obligatory judges feedback, and Jason does the ‘if you like your dancers, you have to vote for them’ plug for Legion Interactive, and Natalie plugs the Idol Auditions and the Delta Goodrem performs and plugs her new album – which from this random sample is a bit pile of shite.

Not that we’re surprised. But, even for Delta, this is badness. It has shades of that Paris Hilton song – that’s how bad it is. And is why I love the Fast Forward button.

After that shocking display, each of the bottom four get to do a solo, for no good reason really except to fill up some time and show us what we might be missing. Jemma seems resigned to going home, and when even Natalie calls her darlin’ and tells her she loves her you know it’s a foregone conclusion. Poor dear.

Anthony’s solo is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, and followed up by Rhiannon’s usual brand of bouncy hip-hop in low cut pantzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and then Graeme shows us his hip-hopping moves and I do like him and his bumbling nervousness in the post-solo interview afterwards.

After the break, we finally, finally get to the eliminations, and Jemma is going home, which makes Nat all emotional, because she probably thinks Rhiannon is a whingy brat too. Her package is lovely, but then she talks about not giving up and a whole bunch of stuff and it reminds me of my first impression of her in the Top 20 revealed show. And she thanks Brendan, who auditioned with her, but not Rhys who – let’s face it, Darlin’ – got her this far.

And then it’s the boys, and it’s Anthony. Surprise surprise. And yay! Finally.

I wish I could tell you what his package and everything were like, but I just don’t care enough to put myself through the whole thing again. If you want to know what he said, and what the judges said, get the video. He does, I will note, tell everyone at home that if they’re interested in dance, to take lessons. NOT, of course, because he has a dance school whose enrollments have doubled since this show started, but because he’s a nice guy like that.

And I won’t hear anything different, k?

And that’s it folks. Except that behind Nat’s natter, I keep seeing Rhys lined up to hug Jemma while she ignores him and hugs everyone – anyone - else, and it makes me sad. If that’s how it’s going to be, then that’s how it’s going to be, but suddenly, I’m very very glad I didn’t vote for her.

See you next week! Or, maybe we can lure ActonB out of retirement?

BAAAAHAHAHAHAH!

2008-03-27T12:15:00.000+11:00

I haven't been able to watch as much So You Think You Can Dance as I had intended, so y'all will have to verify if this is a lame call on my part, but contestant Rhys Bobridge, pictured below looking extremely fairy-like indeed:

Is the Elf character from Channel Seven morning kids' show The Fairies:

Harmony and Rhapsody are all 'what is Elf and Matt Lee doing with that double-ended dildo!?'

Oh, and apparently I watch The Fairies now. Quiet, you.

So You Think I've Run Out Of Questions That Start With 'So You Think'? Top 12 and results!

2008-03-20T07:20:00.001+11:00

So, it’s top twelve time. Which means we’re nearly at the top ten. At the pointy end. Arroaching the finale. Halfway through the top twenty nearly. Etc. Etc. And for the first time the little Intro bit at the beginning is feeling short and empty and - oh, Rhys, Rhys Rhys, must you wear the tight patterned denim cut-offs in your intro dance? It makes it so damn hard to respect you and love you and make you my new gay best friend.

Natalie is going to prom tonight. But only junior prom – because her big boofy skirt is only knee-length and apparently that’s the rule. It’s a huge night – last chance for top 10, 2 routines each blah blah blah – and let’s meet the judges. Jason comments on Nat’s tu-tu – saying she couldn’t decide what tu-tu wear, and I’m flashing back to the evil bad punning of my year nine commerce teacher. She points out that he’s wearing a powder blue shirt with sequined flowers all over it. Score: Natalie 1, Jason ½ (because secretly I love a bad pun).

I don’t remember what the other two judges say or what they’re wearing – as per usual, but I’m thinking Matt … hat – but we have a guest judge! Kelly Abbey! And in three seconds she proves that despite what Australian Reality TV producers seem to think, it is possible to be female and an articulate judge.

read the rest

Kate and Graeme are up first and they get Jazz, which means so far Graeme has had five jazz/contemporary/lyrical styles. This time it’s hard-core thrash Jazz – which means they’re dancing to Guns & Roses ‘Live and Let Die’. It’s by the choreographer who did the ‘swap’ routine, so I’m scared, and it takes me two goes watching it but I think it’s good. It’s … odd. It goes all fast and slow and fast and slow and sometimes it looks really messy but I think that’s mostly intentional.

Kelly points out that Kate is injured and she did brilliantly given this was her first time doing the routine. Matt loved it because it had highs and lows. Bonnie says it should be ‘live and let dance’. Yeah. She’s insightful like that. Jason starts talking about the Dance Family and how it’s great that Australia’s learning what the word ‘chorry’ means. Blah blah blah – did someone tell him to be less constructive?

After the break, we get the first of our surprise challenges. Everyone gets a phone! Surprise! I’m not telling you which phone because they want me to, but it’s by one of the sponsors of the show! Not surprise! And it’s got three songs on it! Surprise! And they have to pick a costume! Surprise! And then choreograph a routine! Surprise!

JD and Rhainnon have choreographed some … weird thing where she’s wearing a big dress and he’s a waiter and then she strips and she’s in little shorts and there’s lots of running around and considering JD is a choreographer, and he choreographed it, he still spends the entire routine looking at his feet and counting.

Nat reminds everyone afterwards that they did it themselves! Yay! No wonder it was average! Jason thinks it was like pro-am choreography on a cruise ship. Thank you, the man returns.

Jemma and Rhys are next. Their phone has a Prince song on it and Rhys asks why he gets the Prince songs, and then they pick ‘Pony’ by Gynuwine. It’s way cute. But I’m so biased they could have come out and done the Hokey Pokey and I’d be all ‘best dance of the night!’ Anyway, they’re equestrian riders and the do lots of little prancy things and some hip-hoppy-poppy moves and then Jemma rides the Rhys pony. For a boy who likes boys, Rhys does very well to bring the sexy with the ladies and I’m guessing he’s like some of the theatre boys I used to know who would not sleep with a girl if you paid them a million dollars, but have pashed every single one of their girly friends, and it makes me love him even more.

Bonnie does this whole ‘we’re not judging the choreography!’ thing, which is annoying, because a) Jason just did and b) it makes it seem like it was really bad, when it was about fifteen times better than JD and Rhiannon’s.

After the break, we get Henry and Vanessa, who draw contemporary and end up with Capoera. Which is a martial art. A dancy martial art, but still a martial art. I took a Capoera lesson a few years ago and my god, I could not walk for about four days afterwards. It’s harder than it looks. In rehearsal, Vanessa pops her shoulder out of its socket. And it hurts. But luckily it just pops back in so all good! Yay for Dancers and the damage they inflict on their bodies on a regular basis!

The routine is pretty crap, really. It’s all over the place and there’s not much dancing and they’re doing it to ‘Piece of Me’ by Britney, so it feels like the wrong tempo for the routine. There are a couple of cool tricks but overall – meh.

Nat says Capoera a few times. Kelly couldn’t find the dance in it and thought it needed to be edgy. Because Kelly is a good judge who … judges. Matt says what I said in the paragraph above this one. Bonnie says that dance is a huge umbrella and it’s a martial art but also a dance and talks about Vanessa’s shoulder. Because Bonnie is a bad judge who … doesn’t judge.

Jason says he struggled to find the dance in that martial arts display, and has nothing to say. Harsh, but fair.

Camilla and Anthony are up next and – ugh! – they get Lambada. It’s the dance of forbidden love and so, in Camilla’s words, there’s a lot of lust between Camilla and Anthony. Anyone else remember Lambada the movie? No? Just me then?

They start out ok and it just goes downhill from there. The Lambada as I know it – from the aforementioned movie – involves lots of hip-grinding and sexy-type stuff. I could jam a beach ball between Camilla and Anthony’s hips at any point during this routine, and they would not notice they’re so far apart. It’s the most polite ‘dance of forbidden love’ I’ve ever seen in my life. Anthony looks as bored as I am. Snore.

Kelly tells Anthony not to scowl and to dance from the inside out, and Camilla to ooze. I think she oozes pain-in-the-arse quite well already. Matt says something about Dirty Dancing – not that there was anything Dirty about that routine. Bonnie enjoyed it. As she would. And then she actually … criticizes both of them. Intelligently. Can she hear me through the TV?

Jason said it was missing a big key element of the Lambada: the sex. Amen! Nat points out that it’s a family show. Heh. The Lambada is ‘having sex with your clothes on’ or – as Bonnie interjects – ‘inappropriate dancing’. Yes, inappropriate. That’s exactly what this routine wasn’t. Except as entertainment.

Demi and Jack get surprise challenge next. They pick a Beyonce song and Beyonce outfits and while choreograph a routine right out of a Beyonce video. It’s cute – Jack mostly is cute – but hardly original. Beyonce did it all better, as much as it pains me to praise her.

It’s Matt’s turn to comment, but not judge (of course). And somehow he manages to do just that. Matt points out that this isn’t ‘so you think you can choreograph’ which has me wondering about the point of this whole surprise challenge.

After the break, it’s Rhys and Jemma in their proper routine. They’re doing Musical Theatre and – what do you know – they get actual musical theatre, with actual music from a musical. Jemma has to learn how to pirouette, because you don’t do that in ballroom. Or something.

The routine is so cheesy and cute silly and I love it. There’s lots of big movements and jazz hands and it’s just one of those awesome routines that puts a big sloppy grin on my face.

Kelly says it’s a unison routine and they have to be as tight as a fishes butt. Ok. She doesn’t say if that actually were as tight as a fishes butt, but she liked it anyway. Jason points out that a fishes butt has to be tight so the water doesn’t get it. Boom Tish. Matt thinks it was really fun, but maybe wanted more fun.

Bonnie totally dismissed how hard these guys have worked by saying they were so lucky with the music and the routine and how could anyone fail at that? Er, hello? Unison as tight as a fishes butt or disaster? The only other couple I think that could kick this would be Kate & Graeme. Jack would ace it but I think Demi would do worse than Jemma. That’s Bonnie’s second comment to Rhys and Jemma tonight that could be very easily misconstrued as an insult. And then she goes on to talk about pirouettes and Billy Eliot and blah blah blah. She’s pissed me off so I don’t care.

Jason says it was his favourite routine of the night, and showed Rhys’s personality without the make-up. Does that mean Rhys will stop with the make-up? Probably not, but we can only hope.

Kate and Graeme get the surprise challenges next. They do this very cute racing thing to ‘pump it’ by The Black Eyed Peas. I like it and I’m even going to go out on a limb and say it’s the best of the surprise challenges. Kate is adorable. I’m so taking Kate and Rhys to the pub once this thing is over.

Kelly does a Mary Murphy and tells them to call the fire brigade because that was hot!

I so so so love that Courtney and Khaly are the new spokespeople for Metamucil. Go fibre for Dance energy!

Rhiannon and JD do their proper routine after the break. And they get hip-hop. Woot! How convenient. Their pre-routine package is an ad for some phone company that lets you download songs to your phone from the interwebs. And no, I’m not saying which one but – again – let’s see who sponsors the show.

They’re popping. And I think they do well, but the routine is just freaking boring. I watched it twice and both times I got distracted by the paintwork on the wall under our lounge room window and missed a chunk of it.

Kelly thinks they did well. Matt thinks there wasn’t enough energy for TV. I am a little wary of his maths. TV sucks out 50% of your energy, so you have to give 150%, he says. Seems right, but … no. If you start at 150, and take out 50%, you get 75. If TV sucks out 50% of your energy and you want to end up with 100, you have to start at 200. Obvs. But I’m sure I’m the only person who cares.

Bonnie is glad Rhiannon wasn’t cute. Jason says they were missing energy and unison and they cut out this bit where he yells something at Rhiannon – which we all know about anyway thanks to the power of the interwebs – which makes Nat’s ‘do you want to say something?’ to Rhiannon at the end make some sort of sense. The wide shot to break shows Jason getting up and walking off. Damn the TV people. Either pretend it never happened or show it. None of this half-in half-out crap. Stupid editing.

Camilla and Anthony’s surprise challenge is next. They do a fight scene to ‘Stronger’ by Kanye West, which is NOT as good a song as everyone seems to think it is, mostly because it’s actually just Kanye West rapping over someone elses song. Camilla tells us all about how she choreographs and I don’t care. There’s a whole lot of Camilla and Anthony trying to get the crowd cheering and interested but it never quite sticks and the actual routine is just cheesy faux boxing moves and suuuuuucks huge quantities of aaaaaarse.

Matt says it looks like they really enjoy dancing together and they’re just giggly and stupid and ‘woo! We have personality!!!’ but they don’t.

Henry and Vanessa do Surprise challenge next. They pick Michael Jackson’s Black or White, and black and white outfits. Their story – Henry as a schoolkid seduced by his teacher – doesn’t fit the outfits OR the music.

Oh, wait. Remember that episode of ‘*random 80’s sitcom* where *random 80’s sitcom star* finds out that their kids teacher moonlights as a cocktail and everyone is all outraged until she explains that teaching pays so badly this is the only way she can make ends meet and there’s a big lesson-learning moment*? Maybe Vanessa is THAT teacher and she forgot to change back into her teacher clothes.

It’s ok, but two things ruin it for everyone. The first being the ripping off of Henry’s shirt – why must we see that again? The second is Henry’s facial expression when the ‘teacher’ gets him. It’s the same face you KNOW he’d have while he was bragging to his friends about getting laid. Ew.

Demi and Jack are the last couple for the night – they draw contemporary. It’s ballistic and high-velocity, apparently, so not angsty. It’s pretty cool – with random little fight elements and lots of throwing around and leaping and stuff, but not boring like it would be if it was Camilla and Anthony doing. I think I like it, but I can’t be 100% sure.

Demi is also wearing a tu-tu, and so Jason makes his joke again. Kelly saw them lose energy at the end and comments on Jack’s expression. Matt thinks it was a little bit too manic, but liked it. Bonnie thinks the routine was too hard for Demi. Diddums. Stupid mean choreographers –

Oh, wait. Stupid Bonnie. Because no-one has had a hard routine outside their comfort zone besides these poor victimized people. Right.

Jason loved the routine, but thinks it was a little under compared to people who dance like that all the time – which is, der! He’s also concerned that we the plebs, the non-members of the dance family, won’t get it.

But I’m sure we’ll try. Just so we can prove him wrong. Especially since he then spends a lovely chunk of time explaining that this show is about diversity and the dance family and blah blah blah and dammit I love the man but he’s getting so into his little dance family thing and I’m feeling all left out because I only lasted 10 weeks at LA Talent School when I was twelve.

And that’s the show. Vote early. Vote often. Or … don’t. Because it’s probably a bit late …

… Given the results show is being recapped –

Now.

First up is the group routine and it’s freaking awesome and wonderful and delicate and sweet and pretty and really just the loveliest thing I’ve seen on this show. It’s so lovely I can’t even snark on it in any way. It’s by Kelly Abbey, which makes it two from two for her and I think she should just choreograph everything. EVERYTHING. Ever. On this show. Everything. The whole thing should be renamed ‘So You Think You Can Dance Kelly Abbey’s Choreography?’

And also – why is it that twelve people can pretty much nail unison, but two people can’t? This show poses all the big questions people …

Nat’s still going to prom, but tonight it’s booby prom. And there’s the usual chatter about how the judges hate Monday and how they’re so glad it’s the last time they have to do this.

First up to go through the recap-and-recap-of-recap-and-verdict mill tonight are JD & Rhiannon vs Jack and Demi. This is about as suspenseful as Playschool, and JD and Rhiannon are in the bottom three. Or, as Natalie puts it, Jack and Demi are in the Top Ten, meaning they get to jump and squeal and be all cheery while the losers just stand there being ignored.

After the break, Rhys and Jemma come up against Camilla and Anthony and for fucks sake people, at least freaking TRY. If Jack & Demi vs JD and Rhiannon was Playschool, Rhys & Jemma vs Camilla & Anthony is Pooh-bah. No, really. If you need to be told whether ‘best routine of the night, never been in the bottom three and just totally awesome and insanely popular’ or ‘boring and annoying and boring and quite familiar with the bottom three and so crap last night’ will be in the bottom three, you obviously haven’t been paying attention.

Strangely enough, Natalie gushes over Rhys and Jemma getting to the top ten without being in the bottom three. She calls it a ‘world record or something’ … while Jack and Demi stand in the wings with their hands up yelling ‘Us too! Us too! And Sabra and Dominic! And probably others! But us too! Three minutes ago! Literally! We just did that too and we got nothing!’

Or not, but they should.

Finally, it’s Kate & Graeme vs Henry and Vanessa, and we all know who *should* be in the bottom three, but tonight – Australia gets it wrong, and Kate and Graeme go down, which makes Matt mad. It’s ok, honey. You can save them.

And then it’s time for the dancing for your life. Or the dancing for yourself, which is what the judges want tonight.

Rhiannon dances for herself, or – more so – for the boys. She’s got some weird stomach thing going on. It’s much more pronounced tonight and I’m worried she’s malnourished or something because … weird.

JD is next and he’s ok. As usual. It’s the same old thing but I will give him a teeny bit of credit for at least making half an effort to put a bit more energy into it.

Camilla’s a big old fat mess, just like last week – and Anthony goes angsty this week – just like last week! His angst is so … icky.

Kate is all over the place, but in a good way. It’s not coherent, but it’s pleasant to watch and a bit of fun.

Graeme is last and he does angsty and leapy, and it’s not icky like it was with Anthony. I … actually like it, easy ride through to the top ten or not.

And as usual the judges go away to deliberate. Tonight’s musical guest is KT Tunstall, who really should have done ‘Suddenly I See’ and I don’t care if it’s old or not what she’s promoting this week or overplayed or whatever - it’s a SYTYCD institution.

After the break and the usual shot of the judges standing around and trying to get their stories straight about what they’ve been doing, it’s elimination time. Dum dum DUM!

The girls go first, and Kate gets safed like we all knew she would because Camilla and Rhiannon are both fifteen times suckier and even Jason knows that.

I don’t care which one of these two goes, but I’d almost prefer Rhainnon, because that just means Camilla would get caned by the public next week, while Rhiannon actually had *gulp* fans.

Alas, the judges haven’t considered this. Bonnie probably stood backstage and stamped her little feet about Rhiannon and everyone else just gave up, so Rhainnon stays, while Camilla gets sent packing.

Oh boy. That means she gets to make a speech. And make a speech she does. She manages to at once thank and patronize every single person involved in the competition - from the dancers to the judges to the freaking crew.

I feel for her, in a way. She seemed to hold such a strong belief that she should win this thing that she’s probably right now looking for any excuse as to why she didn’t to hold her fragile ego together. And she probably doesn’t realize that treating the remaining dancers like they’re the ones that got eliminated when she says ‘I believe in all of you! You’ll go far!’ isn’t the right way to do it, but it makes her feel superior, and validated – so whatevs. And they will go far, right into the top ten, in fact. Which she will watch on television.

To my surprise, nearly everyone is in tears. So I guess Camilla’s personality, like JD’s dancing, loses something through the TV screen.

Ok, enough of that. Jason finds it difficult to speak after such a humble and heartfelt speech – and even though he’s a bit red around the eyes my sarcasm meter picked up traces of activity as he said the words ‘humble’ and ‘heartfelt’.

Next up are the boys. Graeme is safe first, which is just yay. Kate & Graeme forevs! Or, until final four! Except not, because next week it’s couple swapping time. D’oh!

Now it’s down to JD and Anthony, and like with the girls, I don’t really care who goes but I’d prefer Anthony, because he’s so damn smug and it’s like he’s given up lip balm while he’s on the show and he really, really needs lip balm.

But JD goes. So much for diversity, judges. Anthony does his luggy walk back to the others, probably confident of ultimate victory now, and I’m comforted by the knowledge that next week it’s Australia’s turn to vote, and there’s no way Anthony is outvoting Graeme, Rhys, Jack or Henry – sole Queenslander or not – so we only have one week left of him.

JD’s leaving package is actually mostly quite moving. He was a shitty dancer, but probably not a bad person. I’m kind of confused though, as to why, of all the judges comments and quotes and footage they could have used, they chose to play Jason saying ‘you’re the kind of dancer that could make the biggest mistake ever, and no-one would even notice’ over footage of that disastrous tango.

Did he really need reminding of that moment at this – his – moment? It’s funny, but it’s actually also kind of mean.

Eh.

So that’s the top ten. Rhys, Jack, Graeme, Henry., Anthony, Vanessa, Kate, Demi, Rhiannon and Jemma. As the judges say, we’re going to be losing good dancers every week now. Except next time, when we will only lose one good dancer and an annoying acrobat.

Next week is a recap show – and if you want recap of recap I’m afraid you’re going to have to hound ActonB. I’m moving house and probably going offline for a couple of weeks in the process. Damn ADSL and it’s non-instant connection.

Um, what do people without interwebs do with their time? Help!

* I’m actually not making that up. I just wish I could remember whether it was Diff’rent Strokes of Full House. Or both.

So Very Very Very Confused

2008-03-14T06:53:00.001+11:00

Can someone please tell me how I feel about this?

Correct answer wins a prize.

So You Think The Judges Can Get It Right This Time? Top 14 Results Show

2008-03-13T06:41:00.003+11:00

As always, we open with a group number. This week it's hip-hop and it's boring. They just don't really seem to be doing much. And can we stop with the group dances all being themed 'Gang A v Gang B'? There's been an element of that twice now and I'm bored.

Nat looks cuter this evening, she brushed her hair and blue seems to suit her. The whole thing is a little too Grease for me, and I keep expecting John Travolta to show up in his tight black jeans and carry her away - but this is a dance show after all, so you never know ... Jason, on the other hand, totally ignored my advice and has upgraded to a big old silver Michael-Jackson-In-Thriller-Era jacket. Blergh. I guess he's trying to prove that he's all about the 80's and none about the 70's, after Anothony's comment the other week.

Right-o. Lets get into it.

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First up on the results train, we have Demi & Jack and Camilla & Sermsah. As per usual, we get a recap of the dancing and the comments, followed by Nat repeating what we just saw the judges say, and it's Camilla and Sermsah in the bottom three for the first time, so Jack and Demi get shuffled off stage while Nat does an amusing interview with Camilla and Sermsah, which is actually only amusing because no matter how far away from Camilla and toward Sermsah Nat angles her microphone, Camilla gets in front of it and answers every single bloody question. Bint.

After the break - and there are a lot of breaks in this show, so lets pretty much assume that every paragraph starts with an 'after the break' so I can stop typing it - it's Henry & Vanessa and Rhys (who has decided this week to experiment with glitter and red facepaint, and it's part adorable and part just-got-hit-by-a-car icky) & Jemma. They do this to scare Team Rhys, I tells you, because looking at those two and hearing all the teen girls squeeling and yelling for New Henry, I'm getting kind of worried that if one of these couples is in the bottom three, it's my boy and his woman and I'm regretting not voting. But only for a minute, because after the obligatory recap, Nat declares both couples safe. Yay!

So then we're down to Anthony & Laura, Kate & Graeme and JD & Rhiannon. This is going to be close, boys and girls. Except ... not really.

Anthony and Laura get sent through to the bottom three without even having to wait for the other couples to get recapped. And then JD and Rhiannon join them, which Rhainnon doesn't look particularly devastated about, because everyone knows she wants a new partner. Don't get too cocky there, young lady. He's not gone yet ...

The judges waste no time telling Australia that they got it right this week, and they're really pleased about it and yay yay yay for everyone who voted, which I'm sure makes the bottom six dancers, who are standing RIGHT THERE, really happy.

Then it's time for this weeks DFYL, which of course is broken up by a commercial break, because it's impossible to fit six 30-second routines and six 30-second interviews into one segment and still get an ad to show ratio of 60-40. Obvs.

Camilla is first and she's pretty average. It's that whole 'first time in the bottom three, must do absolutely every trick I know' thing, I suppose. Sermsah does his part-traditional part-contemporary thing, which is quite good, if not particularly interesting to me.

Laura does better this week - but only marginally. I think part of her problem is that she's quite tall and long limbed, with big feet and big hands, but she's also still quite curvy, so on the whole, she never looks particularly graceful. There's too much of her.

And - FUCK ME - could the people living upstairs stomp down on their wooden floorboards with any more intensity as the march back and forth across their living room more times in five minutes than I do in a freaking week? This makes me really look forward to moving house, let me tell you. Sorry. It's 7am here. There need not be so much ruckus.

Anthony probably read that no-one liked the stripper routine much last week so this week he's angsty contempo-boy. So there's lots of walking around looking wounded in between the usual random acrobatics. Yawn. I so don't care.

Rhiannon does a pretty ok but not overly exciting hip-hop jazz routine, and I can't help but think she pulls off those big hip-hop sneakers in quite a cute way. JD does what he does and what makes everyone watching on TV wonder why the judges love him so.

And then the judges go and deliberate, and I'm thinking it can't be that hard this week, so they're probably going to go out the back and smoke a cigarette or two and talk about the latest episode of Kitchen Nightmares US, where Ramsey dropped the c-bomb. But no, when we cut to them after the Simple Plan performance that I really can't be bothered saying anything about at all, they actually look like they're doing judgy shit.

... And then they're back, and ready to kick out a girl. Jason says a bunch of irrelevant crap and looks all bossy and pissed off and then gets tired of dragging out the most obvoious elimination since Stephanie and eliminates Laura, which is about as surprising as - breakfast, maybe. She's all nice about the whole thing and keeps smiling while she makes her rejection speech and I start to wonder if the wind changed and her face froze into that crazy wide smile. Bye Laura. We'll miss you ... not much.

Next up are the boys and Jason criticises them all and then eliminates ... Sermsah? Huh? I don't think he's that great, but he's way less boring than Anthony and less one-note than JD. This makes no sense to me.

Nor to Rhiannon, who fills my screen all of a sudden looking - not nearly as happy as she probably should for her safe partner. I want to remind her there's only one more week in these pairs and then it's random and she might get someone good. And at least she's spared dancing with Anothony.

Nat gives us this whole speech about how we don't even know the half of what Sermsah has gone through to get here, which - is puzzling and makes me wonder what more there is. And then they recap his journey and it's quite nicely done, even if I still think his 'are you sure you want to do that?' when they put him through after the group dances was lame-arse. And then we get the interview and the editing monkeys bleep out most of his first sentence right up to just before he actually says the word fuck. Ah, the pitfalls of live TV.

It's very funny anyway, because he's all apologising for swearing and everyone else is trying to look shocked and not laugh, but failing, and I'm laughing because I have no kids to protect the innocent ears of. But, you know, he too is nice about leaving, and not all bitter and shit.

And that's the show. Next week the dancers are choreographing their own routines. Which I find frightening and not-cool in the extreme, because this is SYTYCDA, not Idol, and we don't need or want special theme nights. Just ... go find some choreographers, k?

But here are my predictions anyway:

Rhys and Jemma will do a little bit of slightly gender-bending jazzy stuff. Jason will hate that Rhys didn't dance like a man. Or maybe he won't. It depends on the song. I will like it but middle Australia might get a bit worried.

Henry and Vanessa will combine lots of his hip thrusting with lots of her ballet. It will be slightly wrong, but ok.

Camilla and Anthony will put me to sleep with boring leapy jazz.

Kate and Graeme will probably stick to what they do well and go for some sort of angry contemporary jazz thing.

Demi and Jack will do something hip-hop flavoured, to cater to Demi not being that good at anything else.

Ditto JD and Rhiannon.

It will not be the best night of dance ever. Sigh.

So You Think You Can Dance And Recap At The Same Time? Top 14!

2008-03-10T06:26:00.003+11:00

Yeah, me again. Making up for the lateness of last week by pulling a marathon all-nighter and brining you this recap before you've even had a chance to wonder when it's going up. Nah, not really. I just didn't want to go to bed.

Well, it’s top 14 night, which is kind of all kinds of cool. And less people who we see every week to introduce us to.

Nat’s wearing some sort of black sequined thing that is kinda too short, or too tight or too baggy or something and she looks a little awkward in it – which might be the ridiculously high platforms squishy-looking shoes making her knees knock together. Her hair is inoffensive, but I’m kinda wishing she’d brushed it.

The judges are looking dapper – mostly because Jason’s shirt seems buttoned up past mid-chest, and Bonnie had put her tuckshop lady arms away. Matt still looks 14, but there’s not really much he can do about that. I’m starting to wonder what’s under the hat though?

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Shaved head, maybe?

Rhys and Jemma are first tonight and they’re doing hip-hop – Dancehall to be precise, which is Jamaican hip-hop. Rhys is all into it, right down to a cute little sideways baseball cap for rehearsals, while Jemma is freaking out, because she’s all sweet and shy and virginal and stuff.

Nat calls them Ghetto Fabulous and the routine starts with Jemma hanging upside down by her hips from Rhys’ waist and pulsing her butt at us. Virginal it aint. There’s lots of ‘we’re having sex’ gesturing, and it is hip-hop, but I do quite like it. Jemma looks like those hip-hops girls from Blacktown with the big earrings and the hair pulled back so tight you wonder how they don’t have a headache. Rhys calls her Jemma from the Block. Heh. See? Rhys and I are on the same wavelength.

Matt likes it but thinks it needs more energy. Bonnie thinks it had plenty of energy and that the opening was sizzling. She asks if they had a candlelit - for those who missed it, this is a reference to a random comment she made last week about Graeme and Kate going for a candlelit dinner to get connected. Rhys says he stayed for breakfast. Squee.

Jason is still blushing, but loved it. He thought Rhys was really blokey. Yay for blokey gay boys!

After the break, we get a recap of the new prizes. And I still can’t believe they get tickets to a broadway show – it’s so ... I could go buy those for myself.

Jack and Demi get Rumba, which they didn’t want. They’re like brother and sister, which the choreographer doesn’t want, because they – gasp! – have to be in love!

They do the routine to Father Figure by George Michael, which is one of those squicky semi-incesty type songs that I always find kind gross, because it’s all about the sex, but he’s trying to be someone’s father figure. Their routine seems really short or boring or ... something. It’s lusty and romantic, but the song is distracting and I just want it to be over – and then it is.

Matt likes that they’re not fun this week, but that they don’t have a connection. He thinks they’re brother-sister, but I think that, you know, with the squicky incest music, that doesn’t *not* work. Ew. Sorry.

Bonnie liked Demi’s dress. And you know you’re not going to get a great review when Bonnie’s resorting to commenting on the clothes. She doesn’t think they were in love. Jason is wearing bright pink and it’s distracting, but he makes sense again – they weren’t very musical, and they were flat-footed because they’re not wearing shoes, which he’s all blaming the choreographer. Demi pipes up and admits she was the one who chose not to wear shoes. Silly girl – hush!

Also distracting: Jason’s jacket that he stole from those Micheal Jackson-styled extras in Beverly Hills Cop. The 80’s are over dude! OVER!

Next up are Anthony and Laura, so I curl up for a nap. AND they’re doing contemporary, so I’m asleep already.

Surprise surprise, they’re supposed to be in tortured wuv. Is there a contemporary routine anywhere that isn’t about tortured love or death? But of course Anthony is adding in jumps, because that’s what Anthony does … jumps.

And – aw – they’re dancing to Avril Lavigne – which kind of excuses Laura’s wannabe-Avril outfit. She’s … crap. And can’t stop smiling, which makes the angsty couple thing kinda weird. Anthony doesn’t register on my radar at all, so I can’t tell you what he did.

Matt says it was ordinary, and when the crowd boos he does this very ineffective-student teacher ‘hey, thank you!’ at them. Bonnie is confused. Laura says it was a fun routine and Anthony says they tried really hard – they went to their rehearsals and everything. Diddums. Jason didn’t get it either and thinks Laura is a pretty crap dancer who can’t even do a double turn when other people can do six or seven, and that she’s not sexy. Amen to that.

And then he criticizes the choreographer again, and explains why he likes to diss choreographers. I like it too, but not because I'm trying to build the dancers up, but because it’s fun.

Camilla and Sermsah are up after the break and doing hip-hop, again. This week: It’s a graffiti romance!

Which means that so far Sermsah has been a thief, a convict and now a graffiti artist – and I hate conspiracy theories and I don’t ask why they keep making Rhys dance all blokey when he’s actually quite comfy in womens clothes, but what is with that? Surely there’s some other, nicer, less criminal type character you can give the aboriginal dancer to explore?

It’s better than their last hip-hop, but they’re dancing to that overplayed ‘just the way you are’ song that was in the Gossip Girl pilot so I immediately start thinking about Gossip Girl and tuning out of this routine. In summary, it’s ... Ok.

Matt loses all brownie points by asking Camilla to speak. And speak she does, at length and with all the inflections of great wisdom but none of the insight, which makes me sad.

Bonnie is all sighy. She’s been sighing a lot lately and I’m wondering if someone asked her to be meaner, and she’s struggling with actual criticism. Jason thinks Camilla is great, which makes her say ‘thank you’ and nod about seven times in thirty seconds, and then crisicised Sermsah’s partnering. I half expect Camilla to pipe up like she has every week and tell them how much she likes Sermsah and how he’s a great partner and blah blah blah, but she doesn’t, so maybe she agrees with him.

Vanessa and Henry are up after the break and he’s had a haircut. Yay … or … not. Henry works better for me as unattractive as possible. On the plus side, Vanessa is coming out of her shell and I can bear listening to her now. Especially when she says Henry’s hair ‘makes him look cool! ... Not, um, that he wasn’t cool before!’

They’re doing an African Samba by Jason Gilkison and it’s all very dramatic and animal and leapy and starts without music, which is the new black, according to ~~God~~ Jason Gilkison. Sadly for me, Henry gets the hips out. Vanessa actually vaguely fierce, and luckily doesn’t end up face-planting the floor.

Everyone love love loves it and there’s lots of clapping. The judges love them, but not as much as they love Jason Gilkison, who would so win if this was So You Think You Can Choreograph? I, personally, think he’s a bit over-rated, but when he’s on, he’s on.

Yes, I am a dance expert, obvs.

After the billionth break for the evening, we have Graeme and Kate doing a contemporary routine. They went out for a candle-lit dinner, which is lucky because – surprise (again) – it’s tortured love!

Of all the girls, Kate strikes me as the most fun to go for cocktails with. Which means I like her.

They’re dancing to Fix You by Coldplay and it is all very tortured and angsty and emotional and I really like it despite myself. It … makes sense. I’m not saying that I would get the ‘one member of the relationship is needy and it’s starting to fuck everything up’ thing without being told – although I might - but because they did tell me, it made sense. There was no moment of ‘… and how does what they just did show that in any way whatsoever?’ which is what I usually get out of contemporary. Or maybe that’s just when Anthony and Laura are doing it.

Matt thought it was awesome. Bonnie comments on the candle-lit dinner (again), and asks if they booked a room. So I wonder if they’re the secret sytycd COUPLE couple. And if so … AWKward. Graeme’s girlfriend is going to be pissed.

Jason thinks it was the best contemporary routine in the competition so far. Jason loved it loved it loved it loved it loved it loved it.

Yay! But do you think he liked it?

Last but (maybe) not least we have Rhiannon and JD, who want hip-hop but get Jazz. They do this cute thing where Rhiannon has to drag JD kicking and screaming into rehearsal. They’re struggling in their package, obviously, but don't they all? There's never a package where everyone's like 'We've nailed it. No problem!'. But, you know, it's different because they fucked it last week, so the pressure is on.

They do this top-hat-and-tails thing and it’s not great, but they don’t cock it up completely (although, she who didn’t notice the cock-up actually thought they did at one point), and so they’re totally giddy and amazed at the end. Wow! Imagine how excited they would be if they actually did a routine *well*!

Matt thought they did fine. Bonnie babbles about something or other, and I think she had some of Marcia Hines’ crack, because she gets about halfway through four different sentences and doesn’t finish a single one. Jason thinks they did good, but their unison was a bit crap at times.

I get distracted suddenly by a full-length shot of Nat – holy crappers, Batman! That’s not a dress! That’s a onesie! A black, shorty, glittery playsuit!

That, or she’s wearing big black dancer undies.

And … that’s pretty much the show. My picks to go are Laura and either Anthony, JD or Sermsah. But Camilla can go too, if they want to put us out of our misery and take it straight to top 10.

So You Think You Can Read This Recap Before Tonights Show? Top 16!

2008-03-09T11:16:00.001+11:00

Well hello again! We know, we know – it’s late. And as much as I would love to say that art takes time, and it’s going to be worth the wait and blah blah blah, this is a very last minute thing because ActonB has had a shitter of a week (hugs!) and I’m working from memory and rather vague notes so … you know – deal.

And the show starts with the usual dancer intros, and as much as I love the cheese, I’m getting a bit sick of the feigned surprise in ‘Here’s Jack!’ ‘It’s Jemma!’ ‘And Kate!’

Excuse me Ms Bassingthawaite, have you not been watching the show? We KNOW all these people are going to be here. It would be more fun if it was like ‘Here’s Fred! Hey, Fred, what the hell are you doing here? We cut you!’

But anyway, she has extensions. It’s a bit nasty but still better than the hair-three-times-as-wide-as-head look she had a few weeks ago. And Mary Murphy is a guest judge! And yay! She’s all screamy! Yay! And she’s loud! And the other judges love her! Yay! Mary Murphy! Yay! Are you excited yet? I know I am, so let’s see some dancing!

read the rest

By the way, did you know that Sony Vaio is a proud sponsor of SYTYCDA? I didn’t!

Jack and Demi start us off with some jazz. It’s ‘indie jazz’ – which is jazz danced to the Arctic Monkeys. Like ‘industrial jazz’ is jazz danced to The Prodigy. Get it? Jack is great and Demi …. tries hard. Which is what Mary says. Matt says Jack is too cheesy – as if there is such a thing as too cheesy! Pah! Bonnie says something but I don’t remember what and it’s probably meaningless and vaguely positive. And Jason and his man-chest criticize.

Matt makes a joke about going deaf sitting next to Mary. He will make this joke after every routine. I will smile, every time, but I will secretly be getting tired of it.

Next up, we have Henry and Vanessa doing ‘contemporary disco’. Contemporary disco, as it turns out, is contemporary danced in spangly ice-skating outfits. Their whole package is about Henry being late to the first rehearsal, and how annoyed Vanessa and the choreographer were, and how sorry Henry was. The dance itself is ok – if you’re into that kind of thing. It’s got lots of leaps and throwing and it’s meant to be all deep and meaningful and angsy. Meh.

Mary doesn’t quite get it, and can’t spot the disco. I like Mary, she’s like Jason but with less chest hair. Matt says it’s nice to see Vanessa relax for a change, and that Henry is versatile. I just think Henry is greasy, but I’m not a judge, so it doesn’t count.

Bonnie tells Henry off for being late and he goes into this long-winded not-explaination about why. As it turns out, he was only five or six minutes late, which is – bad, don’t get me wrong, but doesn’t even come close to the amount of time that everyone else seems to have wasted bitching about it.

Bonnie also says that Vanessa outdanced Henry, but probably only because she’s still mad that he was late and can’t let those 350-odd seconds go. Jason disagrees. He tells Vanessa that this was her style – except I thought her style was ballet, but maybe this is as close as she will ever get in this competition – and she didn’t kick arse like she should have.

Camilla and Sermsah get a contemporary routine. The choreographer has obviously watched Hero recently, and chosen not to use it as an excuse for a nap, but as inspiration. So they get to do a simulated fight thing. MrL, being my resident martial arts expert, thinks it’s shit and lacks unison. ActonB, in her notes, thinks it’s way funky. I … fall somewhere in the middle. They did ok, but it didn’t impress me much. But maybe that’s because I sit through every routine these do dreading the post-routine interview and Camilla’s hand-movement-ridden, teeth-laden, ‘I’m such an expert’ speech about why she is so awesome and Sermsah is ok too.

And she doesn’t disappoint. Apparently, in dance, the girl has to trust the boy. Thank you, Camilla – I bow down to your infinite dance wisdom.

The judges all loved it and MrL storms out of the room when not even Jason points out the unison issues. I can’t help but feel that all three of Camilla/Sermsah routines have been decidedly average, but been judged rather gently.

After the break, Rhys and Jemma rock the Paso Doble. It’s well awesome and he flings her around like a pro. There’s a bit of a clunky snake thing but other than that it’s great.

Rhys is still my new TV Gay Best Friend.

Mary screams! Matt yays! Bonnie yays! Jason says he’s only got 40% hearing in his left ear, and now it’s only 30%. Mary makes the comment of the night and suggests we all have a pity party for him. Heh! Take that, nasty judge who I agree with 100% of the time.

Steph and Marko are up next with the Krump. And I’m calling bullshit. I hate Stephanie as much as the next person, but could these guys get three worse routines, with three worse costumes, for three consecutive weeks? No.

Although the editors do take care this week to show us that there are lots of cards in the magical dance-genre bucket. And yes, they’re all stacked neatly on top of each other and when Stephanie goes in she moves her hand around and picks up the top one. Don’t do it Steph – you KNOW they have it in for you. Root around the bottom. Fight your fate.

Or, don’t. Just take your Krump pills and shut up.

In the pre-dance package, Steph is all positive and ‘yay Krump! I don’t know what it means but I’m not going to whinge and bitch and moan – much! I’m positive! I’m happy! I can’t wait!’ while Marko is all ‘Working with the same partner every week is hard, especially when it’s Steph!’ except the last part is said with his eyes and not his mouth.

The dance is shit. Marko does what he can and he’s all fierce. Steph is shit.

Mary is nice, but thinks that Steph was too soft. Matt and Bonnie have just swallowed that Kool-Aid that Steph served them before the show and think it was awesome. Jason was rightly suspicious and just pretended to drink his, so he’s only written down three words: Big. Fat. Mess.

Yay for skeptical non-Kool-Aid-drinking Jason!

Laura and Anothony are doing Soul Swing. And Michael of the lovely upper body is choreographing! Laura gets to wear Steph’s outfit from last week – lucky thing!

I’m not feeling the love here. I do sort of her the soul swingy-ness of it, but it’s still boring. Is there anyone in this competition with less charisma and stage appeal than Anthony?

Oh, wait. Laura.

The udges said some stuff but I was asleep. ActonB said she quite liked it, so, maybe I’m just a cynical bint.

JD and Rhiannon are next with the Tango, and to my untrained eye it starts off ok, then gets a bit random and ends with the same step twice for no good reason. Apparently though, it was fourteen flavours of fucked up and Rhiannon is totally pissed when they come up to get their comments.

Mary and Matt and Bonnie are all ‘I felt for you! Poor dears! Woe is you!’

JD says he froze. And it’s all very serious and sad so I’m guessing that that whole same-move-twice thing was not because the Choreographer sucks?

Jason says JD let his partner down. Yeah. But in the results show JD just says he let himself down. And I don’t know who to believe any more.

Kate and Graeme draw Bollywood, but that suddenly becomes ‘Bollywood hip-hop’ in Choreography, because it’s Bollywood to Kelly Rowland! Get it? Kate comments in the package that she’s going through partners like underwear, and I hope the kids get that she’s talking about dance partners and not bed partners, because she’s not a big old slut at all.

I don’t have a lot to say about the routine. Jason sums it up best when he says it was two great dancers in an average routine. The judges can’t agree whether Kate and Graeme have a connection or not, but I think they’re reasonably cute. I’d vote for them if I voted and it was clear that Rhys and Jemma weren’t in any sort of danger.

So, that’s it. Eight routines. It didn’t feel like eight and I have to go back and count. But apparently is was.

To end the Show, Mary announces some more prizes for the winner of this whole thing: Dance lessons in the US! So our dancers have a chance to get half as good as Proper American Dancers! And tickets to a Broadway Show!

OMG! Everyone feigns excitement and the credits roll.

So, who wants a recap of the results show? Ok, just a quick, random one then, for our one reader! I have no notes, I’m juts using my remembery.

The proup dance is a jivey 50’s thing by Jason Gilkison, who is apparently God according to this show. It’s good, but a bit too similar to Kelly Abbey’s group routine a couple of weeks ago.

Nat spends a lot of time repeating things, and there are a lot of recaps, and then some repeating of what was in the recaps. I’d like her to pick different lines to quote when she recaps the recaps, so we don’t hear the same thing three times, but there you go.

Kate and Graeme and JD and Rhiannon are up first and both get safed. The contrast between the couples is rather telling: Kate and Graeme jump and whoop all over the stage in an infectious sort of excitement and yay usness! And Kate must be thinking it’s awesome she’s not kicked another boy out this week. JD and Rhiannon on the other hand look glary and sad. Especially Rhiannon, who was totally hoping for a competent partner next week.

Jason helpfully points out that JD and Rhiannon got through on sympathy vote and not, in case they’re totally deluded, because they didn’t suck. Yay Jason!

Next up, we have Jack and Demi, Steph and Marko and Anthony and Laura. Jack and Demi get safed, while everyone else gets bottom threed. Yay! Steph is going home tonight!

Finally, Rhys and Jemma get safed, while Henry and Vanessa and Camilla and Sernsah compete for the last safe spot, and – of course – Camilla and Sermah get it.

Everyone goes off to get ready to dance for their lives and the judges make boring, inane comments about who is in the bottom three and remind us that if we want out favourites to stay, we have to vote.

Ok, Solo time.

Laura is up first and she totally suck fifty-four kinds of arse. I could dance better, and come up with a more cohesive routine with my eyes closed and my feet tied together.

Anthony forgets that this is SYTYCDA and not a Manpower audition. I yawn. He has that effect on me.

Steph wears not a lot at all and shimmy’s all over the stage with her butt poking out.

Marko is all contempo-boy and does lots of lovely leaps and turns and bendy things, and I hope against hope that he gets to dance with a decent partner one day.

Vanessa does some Ballet. Good for her!

Henry shows off his newly waxed chest in a little vest and torn jeans, but thankfully this week she’s showing us his jive, which doesn’t involve any sort of hip manipulation at all, so I can just say that it’s sleazy and greasy.

The judges go off and deliberate, while some random rapper tries to boost his flagging career for my enjoyment. I go to the toilet instead.

When the judges come back, they do the girls first and right away make Vanessa safe. Now it’s down to Laura and Steph and I think they both suck, and so does everyone else probably including the judges, but Steph gets sent packing, and Laura walks off, happy in the knowledge that she will probably be gone next week.

Steph makes a speech about learning and growing and being blessed with opportunity and taking the positive away with her and then some more about learning and growing. It’s so rehearsed I almost feel sorry for the girl: imagine being that sure you’re going home that you hire a speechwriter.

Still: yay! She’s gone!

Next up are the boys. Jason rambles a bit about how it was not unanimous and how this competition is all about versatility and they need different styles and how they don’t want to end up with 10 jazz dancers, and so Henry is safe, just like JD was last week, because he’s a token ‘not-jazz’ dancer.

Jason then adds that Henry is also good. Which is more than he could say about JD last week.

So it’s down to Anthony who makes me sleepy, and Marko, who would probably be lovely if he wasn’t lumped with a dead weight as a partner. I suddenly realize that Marko is screwed either way: If he gets booted, he’s booted. If he doesn’t, he’s dancing with Laura next week – and I start to think that it’s best if he just gets booted and then goes out and finds himself a nice, talented girl to dance with.

And so he does. It’s the wrong call, really, because Anthony is boring and hasn’t got anywhere to go, while Marko could potentially do so much more. But it’s probably best for everyone.

And that’s it, except for a note that Steph appeared in MX this week saying that Jason was acting like the mean judge and obvoiously had it in for her, and that all the dancers still in the competition this week have commented about being sad and shocked that Marko went home, and exactly 0 of them have had anything to say about Steph.

Life’s a bitch, eh?

So you get something out of this being so late after all! See you next week (or … this week, depending on whether your calendar starts on a Sunday or a Monday …)!

The SESA Mailbag #2

2008-03-02T08:52:00.003+11:00

Dear Lee Aronsohn,

I'm not sure if you're the right person to talk to about this but I have some queries about your show Two And A Half Men, and there doesn't seem to be a definitive 'guy' to contact about the show. If you aren't the 'guy', can you pass this on to the 'guy'? Thanks.

Firstly, I'm wondering who came up with that there annoying theme song - if I can call an acapella group singing 'men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men' for 45 seconds a theme song and not just an aural assault on your audience? It's incredibly annoying - and obviously whoever thought of it thought they were much cleverer than they actually are.

Although, actually a teeny bit cleverer that the fool who heard it and decided that a refrain of 'meeeen!' should be inserted between each scene.

Yeah, I know. It's a show about men, and so the theme song is about men. But it would have been much cleverer and less offensive it the theme song was 'men men me-'

Get it? Two and a half men! And over in a heartbeat, resulting in a greatly reduced annoyancy quotient.

Secondly, I am confused as to why the 'man' who isn't Charlie Sheen keeps talking about women.

Isn't he gay? I always assumed he was gay. Isn't that the whole point of the show - guy loses wife and gets gay brother to move in and help raise cute kid?

If he's not gay, why did you cast Jack McFarland's less charismatic twin for the role? And - more importantly - if he's not gay, what's the difference between your show and - oh, I don't know - My Two Dads? Where's the 'modern-day twist on the standard sitcom format'? Why do you even have a show?

Finally (because I don't think even you can explain to me how Charlie Sheen went from tolerable film actor in such cheesy 80's awesomeness as Major League and Men At Work to boring, squinty sitcom star, so I won't even bother) - I have some problems with the 'half'.

Now, you've done a lot of sitcom work - you wrote for Who's the Boss?, for heavens sake - so I'd assume that you know the 'children=cute' rule. You must know that the whole point to children in sitcoms is to add cuteness. We want sacchrine sweet. We want adorable. We want a catchphrase. Most of all, we want 'awwww'. That is what children are there for.

Which is why this was a very risky casting decision. Sure, he seems to bring the cute. I can picture dorky one-liners coming out of that mouth, and I can even picture 'awwwing' them. But unless you're going into this show assuming you'll only get the one season, it's really worth rewatching The Wonder Years and taking note of what happened to adorable little Fred Savage before you make the final call.

Otherwise four years later you end up with this.

And, you know, it's ok for your regular viewers. They know. They know that he was once adorkable and now we're watching a particularly painful adolescence play out on screen. But us casual viewers just end up scratching our heads.

'Hang on, wasn't the kid on this show supposed to be cute? I swear I watched this show once and the kid was cute. What is that?'

But on the other hand, you're obviously all very lovely people. Less lovely people would have traded him in for a cuter, younger model.

It's too bad your show is still really crap.

Yours,

Chesty LaRue

Top 18: So you think we can show some love around here?

2008-02-26T06:02:00.004+11:00

Lets get this out of the way: The Aus version just isn't up there with S2 and 3 of the US version. But S1 in the States wasn't all that crash-hot either guys... Let's just go with the flow and take our pleasure where we can. This post brought to you by that rare and elusive creature, the positive Actonb.

Performance Show

Oooh - bouncey dancey walk, and we're into it! I may be sad squealy fangirl, but I just don't care - there's something about the bouncey dancey walk that gives me excited goosebumps. So there.

Nat's got a lovely shiny dress and lovely shiny hair she seems slightly more at ease... Bonnie's dress is ultra cute, but even I'm trying really really hard not to be getting over her super! positive! comments. Focus on the dress. Pretty. Ahh.... that's better. Fire bad, Dress pretty.

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First up: Kate and Hilton doing the Foxtrot. Jason Gilkisson is doing more reinventing of the wheel by bringing the Foxtrot into the now. Or, like, something. It involves a chair. And not so much of the foxtrotting.
In choreo, they both seem a little lost, and Hilton's skin is just awful... why can't Marcia's husband do the same trick for Hilton that he did for Benji in Oz Idol? Poor baby... Mind you, I've been looking of photos of my 18 year-old self recently, and hoo, bad skin really is the curse of adolescence.
Anyway, moving right along to the actual dance. They're dancing to Kylie's 'Two Hearts'. This is important, or at least it must be seeing as it's one of only three tracks actually announced on tonight's show. There's this funky 20's vibe going on, so I'm not sure where Kylie fits in as she's neither funky nor flapper, but whatevs... For once the prop was actually used all the way through the dance... I liked it - Kate seemed really confident and fluid and strong, but poor Hilton just seemed like another prop - he was lit really badly, and I didn't even realise his shirt was blue until the judging...

Matt has three words for them: elegant, sexy, sleek. yay! The boy can count! Bonnie thinks that Hilton was constrained by the foxtrot, the genre didn't allow him to do his tricks and so it wasn't tight enough... Jason has a little moment in which he declares his undying love for the Other Jason due to his ability to screw up perfectly good modern ballroom routines. He then says that Kate owned the routine, which she totally did. I think Kate is my new fave.

Not so much on my fave's list are Camilla and Sermsah. They're excited about doing Hip Hop. I'm kinda not so much excited. We have another little crisis of confidence for Sermsah, another little 'Buck Up Little Camper' from Camilla, and then they're on the stage in full Convict-On-The-Run gear. Which is a nice little follow-up to their cat burglar narrative from last week, but still, a bit um, cheesy? Actually, I've decided the whole damn routine was cheesy. And lame. There are some good tricks, and they're both putting lots of effort into it, but it does nothing for me... I feel I've seen so much damn hip hop over the last couple of years, it needs to be done really well to interest me. Also, I'm noting unison issues...

Matt reckons that the genre isn't kind to either of them and that Sermsah is too out of control. Bonnie waffles. Jason says that Sermsah should STFU about deserving to be in the comp. Ha! And then he points out their Unison Issues - Double Ha!

Jason is awesome - he is so constructive and detailed in his critique. And so honest. And I am completely in love with him. I just wish I didn't need to see as much of his chest. I mean, it's a lovely chest and all, but I'm more interested in his brain...

Next up are Kassy and Graeme doing some contemporary lyrical. And in a startling break from tradition it will be about... dreams and memories of a tortured love affair. Oh yay.
In choreo, they're both whinging about lifts. How terribly dangerous they are, blah blah blah... Have none of these people actually watched the show before?
They're dancing to the Ray Charles version of Yesterday and Kassy is wearing another stupid baby doll dress. I think they're catering to a demographic here... There's lots of typically contemp moves in here, lots of tortured expressions, lots of throwing themselves around the stage. Some of the lifts are good, but it kinda leaves me cold. I'm such a hard-hearted bitch, even when in Super! Positive! mode...

Matt gets all excited about the routine being dangerous... but in a good way. Bonnie waffles. Like, even more than usual. Jason continues to be awesome, stating that the routine was laboured and the landings were too hard and it sucked. Well he didn't go that far, but you could tell he thought it...

Continuing with the Aus version obsession with stupid dance genres, Stephanie and Marko are about to discover Swap. It's supposedly a mash-up of Swing and Hip Hop, but seriously guys, WTF?
They head off to choreo to discover what it's all about... I think they're not necessarily convinced. And then Steph had a negative block. I think that's a dance euphemism for dirty great temper tantrum.
And, oh my goodness, I thought the costumers would be nice after last weeks atrocious punk jive, but this week they've outdone themselves. They look like shite. It's like they took the idea from Sara and Pasha's funky 80s routine and then, I don't know... gave it to the work experience kid? Who took it to her local Supre outlet for inspiration? Utterly shithouse. Is the polite way of describing how they look.
But at least it distracts from the fact that the entire routine is shithouse... laboured and lacking in energy and Steph obviously still isn't over her negative block.

Matt agrees - he says it was wishy washy and all over the shop. Even Bonnie can't say anything nice about it... Jason says that Steph got left behind, that she got outdanced and that he reckons they'll be Bottom 3. So Steph decides to back chat, telling Nat that dancing's actually all about fun and letting go and listening to the music. Which earns her an awesome slapdown from Jason, who corrects her - dancing's about getting the Choreo right. HEEEEE!

Anthony and Laura are up next, doing a some Disco. Woo! More whinging about the lifts. Anthony muses that the lifts are out to get him, and wonders what it would be like to twirled about in the air. Anthony's an idiot. Which he proves by commenting that they're going to need to 'bring it' when dancing disco in front of Jason and Bonnie, because that's their era... Hee! Like I said: Idiot.
But he does look good in a body shirt... I'll give him that. Laura seems lacklustre, despite the sparkliness of her dress. And the bizarre flesh-coloured undies - she looks like a naked barbie doll - not anatomically correct in any way. I mean, she doesn't even do the chest shake with any conviction. And Anthony, for all his vaunted upper-body definition, really can't get the hang of the lifts...

Matt thinks it was very cool. Bonnie thinks, having lived through the 70s, that their dancing was authentic... Jason takes umbrage at Anthony's comment - but he was only just born in the 70s!!! And he agrees with me that Laura didn't hit it. That's because Jason and I are soulmates...

Rhiannon and JD get to try out some Contemporary Jazz... and ooh! I wasn't expecting JD to have such well-defined arms. He's built.

*Changes mind about JD*

*Is totally shallow*

We're not actually given the narrative behind this routine, but it's very fast, it's to Breath by The Prodigy and Rhiannon has this Helena-Bonham-Carter-on-crack thing going on. It's quite Tim Burton-esque which would normally be enough to endear me, but I dunno... maybe it's because I'm watching this at 4:30am (See? Commitment!) but it does nothing for me... and it has a really flat ending.

Matt thinks that JD was too laid back. Bonnie does another bit of pointless waffle before lamenting that they had to learn a new technique and that's so hard on them... FOR GOODNESS SAKE WOMAN it's the fecking competition. They ALL have to do it. Grrr.....

Demi and Jack are going to have to *shock* *Horror* learn a new genre when they pick Samba.
They're both a little uncertain about it, but throw themselves into the choreo, with only a little whinging about the damn lifts.
When they appear on stage there's a massive reaction: Demi is so damn gorgeous in a red tassley bra and wispy black skirt. And heels. They do a great job, it's a cute samba. I'm going to assume Jack was good, seeing as I don't think I looked at him once. I was mesmerised by the transformation in Demi...

Matt's talking garbage - I think all the red tassles went to his head, all he can blurt out is 'sexy sexy sexy'... hee. Bonnie I'm guessing probably waffled, seeing as I don't remember what she said. Jason applauds them for embracing the challenge and embracing the genres. He rocks.

Jemma and Rhys get to do Jazz, which makes Rhys very happy and Jemma kinda... less so. The choreographer is Michael - one of the guys who got through to Top 100 but bombed. It's supposed to be a sexy dracula thing, and has Jemma glad that her nan won't be in the live audience. Aw, bless. Sometimes you forget that these are only chilluns - Jemma's only 19.
They're dancing to INXS - it's not announced, but hey, even I know this track... And once again I was hooked by these two - they dance so well together. It was such a different vibe to the waltz, but they still have a great connection.

The judges didn't like it. They didn't think it was polished. Pfft. Who cares what they think...

Poor poor Vanessa and Henry - they pull their dance style out of the bucket and it's Animation Hip Hop. The poor babies have NO idea what this means... neither does anyone in the viewing public. The choreographer is Nacho Pop though, and when he finds out who's he's teaching HE gets all sad as well... HEE!!! It's basically stop start popping and whatnot. I think. To a very bizarre track that would be otherwise impossible to dance to. Vanessa has an ever-so mild breakdown. If I didn't dislike her so intensely I would feel vaguely sorry for her. But contrast her tears with Henry's stoicism and purpose... silly bint.
LaRue would have been very disappointed at the lack of Henry Hips, because they're all covered up in a green boiler suit. They're both in boiler suits with blank masks on, and y'know... it's pretty good. I didn't lose interest, I was intrigued... and I was impressed with Henry. He just ripped it. Total commitment to the genre. Way to go!

Matt gets that the genre was understated but incredibly difficult. Bonnie, well you know, she waffles. And then commits a major mistake by asking Vanessa a bloody question. Please peoples, don't let the girl speak... she's doing my head in! Jason was impressed by Henry and his versatility. He also thought Vanessa was going to be crap, but thought she did OK.

Results Show

Group dance starts off with Sermsah doing his patented lizard/snake/generic reptile thang and then everyone else bounces on stage doing some bizarre primitive tribal routine. There's frills, there's tousled hair, there's face paint. It's OK, but nothing special. In fact it kinda reminds of some high school musical routine.

Whoops! It was a Matt Lee routine! Says it all really...

Oh yay for Nat - she's got cute hair and a cute dress and a genuine smile. The girl is getting there.

You know, I've discovered that if you're not watching this live, the results show can be viewed in like 15 minutes... it rocks! No filler!

Demi & Jack, Camiila & Sermsah and Kassy & Graeme are the first up to receive the judgement. And it's Kassy and Graeme who are bottom 3.

Then we have Steph & Marko, Rhys & Jemma and Henry & Vanessa... Steph looks utterly petrified. Like she's about to receive a death sentence. It's very funny. It's even funnier when she finds out she's safe. In fact, all the couples are safe... whoa, tricky Nat!

The last three couples are Hilton & Kate, Anthony & Laura and Rhiannon & JD. Straight up Hilton & Kate are told they're bottom 3. And then Rhiannon & JD join them. Rhiannon looks shocked. And pissed. Heh.

DFTL:
Kassy's was kinda fun, but heavily focused on the butt-shaking.
Graeme was all over the stage and very energetic.
Kate, poor lamb, seemed so frantic and desperate, with a bizarre fixed grin on her face.
Hilton managed to misjudge his start but still squeezed lots of tricks into his 45 seconds. And seemed a little more relaxed at the same time.
Rhiannon did something dancey I guess...
JD was funky and chilled and I liked it.

As well as the dancers constantly whinging abut lifts, I'm kinda getting over the judges whinging about, well, judging. Get over yourself guys! But at least Jason had the guts to call the dancers on their crap solos...

Super Special Guest this week is Guy Sebastion and his band. They're cool, but I'm tired.

The judges are back and poor Jason is in a bit of a pickle, the big softy. Anyway, they send Kassy home, based soley on her bum-waggling solo. This seems to come as a shock to the poor girl.

Even more of shock is delivered when Hilton is told he's going home. The audience goes nutso... but it's because apparently he doesn't 'embody the genres' or some equally wanky dancespeak.

Cue shots of shocked and appalled and easily distressed dancers...

Hee!

Top 20 show - part 1

2008-02-21T15:55:00.004+11:00

*** This is just the first part of the recap which is already horrendously late. I've had a shocker of a week, sorry.****

Super Excitement!

Major girly squealing!

The culmination of all my hopes and dreams! OK, maybe not, but this moment, when we have our Top 20 doing their patented bouncey-dance out onto the stage to that signature tune... priceless!

and.... it's all downhill from here.

Bugger.

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Nat scrubs up ok, but she's channeling Our Libby - from the massive puffy hair to the zoned out expression and the weird squishing-effect eye make-up. I'm not digging it. I know there's a pretty and vaguely personable host under there, but she seems to be MIA.

and so we cross to The Judges - no playful take on a random Brummie accent, just The Judges. And I really hope at some point during this show I'll stop comparing it to the US version, but it's not looking good... There is a forcedness about the banter between Nat and The Judges - Nat's affectation in calling Bonnie 'Miss Bonnie' and 'Miss Bonnie Bling' is a case in point.

Although to be fair, Bonnie is all blinged out in a horrible bronze glomesh kinda way... and displaying her tuck shops arms for all the world to see - sending me scurrying for the weight machine.

Eh - It's early days yet...

First couple is Rhiannon and JD and they're doing Hip Hop. We get the usual background story and discover she's 18 and from Minto - so the 'hamster dancing' shots are filmed in front of a heavily graffitied wall. Coz things are tough down in the SW.

But not as tough as in Manilla, where JD woke up one morning, 4 years old and abandoned by his parents - now that's a sob story! He's now 26 and based in Melbs...

They turn up for their choreo and MY GOD! The 'v' on Rhiannon is even more pronounced. It's just... so wrong. I'm watching the screen through my fingers, positive that we're about to stray into totally non-family-friendly territory.

The dance itself - to Kiss Kiss - is OK - bouncey and energetic - JD is awesome, so laid back and really hitting it - Rhiannon just seems to be waving her hair around in an overly aggressive manner.

The judges start as they obvious mean to continue:

Matt reckons it was a great way to start the show, all positive and woohoo! go us!
Bonnie is still relishing her place in the limelight - overly and annoyingly upbeat - with just a dash of inappropriate maternalism
Jason apparently actually watched the dance, so was able to critique it effectively - commenting on their issues with unison.

And then the mugging - we never got to see this aspect of the US show and My Goodness it's painful... why can't they just smile sweetly at the camera while the voting number is displayed, what's with the shoe phone and the finger phone and the damn amateur dramatics?! Grrr....

Next up is Courtney who is extremely excited to be paired with Hilton, and also to be doing some Lyrical Jazz. How this is different from normal Jazz, I have no idea.
Courtney's 23 and from St Kidla and considers herself an extremist - because she gets so very emotional about things dontcha know!
Hilton is 18 and we heard all about his sob story in the auditions.. but we get it rehashed for us again. And we also learn that his parents are from Haiti. And that he loves to dance. At Bondi.

At choreo, they learn that it's all about Romeo and Juliet and then we get lovely random shots of Hilton being cranky and then compaining about Courtney's technique being somewhat lacking... hee!

I have no idea what they're dancing to - for some reason Channel 10 feels we need not to know - but whatever it is, I ain't digging Hilton's Harry High (GOLDEN!) Pants... they're somewhat of a distraction and for all the wrong reasons.
It's all very tortured, as you'd expect with a Romeo and Juliet theme... it looks like contemp to me, but that's because I am not versed in the finer details of Dance Classification. According to me, If they spend a large proportion of the dance writhing on the floor, it's contemp. You ain't fooling anyone with this 'lyrical' malarky.

And then Hilton stuffs up the Big Lift. Oh No!
Now Matt reckons that Courtney's likeable, which can only mean that he's not watching the same show as me... but then in a sublime backhanded compliment tells her she's very good at faking her technique...
Bonnie blathers. I've tuned her out already.

Vanessa's next. She's 23. She's beautiful, as we keep being told. She also has a voice that does the whole fingernails-on-a-chalkboard thing to me. Plus it's mostly delivered at a whine too, which makes it even worse.
Henry is 22 and has a propensity for dancing in the middle of zebra crossings, irritating Sydney drivers in the process - not something I'd recommend.

Their salsa is very good - Henry is an incredibly strong salsa dancer, and he is able to partner Vanessa really well. She looks a little lost, and kinda clunky and lumpy. She doesn't go with the flow of the music so much. Matt thinks it was a very exciting routine and then gets a gold star in stating the obvious, pointing out that Henry is actually a salsa dancer...

Camilla gets matched with Sermsah to do some Musical Theatre, which I'm guessing is 'Broadway' for the ignorant Aussie audience...

I'm going to skip their intros because they were boring: Camilla taps, Sermsah sits on a rock.

But they are both super ultra excited about doing an Adam Williams routine to Big Spender!

I really loved this routine, even with the stuffed-up lift - Camilla just rocked it. She was so confident in a cat suit, strutting around, all her movements exaggerated... and the narrative was cute too. And they danced well together.
During the judge's critiques I realise that the dancers here on the aus version are so damn back chatty - they have to have their 2 cents worth - no yes ma'am, no ma'am like in the US. I think I miss that... even though Camilla is surprisingly articulate in support of her partner.

Jemma draws her 'random' dance style from the hat to find that she'll be doing the waltz - with Rhys.

And what a waltz it is! So amazing that I am quite prepared to forgive the Celine Bloody Dion... It starts off with no music at all, then slowly builds till they're floating around the floor, barefoot. It's just beautiful, and Rhys is such a fresh-faced cutie when he loses the green eye make-up! He muscles up the waltz, partnering really well, and with such a connection with Jemma. Just gorgeous.

Jason agrees, declaring it his fave routine so far..

SYTYCD Top 100 Part 2: So You Think You Can Guess The Top 20*?

2008-02-15T07:19:00.003+11:00

And so we meet again. I'm not as good as this as MissB, but ever so grateful for the opportunity. So settle in, grab yourself a cup of tea or coffee or whatever and get comfy. It was a looooong night. And if you haven't done so, don't forget to scroll down and read AB's recap of Top 100 Part 1 FIRST. Or you'll be all spoilered and shit by the time you get to it, and we don't want that (just another reason you've got to click 'read the rest' to get to the good stuff).

So we start ... once again ... with a big exciting opening. Set to the young divas. Is it Flashback? Is it preview? Who knows? Who cares? 'Time To Step Up' flashes across the screen and we get some grabs of exciting things that maybe the judges are going to say tonight. Except they don’t. But we don’t know that yet. I hope that they only do this opening one more time – at the start of the first dancing episode – and then they give it away. It’s ok, show, we get it.

The credits roll and as Nat does her obligatory opening to-camera, I figure out what her problem is: she’s an actor, not a presenter. She seems to need a way to play these rather cheesy and meaningless lines, and today she’s chosen to play them as though the camera has just broken up with her, and she’s trying to win it back. Earnest. Odd.

So ... now it's time for a quick recap of Top 100 week so far. This show loves it’s recaps. And then we pick up where we left off: halfway through the group dance task. Which, yes, is a kind of odd point to leave off, but anyways.

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First up tonight is Josh’s group. Well, it’s not really HIS group but in the spirit of storyline each group segment focuses on one member of the group and ignores the rest. It’s annoying, but whatevs.

We all remember Josh, don’t we? He auditioned with his friend Seony, and they both got through to Sydney. Unfortunately Seony got cut in the pree top-100 cull they don’t tell you about but they couldn’t show Josh’s original audition without showing Seony so they’ve had to make up an excuse for why we haven’t seen him since couldn’t make it to top 100 week, so it’s just Josh carrying the torch for the two of them.

Josh struggled with his group, because they’re all better than him, so they learned the routine really quickly and went to bed, leaving him all alone.

The routine is ok, I suppose. It’s to a Mika song so it’s a bit Jazzy. For some reason most of the groups are split 4/1 along gender lines so all the performances end up being some variation of the 4 dancing around the 1 – which gets a bit Beyonce video, really.

Josh gets cut. He's witty and clever but not very good. The girls all make it through.

Next up is JD’s group – and we get JD’s sob story for the first time: he woke up when he was 4 to find his parents missing and then he got Australian parents who he thought were the tallest people on earth. I really wanna snark but the way he tells it, it’s kinda cute (the tall people thing, not the abandoned thing) and he gets points for not bringing it up in the Auditions.

Anyway, he's got a 4 guy/1 girl group and they're dancing contemporary to some slow thing. It's ... ok. Still ... it's four guys dancing around one girl and they each get a go getting all close-up with her while the others do some slow contempo stuff off to the side. JD does well, for a hip-hopper, but I'm more concerned about the red streak in Broadway Jack's hair. It ... totally kills him for me.

Matt says he's been called an ice-block because nothing moves him, but they moved him. Jason says JD was 100% the character he was playing and he could feel it and they could feel that ... in Adelaide, that's how strong the emotion was. I wonder about the poor people in Perth, who maybe couldn't feel it. Or Darwin. Cairns even. JD’s leaving out half the country here.

The girl in the group – Jemma - pipes up with 'JD was awesome and he's awesome and I loved dancing with him and all the guys'. Kelly says JD makes her cry, and they all get through.

Back from the break, Natalie is all breathy and recaps what's been happening, in case we missed it, which we didn’t so we don’t care.

Next group is Camilla and some boys, who are dancing to 'Express Yourself' by rather infamous gangsta rap godfathers NWA. The boys in her group decided on a hip hop routine. She's pissy. She's wearing a hood. She's badmouthing her group.

The routine is a bit ... cheesy. It reminds me of those wannabe b-boys you went to high-school with on Talent night.

Kelly asks who decided to do hip-hop – because, uh, well, apparently I’m the only person who hears ‘Express Yourself’ by NWA and immediately thinks ‘hip-hop’ (me and the boys in Camilla’s group, maybe). Camilla dobs in BJ and Carlo and says she thought there were too many cooks and she went into her hole. Bonnie asks her if she felt like she couldn't do as well as she should because of the choreo. She's all 'yeah, I said that to them. I said it was good but it's not 'that' (complete with hand motion) and then she tears up because she wanted 'that' (repeat hand motion) and she had to dance all hard and blah blah fishcakes. Maybe the boys voted her down but I didn't see much creative input from her into the routine so maybe she should just shut up and stop with the badmouthing the rest of her group?

Anyway, they all get through.

Next up, Henry's group. And he's got two girls and three boys and he's tired at 4.30 in the morning. And also has bad skin, it seems. We don't see much of their routine but it's sort of contempo with those Latinny hip-thrusty wiggly things. Gianne, Graeme and, of course, Henry get through. One of two random girls, Ellen, gets cut. The other random, Ella, goes through.

The next group obviously don't have anyone worthy of paying attention to – or maybe they all got on great or something - but they do a bog-standard hip-hop routine to Hook Me Up by The Veronicas. Jason cuts some girl I've never seen before who apparently entered the competition as his favourite - but not so favourite that they gave her any screen time. At the very end of his little spiel, he uses her name, so now I can cross ‘Eliza’ off my list … not that she was ever on it.

And I have to say that I'm loving that the judges like to use peoples names a lot, and not only that, but they don't mumble them. They say them clearly – so clearly that it’s almost like they want the people recapping at home actually get a name to write down, instead of just a vague description. Joy!

Which is what the rest of that group get to feel as they go through. Joy! Yay!

Next group is Anthony's. Their routine is … bippy. It features a cross-stage cartwheel-athon that Matt says reminds him of a Fizzy comp. Damn, I knew I was missing out when I wasn't allowed to do Fizzy.

Bonnie cuts a random pretty boy and doesn't give me his name. Everyone else gets through.

Next up - Michael's group. Remember Michael? He flubbed his first audition but got straight through to the top 100 based on his upper-body muscle definition, and ever since everyone’s been pretending that that obviously 40-something face belongs on someone 35 or under.

He choreographs a contemporary/hip/latin routine. But poor ballroom dancer Matthew - remember him, the one that didn’t want to be dragged down by his partner - is struggling with the different styles. Diddums.

The routine itself is to Bjorks 'Venus as a boy'. And let me just say, that while this is a bit of a homage (I'm being generous) to one of the US SYTYCD group dances, it's kinda cool. And it's actually costumed. And Michael is showing off that defined upper body, so I’m happy. That's a lovely six-pack.

Matt gets cut. Everyone watching cheers. He cries for the camera and we cheer a bit more. We would cheer even more if Michael – or random other from the group – asked that Matt’s performance not be judged in any way as indicative of the group as a whole, because he was obviously the weakest one. But no-one does.

Matt’s crying so Nat goes over to comfort him and MrL points out that it wouldn't be so bad to get cut on this show if you get a cuddle from the girl with the boobs. I slap him, and then look over and ... ew ... as Matt buries his face in Nat's shoulder and – the slime - he's actually grinning.

It's now 6.30pm and we're down to the last group, who are exhausted! Except that if you consider that all the groups got their songs presumably between about 11 and 11.30 last night, and then had to go back to the hotel, make up a routine and learn it to perform today, this group has had something like nine extra hours on the first group. That’s a whole nights sleep and then some, so while they’ve been here all day and they’re probably a little over it, I don’t really feel sorry for them.

The star of this segment is Samantha from Tasmania, which unfortunately means we get to see a recap of her original audition which she chose to do in a bra, undies and a full-length fishnet body stocking thing. It's about fifteen hundred different flavours of wrong, especially given she's dancing to some bad 80's metal track.

Anyway, they're doing a routine about death, because everyone in the group had a family member die recently. It's actually good and I have to say when Sermsah (who is in this group but surprising not the star of the piece) isn't having a pity party, he moves rather beautifully. Samantha, on the other hand, is clunky.

The judges love it. Sermsah gets through. Samantha gets cut.

And now 50 dancers remain. It's solo time. Natalie is telling us all dramatically that this is their last chance. They're all going to dance for their lives.

Which happens ... now. Yes. Fifty solos (or ... 48 solos and one duo) get squished into the space of exactly one minute and two seconds, to the tune of ‘Don’t Hold Back’ by The Potbelleez (who I hate … and not just because they pluralise with a Z). Not surprisingly, it's a montage of twists and turns and bendy bits and backflips. And then it's over. Ok. And half an hour into the show ... it's verdict time.

Is it just me or does it seem like giving an hour over to verdicts is a bit excessive? Really, they could have thought this out better and - I don't know - not done half the groups last night and half tonight, because that was just clunky, but just done them all tonight, or maybe even given the solo dances more than sixty two seconds of screentime?

Anyway ... everyone thinks it’s overnight deliberation time but no! There's a shock announcement and Nat reads out the names of 18 people who have to go back in and face the judges right away. The eighteen get spilt into two groups of nine. One group features Courtney, Rhys, Will and Nicki. The other features ... one of those three hip-hoppers from Cairns. Remember them? No. Me neither. Guess which group gets cut. No, go on - guess!

Some of those random cuttees get interviews, but I have no idea who they are, and they’ve been cut and so I don’t care.

And after the break: verdicts. Which begin with some rather stages arguing over polaroids. Just so we know this wasn’t an easy decision and the judges didn’t always agree

The verdicts themselves are delivered in this baig hall. Each dancer walks down a row of spotlights and gets to watch themselves dance on some big screens while awaiting their fate. While we wait, we get some interviews. Ooh. Some people are nervous. Some are excited. No, not predictable at all. Really.

And it begins: Csaba gets cut. Someone called Brenda who I have never ever ever seen before gets cut. A blonde ballet dancer called Andrew gets cut. BJ gets cut, and he's run out excuses so this time it sticks. He's learned a lot from the process, he says. Good.

Next up is Sermsah and he gets the full flashback treatment, from first Audition right through, so of course he gets into the Top 20. Which is awesome, really, because he seems to have found some confidence and it's adorable and when they tell him he cries and ... I wiffle a bit. Or, I would, if they hadn't chosen that DAMN JOHN MAYER SONG to celebrate with. It breaks me out of any emotion and just makes me a bit angry.

Kassie is next and she gets the full-flashback treatment too, complete with footage from home. Bonnie is all 'you come across really cold, if you want Australia to love you, you have to give them everything, and ... you didn't. *Pause* But you will do because you're through!!!' Nice fake-out Bonnie. If only the home footage hadn’t given you away.

Carlo is next. He gets full-flashback, including a touching scene with his sister. He's awesome. He's entertaining. Jason asks him if he thinks he can win. He says he can. Jason applauds his confidence and then cuts him. Harsh.

Stephanie and Henry get to go in together. Stephanie wants them both to have the same verdict - but I'm sure only if it's a yes. And it is. Aw. The Top 20 has ballroom.

After the break, more random interviews. Everyone is surprised by the results. Everyone is confused. Everyone is ... again ... predictable.

Next up Brendan and Jemma. Brendan's 35. He reminds us. They get a full-flashback too, but only Jemma gets through. And it's the first time I've really heard her speak and girlfriend sounds DUMB. She uses the word 'so' and 'like' more than ... me. And she's devastated for Brendan. Because he's old. He's 35. He doesn't get another chance. He's too old. It's so hard. He's so good, and he tried so hard, and it was his last shot. It's so sad. Blah. Shut up Jemma. Actually, it’s too late. I’ve heard to speak and it’s forever tainted you for me. Now all I see when I look at your face is dumb.

Khaly and his piercings get through. And when we see his solo, I get it. He's speechless. And now he explains that he has a stutter. I guess he forgot to bring that up BEFORE the verdict got read out, but I’m thinking he should have saved it for Australia. We love a good sub story.

Some other Stephanie who I've only seen in the odd ad gets cut. And then some girl called Rhiannon is up. I've not really seen her before. Bonnie thinks she's a bundle of trouble … for the rest of the dancers. Because she's in the top 20. Ok, Bonnie. 1 fake-out: ok. 2 fake-outs: we're catching on. Bonnie calls Rhiannon their little secret, and I assume they mean their secret from us, which is why she’s through to the Top 20 desipte me having no idea who she is.

I don't have any idea who Kate is either – and they do much in the way of explanation no either - but she's in the Top 20. Broadway Jack gets through too. And so does Camilla. Everyone cheers. Some blonde from South Australia is also through. I have to look her up because they didn’t give me her name. It’s Sarah. She’s the sole South Australian. Wasn’t the blonde South Australian from Idol last year also called Sarah?

After the break we get complaining about the waiting. It's after midnight. My idea: go home. No-one's forcing you to stay. Duh. In fact, the people next to you would probably be thrilled if you went home.

Then Anthony gets through and sommersaults out of the room in joy. Michael and his nice little muscles get the full-flashback treatment but he still gets cut and some guy who was awesome in Auditions then fell apart in Top 100 gets cut. Thank you Matt, for reminding me of his name when you cut him. See ya, Lucas.

Gianne then gets cut. And some other guy gets cut, and Jason doesn't give me his name, but he's cut, so who cares?

Hilton gets through after Bonnie's third fake-out for the night. This time it's the classic 'I'm sorry ..... but you're in the top 20' but it doesn’t really work because, you know Bonnie: 3 fake-out and you may as well just give up. His girlfriend Jess gets cut and he's SO nice about it and he carries her out into the carpark and it's so sweet ... Stupid show breaking up couples.

Is it bad that I keep wanting to call Hilton 'Cedric'?

After the break, Natalie proves she can't count by telling her there are only five boy spots left.

And JD gets one of them. Jason says he 'rocks'. Ok. Missing out in quick succession (or maybe I got bored) were Luke, Mack - which makes me unhappy because he seemed like a sweeeeeeeetie - Sid, some random unnamed Asian fellow in a baseball cap, and a random Asian girl who wasn't the ballerina with the annoying voice.

Demi is up next and she gets the full-flashback (minus Nicki, who it seems is no longer her girlfriend) and they put her in the top 20 by telling her to sign ‘I’m in the Top 20’ into the camera for her deaf sister. It’s actually really cute and I’m a little teary. Then they cut to Carlo waiting for her to come out. He hears her screaming and his face just … goes. It’s awesome. I’m a mess.

Or, I would be if I cried at this shit.

Then Graeme, Vanessa (the Asian Ballerina with the voice) and some random blonde guy who I have to later look up and whose name, for the record, is Marko get through.

And suddenly we’re down to our last two spots. It’s Will v Rhys and Nicki v Courtney. Good vs. Evil. Nasty vs. Nice. Arrogant vs. Less so. Fug vs just misguided. It’s … all … down … to … this.

First up, the boys. The judges ask Rhys what Will has that he doesn’t. Rhys says that Will can tap, and he can only pretend-tap. Then the judges ask Will what he has that Rhys doesn’t, and he says he’s more mature, then considers that that might sound arrogant, so adds that Rhys is still a good dancer and … has a wonderful personality. Huh? Anyway, Will gets cut and I cheer and whoop for a bit. Jaosn tells Rhys that he’s taken risks his whole life and he’s very brave and he goes against the grain and that takes strength and Rhys just tears up and then asks if he can hug all the judges. And it’s … aw. Sweet. Rhys can stay, so long as I never have to see that Green eyeshadow ever again.

And then it’s Courtney and Nicki. Courtney tells us that the two of them are different. And that they look different. Because television is apparently no longer a visual medium, I thank her for that. Anyway, because they obviously can’t let one as hated as Nicki go through, she gets cut, and while she tries to hide the scowl, she fails. At least she won’t be able to push Demi around this time to make herself feel better. Courtney cries. But I don’t.

So there you have it Australia: YOUR top 20, as voted by three and a half judges.

Anthony, Camilla, Courtney, Demi, Graeme, Henry, Hilton, JD, Jack, Jemma, Kassie, Kate, Khali, Marko, Rhiannon, Rhys, Sarah, Sermsah, Stephanie and Vanessa. W00t!

Next week: the real fun begins.

*Here's a hint, it's not that hard.

SYTYCDA Top 100 #1

2008-02-15T06:20:00.001+11:00

Top 100 week - and Nat's still standing in that harsh Sydney Sun, still looking kinda awkward, poor dear.

And keeping with the theme that this is not merely a dance competition, but their very Reason For Being, the hamsters (and I didn't count, but there was probs 100 - La Rue and I call shenanigans there) are told this will be toughest and most intense week of their lives... and when you consider the emotional baggage this particular group of dancers is carrying that's a pretty big call.

This time there's a guest judge, Kelley Abbey. It's kinda refreshing to discover we actually have all this dance talent in the country actually. Cultural Cringe? What?

The dancers all have to learn a new piece of choreo*, then perform it - if they get three 'no's' they go home, they get three 'yes's' they go through, they get two 'no's' and two 'yes's' they have to... dumdum dummmmmm Dance For Their Lives. And yes, I'm skipping to the acronym as of.... Now.

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First up is a popping routine from some guy called Nacho Pop. It's pretty tough, but funky, and I'm especially pleased with the vaguely smirky/perplexed look on his face as his demonstrating it.

We get lots of whinging... and a bit of crying. Oh Noes! All the ballerinas can't pop.... And neither, it appears, can a bunch of the B-Peoples.
In a new and dramatic twist, the judges call a bunch of kids up to the stage before they've even performed, and cut them straight away for whinging. No, sorry, not showing the right attitude during rehearsal. Heh.

After the first round, and the following DFTL one-third of the Top 100 have been cut.

Next round is ballroom with Jason Gilkison. He teaches them the cha cha, though it sure doesn't look the same dance as my daughters are learning on Saturday mornings... The dancers are all paired off, with another Cruel! Twist! being that the smug ballroom dancers are all split up. And have to dance with really useless B-Peoples.

This round is a killer - lots of my faves don't get through - and I call shenanigans again when a bunch of ballroom dancers are sent home, even though to my unpractised eye they did great... Sarah, the lovely ex-anorexic doesn't make it, neither does Bessy. They try to send BJ home, but boyfriend has yet more excuses (and one we're going to hear again. and again. and again) Oh! But Miss! I wasn't dancing in my own style.... Grrr....

Demi, Sermsah and BJ all have to DFTL but all get through.

Day 3 ia all about the jazz, baby. And about joy and letting go and feeling groovy... pity it's a freakin' hard routine that sends everyone to the bathroom to cry and throw up.

Oh man! So many tears.....

Nice ironic montage of crying dancers with lots of lovely injuries...

Quite a few more people are cut here - not including Courtney - the random curly-haired female who just totally and utterly loses it during the jazz routine, but still gets through.

Sermsah isn't cut, but has been dealing with 'issues' all day. Issues and exhaustion... but turns out he has a fear of public rejection. And I personally think he's worried he's a token. But he rocks. So completely.

At 11pm, having been dancing ALL DAY, they are then split into groups to go back to hotel and work out their own choreo to a random piece of music.

More angst! More tears! More Channel Ten!

The first group is Will's - and they do a pretty funky routine to some weird-arse version of Pink's 'Get the Party started' - it's pretty good. There are more tears, it's all terribly serious, and then they all get through bar one random white guy who I have never seen before.

The second group has another DWtS alumni - Csaba - first time I've actually seen him. He does this magician/ marionette thing, quite reminiscent of one of the dances on last season. Both he and Courtney get through.

Third group dances to Raspberry Beret. mmmm. Prince. It's Rhys and oh, Nikki. Hey Nikki! I was wondering where you'd got to!
It's so totally camp, with Rhys wearing thigh-high boots and prancing about like... I dunno. Words fail me. The judges don't like it. They all this silly obsession with men dancing like men. Except, strangely enough, Jason, who gives Rhys a pass based on the fact that he was dancing to the music he was given...

The fourth group dance to Bohemian Rhapsody and, while I adore that song, I can understand how utterly crap it would be to choreo.

And that's it. Show suddenly stops, and Miss La Rue will be recapping the remainder of the group dances.

Please make her welcome :)

* Sorry, there is no way in hell I'm going to start calling it Corry. I grew up in the UK. That word has it's own very special meaning and I'm not going to debase it with dance references.

That Mitchell and Webb Look

2008-02-14T11:24:00.002+11:00

Dear ABC,

I heart you.

That Mitchell and Webb Look is LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY.

If I wasn't snickering to myself when the German Army started deconstructing if perhaps they were "the baddies" during World War II, I certainly snorted when I heard the phrase

"Yes, well if there's one thing that we've learned in 1000 miles of retreat it's that the Russian farming industry is in dire need of mechanisation"

I look forward to seeing more surprising adventures of Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar.

I'm not going to deconstruct this in much detail. I'm just reporting my pleased-ness.

Huzzah!

Love,

Gigglewick

PS Dawn French as Vicky Pollard's mother also very amusing.

So What's Josh Schwartz been Up To Then?

2008-02-10T09:00:00.000+11:00

Thanks to the L337 tecknikal knowledge of a certain Miss ActonB - who I believe was schooled in the art of L337 by an even more certain Killer Rabbit - I've finally figured out the fine art of downloading.

And what have I been using these mad skillz for, you may ask? Well, aside from trying to get all those episodes of Ed that I missed due to Channel Ten treating it like whenever filler without enough regular viewers to care if it was on a Thursday one week or a Saturday the next week or a weekday midday the week after - and yes, it's old, and so I really am probably watching a copy someone taped on their *cough* VCR some seven years ago and the picture and sound quality aren't all that awesome but any Ed is better than no Ed and until the networks get their arses into gear and release this awesomeness onto DVD (and the chances of that happening seem to be slimming so fast that even Nicole Richie is jealous) this is going to have to do *sigh* (I love Ed), I've been catching up with some of the new shows that are yet to reach our outdated, antequated Australian shores - or if they have, aren't being made available to the free-to-air viewing public.

And where better to start than with the the new stuff Josh Schwartz is putting out there.

read the rest

Now, we all know who Josh Schwartz is - the son of New York toy inventors who started subsrcibing to Variety at the age of twelve and ended up being the youngest ever creator of a network television show at age 26*. That show was The OC, and it made him rather famous, and also rather hated when it all went a bit pear-shaped in the second and third seasons, and then it made him loved again when Season Four was awesome, but by then it was too late and it made him unemployed.

But not for long - in fact, he began working on two shows, both of which premiered in 'The Fall' over in the US. And both of which I - as a diehard OCite - have been rather curious about for quite a while.

And now I have seen the pilots of both, I'm ready to deliver some verdicts.

First off: Chuck. I wasn't sure about this one, because it's a step away from teen drama, but it's actually really ... adorkable. Everything about it is adorkable. Especially Chuck himself - the twenty-something Nerd Herder who lives with his sister and is still pining for his college girlfriend and who accidentally downloads the entire NSA and CIA databases into his brain (in cool clockwork orange picture form and featuring more pie that one might expect).

Why, yes, dimming the 'but how ...' part of ones brain at the door does help in ones enjoyment of this show. And, yes, it could very easily have been rather bad - and don't think there aren't a fair number of viewers out there that think it was - but I for one loved it. It's cheesy, it's cheeky and it doesn't take itself very seriously at all. But it also has heart - and Chuck (Zachary Levi ... who I've never seen before but who I kinda love a little bit now) is so likeable that it makes all the stupid stuff ... cool.

And there is plenty here that could be stupid: car chases, improbable fight scenes, a token 'hot spy chick' who spends a lot of time in her hotel room in her underwear, a Baldwin - but it's so much fun that I don't care at all.

Plus there's a character called Captain Awesome. And that, my friends, is awesome. The Verdict: Two very enthusiastic thumbs up - fine holiday fun.

Next up, I subjected myself to Gossip Girl. Which isn't really right, because it's hardly a chore watching so many pretty people running around New York being bitchy (unless you're asking me to watch Sex and The City ... because that is painful).

Gossip Girl is - thematically - a lot closer to The OC, and it's therefore a lot harder not to compare the two. This kinda sucks for Gossip Girl, because it lacks a lot of the heart that The OC had. It's also - unfortunately - based on a series of books (kinda like Sweet Valley High meets Famous magazine, or something), meaning it's got a second in-built group of haters right there because - gasp! - it dares to not follow the books to the letter.

Sigh. What would be the fun in that?

So I liked it. It's delightfully soapy. The cast are all pretty and they all get about in pretty clothes and go to pretty parties. And of course there is evil and darkness (mostly in the form of serial attempted-rapist Chuck (because apparently it was decided that every show that premiered on American TV last year had to feature at least one character called Chuck - and that's really why the writers went on strike, but you didn't hear it from me) who is the most despicable character who's graced my TV screen in some time) and lots of Beautiful People Behaving Badly.

It's flawed - the voiceover, while supremely cheesy and adding a lot to the feel of the show, needs a little bit more work, and you can see all the storylines getting way shlocky about halfway through the season - but I'm adding it to my list of Guilty Pleasures.

And despite the fact that I didn't love it as much as Chuck, the soapiness means I'm hanging out for the second episode a little bit more.

So, after seeing both the pilots - I'm seeing a bright future for Mr Schwartz, so long as he doesn't let these shows go the way of The OC. Really, the guy is older and wiser now (he's like ... 31) so there's no reason to think he'll make those juvenile 20-something mistakes all over again.

And if you've seen more than I have and I'm wrong ... please don't tell me. I need something to look forward to in the mostly bleak wasteland that is TV world.

* In other words, he got the life I wanted. Toy inventors? So cool.

It's Gretel, bitch.

2008-02-09T01:36:00.000+11:00

You know, I reckon I would actually watch The Weakest Link again if it had Gretel Killeen in the role as host. As much as I despise it when old game show formats get recycled like this (see: The Price is Right), there aren't too many women on TV who could play a harsh but respectable bitch, in a manner that doesn't come off like a bad pantomime, and I think Gretsky is one of them. Hey, maybe that extra concentrated bitch juice she was chugging in the ad breaks throughout BB07 could actually be an asset to her on-screen persona?

And anyway, I don't believe the show itself is old and boring. I loved the Australian one with Cornelia Frances when it was on, and I have many fond memories of sitting in my lounge room, chiming enthusiastically in with a hearty 'join us again for The Weakest Link... goodbye' at the end of every episode. I also love watching the UK version on UKTV with Anne Robinson as host, who I'm pretty sure could literally castrate any man with just an evil furrow of the eyebrow. So perhaps I'm just really, really lame, and my predilection towards quiz shows has rocketed me into the 65+ age bracket, but I'm actually hoping it will eventuate.

SEAMLESS SEGUE ::>>> complete with theme music and flashing graphics, etc.

I was planning on doing a proper review of Skins, which airs on SBS and is in my opinion the most underrated show on television, but as I can't be arsed right now I will instead just advise you to watch the show while it's still on. Monday, SBS, 10pm. At first I only watched it because I have a YOOOGE crush on Nicholas Hoult, one of the young stars of the show, but I'm really into the other characters right now. As it transpires, my favourite characters are the nerdy Sid and the long suffering but ADORABLE Cassie, while Hoult's character, Tony, is a bit of a jerk who I've come to like less and less as the series continues. Fucking Tony! Why are you such a cheating, sneaky, manipulative arsehole?! But I guess that's just good scriptwriting then, eh?

In any case, I rate this show, and in a time of unprecedented levels of cynicism we should all be grateful that the UK is still exporting shows of this calibre.

Next week's episode, I am aware, follows the storyline of two of the more minor characters, Maxxie and Anwar, the poof and the Muslim, respectively. So watch it, it should be arright for a laff, innit. Safe.

SYTYCDA: Sydney - the Angst capital of Australia

2008-02-07T16:05:00.000+11:00

Sydney - that world-renowned city of sultry sparkliness.

A sparkliness that's just not happening for poor Miss Nat - she look so unsure of herself, standing there in the bright and harsh sunlight at Carriageworks. It's something about her mouth and the way she's concentrating so damn hard that she's squinting at the autocue. That could be the sun too though I guess - but it's doing nothing good for her.

Our first hamster, (or should that be dancing mouse?) is Hilton. He's so ultra-confident of his abilities that he totally reckons he'll be the winner. This is good - arrogance is good but then Oh No! The Angst, the Sob Story, the Journey... The angle this time is that his parents gave up their careers to clean the the dance studio in return for the his lessons. Gah! But when you hear how many lessons he's had, then yeah, it probably would end up evening out in the end - ballet, jazz, tap, bloody everything. He is very good. Very very good. Hip hop + Contemp + a little dash of ballet thrown into the mix. And he dances with his shoes off, then on, then off again - see Lamb? That's how you do the shoe thing gracefully!

The judges go wild and he gets to... stay in Sydney! Yay! Talk about a anti-climax...

read the rest

His girlfriend Jess is up next. The judges think she's holding back, is intimidated by Hilton, is letting the nerves get to her, so she gets to go to choreo...

Now Vanessa (Souffle???? Is that seriously her surname or did I just imagine that?) calls herself a pilates instructor. And she has very good... core muscles. And lots of strength. But a really annoying breathless squeaky voice. Luckily Jason can see past the voice to drool and sigh all over her, which was just the teeniest bit icky. She gets to stay in Sydney as well.

Question: If they're all 'staying' in Sydney, why do they get tickets? Is that a Cityrail pass to Redfern? Coz I don't think it'll fit in the turnstiles...

Cue montage of awesome sydney dancers... Thankfully most of them seem to be contemp - which means less hip hop, which is always a Good Thing. But it would be nice to see more dance styles in there as well.

But maybe not the pussycat doll, pole-dancing, gender-bending style that Albert brings... the bali-born dancer had my daughters utterly confused. Utterly. And totally. 'But, but, Mum...' they said 'He's wearing girl's boots. And jeans. And, and...' Yeah.

More contemporary - with super-extra-tortured facial expressions. Sarah is gorgeous to watch, angst-ridden though the dance is, and you just know she's got a sob story up her sleeve. She does. And it's a biggie. She's an anorexia survivor - has a healthy weight of 55-60kg and yet at her worst was down at 28kg. But she is amazingly strong. And not so much with the blame, just straight-forward and down-to-earth. She gets to stay in Sydney, and for once I'm thinking the producers actually handled something elegantly.

Stephanie & Henry are jiving next up, and while it's a good dance, and the partnership is strong, Steph is kinda bugging me with the Lacey-like mugging to the audience/judges. I guess they agree with me, because Henry gets a pass through to the Top 100 (or 154 or whatever it's at now) but Stephanie has to go to choreo. Which really really pisses her off. Hee! And then she pulls major bitch-faces at camera and it's even funnier!

More bitchface comes courtesy of Will - Mr Gay Australia - who hope everyone else will be awful in auditions, including all his friends... Nice.
He dances a cunning mixture of hip hop and contemporary in a bid to piss me off entirely... and then has a rant about men dancing like men, which is rewarded by a smirk from Jason. He gets sent through to choreo, but we all know he'll get through - the judges seem unable to count.

Next up is Daniell, who's missing her 'e' poor girl. Whatever she was dancing to, Matt was singing along which is cute, but he'd better not let Jason see him doing that! It also proves that he is, in fact, 12. Still, a cute 12.
It's another contemp routine, but Jason isn't impressed - he doesn't even want her going to choreo - so it's up to Matt and Bonnie to make the call. The poor girl virtually prostrates herself, begging, pleading, grovelling to be able to go through to the next round. It's sad and pitiful, but works on them both, as they're both Big Softies. It's official.

Not a Big Softie however is another Matt. He's doing ballroom with his partner Delia, but though considerably stronger than her, proceeds to preempt the judges decisions, insisting that he shouldn't be penalised for his partner not being up to standard. While she's standing right next to him. All the judges slam him for his unchivalrous behvaiour, but still send him through to choreo. He then continues to justify his position, oblivious to the gutted girl standing beside him. His partner of the last six years. Australia: If he gets through, please let us dump his sorry arrogant arse at the earliest opportunity.

A couple of random observations at this point:
Bonnie has swapped her purple leather jacket for a lime green version. It's pukeful. I pity the poor cow that gave it's life to make it.
Thankfully Nat looks kinda cute in buttercup yellow.

Cassie is a beautiful canvas apparently according to Jason - but her ~~sob story~~ routine isn't enough to move him - she heads off to choreo hell bent on her mission 'to move, to touch, Jason'.

Choreo round - and if I never hear that tract again, I'll die a happy little recapper. It's 'Please don't stop the Music' by the way - please, please don't ever subject me to it again.
Australia goes, 'hmmm, interesting' as the only girl who nails the choroe is Daniell of the mssing E. Australia groans as Matt-the-Prat goes through. Australia also groans as another girl, Whitney, implodes spectacularly when she fails the audition. This time Jason goes running to the loos after her, to make sure she's OK, and to offer her the chance to come back the next day to try out again. Australia then collectively cries, um, excuse me? WTF?

Day 2 is the day of the unending hip hop.

It starts off with Sione and Josh doing some Kiwi Krumping. Josh does most of the work, Sione just stands there like a big man prop. A manly man prop though - never forget that. No unseemly boy-on-boy dancing around here... Nooooo.....

And then moves along to a montage of various b-boys and girls. And by montage I mean, no-one is clearly identifiable so seriously I have no idea what proportion were boys or girls - they were pretty much all upside down anyways.

Then there's a couple of stand-outs - including Olivier (or 'Oli' to his friends) who's a B-Boy, a Popper AND a stockbroker. You go boyfriend! He kinda wanders onto the stage, walking about looking at his watch, till he gets yelled at by Jason, then he breaks into a pretty good display. It's impressive enough to get him through to the next round.

BJ reckons he's been sick, so sick and that he won't do justice to the audition. He does look kinda grey... but he does lots of pirouettes and whatnot - Matt calls him a great turner - but not much in between, like dancey stuff... He does the whole, 'yeah but I bin sick, miss' thing, and gets sent through to choreo. I'm happy to write him off as a slacker, but the ambos hanging around in the background give me the impression that maybe he really has been sick... I'm inclined to reserve judgement here.

And proving just how sultry Sydney really is, they wheel in a pole for some Pole Dancing... it's all very, er, athletic... and the girls do have some very pretty knickers... and lovely shoes. Poor Bonnie comes over all modest, prompting a merciless teasing from Matt... and poor Jason! Well, it's enough to bring out closet hetrosexual in him, poor lamb!

A couple of the pole dancers even show off enough versatility and flexibility (in dance, peoples) to get through to the next round. Yay to Sydney for finally showing us something different!

Something NOT completely is Graeme and his contemp routine to a Missy Higgins track. It was good and yay for him - he gets to stay in Sydney. His teacher Michael, supposedly some hip Sydney choreographer, has chosen NOT to choreo his audition routine - and then comes all unstuck and wanders off the stage mid-twirl. It kinda flummoxes the judges who reckon 'it wasn't as bad as you think it was' and then proceed to give him a Sydney City return... out of pity? I dunno...

And then oooh! more intrigue, more drama... because who's turned up to audition again - our dear stroppy friend Nikki... she bounces on to the stage wearing a little lacey dress and a big smile and then does a bizarre narrative contemp thing. The judges must have seen some light or some shade or some something in there because she get sent to choreo again...

After Matt's choreo, and thankfully the last time we have to watch/listen to it, BJ the turner, Oli the stockbroker, the kiwi krumpers (BOTH of them), and the two failed auditionees, Nikki and Whitney, all get to stay in Sydney.

Hmm... firstly, I think the producers can't count.
Secondly, I think the tickets were being given away in Sydney like we had some funky single ticketing system...

But, at least next week we get to see our Top However many, and then this competition will really start to kick along.

Can we get a yay?

The SESA Mailbag

2008-02-07T07:16:00.000+11:00

Dear Channel Nine,

Look, I know we haven't spoken in a while - you air a bunch of shows I don't watch. What can I say? Your purchasing decisions are dubious, and even when they're not, you treat your programs like playing cards, shuffling them around at will so we never know what we're going to get.

But I have to thank you (and I know you never expected that) for this past summer. You picked up where Channel Seven left of three long, hard years ago and brought Gordon back to our screens. And in a regular timeslot, too. It was awesome. That swearing. That Scottish brogue. The swearing. The 'holy cow, he's 38! Geez, cheffing is ROUGH!' exclamations. The useless restauranteurs and the pretentious chefs and an overuse of the words 'simple' and 'rustic' that made me weak at the knees.

And from what I read, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares has been a bit of a cult hit for you this summer. Everyone's talking about it. And I'm really really really glad you're keeping it for the ratings season.

Or - should I say - I was.

Until I found out that you were going to start showing the American version.

Because seriously, here's the thing: There are five seasons of RKN (UK). You've been screening an eclectic mix of seasons two, three and sometimes four. You have plenty of UK awesomeness left to show us - believe me, I know.

So why are we suddenly getting the inferior US version? Without the Gordon voiceover? And with all the faux melodrama, the instant make-overs, the US Reality TV style showdowns? No-one likes the US version better, except maybe the odd American without a choice in the matter. No-one. It's LAME.

It's produced by Fox, FFS.

And i know, I shouldn't complain. Some Gordon is better than no Gordon. And I suppose I'll watch it.

But only if you promise that one day you will show me the last of those UK eps.

Pretty please?

Yours (between 9.30 and 10.30 on Thursdays, and at no other time ever),

Chesty LaRue

SYTYCDA - The Interminable Auditions

2008-02-06T11:29:00.000+11:00

Melbourne, home of hiphop and trams.

*insert obligatory pic of tram here*

Poor Melbs, it really is a stereotype isn't it? All that pressure to perform because you're the 'culture capital' of Australia...

And talking about pressure and stereotypes, first up we have David. He Asian. And a hip-hopper, no sorry, got to get this lingo right - he's a B-Boy. And his parents would really prefer he wasn't. They'd prefer him to study study study go to uni, get married, The End... see? stereotypes. Although I prefer the stereotyping to the interminable angst that will overcome us by the end of these auditions. Anyway David, like all those heroes of the days of yore, well, he just wants to dance! And dance he does, mostly power tricks, but y'know I thought that's what hip-hop was all about. Apparently not, as he gets sent to choreo.

read the rest

Courtney's some chick - she dances - and Jason is so all over her that he sends her to choreo and then just hands her a ticket to Sydney... cos she's cute? who knows...

I certainly don't - I'm distracted by the purple pleather jacket Bonnie's wearing. Distracted because when they arrived, she was wearing a royal blue denim-y skirt and jacket combo. I mean, the wardrobe choices here are woeful as it is, without throwing in continuity issues for me to deal with as well...

Anyway, distractions will have to be put aside for tonight's Sob Story #2 - Drumstick 'I play the drums and am skinny like a stick'. As far as I can tell he kinda dances like a stick too, but this only goes to prove yet again why I'm the recapper not the judge... or maybe it's just that I'm immune to hard luck stories - because Drumstick has a degenerative disease which has left him half deaf and half blind and marking time till he loses both sense all together. Look - I'm sad for the guy, but I don't have to agree that he dance, ok?

Hee! Melbourne's quirky street-theatre is given a shout-out by Melissa. She's a salmon. Obvs. And you know what? I liked her performance just fine. I thought Jason liked interpretative narratives??? Maybe he just doesn't do fish. Melissa's not for this competition apparently - she has other streams up which to swim...

The first real dummy spit of the season is CJ - Melbourne's male equivalent of Madonna. Apparently. He's so utterly deluded - dancing in jeans and socks, but still feels righteously indignant when he's told he doesn't cut it. Because dontacha know that the core of dance is letting spirit shine in physical form - and that's precisely what CJ showed us, but being philistines all we saw was a twat.

I can't even remember what style of dancing Rhys did - I was blinded by his pants, and therefore it was probably contemporary. He's obviously been shopping at the local safety store, and has some mad hi-viz trackies. He's going to be the envy of all the truckies I can tell. He gets through after choreo and we get a cute little shot of him telling his ultra-ocker snag-turning Dad about his ticket to Sydney.

Sob Stories parts 3 through 7 are manifest in the Sorono family from the Phillipines... Demi, Carlos and Lorraine all audition, as well as Demi's girlfriend Nikki. We get a lot of yadda yadda grew up in a straw hut, learned to dance with nothing, etc etc hand me another tissue. Pushing this sob story up to 11 is the fact that Lorraine is deaf and therefore can only feel the music if the bass is up really loud.

Gah!

Demi is quite good - I liked her energy and her vibe. She seemed to be really enjoying the dance. As did Lorraine, who considereing she can't actually hear the music, did a damn sight better than, say, I, would do... Not that that's actually saying anything, mind. Nikki was a little too aggressive in her krumping. Matt called her on it, wanting some light and shade... On No! Not the light and shade already???
But Carlo? Wow! He was awesome, pulling some great moves, and doing with a cheeky vibe. I liked it muchly. So, knowing how I feel about these things, the judges send him straight to Sydney. They send Lorraine home, Demi to choreo and Nikki to the loo.

After Matt's choreo round and the Track That Will Never Bloody End, Demi gets through, as do David, Drumstick and some random white guy. Poor random white guy. I hope you get all the way through to Top 4...

Day 2 and a girl in a net gets sent to Sydney. Now, I like these judges. I feel they have empathy and knowledge and are actually trying to judge the dancers rather than screech at them, but seriously, some of their decisions are a little bewildering... I'm hoping that it's just the editing process, because I just ain't getting it.

More damn hip-hop. Along with the odd judging decisions, I'm hoping that a few of the randoms being sent to Sydney are Not B-boys/girls... cos I'm getting over the hip hop. Sorry JD - I mean you were good, and there was most definitely light and shade and I recognise that it was different and all, but your routine kinda just slid off me. And I got an arrogant little vibe there too. We shall see...

Just to prove me wrong, next up is Ella, an indigenous ballet dancer. Why they have to make a point of her being indigenous I don't know... but she's an awesome dancer, graceful, elegant, and with some actual versatility - she'd done some hip hop classes as well. Now. Why don't they ask the B-boys whether they've done a few sneaky ballroom classes to prove their versatility hmmm????

Ooh! More diversity - a Samoan tapdog-esque stomper with a twist of hip-hop. Well, that was a refreshing change. Although the honing in on the 'human interest' angle - Mack has a baby! the baby is cute! We're giving Mack's baby his ticket to Sydney! is already getting stale.

Moving right along to my favourite part of the night - the Lindy Hoppers! Cathie and Kieran are awesome, and I'm not just saying that because I'm a SUCKER for the Lindy Hop. Na-uh. Even though it's the dance they dance in heaven. Just ask Chesty - she knows all about it.
Their Lindy Hop is bouncy and bright and Fun! Fun! Fun!
They still get sent to choreo though, and then drama! intrigue! Jason suggests they are going to have to split up, because it's a comp for soloists and he only has one ticket... dum dum dummmmmm.... yeah - they both get through.

Adelaide. And I've just realised that Adelaide's about to get 20 minutes of airtime. Ha! I guess
Audrey's right - South Australia IS eating it's young...

First up is Laura, another ballet dancer. She was good, she was cute with mucho pirouette and boches (?) balanceyness anyway... But, I ignored the dance and concentrated on her t-shirt. Covet covet covet. I want it.

It's at this point that my notes go, and I quote verbatim here:

now I'm over all these people with journeys and dead relatives.
It's a DANCE competeition, not a pity party...

Word! to me... It's just a bugger that these judges seem to be suckers for a sob story. And Ten wants to milk every. single. one of them.

We get 2 sisters, Tamara and Nikki, both dancing to Spanish-flavoured music, but one of them doing it a hell of a lot better than the other. Sob Story angle? Why, they're sisters connecting through dance... They both get through after Nikki does the choreo, and we know it's going to happen anyway so there can be tears and hugs and all the thing Ten loves...

There's also a gold quote from Jason, proving why he's a dancer and not a, I dunno? recapper? Anway - he describes someone as winning a blue ribbon Pulitzer Prize... that'd be in the ever so famous Krufts/Columbia dancing competition then...

Verdict: Second episode precisely 46% crappier than the first, but that's solely due to the Sob Story count. Nat was also kinda invisible. At least according to my notes.

Shall we Dance?

2008-02-05T14:03:00.000+11:00

Why yes, I do believe we shall.

As soon as those credits start up, there's a classic pavlovian reaction as the squeeing fangirl in my soul starts up with the krumping and pirouetteing... I really am a sad case, and am petrified that the aus version is going to suck.

But for the time being I am going to reserve judgement... and just laugh at the new judges. They are:

Jason Coleman, who is supposedly awesomely amazing and has choreographed the Olympics and like, everything. But seeing as all the footage consisted of people standing around waving their arms in a meaningful fashion, I'm not sold - I mean even I could have done that...
Also - distracted. So so distracted. By the hair - the Brian Mannix hair. I just can't take him seriously. Although he does give good shirt, I'll give him that - I'm coveting the blue one with the flowers...

Bonnie Lythgoe, ex of the lovely Nigel Lythgoe, and proving true the maxim that the longer you're married to someone, the more you grow to look like them. Which is really quite unfortunate for poor Bonnie...
I also suspect that I am going to have as much fun with her wardrobe as I had with Mary Murphy's - although it seems that Bonnie's stylist can't be arsed with approaching designers and just heads straight to the local Noni B.

Matt Lee looks 12. He sounds 12. And when he says 'hot hot hot' and 'you're beautiful' it sounds wrong. so so wrong. Because he's 12 and therefore should be more interested in his bmx bike.
Apparently he's another super-dooper choreographer, but again the footage doesn't inspire confidence as all I got was a B*witched vibe, and that ain't good choreography.

ok... and we're into it.

read the rest

Perth auditions - there's the requisite line of overly-excited contestants plus the new overly-short host. I am glaring at Miss Bassingthwaite, narrowing my eyes... she'd better be good. Coz I'm missing my Cat like crazy.

I watched the first 15 minutes of this at about 11:30 on sunday night, and all I got was 'hat' 'poser' 'hat' 'poser with hat' so I figured Perth was going to give us lots of hip hop...

So I'm pleasantly surpirsed that the first couple sent to 'Sydney' (which SO doesn't have the same ring as 'Las Vegas') is a ballroom couple - Brendan and Gemma. Pleasant that is, if you overlook the 16 year age difference. I'm hearing rumours that he's a DWtS alummni, and he is very good, but I'm more impressed with Gemma, who's 19 and just sashays all over that stage. She's going to be interesting to watch...

And then the Very! Next! Audition! is Lambchop who does a bit of this, does a bit of that... takes her shoes off halfway through, does a bit more of something else... Jason is impressed by her versatility - because nothing shows versatility like a vibe-killing unshodding - but I thought she was a little lumpy and blah. She gets a ticket to Sydney and I'm thinking 'shit shit shit, this IS going to be crap'.

That feeling is strengthened by our next tryhard, sorry, try-out - Angel. She's a model and dances with emotion, as a model.. hmmm.. she also speaks with the emotion of a model. And the clarity of a model. She's crap - giving off a space age Olivia Newtown John vibe - and unfortunately I just realised that's exactly how I dance, which probably just ruined all my credibility... but hey, at least I don't wear sparkley pants... I dance coz I like it too, but at least I can pronounce the word 'choreography'.

Morning dawns brightly, bring Stephanie, who wants to work withthe moulin rouge. I get the love of the headdress and the ruffled skirt. And the can-can... she probably saw some of the awesome dresses Anya got to wear in the US version and wanted in on that pretty pretty action. And I don't blame her one little bit.
Luckily she can dance too ... and with feeling!

Sermsah was up next, covered with body paint and dancing an amazingly strong indigenous-flavoured routine. He got through to Sydney, but I hope it wasn't just because he adds 'diversity' thanks Jason...

We get some more hip hop, some questionable music choices (NIN anyone?) and then wer'e back at the choreo round with Matt Lee. Ah, finally I'm getting some Dan Karaty from him. He can stay.

But it's at this point that I realise that Nat is just doing it for me... she's VO-ing like this is 'Saving Babies'... so breathless and intense. She just isn't bringing the fun, the lightness, of Cat Deeley. It's about dancers for goodness sakes! It's not an undercover operation with the guerillas in West Papua... Failing the choreo round is NOT going to kill them.

Another random observation - the aus judges have nice little coffee cups rather than Big Gulps - I think that says all that needs to be said about cross-cultural assimilation...

Brisbane.

First up is Camilla - she's been dancing since she was 3, her mum being some whizz-bang tap dancer... so here I am expecting some tap and then was wondering how the hell she's gonna do it in cons... All these 'Alternative' dancing costumes are going to do my head in - a tutu and a pair of sneakers doesn't make you cutting edge babe...

The 365 crew do their thang - cutely coordinated with dinner jackets and a striped trilby that Miss M is not-so-quietly coveting - it's OK I guess, but then the judges get all cut-throat and only give one of them a pass through to Sydney... ohhhh. drama! intrigue! Pshaw... we all know they're ALL going after choreo so stop trying to dick me around show...

I do believe it might be time for some eye candy - I'm starting to feel a little jaded. Anthony is apparently a *snort* national aerobics champion. And his brother is some NRL star, but don't ask me who because that's not my code peoples. His upper body strength is, um, impressive... and his grace and poise knocked me sideways - not what I was expecting when I heard 'aerobics'. He looks the total package... until he opens his mouth and his voice is pure country Qld which just kills the effect. Dead.

We move into the 'pity the poor ballarina' phase of the show now - as Emma, Australian Ballet School trained, but now wanting to experience 'life' has her go. She's ballet-y, but you can tell she's losing it... she breaks into huge sobs, but isn't clued in enough to tell the judges that Dance is her Life. More sobs then she leaves the stage, having been declared 'too fragile' for this vicious cut-throat competition. Ha!

Luckily Jack - who wants to make it Broadway, (and is possible any of us missed the subtext there? nope, didn't think so...) steps up to the plate and gives an amazing bouncy high energy jazz performance which wipes all those tears away...

I love the juxtaposition that Carl presents us with - he's been dancing fulltime for 18 months and yet rocks up to audition in footy shorts and flanno. He does a nuryev cover that Jason writes off and then makes him go to choreo - obviously not taking his Dance seriously enough...

Still with the sobbing is Bessy from El Salvador, a completely untrained, i dunno? B-girl? I was distracted by the boxing boots... She delivers a sob story to rule them all - being abandonded by her mother, escaping civil war, learning to dance on the streets... and yeah, jaded though I may be, and I'm so blaming the wine, but I was sobbing along with the rest of them...

For some odd reason they've decided to let Caleb from FNQ dance - even though he's only 15 and therefore too young to enter the competition. He does dance beautifully, but I still don't get the point of this bit... maybe someone could enlighten me..?

After choreo, and boy am I going to get sick of that track, Bessy and Carl get through. To no-one's surprise whatsoever.

Verdict: Episode one was less crap than I was expecting, dreading... But it was precisely 58.7% crapper than the US version. Due mainly to the absence of Cat.

Pushing Daisies for EVERYONE

2008-01-23T21:40:00.001+11:00

Aha!

Now everyone gets to enjoy the beauty that is Pushing Daisies...

'Cept it's on Channel Nine, so you just know they're going to stuff it up.

And I don't know when it starts...

This post brought to you by the letters P and E* and the number 'Why the hell am I still awake?'

*Pure Exhaustion, dontcha know...

A Late/Early Christmas Present...

2008-01-22T11:49:00.000+11:00

Woohoooooo!!!!

The kids have been asking whether I intend recapping the Aussie version of SYTYCD... and I do want to - but only if you guys want me to.

And if you do...

Well then you only have 12 more days to wait....!!!!

Can I hear a yay from all those dancing tragics?

But it's gonna kill me - because according to this website it's screening on the 3rd, the 4th and the 6th... and knowing my track record with timely posting of recaps... Lets just say I'll try as hard as is humanly possible to get them done in time!

2008-01-22T00:55:00.000+11:00

Problem.

I caught my first full 'episode' of UK Big Brother today, and quite frankly, i fear i'm not up to the task. There is pretty much a whole channel dedicated to this crap, and it doesn't appear to be edited into a concise half hour daily episode. Instead, it's a daily episode, which quite seriously just goes on all. day. long.

And these people aren't your regular yobbo bogans... they seem to be barely literate, inbred, snorting, mother-dropped-them-on-their-head-when-they-were-babies, lisping pack of ABSOLUTE morons.

In the words of one of the girls i'm staying with... it's utter tosh and after one sitting, i'm outta. Even i have standards in the reality television i can cope with, and having to watch much more of this really could break me.

2008-01-01T09:11:00.000+11:00

O HAI.

Erm, i'm not sure what i'm going to have to offer this blog in the immediate future, as i'm leaving for England in FIVE SHORT DAYS.

Anyone interested in East Enders or Corronation Street? What about Ant and Dec? I'm a 'celebrity' get me outta here? OOOOH Big Brother! Or Cat Deely? <-- we probably already get enough of her, right?

All this can be arranged... assuming i have a teevee when i get there.

Should I be concerned ...

2007-12-20T07:24:00.001+11:00

... that every single TV show that I own on DVD features high schoolers?

... that of all the shows I've tried out this summer, the only one that has remotely stuck is Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares?

... that SBS documentaries are starting to really appeal to me right now?

... that I'm enjoying reading about TV about a billion times more than I am watching TV at the moment?

Discuss.

Go Natalie, it's your birthday, it's your birthday.

2007-11-25T22:58:00.000+11:00

I'm going through a bit of stuff at the moment, so this is just a quick post in the meantime to say ...

YAY NAT!

I think we made the right choice. What do you reckon? Was it really the upset that people are making it out to be, or was this inevitable, given Matt's noticeable decline in the latter month or so of the competition? Her experience on Idol has been peppered with some bad performances/outfits/song choices, but otherwise I think she's been the most consistent and versatile of the two. So what do you reckon?

-- UPDATE --

Gee, thanks for the plethora of comments, jackasses. I know I didn't put much effort into this post, but you guys are so mean.

This put me in good spirits though: The Obligatory Word From My Favourite Fug Girls. I love how they don't ignore the world of pop culture outside of America, don't you?

The Long Way Round - boys on bikes

2007-11-22T16:37:00.000+11:00

Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Doesn’t gigglewick watch anything except documentaries? And what the hell happened to her promises to post about The Abbey?”*

Anyway, I don’t like motorbikes that much. My dad had a bad motorcycle accident (hit a poddy calf) when I was about eight and I’ve not really liked them since. Mr Fix also had a train rip the numberplate off the back of his motorbike once. I’m not of the belief that they’re generally good things, although I know there are those who disagree.

However, I was quite intrigued by the idea of The Long Way Round, which may have been partially influenced by a re-watching of the Phantom Menace recently. Or possibly my unwillingness to get off the couch post-Top Gear.

The Long Way Round is a documentary about Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman’s motorcycle trip to, as Split Enz termed it, circumnavigate the globe. Each of them have a handicam, mic-ed up helmets and a third rider, Paolo, is their official cameraman.

The home-movie tone is surprisingly effective and doesn’t grate too much, which is surprising considering how much “grainy realism” we’ve come to expect from reality TV.

As interesting as the landscape they are covering is the insight into the human condition. While both agreed at the outset that it was a dream to undertake this trip, they are nevertheless refreshingly honest about how they are feeling. In this week’s episode, there is a deconstruction of Ewan McGregor’s mental state by both McGregor and Boorman, and it’s clear that they have the kind of relationship where complete honesty is the order of the day. I can’t imagine Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie having similar conversations.

Verdict: This is available on DVD and would make an excellent alternative to whatever dross they program over summer. In fact, the ABC online shop assures me there’s a new series coming soon – Scotland to the bottom tip of Africa.

* Simple answer to this one: I was too tired to commit to entire episodes. I could do an “impressions” post, but it wouldn’t be particularly rigorous.

Dorothy Dixer

2007-11-22T11:29:00.000+11:00

So, what am to do with myself now that SYTYCD has finished?

I'm certainly not going to be watching America's 20 most fuggliest women, or whatever paltry offering Ten is giving us tonight...

So. Suggestions?

I finally caught up with Life last night, and thought it was wonderful...

Australian Idol: Mattalie

2007-11-18T21:59:00.000+11:00

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the official Idol winner's song is the worst song ever written. Actually, scratch "out on a limb" and replace it instead with "and say something glaringly obvious". That song.... Matt was totally right in calling it crap. He didn't say it in so many words, being polite and non-threatening and all those things that we all love him for, but we all agree with him anyway. I love the veiled sarcasm inherent in this statement:

"It was written by a woman in America. Apparently, she's a very established writer. She's written stuff for the Backstreet Boys and Nick Lachey, so that sort of explains it straight away and what it's like."

Also, while I'm bitching: Shut up Dicko. Shouldn't you be grovelling? It's so unfair to call Nat and Matt boring. Idol packages them and puts them in pigeon holes so square you'd be struggling to find mathematicians who could recreate the perfect ninety degree angles of said pigeon holes.

And what? Past year's Idol finalists were so interesting?

Cough, and double cough.

Anyway, I quite enjoyed tonight's episode. I can't exactly put my finger on what I loved about it. Oh, wait, yes I can, it was the bit that showed Matt's earlier years, busking away and singing in choirs and going on an eighteen month tour around Australia at the age of fourteen. Jesus. I also learned tonight that Matt does indeed have parents, they've just been a bit camera shy or whatever all year. Frankly I would have been happier just to believe that he burst forth from a magical tree in some enchanted forest somewhere to bring happy tunes and funny dresses disguised as shirts to the world. Interesting to note that he's always had those really defined eyebrows and the "sluggish" lips, as Chesty calls them.

Natalie's video package bizzo was also pretty revealing. (Hm... package.... revealing.... I'm getting so depraved in my old age, huh). She was in a few of those funny ABC-Kids shows in the nineties, and she actually funded her own album and went to America or something. Pity nothing came of it, which I guess led her to Australian Idol. I suppose it IS kind of tacky to actually pay to release your own album (just like it's tacky for a model to pay a fashion label to feature them in a show).

The performances of the Idol winner's song were both pretty crap, but I think I liked Nat's version just a wee bit better. That's not saying much by the way. That song..... it's not even good in an ironic sense. What's with the title? I know it's an Idol institution to have a lame song with a lame title, incorporating souls, angels, listening with one's heart (as if that were physiologically possible, song writers), going on a journey and having the night of one's life. 'Here I Am' is a lame title, so ... I guess it compliments the tuneless and utterly forgettable song poifectly.

The other performances were a drag, really. I never even HEARD of "High and Dry" and "Running Up That Hill".

Timbaland? Wolfmother? Bleh.

So, that's it, until the Opera House finale next week - which I always enjoy. Who will win? I'm happy with either of them for the win, frankly. Last year (and, in fact, every year) I've hated one of the finalists and loved the other, but this year I'm not displeased that it's Matt and Nat. It's kind of like this year's Big Brother if you think about it. It was a crap year for Big Brother, but the final two were actually decent, I remarked at the time that I wouldn't have minded which one of them took it out and I guess the feeling is much the same with Idol 2007.

Obviously though my favourite to win is Matt Corby (der, whose isn't?) but I wouldn't totally disregard the possibility of an upset. Which wouldn't be all that bad for either contestant, as Matt seems to have gone off Idol in the last few months, and it would be great to see him build a career on his own merits.

But seriously, if you're going to vote, vote for Matt.

PS. Goddam that song was shit.

Uggghh, totally.

So You Think You Can Really Handle the Suspense?

2007-11-16T15:42:00.000+11:00

The Final Final

Woohooooo!!!

We're finally there! We're at the Finarle at last... we get to see who was crowned America's Favourite Dancer, all those many moons ago...

And to celebrate this auspicious occasion, Cat has decided to befuddle us completely with her choice of outfit. Maybe she subconsciously knew that we'd be viewing it in Australia in the lead-up to Christmas, and decided to give us a shout-out by dressing as the fairy with a Christmas Tree up her bum... Maybe... But somehow I don't think so. What I do know is that the Fug Girls were particularly unimpressed with her at the time. At least the random blue flower in her hair is cute. Kinda.

Anyways... Our Top 20 are back, and they're all gorgeous in white. Maybe they're little snow-flakes, continuing with our Chrissy theme here, again, I don't know. But again, I'm distracted by the supreme pouty bitch-face that Jessi managed to summon for her close-up! Man, that girl has attitude problems - just because we weren't as taken by her talents involving baby oil, she's gone all sulky school girl on us. Do you reckon it's because she had her Pasha taken away from her? I guess I'd be pretty dirty about that too.

Cat gurgles that all her babies are back... bless!

But then she ruins it all by assuring us that, jam-packed though the show is, there will be no padding whatsoever.

*cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

Tonight there is a massive judging panel, and they're all colour-coordinated too. They are asked to sum up the season in one sentence. They show that, while awesomely talented dancers, their basic maths skillz leave a lot to be desired...

MiaM reckons this was her fave season so far. With the strongest dancers, displaying the best personality and work ethics.

Shane believes that this season will have changed the mind of a lot of dancers 'out there' , inspiring them even... So basically saying that all those snobby dancers who reckon that, yes they can dance, and whoever doubts it can go get knotted, will be suddenly thinking that the chance at $250K plus an internationally broadcast showcase of their talents is not such a bad thing after all...

Wade gets all serious, thinking that 'one sentence' means 'many sentences using only one adjective', declaring that the talent level was amazing, attitude amazing, everything amazing...

Dan shows he's the only one who can count stating that this season was ridiculous. In a good way obvs.

Mary thought it was ridiculous and dynamic...

while Nigel declared Paula Abdul to be a loose end that needs tying up. As are some random contestant from S2, Maddy, and her uuurrrgly baby. Weird.

Moving on to our first batch of Highlights (NB - NOT filler or padding)

Lots of lovely cityscapes and then the same damn audition shots we've seen over and over, along with bits'n'bobs from the entire season. Look you've watched it, I've watched it, there's no need for me to recap what is basically a recap is there??

The Top 20 come back on to do their Tyce DiOrio Lion King dance. I'm as underwhelmed as I was the first time I saw it, although I am impressed with Danny's pony tail and pouffy 1980s fringe.

So, basically, each of the judges gets to choose their favourite routine from the series and we get to see it again. That's nice. But I suspect our Final 4 are going to be pretty buggered by the end of the show!

Mary's fave moment from the show was seeing Cedric when he danced the first time. Because he touched and moved her.... ewwww.... But the best number was Pasha and Lauren's Skeletor hip hop. Which we get to see again, and again I'm blown away by Pasha's adaptability, though concerned for the health of his crotch as it gets bounced on by Lauren. Which also sounds dirty, but really really isn't.
Cat talks about how they were voted off during the 'lockdown' show, so demands that the entire audience gets to their feet to give them the send-off they deserved, which is quite quite lovely. They look touched and moved too. It's a touchy-feely show this one.

Lucky us, we get more auditions footage, showing all the different types of dance styles that were featured - Contemporary krumping, Irish dancing, roller skating, belly dancing, Indian Fusion... none of which got past the audition stage thankfully... but it leads into a special performance by Brandon Norris, the dentally-challenged clogger from Atlanta.

He's like a tap dancer on crack, but with some cute little self-conscious hip hop moves thrown in. He really is very good, but still has crappy teeth. Hopefully some Dental Academy out there will give him a scholarship a la Cedric.

Nigel's favourite routine is one that he didn't seem overly fond of when it was performed. But now he reckons that it best demonstrated the best synchronicity between dancers and choreographers - it's Wade's Hummingbird routine for Hok and Jaimie.

It's as good as ever, although I feel that maybe they didn't hit it as hard as their first performance. It is beautiful though, and when Cat asks what the reaction 'on the street' has been, Hok responds that people have been coming up to him saying that they were touched by it. And he's all about the power of dance touching people. awww..

I think there's going to be an awful lot of aww moments tonight.

Jean-Marc Genereaux is up next with his fave, and surprisingly it's Dom & Sabra's hip-hop. Because of the connection and the this and the that, but mainly for the great story. It is very good, and they seem to be having a great time, even sharing a little giggle half way through. I'm really struck by how versatile Sabra is. Again. There's no Not Hitting it with her, ever.
Dom gives her big cuddles and kisses and says that it has been a blessing to have been part of Sabra's SYTYCD journey.... awwww... heart-melty.

Guest Judge Adam Shankman's fave routine was Sara and Neil's disco number. He likes it because it was Sara's Cinderella moment - he'd never seen her more beautiful. Hmmm.... Can I point out that this is probably one of Sara's least flattering outfits, and then make an observation about Adam's lack of insight and speculate as to why that may be...

No? okay then...

Adam also gives the routine props for 'validating disco as a form of dance'.

Man, I love wank-dance-speak!

It is an awesome routine, lots of acrobatics from Neil, an amazing drop and twirly thing from Sara, hideous costuming... what more could a girl want?

Next ~~filler~~, ~~padding~~, sorry, 'highlights' montage is all about the breaking. And the krumping. And the WTF-ing... And this random quote from Shane that makes me sorry for my NOT missspent youth - "Ain't nothin sexier than when a girl can pop". For filler, it's pretty funky, and it gives me a little more Hok love, so I'm happy. It also presents a nice segue into showcasing Brian Gaynor - the guy with muscular dystrophy who took the robot dance and made it his own...

Brain looks a little worried as he walks out, but gets into it with a cute little grin. Something tells me that it is even harder for him this time, and I'm concerned his disease may be worsening. Did anyone else notice this?

Anyway, he gets a standing ovation from the judges, and then Shane gets put on the spot about the movie offer that he made, so it's all good.

And can I just say at this point how much I love Cat Deeley. Her affection for the dancers, her enthusiasm for the show, how much she just cares and enjoys herself... It's infectious - it's a real tonic, a real joy, and I'm going to miss her. I think Natalie Bassingthwaite is going to have a hard job filling those towering stilettos for the Aussie gig.

The Top 8 do the Shane Sparks Matrix-y routine. It's all very very serious.

Very.

So my mind starts to wander, and man, the costuming budget for this show must be massive. But props to the costumers. And the make-up artists. And the make-up removers. They've done a bang-up job this season and I'm impressed. Thank You Mr Murdoch!

Wade's fave routine was the Samba that Dimitri choreo'd for Lacey and Danny, or 'Dancey' as they were dubbed. And I'm glad about this, as I never saw the original due to 'technical problems' . Wade loved it for the musicality and the hottness. Well, duh.

It's very very hot. I am very very impressed. And I love that Danny seems to be channeling Dimitri - it makes me most nostalgic for Dimitri's dancing. I think it's all in the arms.
I'm also loving the way that Danny is enjoying himself so much now - he's smiling in all the dances, just getting into them, not worried about technique or whatever... it must be quite liberating for him.

And now, seeing as two of the finalists are on the stage, Cat decides it's time for an elimination... Straight away Lacey thinks it's her...

Lacey's right.

She gets a lovely farewell package, with lots of shots of her pulling faces even when she's been told Not To... But the poor girl is stuck with a very odd father, so maybe that goes some way to explaining things. I mean, nothing says 'I love you' like a 3 foot long flashing neon sign.

Urgh - our super-special 'musical item' is Nicole-from-the-PussyCat-Dolls. She's in a box, and I just wish she'd stay there. Hee! She rhymed scenario with radio... Which is all I notice before I'm overcome with befuddlement over the inexplicable wind storm that appears to have descended on the stage. And also hatred for her boots. I do give her props for managing to choreograph the bodice hoist into the dance before she has a wardrobe malfunction though...

Shane's fave routine was the Benji's West Coast swing for Sara and Pasha. I agree. It was one of my favourites too, so I'm stoked to get to watch it again. Especially as I didn't notice just how low cut the feral pant-suit is that Sara is wearing the first time around... That thing must chafe something shocking.
Sara describes Benji as rough, tough and dangerous... which is seriously one of the cutest/funniest things I've heard on this show...

Tyce gets to pick his fave next, and I'm actually surprised that he picks Danny & Anya's jive from the first week as one of his highlights. He then decides he wants to see another of their routines - the foxtrot - again. He's so sweet. He says it's such a great routine, purely Hollywood and Ballroom, and I kinda like that this OTT jazz choreographer is a sucker for old style dancing.

The foxtrot, complete with fascinator, is really good. And they both look so damn happy to be dancing it again. It's lighter and brighter and even better than the first time around.

Tony Meredith gets to choose next, and he's a fan of Wade's Vagabond Symphony thing. Sara and Jesus hobo it up again, and I'm starting to pity poor Sara as she's done what? four dances at least tonight... It was nice to see this routine again, as these guys had great chemistry.

MiaM's fave moment was the last bit of Neil and Sabra's Pase Doble - when Sabra got dropped like a donut over Neil's shoulders, and fell to the floor. We get an excellent slo-mo shot from a different camera angle of Sabra with her teeth gritted as she drops, and Mary and Debbi Allen aghast in the background...

She chooses another Neil and Sabra piece to be performed though - the Table one from last week, and again I'm struck by the fact that they just seem to be off, like half a beat... And I don't blame them one little bit - they've been dancing their little dancey hearts out for the last however many weeks, and they must be completely out of reserves.

I guess that's why, as we come to the next elimination there's no messing about... it's Neil. And he seemed to know it before the envelope's even opened. There's no tears from him! But by Crikey the lad did lots of jumping about didn't he?

*Insert bizarre filler of 'cat' and 'nigel' dancing that isn't going to be dignified with a recap...*

Holy Moly... how much not-filler are we going to get tonight? Now it's the turn of Ryan Capybara to sing live the 'goodbye' track 'I will remember you' that you will remember from various 'goodbye' montages throughout the entire season. To celebrate this we get more goodbye shots and lots of hugging(I originally typed this as huffing, which also kinda fits actually) and kissing. Miss M would be impressed as she's totally into the trilby right now. Thankfully she's less into velvet-jacketed, guitar-playing emos... I guess this is all to come.

We do get a bonus gorgeous shot of Kameron in profile with a tear rolling down his cheek, which is totally special and makes me like him for the first time all season.

IS THIS NOT FINISHED YET???

Far Out!

Oh. Only one more dance routine left - Dan's fave, the MiaM's flower piece.

*yawn*

oh dear... am I allowed to say that I really didn't like that. It's another one that I didn't catch due to the ubiquitous 'technical difficulties', and I'm kinda glad, as I don't think it would have been a popular opinion.

Finally we're at the Actual Final elimination... Sabra's wearing her bizarre red velvet bondage outfit. Danny is in his favourite white wife-beater and dress pants. What ... interesting wardrobe choices.

And the winner is... for that one person who didn't already know, that one person who manged to keep themselves unspoiled...

Sabra!

and the last aww of the season is reserved for her, coz she deserves it!

So You Think You Like Suspense?

2007-11-16T13:42:00.000+11:00

The Not-Quite-Final Final

No Group Dance pre-credits? Well that doesn’t bode well… That means we're up for an unedited Direct From The US type broadcast and well, they're packed with filler. Not necessary filler, like say, a pasa doble (Stupid ChTen), but crappy Fox-type filler... Bugger.

Cat's wearing a gloriously gold version of last week's Jenny Kee dress in honour of the special ocassion, becasue woohoo, This is our Final Four. Get used to hearing that peoples, it's gonna get said A Lot tonight.

Nigel’s all blah blah blah, amazing show, amazing dancers, aren’t we awesome.. how awesome are we? So awesome that we’ve just signed on for another season (woot! squee!)(For reals, I is sad) blah blah blah.

Mary's probably parroting the same thing, but, well I’m distracted by the fact that MrB has noticed that her boobs are squished out the side of her dress. And they are. They are kinda tucked uncomfoatbly under her armpits. Maybe it’s something to do with her being styled by the fabric swather from Spotlight. I am torn at this point, between being concerned for Mary's Mammaries, and worried about MrB's sudden attack of observation skills. Hmmm.

The concern is washed away however when she refers to Nigel as her English muffin. That's just too Ewww for words and I wish much breastal discomfort on her as penance for giving me that horrible horrible image.

Filler Alert! Our Top! Four! auditions montage. You've seen it all, except for the bit where Neil basically turns up completely unprepared after he saw it advertised online. Hee. Well that's dedication for you...

So, our Top! Four! group dance is going to be a Tyce DiOrio Broadway, and Tyce is very happy about it all. He loves Danny's technical excellence, describes Sabra as a master of everything, thinks that Neil is the most evolved and that Lacey is ... most consistent. Well that's damning with faint praise isn't it! Poor Lacey...

They're dancing to a Liza Minelli number from Cabaret – something very Germanic, can't remember what. It's all lace bustiers and suspenders for the girls, Gallic (which doesn't make sense, all things consdiering, but what the heck) stripes and suspenders for the guys… There's lots of high kicks and high jumps. The guys are awesome with their acrobatics and they all end up sprawled on the judges table.

But quick! We need to find out EVEN MORE about our Top 4. Apparently.

Lacey was conned into dancing by her family, because they all danced, so they bribed her with Barbies. She did lots of quitting and starting again, until she quit for good at 17 to go to hair school. Not Law School, Hair School. But when Benji won SYTYCD she was inspired to dance again…
Her low point of the season – forgetting her solo. Cue amusing footage of Lacey obviusly forgetting most of her solo...
Her high point – dancing the samba with Danny. Cue scrumptious footage of samba - ooh la la!

She appears at the back of the stage for her last solo dressed in massive leg warmers with a tin foil dress. It's a little.. distracting. I can't watch the dancing because my brow is so contorted with WTF-ness. But I do see her stages dive backwards into a crowd of by-standers. Luckily they catch her. But then they're left with brows of WTF.

Sabra & Neil are doing Hip Hop with Shane, and it's supposedly all about the sexuality. I wonder if he means sensuality. Unless they're going to sit down and discuss nature-vs-nurture and other fascinating, though not so dancey, issues. Anyway, I don't see the elusive sexuality, but it was good – the bouncey and dragging was good.

Nigel also didn’t see the sexy. Or the funky. He thinks it was fun, but not strong enough. Mary was disappointed. And Dan thought it was TOO bouncey. See? I know nothing.

Danny and Lacey are next up with a Vienese Waltz. We get hit with some more Inappropriate Avril Lavigne, but it kinda-sorta works, as the dance was pretty and quick with no gonad-abuse, thankfully (for Danny). It's floaty and swirly and you know when you daydream about being whisked around a dance-floor with the man of your dreams, this is how it's done. For me anyway...
The judges agree with me, even if no one else does, and then there is some bizarre conversation about droopy wrists and popsicle sticks-in-gloves and Danny totally calls Lacey on making up stories and it's kinda cool. I do like Lacey getting slapped down.

Neil's five minutes on the couch with Cat reveals that he thinks his profession is 'Performer'. I wonder if that's a box he can tick on the Census Form.
His fave moment was Wade's 'angel and devil' jazz piece. His least fave, the salsa.
And apparently he loves the constantly screaming girls - they get him pumped up… hmm. No double entendre there then.

His solo is a bit of same old same old, but with a dash of arrogant smirking. Is it just me or he starting to take on shades of our Beloved Treasurer.

Finally we get to the much-publicised girl-on-girl dance action. 'Cept that it's not, really. Wade has been exploring different female relationships and has choreo'd the girls as a Mother and Baby fox. . And he sensibly uses props - scarves that they have to carry around in their mouths, which instantly shuts them up. He calls them his foxy ladies… hee! He's so cute...

The girls are Japanese styled foxes in kimonos and it's really so very very good. I thoroughly enjoyed it - even loved Lacey in it. I loved the detail, the nuances, the musicality. I think Wade is amazing sometimes, creating these dances that are so intricate, so moving.

Unfortunately Nigel didn’t get it, and so he has nothing to say to critique the dancers. Mary thought it didn’t showcase their talents. Only Dan liked it and thought their attention to detail was great.

Y'know, sometimes I don't get Nigel...

It's Danny time! And we get the old story rehashed - Travis' mum is his dopted mother - blahdy blahdy blah. He discusses the accusations of arrogance and tells how they made him feel misunderstand, made him want to close up more than open up.

And then he gives us his solo which is everything that it always is, times a million. SO very good. He dances around the whole stag in an incredibly powerful display. I'm gobsmacked.

MiaM gets to choreo a contemp routine for Neil & Danny, and thankfully we're not subjected to more cheap inneundo. It's all about 2 princes battling for a throne and it's aggressive and dirty. So maybe a little smut then...

It starts with them angrily spasming in their seperate thrones, moving along to some banging of canes on the floor. Then we get some very snooty clapping from Danny - Ha! In your face Neil! Then there's leaping and fighting and throwing each other around and then Damn. That was too short…

Nigel makes a joke about Princes Wills and Harry and they so don’t get it. Mary is severely over excited. So much so that I think someone may have put something into her drink. She is utterly insane.

Finally, it's all about Sabra - she was born in Netherlands and lived in Germany because her Dad’s in the military. But she adored Wade’s peace piece, thought it was the most outsanding moment. Cue lots of shots of Dom dropping her ON HER HEAD before Dan tells her that he thought Dom was carrying through the early parts of the competition. Well, not literally, obvs...

Her solo was good, but again I get this feeling that we've seen it all before...

What we haven't seen before on the show is a Lindy Hop. Lacey and Neil give it a red hot go, but I don't know... maybe it's because they're exhausted and have run out of steam, or maybe it's because the Lindy Hoppers from the audition part of the show were just so much bouncier and enthusiastic, but I just don't like it. I'd also like to know just how a Lindy Hop is the complete opposite of the West Coast Swing? I personally would have thought the wood-chopping competetion at the Bulli Show was the complete opposite of West Coast Swing, but then I've been wrong about a lot of things dance-wise this season...

Finally Melanie whatsername gets to choreograph her own routine, rather than being referred to as her husband's 'assistant'. She's doing the Cha Cha for Sabra and Danny, and it's way cool. Again, started off a little slow, giving the impression of pure exhaustion, but then they just kicked it into overdrive. Even Cat is amazed... Mary tears strips of them technically, but liked it anyway. Y'all are supposed to have locked knees and ankles don't you know???

The Top Four are back on stage, and they're not the only ones who are tired... But only one week to go nefore we discover who is America, nay THE WORLD'S favourite dancer...

Can you wait?

Eeeep!

2007-11-15T16:38:00.000+11:00

Sorry!

This has been the insanest of weeks, we've moved offices, moved cities even, and I've been internet-less for lots of the time.

Other than showin me just how I addicted to this I really am, it's been quite frustrating...

So, I shall do a Mega-Finarle-Extravaganza, with both final recaps smushed together...

And if you're very very lucky it will up before lunch tomorrow.

Australian Idol: The Final Three

2007-11-12T01:18:00.000+11:00

My Idol rants have become a combination of lengthy essays on the nuances of the show, bouts of apoplectic vein popping regarding Marty Simpson's persistence in getting through each show against all logic and reason, and the odd post where the overwhelming crapness of this year's Idol have rendered me, inexplicably, at a total loss of inspiration to snark.

So, in the words of James Mathison, we shall take it left foot, right foot, as we make it to the end of this rather prickly year of Idol, wheezing and clasping at our various wounds.

Ahem, now that I'm done waxing lyrical, it's down to the bizz of tonight's Idol, the theme of which is Audience's Choice.

My first thought is: yay! None of the poncy crap that was Swing Night. Let's hope the audience members pick decent songs. I also hope that the audience members are really awkward and end up mincing their words, because there's nothing funnier than watching randoms being put in unfamiliar situations.

Ha, and the first random IS incredibly awkward. Props to Andrew G for subtly making fun of him. Hey - who else reckons that Andy G and James Mathison have gotten kind of snarkier and funnier this year? The one example that comes to mind is G's brilliantly succinct comment to Marty about crashing in the waves or learning to surf. Anyway, the song is Ray of Light by Madonna, and... meep. Any higher and it would be Benji Mac circa 2001. It isn't great, but I've loved Nat for so long that the worst key change of the year didn't seriously phase me. What DOES phase me is that she excuses her crap performance by blaming nerves. BITCH, you've been on the show for months now, nerves are no longer a legitimate excuse for suckage.

Nat's second song, of her own choice, is Pink's Nobody Knows. I ashamedly confess to owning the CD and loving every song on it, so she's already got this one in the bag as far as I'm concerned. Great choice, particularly for her own style. It's not likely to be another 'rehab moment', and it's ballad-ey and strong enough to get the fickle audience to rise up in their seats for her. There's just one arse note in it, but it's a solid effort. Squee, I was just about to mention the shoes when Kyle said the stuff about how they made her legs look like a chicken's. Not to be too unfair to the shoes, the whole outfit is a bit crap. It's like she's singing at her high school talent show and gone for the messed up uniform look rather than bring in a change of clothes.

Carl is the second to perform, his first song tonight is that 'You Give Me Something' song. I guess it's a logical song choice, he can get away with that faux-smoky shit that he does (which we all know is just a weak voice being strained). His photo shoot is sort of funny, because the guy from BMG records says that they've had Harry Connick Jr signed to the label for many years, which begs the question: why do we need another one like him? Even more hilarious, it takes him and the photographers a little while to realise that what's needed to take a good shot is for his trumpet to be in the picture somewhere. It's an excellent metaphor for his entire Idol experience, I think.

Anyway - I much prefer the Carl who wears hoodies and denim to the one who wears fugly cheap suits, I've decided. Just putting that out there for anyone who is interested. The performance itself is tolerable, but what shocks and disturbs are the daggy little moves that he does toward the end of the song. It was lame. How lame? Lame as a room full of cerebral palsy sufferers.

His second song is For Once In My Life. I don't want to dwell on this point for longer than absolutely necessary, but I thought it was really good. I was doing that involuntary head bop thing as I was sitting at the computer watching it. D'oh! Stupid inconsistent brain of mine. I'm not meant to like Carl! Moving on I think.

Ha, before we get onto Matt Corby's performance, I have to give honourable mention to Kyle's hilarious bit about only doing cones. True. Funny and true. See, it's because he does drugs, and it was a play on words? Are you with me? Kyle's funny. Maybe Big Brother won't suck so much next year after all.

Ahem. Yes, Matt Corby. Has anyone else notices that public favour has turned away from Matt in recent weeks? He's obviously still a dead set favourite for the win, but some of the judges' comments have been decidedly more negative than before, which were almost unilaterally positive.

I think it started around the time he went to the ARIAs and spent much of the time being uncomfortable around the big slebs because of the stigma attached to the Idol franchise and its many offspring. I kind of love him for that, because at least he's self aware and has a reasonably realistic and mature attitude toward the Idol thing. Dicko's reassurances by the way, that the traditional routes taken by past musicians are merely an alternative in the age of Youtube and Myspazz, didn't quite assuage Matt's reservations, as well they shouldn't.

But enough of all that.

I'm quite pleased with the song choice, 'Too Late' by Evermore, which allows him the room to do that wailing thing he does so well. The voice is a bit... cartoony? Like, Spongebob? I don't know if that's totally accurate, but I was reminded of cartoon character voices in the first part of the song, but he seems to relax into it a bit. Thank the lord Jesus Christ and his corporate affiliates that he doesn't go all mopey and sad-sack on us afterwards like the last couple of weeks. Maybe it was cause it was Matt's seventeenth birthday (ha, he's younger than Ben McKenzie, wtf!?!?) this week and he's flying through on those happy thoughts.

The second song is the performance of the night, an excellent rendition of the Beatles' 'Across the Universe'. I remember Chanel Cole's performance of it three years ago, and it remains as one of my favourite songs and Idol moments ever. I'm so happy to see that he's done without the superfluous and off-sounding key change that Chanel had to put her chords through, if it's at all possible to make a criticism of it. But basically it's fantastic. If Simon Cowell were a guest judge (which I totally think Australian Idol should have) he'd say that it was his Idol winner's acceptance performance.

What's with Kyle's thing about how 'straight' Matt is? Wording is everything, Kyle.

So, tonight again was a good indication of how I think this year is. Nat and Carl were okay, but Matt, the clear favourite, is miles and miles ahead. I cannot wait for the results tomorrow. I'm thinking Carl will go. But I've been wrong before at this stage in previous years, so I guess we'll see.

G'night, y'all.

The PTA has Disbanded

2007-11-09T17:57:00.000+11:00

While we wait for AB's awesome recap of last nights SYTYCD (I peaked at the edit - what? I'm a nosy bint, ok? - and indeed ... there will be brilliance unveiling itself in this very spot sometime in the near future), I'd like to say that I am worried. Worried worried worried.

The Hollywood writers strike is underway. And if it goes on for much longer that could mean all of our favourite scripted (American ... but that's most of the good stuff really, innit?) TV shows go off air and/or into repeats. And if they go off air, they'll more than likely be replaced with even more RTV than we've been exposed to over the past few years and it's all going to be bad.

Don't get me wrong - I'm totally behind the writing folk. They should get paid when their work gets used online, and if there is no money is online streaming/legal downloading, as more than one studio exec has stated, then obviously they shouldn't be too worried about giving the writers a piece of that meatless pie - because 2.5% of nothing is still nothing ... right?

Anyway, I hope it all works itself out soon. Because now that we get all our TV 'streamed direct from the US' we're going to run out of good shit really soon.

And if they take my new House away without telling me what happens to the numbers ... I'm gonna cry!

In the meantime, anyone got any ideas for new Reality TV shows that can fill the hole? I won't steal them, I promise.

Breaking all the Rules

2007-11-07T12:53:00.000+11:00

I have finally got a handle on this modern "down-loading" caper.

It was necessitated by MrB stuffing up the recording of 2 eps of SYTYCD (It's been so polite of you not to comment the missing recaps...), and I was pointed in the right direction by a member of the TWoP community who introduced me to TVtorrents.com... I was then led by the hand over the final hurdles by the delightful KillerRabbit (who has the most loveliest voice imaginable!

MrB has always had a very strong opinion on copyright theft, having seen friends struggling to make a living through recording, and so he was quite reticent about downloading. He grew less reluctant when confronted with

a) my withering wrath at being sytycd-less.

b) the fact that you can't actually get sytycd eps unless you download them as Fox has declined to provide them in any legal get-able form.

So with the two eps in the bag, I mentioned a show that I had read about on TWoP and which sounded most quirk-filled and awesome. So we downloaded the pilot and sat and watched it. And it was indeed the best televisual experience of the year.

Pushing Daisies.

We watched the pie-lette, and then the next two episodes, all in one hit of saccharine sweet surrealness and I just can't get enough of it.

It's about a man who can bring the dead to life again. But only for a minute. If the undead stay alive for more than 60 seconds, someone/thing else dies in their place. And if Ned touches the Undead again, they die again. Forever. Ned is a pie-maker by trade, but he dabbles in a reward-money-collecting-scheme on the side. He uses his gift to wake murder victims, ask who murdered them, zaps 'em again then collects the reward money for solving the crime... It's very lucrative!

Anyway, it's more than the surreal premise, it's bright colours and joy and happiness, it's Anna Friel and a wardrobe to die for, it's Kristin Chenoweth breaking randomly into song, it's the whole damn package and I'm hooked.

So, sorry for the rambling. I just felt the need to share...

Ok .... So ...

2007-11-05T06:54:00.000+11:00

Here's what Jacob had to say about last nights episode of Idol:

'I think tonight's Australian Idol had a definite 'end of term' feeling to it. Like, classes are coming to an end, the assignments are having their last touch ups, Marty is making excuses for why his essay is illegible and written on the smooth side of a piece of sandpaper, and all that's left to do is revise for the upcoming exams. Tonight's lesson didn't produce anything new, and it wasn't all that interesting.

Marty, with any luck, will be gone tomorrow, then it will be Carl, and then in a gripping finale we will see Matt Corby take to the stage as the 2007 Idol winner.'

At this point, he got bored and wandered off ... leaving just a draft in the folder for someone to find and take pity on and sculpt an Idol post out of. And because I am nothing if not a busybody, I found it and nominated myself that person.

Truth be told, I saw the last ten minutes of the show last night ... so, long enough to add the following observations (which may or may not be true, but rather an attempt to reverse fate):

- Movember is a horrible month. Doesn't Andrew G realise he looks sleazy enough without the porn 'mo?

- Natalie Gauchi is TERRIBLE. Simply ... terrible. And not at all gorgeous. Come on Australia, vote her off. I dare you.

- I love Marty. He stole those five second snippets at the end with that constipated foghorn voice and ... those eyebrows. *swoon* Plus anyone who says that 'light my fire' is NOT Big Band clearly needs their ears checked. I mean, The Doors had FOUR members. Four. That's more than Silverchair and Nirvana. Plus, you have to admit, that they were pretty big in that 'famous' sense, so: I say it works. Let's all band together and send some love Marty's way tonight.

Eugh. I feel so dirty. Let's hope it works.

I gots nothing else, so I'm leaving the real snark to all our fabulous commenters ...

(Sorry Jacob. Best I could do)

Press Gang: Interface (AKA The One With the Computer)

2007-11-03T11:37:00.000+11:00

Ok, let’s do this. If we race through the next few we might actually get to the good stuff before Christmas. The next ep. is a two parter and I’m not sure whether to do it as one super-jumbo recap of depressing Very-Special-Episodeness, or two. Thoughts? Opinions? Expressions of giving a shit?

Back to this episode: we open on a hand-drawn – by someone who has way too much time on their hands - sign that reads ‘bills’, hanging off a box. Someone is throwing things into it. Bills, I would presume. But who knows with this wacky show?

Now, the camera pans across a pair of shoes and some funky PG tunes start up. And another box – this one labeled ‘final demands’ in equally too-much-time text gets a few things dropped into it. And then we go up, and there’s Colin … going through the mail. In his awesome Kandinsky shirt.

Meanwhile Fraz is sleeping. Tiddler gives Lynda some mail, and Lynda tells her she’s female. Har.

read the rest

She also gives Spike a pink and perfumed letter from one ‘Lovely Giselle’ and Lynda claims not to be jealous. She’s probably never heard of the supermodel of the same name. Sigh.

Colin’s showing Spike a photocopy of a page from a newspaper – there’s an ad on it for a writing competition: The Roxborough award – first prize: a computer and printer. Just what the Junior Gazette needs, he says. Spike seems to be having trouble mustering up even a little bit of interest – and who can blame him. He’s only there for the Lynda-teasing.

Cut to two weeks later, and a shot of Fraz sleeping again, with his feet up on the desk and crossed over, and a little pile of mail wedged between his shoes.

Lynda grabs the mail, talking absently to sleeping Fraz. Colin comes over and he’s all excited – as excited as anyone gets in this episode – that Sarah is on the shortlist for the competition. Colin is backing up her entry with a letter about how Sarah is from a broken home with alcoholic parents etc. etc. which doesn’t particularly thrill Lynda. I’m kinda surprised, given the kind of crap she’s usually pulling to get her way. Maybe she’s still thinking about Spike and his terrible family situation and thinking that it’s not so cool to make the fun like that, who knows?

Either way, Colin agrees not to send the letter, but makes it clear that if they don’t win the computer, it’s on Lynda’s head.

And can someone now explain to me why if Sarah wins a creative writing contest, the prize goes to the Junior Gazette? It’s not like it’s a competition for youth newspapers, as far as I can tell.

You know what I hate about DVDs? No rewind button. Or, maybe that’s what I hate about playing DVDs on a PS2. Who knows. Either way I just missed something obviously important and I’ve got to start the whole episode again. Boo!

Ok, where were we? Now it’s three weeks later, and Fraz is awake but he’s lost the mail. Tiddler has tucked it into the back of his high-waisted pants and we get this cute little scene where Lynda is telling him they’re ‘behind him’ and he’s turning around in circles looking Frazzy.

A commotion at the other end of the newsroom gets their attention. OMG! It’s a computer. A big fancy one with TWO 5 1/4” floppy drives. Lynda congratulates Sarah and asks whether there was a handing-over ceremony or something. Sarah says that’s next month some time. So … maybe then she’ll get to take HER prize home? I’m still totally stuck on why the computer is automatically the property of the Junior Gazette. Stupid show.

*hugs show*

Oh. As it turns out … Sarah didn’t win. Colin did. For his stirring piece ‘The Early Years of Sarah Jackson’ – which he sent in after all, and which they assumed was fiction (because, as Lynda points out, it was).

Now, ok. I could get Sarah being so spineless that she just hands a valuable and big prize like that over to her after-school club, but someone please tell me that Colin would not have this thing straight up onto the 1991 equivalent of Ebay for a quick buck?

Lynda’s bored of this already – and walks off with Kenny talking newspaper stuff, until she gets to her Operations Board and sees the photocopied newspaper page about the competition again. I’m confused as to why a competition for individuals is on the Junior Gazette Board, but whatevs. It’s that kinds of episode I guess.

She thinks there was something a bit too easy about the whole thing. And I tend to agree with her. It’s four minutes into the show, we haven’t got a title yet and the only piece of plot that’s come up so far – aside from Fraz’s high-pants – has just resolved itself. No wonder she’s confused. What are they all going to do for the next seventeen minutes?

Lynda’s letting it go. I’m not, because as she walks off with Kenny to the darkroom some mysterious computery music starts playing and the camera fades to a close-up of the computer screen and the title of the episode finally comes up in bright breen computery writing.

Dum Dum DUM!!!

The next scene has everyone gathered around the computer with Lynda on the phone to Danny, sitting at another computer with the school admin assistant. She asks if he’s ready. He’s ready. To ... touch the keyboard.

Suddenly the words ‘MESSAGE BEING RECEIVED type themselves – letter by letter, because this is TV - on ~~Colins~~ Lynda’s sreen. And everyone woots.

Wow. I guess this kind of cyber-communication was a big deal in 1991.

At the other end of the newsroom Sarah is bitching that it’s all a bit strange: that Roxborough are an office supplies company that have nothing to do with creative writing, and that if it’s just for publicity they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job, given that there hasn’t been any. Methinks she’s just bitter she didn’t win.

On the screen (blue background, green type – like ALL TV computers of this era), some more words are typing themselves. Something about a computer dating agency. Lynda looks less than amused, but when the typey writing asks her name, she responds with ‘YES’ – and even I know that back in the day Y would have been sufficient. I could triple her productivity with that little nugget, but I won’t.

Now the typey writing tells her that her perfect match is … S P I K E T H O M S O N. Everyone laughs. I laugh. In the room with Danny the school admin assistant has morphed into Spike and he laughs. Lynda just gives the computer an evil look and mutters ‘Spike!’ with intent.

Now it’s suddenly later and it’s dark because Lynda turns out all the lights before she gets ready to leave, instead of on her way out the door like a normal person. Luckily she had the awesome blue glow of the computer monitor to help her see the armholes of her jacket. Kenny is talking to her about … something. Sorry. I tune out sometimes and, you know, no rewind button … and has to get into the little pool of blue glow to put his jacket on too.

They decide to leave the computer on, in case someone sends them a message. And I can’t even be bothered figuring out if that’s remotely realistic or not, given when I turn my computer off the messages are waiting for me when I turn it back on, but I’m in 2007 and not 1991.

As they go to leave Kenny asks if Lynda if she ever gets sick of this place. And she says no. Big surprise. Because she has absolutely no life.

Now there’s some tinking computer message and across the COMPTLETELY BLANK screen some words start to type themselves … a TV review. Interestingly, words typing themselves on a screen sound just like a dot matrix printer at work.

I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt here and use the fact that in the next screen Lynda is holding a print-out of the words to convince myself that that’s because the printer was printing out the words at the same time as they were typing themselves on screen.

But only because I really do like this show.

So, yeah. Kenny and Lynda are pouring over this anonymous TV review that – spookily – Lynda was saying she wanted. She says it’s good, but too short. Kenny’s just marveling at the anonymousness of it, but Lynda is convinced that it’s just someone on the news team who’s forgotten to put their name on it. Fair ‘nuff too. She tells Kenny to find out who it was and get them to double the length.

Sarah has gone off on her own to investigate this whole thing some more and, I’m assuming, to pummel the guy who said that Colin was a better writer than she was. She’s in some boofy blonde guy’s office and he’s got the framed Roxborough Award on his wall and is giving her a speil about how office supplies are just about words.

Yeah. Right. Because only word-related officed need office supplies.

Sarah looks unconvinced and asks about publicity, which makes apparently is his cue to get antsy and show her out. She leaves her backpack on the chair and as she barges back in to get it she catches the boofy blonde taking the certificate down. Oops.

She goes back to Lynda and says she’s sure the award was just up there for her benefit. Yes, Sarah, because it’s all about you. Maybe he was taking it down because he realised that it made no sense for him to have Colin’s certificate up on his wall? Did you think of that???

Lynda kinda brushes her to ask if she wrote the TV review, which she didn’t. And that means that someone on the news team has gone anonymous … which means a group meeting and Lynda telling them all off and demanding a name and a doubling of the length of the review.

Off in the distance, Spike is staring at the computer when more words start typing themselves. He calls Lynda over and she gets there just in time to see the expanded TV review write itself on her screen.

Well, that eliminates the news team, donnit? I’d say she owes them an apology for accusing them prematurely, but I know this is Lynda we’re talking about. There’s some debate whether they run it or not and if they do, who they say wrote it, which – really – who cares? Does it need a byline? Nothing in Mx ever has a byline.

Of course, instead of doing what I would do and just running the thing without a byline they make a whole big thing of it being by the ‘Mystery Writer’. Which Lynda explains to Kerr is an ‘if you haven’t got it, flaunt it’ approach. They both agree that the whole thing is rather … mysterious.

As she walks out of Kerr’s office Chrissie asks her if it’s all a gimmick to sell papers, which makes Lynda all furious and indignant, and so of course we cut to Colin standing in the schoolyard spruiking the whole Mystery Writer thing and Lynda standing in the background looking miserable and I wonder … if she didn’t want this to happen, why she devoted half the freaking front page and probably a good chunk of the inside to ‘Who is the Mystery Writer?’ teasers.

Back at the newsroom, it seems everyone from the local batty widow to the local orange-haired goth with black blusher to Mozart is claiming to be the Mystery Writer. Lynda is not amused and goes outside to sulk, where Colin finds her.

He’s swapped his Kandinsky shirt for Kandinsky shorts and mismatched converse and it’s so not a good look, but he’s found the mystery writer, who is in a ninja suit – complete with hood - wanting to get paid.

Lynda pulls the hood off to reveal Fraz, and then goes back to sulking.

And then sulking in front of the computer – because blue glow is so flattering for her complexion. She starts to natter away miserably to the computer about how horrible this whole situation is and wah wah wah and the computer responds with a typed ‘Hello’ so she types Hello and the computer asks her name and she types it and asks its name and then the message ends. So much mystery I could explode … sigh.

So of course Lynda goes off the talk to Kerr and he says that this person obviously wants to be found and that there must be clues and that it wouldn’t fit the pattern for there not to be clues. Right. Thanks BD Wong. Can you pass a message onto the SVU writers for me? Tell them that Olivia’s brother was the worst idea ever and their show sucks now. Thx.

KerrD Wong tries to shoo her out of his office but she’s all ‘you’re the only person I can talk to’ and I lose patience. Lynda’s a simpering little emo shithead in this episode and I’m over it. Can she really not stand to not know one little piece of information without going off and cutting herself because she feels so freaking lonely? Gah!!!!!

So, of course, this leads to a breakthrough as she realizes that not everyone is completely caught up in this great mystery and goes and pays Spike a visit, who is talking to the TV when she walking into his bedroom and stands silently behind him as he hands back his dirty underwear to be washed, thinking it’s his dad. She finally says something and he gets all shy and nervous and hides it with stupidly cute lines like ‘fancy meeting you here … and I do’ which make the last fifteen minutes of Emo Lynda and KerrD Wong almost worthwhile.

Lynda wants to talk about the Mystery writer. Spike challenges to a game of trivial pursuit and they’re hanging out on his bed and actually having a conversation and it’s awesome and sweet and cool and would only be made better if they stopped talking occasionally to pash on. Or it was Strip Trivial Pursuit.

And of course this little chat with Spike leads to enhanced clue-searching ability and – under the blue glow of the monitor on Lynda’s desk, which is so intense it turns everything near it blue even when all the lights are on and the room is bright white – manage to find an address hidden cryptically in the original competition advert photocopy. Wow. Spike really does have that awesome an effect on people.

And they go to the house and there’s freaky music playing and Spike offers to come in with her but she doesn’t want him to and he wishes her luck and leaves – sadly without any kissing. As she approaches the house the door opens and – OMG!!! – it’s the guy from the Office Supplies company!! And he invites her in.

Don’t go Lynda! It’s a trap! He collects newspaper editors to torture them!

Except not. He shows her into a random bedroom and then leaves. In the room is a computer and a funny headset. She’s all puzzled when suddenly … the door starts to open …. It’s the office supplies guy! With a knife and some rope!

No, not really. …. It’s just a chubby guy in a wheelchair.

They cut the whole bit where he explains to her what the fuck is going on and gets straight to the bit where he needs them to have a computer to communicate and is paralysed from the neck down (which …. and I may be completely wrong here …. Seems to the layprson to make the fact that he keeps moving his left shoulder kinda remarkable). He likes being the mystery writer and doesn’t want anyone knowing who he is and then he kicks her out as we see on his screen ‘I am Billy Homer and I am a tetraplegic’. Deeep.

She leaves and talks to the Office Supplies guy while she helps him him dry dishes. And of course she tells him he’s doing it wrong and he tells her she’s just like she was described, which is when she figures out that the two of them must have had inside help to pull all this off and tries to guess who it was.

Office Supplied guy leads the conversation away from that and toward various members of the news team and gets Lynda saying that Spike is all right and quite sweet as Spike walks up behind them. Aw. Cute and … I guess he’s the insider then.

That seems to piss Lynda off enough to go and tell Billy that she’s not into the mystery writer thing and that he’s either on the team properly or not at all and that he has to come to the meeting at the newsroom tomorrow or no deal, which I think is a bit harsh – given it’s not exactly like he can just jump on his pushy and ride over the the newsroom with no notice or anything - but when she leaves the room his dad is all thumbs up. So …. Ok.

So cut to the meeting and Lynda is waiting and asks Spike if he thinks he’ll come (because Spike has apparently known Billy a long time) and Spike doesn’t know. She goes to start the meeting when Spike interrupts by opening the door and the Office Supplies guy and Billy come in and as Billy wheels into the room Spike starts clapping with such force it kinda scares me - But it’s ok because everyone joins in and stands up and is all impressed and even Lynda half-smiles and it’s your classic ‘triumph over adversity’ moment and let’s all give them a big fat ‘aw’ … AWWWWWWWW!!

And that’s it. Roll credits. Kenny is making fun of Lynda for the visiting Spike and playing Trivial Pursuit thing. I realize we never found out who won that game and choose to believe it was Spike and that very fact has made Lynda fall completely in love with him. /fanwank.

Grade: D for most of it because the rhythm and pace were just off and Emo Lynda is annoying. B+ for the Spike-Lynda moment.